If either of you is offended by my sharing this, even with the details of your hurt so obscured as I have tried to make them, please let me know and I will remove this post immediately.
Earlier this year I found myself reflecting on the healing effect of the wounds received by Christ's body, not just the historical wounds Jesus received in his crucifixion, but also the hurts received by his body in the world today, at least when they are united with his sacrificial suffering for redemptive purpose. Twice this week I have witnessed, in small ways, the healing power of vulnerability. Sometimes the hurts we receive are but small things, and on these two occasions for me they have been reflections of the hurts I have inflicted on others. By feeling and indeed embracing the hurt I myself caused rather than defending myself against it, I have twice witnessed healing and growth.
The tears which sprang to my eyes in my friend's hallway on Monday morning were the natural outflowing of my realization of how deeply I'd embarrassed her with my careless words, when that had been the furthest thing from my intent. In retrospect, perhaps no other expression could have conveyed the truth of how much my thoughtlessness toward her hurt me in return. She subsequently expressed her wish that she hadn't said anything, but I am so glad she did. I can't imagine how else this would not have remained an obstacle between us, at least in a small way, or how we could have put it behind us so quickly so that we could make the most of our limited remaining time together.
Wednesday afternoon, in rebutting (basically) a speculative not-exactly-accusation from my bride about how I was feeling at one point the previous night, I ended up expressing the hurt and frustration I'd felt on several occasions over the past week. I did not intend to accuse her in return; I just thought it was important to share my feelings from over the course of the week, and how this context had made that earlier moment Tuesday night so tender for me that my feelings were more overwhelming than they might have otherwise been. That intense - yes, angry - need to withdraw from her had passed by the time of which she was speaking, however, replaced by a deep, helpless longing to bridge the chasm that was between us because of my reaction to her. Yet this explanation of course caused her to feel all the more accused, because it wasn't a thoughtless moment that had affected me but rather several decisions over time. Still, the fact that I was explaining and not accusing helped me not respond in kind when she became defensive, and while I had to be patient for the opportunity to reconcile over it - which was itself another evening of longing - it gave us a chance when the time was ripe to express our committed love for each other.
Being vulnerable leaves us susceptible to being hurt - and I am not just referring to my own feelings but acknowledging the hurt I caused both my wife and my friend - but love cannot spring to its fullness without vulnerability. Had they not been willing to express their hurt to me, and had I not been willing to accept it as they reflected it back to me, neither of these relationships would be all that they are.
I am a very blessed man.
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