Today's word

anhedonia - feel free to look it up

, and not one of them can replace you.

my last regret:

preferring the darkness to the light.
or, all the ways i have walked or will  walk in my fathers' footsteps.

i miss you, Karen.
my first regret: not being a better brother.
please pray for me.

we've had a bit of a breakthrough

in which we're both putting more emphasis on our relationship. for the first time in decades, i don't feel like my concerns in my marriage are being ignored. i feel hopeful. 

it's an unfamiliar feeling.

So, here i'm not

taking action

at this moment, i am on the phone with the veteran's crisis line.

Beginning Monday, my work area will be positioned with my back to the room. 

I hate that.

(yet another echo of an abused childhood)

My brain doesn't seem to be working

i don't know if it's depression, lack of sleep, or both

Being there

Rough day for our daughter and grandchildren yesterday. Don't think we're getting the full picture, but then, we really don't need it. Just need to be a pillar for them.

For godddaughter, too.

We all need somebody to lean on . . . 

Thank God for work

where there is no question of who i am

icantexplaintoanyonewhatalliswrong

noone
ineedhelpbuticantgetit
allicanthinkisiwanttodie
ivebeenthinkingitforever
welldecadesthethoughtsarestrongerlatelyprobablycategory4
iguessistilldontbelieveideserveanybetterthantokeepfeelingthisway

Today's word

friend /frend/ - 1. someone who doesn't consider it an imposition - or a favor - to make time for your shit, when they get a chance, but also 2. someone who understands that you don't always have time for their shit 3. someone who isn't willing to watch one of your lowest moments even when the internet keeps serving it up on a silver platter

NANANANANANANANANANANANA

NANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANA

Don't mind me. Just trying to drown out tonight's awful memories.

I suppose that . . .

. . . this will need to be a series of decisions throughout the weekend that carry out my initial one.

Making a conscious decision . . .

. . . to not relive those awful memories all weekend. Last year, the 40th anniversary, was a different matter. But I'm not going to make this an annual tradition, and to whatever degree it has already become one, I'm going to break it. 

Thanksgiving weekend . . .

. . . is always really hard for me. 

it all started then. 

and i'm still all alone in it.


if you see that i have gone to see Bohemian Rhapsody this weekend, please check in on me. That will be a very bad sign.

Have I recently broken Mom's cardinal rule?

Might have, anyway. The big one, that probably contributed in multiple ways to my existence:

"Don't write a check with your mouth that your ass can't cash."

can't.

and yes, Mom, that still means "don't want to."

Today's word

susurrous /soo-SUR-us/ - full of whispering sounds

It pleases me that there is also a noun susurrus, and also that the usage example of the noun they provide in the WOTD post is from Stephen King.

What am i?

A fraud and failure?
A beloved son in mid-transformation?
How can even I know the difference?

The answer is in the parable of the wheat and the weeds. I can't pull me up prematurely. Will be sorted out at harvest, and I won't be the One deciding.

Nice writing

"Comment sections turned cynical, 'this is clickbait!' being the most common refrain, then outright ugly and hostile as discourse on the internet has devolved into a garbage fire inside a waste processing plant atop a landfill built on a massive skunk burial ground." - Kevin Alexander

"His office looked like a tornado hit an Office Max then dumped supplies directly into a college dorm room." - Kevin Alexander

Today's words

Three new words from a single Dictionary Devil puzzle this morning. I've listed them in increasing likelihood of my ever encountering or using them in the wild:

instar /ˈin-ˌstär/ - a stage in the life of an arthropod (such as an insect) between two successive molts
also : an individual in a specified instar

I suppose it's probably odd to think that I'm more likely to need the "also" definition than the primary one. 

florilegium /ˌflȯr-ə-ˈlē-j(ē-)əm/ plural florilegia /ˌflȯr-​ə-​ˈlē-​j(ē-​)ə/ - a volume of writings : anthology

The flowery source of this word is evident. Nice word.

viridity /və-ˈri-də-tē/ - 1a. the quality or state of being green  b. the color of grass or foliage  2. naive innocence

I think I may have encountered this word in its first sense, and might not have thought to list it here if the puzzle hadn't used the second sense. I suppose I am jealous of those whose life didn't crush this form of viridity out of them before they'd matured sufficiently for the word to apply to them.  

it's amazing . . .

. . . how God can manifest His love in my life when i share the worst truth about myself in a room full of people and they share mercy and grace and compassion with me.

and it's amazing how that can still fail to bring much comfort when i've been hurt or even rejected by someone or, in this case, more than one someone, who means the world to me.

i know: i'm having a gratitude problem. thank you, Lord, for protecting me from myself: from sin, doubt, depression, despair.

Saw this today. And this.

I find that it helps me, actually, to consider where I am, relatively. 

Kevin Hines' story probably helps the most, though.

And no, dear reader, I'm not planning. 

I have hope

Had a really difficult and important conversation today with the person I most needed to. I know it's difficult for her, too. I'm hopeful again as a result.

Do you remember . . . ?

. . . how silly we used to be, back when we were dating, when ending our phone calls? 

we'd each wait for the other to hang up first. neither of us wanted to be the one who ended the call.

i've done that a few times recently. you always hang up, though. 

i know it's stupid for that to bother me. you don't know. i don't know how to tell you.

i'm so alone.

i don't think I can ever fix what's wrong. 

i love you.

Note to self: remember to bless others.

I got an almost apology . . .

. . . from my wife about making me a "sewing widower" while she's been working on stuff for the Christmas bazaar.

I guess she doesn't realize that it's really no different from being a television widower every. freaking. night.

goodbye.
the turtle returns to his shell now.

when you want . . .

 . . . to L😍VE something on a friend's timeline but you can't because the last time they communicated with you they basically suggested that you might be cyber stalking them, and you're worried that even still reading their stuff makes it true.

More Bob Bennett

I don't think I'm supposed to tell you
Just how much this means to me
And how I can't uncross the lines
Between this thing I do and the man I'm supposed to be
There's a question in the back of my mind
Who knows what is really true?
I sing these songs and you listen to me
But who's doing the favor for who?

Ref:
I am singing for my life
I am singing, singing
Singing for my life now

It seems almost all of my life
I've held onto the piece of wood
And sometimes I am tempted to think
It's the only time that I can do any good
Sometimes when I stand up to play
I am a lonely and desperate man
These songs are the only prayers I can pray
And I sing them just as hard as I can

Ref.

And in the middle of the congregation
Voices are raised and hearts are pure
I carry a deep, dark secret
Even now I am so unsure
Then I pray, "Oh Lord, come and tear me apart
May the words in my mouth fall to my heart
Remind me why I live and breathe
Is it not to know you?
Is it not to believe?"

I am singing for my life
I am singing, singing
Singing for my life now
Singing for my life
Now 

And sometimes i can't even sing

How it is for everyone

Nobody knows me but You. - Bob Bennett, My Secret Heart

Every time I start to lament, Lord, that there's no one in my life who wants to really know me, please remind me that this is how it's supposed to be.

Today's word

From the most recent Dictionary Devil:

aepyornis /ˌē-pē-ˈȯr-nəs/ - elephant bird

A word coined in 1851 for a bird that has been extinct since 1000-ish. 

Sometimes . . .

. . . there can be conflict between accepting who we are and becoming who God is calling us to be. 

Come to think of it, I'd venture to say that it's way closer to "always" than merely "sometimes."

For instance - and this is only one example that I happen to have encountered recently that happens to be relevant to me - there's a lot of scientific discussion to be had yet on the degree to which gay, lesbian, bi, and trans people are "just born this way." And I don't believe that God makes mistakes in assigning our physical and emotional, and even spiritual, sexuality.

But even if it turns out that some people are, there's no question that one way we're all "born this way" is that we're all touched with sin. 

There has to be a way to balance how we are by nature with our call to holiness that doesn't reject the idea that living God's revealed plan for our sexuality is a key component of the holy lives to which we are called. I accept people however they are, but I don't believe any of us are called to remain as we are, no matter how far along the path to holiness we may be. 

As a person who definitely tends to think of himself in terms of one of the categories in the third paragraph, it is dangerous for me to fall into the trap that I should just embrace being a can of carrots when my outside label says peas. I am called to holiness, and to lay down my life for my bride; to embrace being any one of those categories instead of simply being the holy husband I am called to be interferes with God's plan for my life. 

For all that my dad . . .

. . .  despised me for my weakness, I must have been a damned strong kid to have survived all the horrors of my childhood.

God's grace at work.

i feel . . .

. . . adrift

What haunts me

It isn't the boarded-over windows in the front door, nor the fogged up enclosure in what used to be our open-air side porch, both of which provide a creepy feeling that I suspect is really more about the personal stuff that haunts me.

It's the house where my dad continued his desperate efforts to remake me in his own image, always trying to make me more athletic.

It's the house where he spent countless drunken nights stumbling around and swearing at his personal ghosts, for whom mom and Karen and I were sometimes stand-ins.

It's the house where he and mom fought over his drinking.

It's the house where I once accidentally landed on my sister's head in the swimming pool when I was trying to jump over her and slipped. (Thank God she wasn't hurt.)

It's the house where I overheard him arguing with my grandmom over whether my mom had ever given him "plenty of sex."

It's the house where I first remember being sexually abused by someone: my dad. I've been told that it had happened once before, when I was younger, but I don't remember that.

It's the house where I chose my side, rooting with mom for Notre Dame over dad's Alabama preference in the 1973 Sugar Bowl, even though I didn't know squat. 

It's the house where we stayed with my aunt while mom tended to dad in the hospital after his accident in PA.

It's the house where he finally shot himself while the rest of us were off on vacation. Mom told us he died of a "cerebral hemorrhage."

It's the house where my uncle told me, "You're the man of the house, now."

It's the house where mom finally told me, maybe as much as two years later, that he'd killed himself, and how. 

It's the house where she also finally told me he wasn't my biological father.

It's the house where mom first introduced us to the man who would become (far and away) my worst sexual abuser and, much later, due to the silence about that into which he manipulated me for so long, my stepfather.

It's the house where my wife and I first made love.

It's just a house. But what a freak show my childhood in it was.

Today's word

From the Dictionary Devil: 

ritornello /ˌri-tər-ˈne-(ˌ)lō, ˌri-ˌtȯr-/ - 1a. a short recurrent instrumental passage in a vocal composition   b. an instrumental interlude in early opera  2. a tutti passage in a concerto or rondo refrain

Driving past my haunted house

. . . or maybe it just haunts me.

Had to drive past it four times this weekend.

It still hurts. 

More on that later.

Today's words

carminative /kär-ˈmi-nə-tiv, ˈkär-mə-ˌnā-/ - expelling gas from the stomach or intestines so as to relieve flatulence or abdominal pain or distension

Courtesy of a Words at Play blog entry that's a fun read.

i am clearly neither the man nor the friend i imagined myself to be. 

Love is

the willingness to hurt.

Today's words

tergiversation /'ter-jiv-er-SAY-shun/ - 1. evasion of straightforward action or clear-cut statement : equivocation 2 : desertion of a cause, position, party, or faith

I usually only put words I didn't know here. I made an exception because of one aspect or another of the related words in this WOTD column.

tergiversate /TER-jəv-er-'sayt, 'ter-JIV-er-'sayt, GIV, 'ter-jə-VER-'sayt/ - to engage in tergiversation

Okay, so it's not common as a verb as it is as a noun, although most people could clearly determine the meaning of this one from the previous one. I just think they should have come up with one alternate pronunciation with the emphaSIS on the last syllaBLE. I don't understand why the glottal (or "hard") "g" isn't an option for the noun.

tergum /TER-gəm/ -  the dorsal part or plate of a segment of an arthropod
tergal /TER-gəl/ - dorsal

Now, these are new words for me.

Today's word

phoebe /FEE-bee/ - any of a genus (Sayornis) of the tyrant flycatcher family; especially : a flycatcher (S. phoebe) of the eastern U.S. that has a slight crest and is plain grayish brown above and yellowish white below

From today's Dictionary Devil. It took me a minute, too, to realize that a flycatcher is a bird. 

i don't know . . .

. . . why i bother with this blog. i'm just screaming into the fucking void.

i don't think you know how. 
but thank you for trying. 
you have been such a bright spot in my life.

not like i do.

let the reader beware . . .

. . . that I don't lend pieces of my heart.

I should probably warn people about that sooner.

Today's word

peripeteia /'pair-uh-puh-TEE-uh/ - a sudden or unexpected reversal of circumstances or situation especially in a literary work

A word from my distant past, from either a classics or theater class in my first college (i.e., partying) career. Then there's this new addition to a fun post I've seen lately:

I before E, except (in an entertaining peripeteia) when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight beige counterfeit sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters. Weird. 

i am a zombie 😫💤

Today's word

intestine /in-TESS-tin / - internal; specifically : of or relating to the internal affairs of a state or country

Wow. This makes perfect sense.

Today's words

weltschmerz /VELT-shmairts/ - 1. often capitalized Weltschmerz : mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of the actual state of the world with an ideal state  2. often capitalized Weltschmerz : a mood of sentimental sadness

I really can't believe I haven't entered this word in my blog before. I own this word.

coeval /koh-EE-vul/ - of the same or equal age, antiquity, or duration

An older WOTD I missed, somehow. I've heard it before, but couldn't place it. 

Is there anybody . . . out there?

I wish you could tell me you don't give up on me.

Today's word

anastrophe /ə-ˈnas-trə-(ˌ)fē/ - inversion of the usual syntactical order of words for rhetorical effect

Was sure I'd entered this word somewhere in this blog before. Didn't find it on a search though, so here it is, from today's Dictionary Devil puzzle. New to me, the related:

hysteron proteron /ˌhi-stə-ˌrän-ˈprä-tə-ˌrän, -tə-rən-ˈprä-tə-rən, -ˈprȯ-/ - a figure of speech consisting of the reversal of a natural or rational order (as in "then came the thunder and the lightning")

I love the etymology: Late Latin, from Greek, literally, (the) later earlier, (the) latter first

The Wall

When I was in my first college career (i.e., my partying career), I misinterpreted the meaning of Pink Floyd's tour de force in multiple ways. For instance, I thought Goodbye, Cruel World was a song about suicide. It wasn't until I read more about the album a couple decades later that I understood what they were actually conveying there.

Sometimes it's all I can do to not put the final brick in.

And sometimes I wonder if I haven't already.

Just the refrain

I can't connect at all with the rest of the song at this stage and status of my life, but the refrain really resonates with me:

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
                                         - Goo Goo Dolls

Tangentially related: I'm a little worried about this reunion. Some blissfully ignorant classmate is going to bloviate about how Dr. Ford has forgotten who freakin' assaulted her, and I'm just not going to be able to keep my mouth shut. (How it's related: I don't want the world to see me . . . It isn't my job to make myself vulnerable to them just to fix their ignorance, as if I could.)

Today's word

rodomontade /rah-duh-mun-TAYD/ - 1. a bragging speech 2. vain boasting or bluster : rant

Yes, I believe her

Everyone acknowledges she was sexually assaulted.

If they think it's reasonable that she might not accurately remember who her assailant was, they should get on their knees and thank God that they don't know shit about sexual assault/abuse.

finding emo?

there's someone who's supposed to be my first resource for emotional support. but even though i'm doing a better job than ever of looking to her first, that often doesn't work for us. then i end up feeling more alone and hopeless than before, in addition to whatever i was already dealing with.

When they say . . .

. . . that "it's okay to not be okay," what they mean is that it's okay to know that you need help and go get it. 

I've really no idea what they'd say about someone who knows he could benefit from help but won't go get it. 

But they also say that doing the same thing and expecting different results is a definition of insanity. I don't expect any different results if I get help again, from any of the half dozen counselors I've worked with in the past or from someone new. And I don't expect any different results if I simply carry on, either. 

Thank you, God, for my grandchildren.

This is my normal

It isn't my new normal; it has been my normal for a really long time now. The thing is, the things that could change it don't appear to be options for me. I will keep trusting in God and letting Him remind me to be thankful rather than resentful. There is so much to appreciate.

"This" is still an anagram.

Today's word

lenitive /LEN-uh-tiv/ - alleviating pain or harshness : soothing

It seems like it's around this time each year, for about a month, that whoever's turn it is in the rotation for providing Word of the Day columns stretches my vocabulary with more new words than I get from the feature during the rest of the year. I love new words.

Some friends are this way for each other. I often try to be, especially with truths that people have heard harshly all their lives. But I find that my best efforts to be a lenitive influence often end up being exacerbative (which apparently isn't a word, but ought to be), instead.

Today's word

chiliad /KILL-ee-ad / - 1. a group of 1000  2. a period of 1000 years; especially : one reckoned from the beginning of the Christian era

Totally new word for me, which I mispronounced and mistook for a new and unnecessary replacement for a pair of perfectly suitable existing words.

SSDY

Two inanimate objects speak truth

On one post and one comment. 

I think my friend's phone was meaner to me than mine was. 

The Yearning

This song we've used in choir before and are practicing again is an interesting piece for me emotionally. We pull it out, and the empty yearning within my heart threatens to rip away my mask and let my tears flow. But its resolution in the refrain reminds me that every heart is yearning for our Savior, no matter what else we posit as the object of our yearning.

Today's words

From the Dictionary Devil:

botryoidal /ˌbä-trē-ˈȯi-dᵊl/ - having the form of a bunch of grapes

monocarpic /ˌmä-nō-ˈkär-pik / - bearing fruit but once and then dying

At least the second one was recognizable?

No particular reason

This is my fifth night in a row of being awake during the night. But it's the first one in which i haven't had a particular reason for not falling back to sleep.

That's kind of nice, actually. Thanks, God!

F* ptsd

YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO READ THIS.



in my nightmare, i am my current age. my stepfather is here, in my house. i am alone with him, but i know he is now too old and senile to be a threat anymore. i am showering downstairs when he shockingly pulls open the shower curtain and starts to climb in with me. how did i not hear him open the bathroom door? he isn't nearly his current physical age, and he reacts to my shock and my insistence that he leave by brandishing his tiny erection and clear intentions, cackling his fucking abusive amused cackle. i somehow flee the bathroom and run upstairs while he continues showering and calling out to me to come back. i consider calling 911, knowing now as i didn't then that this is how to respond to his abusive actions. but i imagine them dismissing the threat, chalking the incident up to his senility and advanced age. still naked, i grab the chef's knife and go back down the stairs, where he is still showering in the closed bathroom, but decide that probably won't go well. "why hadn't i locked the door?" i excoriate myself, again piling guilt on myself that has always rightly belonged to him, just as he'd always taught me to do.

i know, i think, i'll just leave and figure it out from a safe place. i rush back into my bedroom and grab my jeans to pull onto my not-quite dry body. (how did it get that way? i hadn't toweled off. dream weirdness.) i have them not quite secured when i hear him approaching down the hallway. oh shit! i left the door open again! wtf was i thinking? (more self blaming). i rush to close and lock it, but before i can turn the lock he is turning the knob and pushing against the door, and i am still not as physically strong as him. i never was. he is overpowering me again, forcing the door open. i know what is coming next, no matter how much i resist.

this is when i woke up, bolting upright but not shouting out loud, somehow not waking my wife.

and it wasn't until i left my bedroom, awake, with no hope of returning back to sleep until my racing heart calms back down, that i realized my granddaughters are here. and it wasn't until just now that I realized it isn't a work day.



he can't hurt me anymore. this is just a dream. i am safe.

again i choose to forgive him, even though it isn't what i want to do and even though he doesn't deserve it for what he did to me over and over again. i pray that he will be well, and heal from his own brokenness, and live in God's love. it is still true that he doesn't understand his sin. and i will not pay the price that hating him will cost me. that isn't self-love, and i will not give up the freedom Jesus has won for me over him. yes, i hate what he did to me. but i refuse to hate him.

Lord, heal my mind, and please heal my step-father, too.

The Sound of Silence

Hello Darkness, my old friend . . . 

This turns out to be a very different post from any I'd have expected to write that would start with those words.

I heard a Paul Simon interview on the radio this morning, in which he discussed his current album while in the midst of his farewell tour. The album consists of new treatments of older songs that he'd decided he wanted to do something different with. Of course, during the interview they played this song, which is not on his new album, because he mentioned it as one of only a relative few that he's never really wished he'd done anything different with. I agree with him that it's amazing he could've composed this at 22 or 23 years old. I've always had an affinity for it, too. But this morning, something important dawns on me.

The darkness is not, and has never been, my friend.

It is more akin to a secret lifelong lover, to whom I clandestinely steal away on a regular basis, in the vain hope of experiencing a deeper and more mysteriously noble version of myself.

That is an empty promise, a vapor, a mirage. All it really has ever done is to suck the joy out of the life to which I am called.

Goodbye, darkness . . . 

When you realize . . .

. . . the sad, painful truth about every relationship in your life. 

trying to remember the last day when i didn't at least once wish that i was dead.

a few whys

why do we insist on believing that our view of the world is the accurate one? (this may be linked to original sin, I think, actually)

why do we insist that the version of someone we have come to know is the true one?

why do we conflate experience with truth?

 

Today's words

spalpeen /spal-ˈpēn , spȯl-/ - chiefly Irish  : rascal

portamento /ˌpȯr-tə-ˈmen-(ˌ)tō/ - a continuous gliding movement from one tone to another (as by the voice)

I suppose I've been the first, and have often done the second.

When you know the truth

and you even speak the truth on a regular basis

but it doesn't seem to matter to your private decisions.

the video doesn't lie

i thought i'd gamboled up that warped wall like a gazelle, hoisted myself to the top victoriously, and gracefully slid back down the pole to rejoin my teammates.

no.

i crawled up like a sloth, dragged myself up laboriously, and slid down awkwardly.

i've always been ugly and awkward. 

now i'm also old, fat, and slow.

i have finally figured out . . .

. . . that i am never going to make it. 
but i will keep faking it until i finally fucking die.

Shhhh . . .

I'm lying by omission and coerced inference, at least a little, when I say I've had plenty of time to miss you. I'm sure I actually would miss you if you were gone much longer, but for now I'm enjoying you being gone.

God forgive and help me.

Smart aleck comment I bit my tongue on instead

"My brother-in-law is trying to poison me," she jested after encountering a bad hard-boiled egg.

"Tell him I'm not paying him until the job's done," I realized (barely in time, but fortunately) I shouldn't say in reply!

I don't think that would have been received as I would have intended it.

She isn't the one I'd want him to poison.

Challenge

"Get your head in a good place," she said.

"Yeah. Good luck with that," replied my head.

What sort of person???

Don't put those shirts back in my room. 

Where are you taking that ironing board?

Into the sewing room.

Why?

To press my shirts.

I don't want that in my room.

i don't leave it in there.

(never freaking mind the minimal amount of room it occupies standing folded up in the corner if i did, i don't say out loud)

Why do you need to do that in there anyway?

Well, the iron's already in there, and it's a convenient space. It's just easier.

(Silence.)

You don't mind me using your iron, too, do you?

Actually, I do.

Okay. Can you explain why?

Well, the only reason I can think of I asked for a new iron for myself for my birthday, not for the house. 

Really? i have to have my own ironing board and (crappy old) iron and space, even if i put everything away every time, because you don't want to share your nice new stuff even with me, and even when I bought it for you? Are you afraid I'm going to break your fancy new iron somehow? Do you think I want to overpay for another one to replace it if I do?

More significantly: what do you think our life together is supposed to be about, exactly?

Another day in paradise (by the dashboard light). As anti-marriage as that song is, there's another reason I hate it.

Another lie

They've been the same from the very beginning, but what they all come down to is:

It's okay to decide for yourself (or, to all of humanity, among yourselves) what is right and what is wrong. 

Isn't that the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil? But what is the true, long-term fruit of that tree? Isn't it relativism?

I prefer to trust in my loving Father, who both knows and truly wants what is best for me, rather than in the mass of humanity whose chief interest lies in each of ourselves.

So when humanity insists that my sin is not so bad, a normal part of human nature, or even laudable and beneficial, it might appeal to my natural - and, I should be honest: selfish - inclinations. But it will not ultimately result in my becoming the person my loving Father dreams for me to become: the image and bodily presence of His beloved Son.

The arrogance of self-determinism underlies all the deadly sins and undermines all virtue.

Lies which the evil one uses

All of his lies are intended to make us disbelieve either our identity as God's children or our destiny in living in His love. In the broadest sense, they include:

• God's blessings are burdens.
• The things and actions from which God tells us to abstain are blessings.
• The remarkable things God has done in others' lives are beyond us.
• We are incapable of that to which God calls us.
• God's timeless truth is outdated ignorance.
• We have plenty of time to be obedient and trust Him. "It can wait."
• Living for the moment means putting off God's will for later.
• My sins are greater than others'.
• The particular way that I am disregarding God is not that important.
• A small and understandable disobedience is no big deal.
• Other's sins are greater than mine (or mine isn't really a sin).

(The critical reader may note that there is significant overlap among these.) Now, the specifics to which our adversary applies these lies vary greatly from one person to the next. But the general theme of them is the same in all of our lives, and they are all intended to keep us from embracing our identity and our destiny of beloved sons and daughters of a Father who knows what is truly best for us and reveals it through His Word and His Church.

So whether the thing with which we compromise be connected to lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, or pride, let us renounce the lie beneath it and embrace God's greater plan for us as sons and daughters destined for eternal holiness.

Today's word

A couple recent Words of the Day:
orgulous /OR-gyuh-lus/ - proud

This is definitely a new one on me. I think for most of my usage, "haughty" (which I thought of before scrolling to the Test Your Vocabulary portion of the post) will suffice.

lapidary /LAP-uh-dair-ee/ - 1. a cutter, polisher, or engraver of precious stones usually other than diamonds 2. the art of cutting gems

So, just to be clear: a lapidary is a practitioner of lapidary.

And a bunch from the Dictionary Devil:
sidereal /sī-ˈdir-ē-əl , sə-/ -  of, relating to, or expressed in relation to stars or constellations : astral

I have encountered this word before and have always understood it in context, but didn't get it without context around it. 

anfractuosity /(ˌ)an-ˌfrak-chə-ˈwä-sə-tē , -shə- ; -chü-ˈä- , -shü-/ - 1. the quality or state of being anfractuous 2. a winding channel or course; especially : an intricate path or process (as of the mind)

I've heard of, and perhaps even used, the term anfractuous before. I've always used the last pronunciation

campanology // - the art of bell ringing

I've practiced this, if hand bells count, but don't know if I've ever heard it called this. Don't know why they don't give a pronunciation, but it's pretty standard.

loblolly /ˈläb-ˌlä-lē/ - 1. dialect a : a thick gruel  b : mire, mudhole  2. dialect : lout  3. loblolly pine

The puzzle used the first definition. The only one I'd ever heard used was the last. 

qiviut /ˈkē-vē-ət , -vē-ˌüt/ -  the wool of the undercoat of the musk ox

Another completely new word for me. I hope I recognize it should I encounter it again.

Today's words

slimsy /SLIM-zee/ - flimsy, frail

Pretty sure I've never encountered this one, but I agree with the post writer's assessment that this should be apparent by context. I got it even in the absence of context.

weald /WEELD/ - 1. a heavily wooded area : forest  2. a wild or uncultivated usually upland region

On the other hand, I'm pretty sure I've seen this one before, and am also pretty sure that the only way I'll recognize it in the future is by context.

If joy is the mark of the authentic Christian life . . .

. . . then i must be an utter fraud . . .

. . . but if it is love . . .

. . . then perhaps not.

Balance in relationships?

Gotta be careful about this one, because you can take this valid and important thought and carry it all the way to obsessively twisted.

One indicator of a dying relationship is when the two people in it aren't roughly equivalently important to, and committed to, each other.

Yet I am also convinced that this is true in our relationship with God. His love and His nature are such that we are far more important to Him than even the most devoted of us allow Him to be to us.

Today's words

risorgimento /ree-zor-jih-MEN-toh/ - 1. often capitalized, the 19th century movement for Italian political unity 2. a time of renewal or renaissance : revival

Nice word with an interesting history

inchmeal /INCH-meel/ -  little by little, gradually

New word that I understood instantly.

Vacation

Really nice time visiting the New England area last week. First time in Massachusetts, New Hampshire (briefly), Maine, and Rhode Island. More to share later.

Successful work leads to more work

80% of our white papers from last submission cycle were selected for full proposals.

Today's words

nimiety /nih-MYE-uh-tee/ - excess, redundancy

I tend to agree with the post author's evaluation of this word's self-applicability. I like it anyway, along with its adjectival form nimious.

lucubration /loo-kyuh-BRAY-shun/ - laborious or intensive study; also : the product of such study — usually used in plural

I guess I enjoy my not-so-lucubratious vocabulary pursuits.

even if i were to completely stop messaging you, i don't think i'd think about you any less. reminders of you are everywhere.

i'm so glad i've never let my thoughts get out of line. yes, you're on my mind often, but always with prayers that you are walking in God's plan for you.

Today's words

canicular /kuh-NIK-yuh-ler/ - of or relating to the period between early July and early September when hot weather occurs in the northern hemisphere

I was familiar with this word but hadn't heard it in long enough to recall it when I saw it this time.

métier /MET-yay/ - 1. vocation, trade  2. an area of activity in which one excels : forte

Another somewhat familiar word. Probably would have understood both of these in context.

asseverate /uh-SEV-uh-rayt / - to affirm or declare positively or earnestly

Because, you know, sometimes you just need a four-syllable synonym for "assert." At least it's a new word for my vocabulary.

I'm across the hallway from where i belong because my wife is angry at me.

It feels as if I'm across the street.

My only reason tonight: to not hurt others.

It's weird

I seem to do better with purity of thought when I am in the midst of trials.

suddenly i'm seventeen again

How I feel about my life right now . . .

. . . is a sin.

Today's word

bedizen /bih-DYE-zun/ - to dress or adorn gaudily

Pretty sure I was familiar with this one already. Wish I could remember whence.

Also, this may be the first time I've used whence without a redundant "from."

A joyful reunion

Dear friends came to town yesterday whom we probably hadn't seen in fifteen years. We'd had two of their sons over in the intervening years, but we had missed them so very much. They arrived yesterday to visit their son, who it turns out had a commitment last night. This impromptu dinner gathering was a time of great celebration of God's gifts in our lives. We celebrated where we have been together and what the Lord has been doing in our lives of late.

Thank you, God, for these wonderful people!

Nostalgia

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5t5KMI8-1vs

Too much time and energy . . .

. . . spent last night, when I should have been sleeping, longing for a time which I'd be better off repenting. 

Today's words

defenestration /dee-'fen-uh-STRAY-shun/ - 1. a throwing of a person or thing out of a window  2. a usually swift dismissal or expulsion (as from a political party or office)

Okay, this is not a new word for me. I have encountered it numerous times, and was surprised when a search of my blog posts indicated I've never written about it before. I remember the first time I encountered it, in an article marveling that there should be a verb for this specific action (1). The thing is, every time I've run across it since then, except in the rare cases where I've seen it in context, my mind insists on first interpreting it as a synonym for "evisceration."

And if yours now starts doing that, too . . . well . . . you're welcome?

recherché /rə-ˌsher-ˈshā , -ˈsher-ˌshā/ - 1a. exquisite, choice  b.exotic, rare  2. excessively refined : affected  3. pretentious, overblown

Context will be very important for ascertaining the meaning of this one when encountered "in the wild."

Today's word

mantic /MAN-tik/ - of or relating to the faculty of divination : prophetic

yay. a new word.

birthday

at least i got to spend it with my wife.

only because she was sick.

i got one card.

at least there were a lot of Facebook greetings.

Ok. It's time . . .

. . . for me to get my head back where it belongs again.
and off of fantasizing about being bisexual.

Today's word

midden /ˈmi-dᵊn/ - 1. dunghill  2a. a refuse heap; especially : kitchen midden b. a small pile (as of seeds, bones, or leaves) gathered by a rodent (such as a pack rat)

This was a new one on me, courtesy of the Dictionary Devil puzzle.

Today's words

mise-en-scène /'meez-'ahn-SEN/ - 1a. the arrangement of actors and scenery on a stage for a theatrical production  b. stage setting  2a. the physical setting of an action (as of a narrative or a motion picture) : context  b. environment, milieu

Kind of had a feeling that there should be a sub-emphasis on the first syllable. But the standard entry indicated that there are actually sub-emphases on the first two syllables which were not shown in the WOTD-style pronunciation, so I've added them above (but still omitted the alternate pronunciation).

arrogate /AIR-uh-gayt / -  1a. to claim or seize without justification b. to make undue claims to having : assume  2. to claim on behalf of another : ascribe

And I was pretty sure when I saw this word that it would have some relationship to "arrogant," but wasn't sure exactly how. Sure 'nuff.

officially giving up.
lights are on, but no one is home anymore.

Today's words

Wow. Over a month since one of these entries.

cuirass /kwi-ˈras , kyu̇-/ - 1. a piece of armor covering the body from neck to waist; also : the breastplate of such a piece  2. something (such as bony plates covering an animal) resembling a cuirass

oneiric /ō-ˈnī-rik/ - of or relating to dreams : dreamy

i should stop entertaining these thoughts so much

especially since i'm never going to act on them.

but it is so damned entertaining.

will replace this invisible print later with details of what i'm talking about, but not now. It will be very graphic, though, so you probably won't want to come back to read it. 

Can you not feel this?

How we're spiraling?
We're like this phone. Cracked but still functioning. Getting worse with every drop. 
And being increasingly careless. 
Both of us.

My identity and destiny:

These are both the target of and my best defense against every temptation.

i'm so sleepy. 

"partners" - what they call it when one person's efforts - all day, every day - make the other's life choices possible.

apparently

There is no greater love than this . . .

There is no greater love than this . . .
There is no greater love than this . . . 
There is no greater love than this . . .
There is no greater love than this . . . 
There is no greater love than this . . . 
There is no greater love than this . . . 
There is no greater love than this . . . 
There is no greater love than this . . . 
There is no greater love than this . . . 
There is no greater love than this . . . 
There is no greater love than this . . . 

Nobody else knows . . .

. . . what today is . . . 

and i can't tell the people who could best relate because it would remind them of their own pain.

Waiting . . .

Finished my "just checking" tests this morning for increased risks associated with PKD. The first one, the intracranial aneurysm check, provided a temporary . . . I don't know, "scare" is too strong a word . . . concern? . . . in the MRA that the angiogram revealed wasn't one an aneurysm after all. We'll see what today's echocardiogram and liver ultrasound turn up. Hopefully nothing. Should have results in a couple days.

Put in my place

"I enjoy hearing from you during the day."

"Well I don’t have anyone else to confide in at work. Not used to no work buddies."

Ok. 

Gee, thanks.

When you have a middle of the day, very-briefly-nodding-off-at-your-desk dream in which you are sobbing, "I'm not strong enough. I'm not strong enough," as you meet the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.

(and I'm not even a fan of royalty, though I don't have anything against them.)

I'm so tired.

Today's word

cathexis /kuh-THEK-sis / - investment of mental or emotional energy in a person, object, or idea

Regarding the second example: sometimes authentic commitment is all the cement a foolish young couple needs to transform mere cathexis into something more lasting.

back on track for a couple days, but not feeling very sanguine about it . . .

Today's words

From a cool Words at Play post (all pronunciations and definitions are informed guesses, since none of these words are listed on the site):

grawlix /ˈgrȯl-iks/ - a series of unpronounceable characters used to represent a vulgarity, commonly in comics

briffit /ˈbri-fit/ - in a comic, the cloud of dust left when a character or object makes a quick departure

plewds /ˈplüds/ - drops of sweat that are shown in a comic when a character is under stress

definitely zero. even without. 

I'm such a fucking failure at this.

Measuring progress

There's no point in this if I'm not going to be honest. There's no qualifying it with technicality or degree. Perhaps later, if it turns out this doesn't follow past patterns, I might revisit this, but lacking solid evidence: 

zero

dammit

Today's words

From the Dictionary Devil:

exanimate /eg-ˈza-nə-mət/ - 1. lacking animation : spiritless  2. being or appearing lifeless

Didn't have any trouble matching this one to it's definition. Was looking for something close to this based on the roots.

ferruginous /fə-ˈrü-jə-nəs, fe-/ - 1. of, relating to, or containing iron a ferruginous soil 2.  resembling iron rust in color

Again, the roots made this one obvious, even though I hadn't encountered it before. The puzzle used the second definition.

saltatorial /ˌsal-tə-ˈtȯr-ē-əl , ˌsȯl-/ - 1. relating to, marked by, or adapted for leaping: saltatorial legs of a grasshopper

I knew this wasn't going to be too closely related to sartorial; related to "something," sure, but I had no idea what. 

Measuring progress

Over four weeks now. Some days I feel confident, others I'm sure I'm going to fail. Both types of days, God has reminded me to depend on Him.

Another dream

I'm not sure what to make of them. I certainly know not to conclude that I'm gay. 

So far, I am not letting them lead me into fantasy, but trusting in God's revealed plan for my life.

I've been doing so well

After my dream this morning, I feel as if I'm clinging to the edge by my fingernails.

Grace. Must remember that it isn't me, it's God.

Disturbing dream

The dream was graphic. I'm not including the details, but still, you should stop reading if you don't want to know this about me.

In it, I was visiting my uncle, who was still alive. In my dream, he shared the long-term obsession from which I've felt the Lord has been delivering me for the last month or so. In my dream, I shared with him where I think that obsession came from and why it was so hurtful to me.

At first he was patient with me, understanding that I didn't want to give in to this desire. But eventually he tempted me anyway. I resisted by saying that I would feel like a piece of defecatory material if I did. He replied that this was the purpose of it. Then I woke up.

The first thing I realized was that my uncle is still dead. I miss him so much, and he would never have done anything like this to me.

The second thing I remembered was to interpret dreams as if every element represents me in some way. That actually fit, especially the reminder at the end, which is very important for me to remember!

The third thing I remembered was to ask God to help me in my weakness.

(Added: The aftermath of this dream is that this temptation that had been so far removed from my thoughts for the last month has been in the forefront of my mind all day. Failure feels inevitable again.)

Happy grandpa, sad grandpa

It was really nice that our second-oldest grandson came over for a while yesterday.

It was really disappointing that our oldest grandson bailed out on us for dinner.

A dark moment takes me by surprise

"Not that we long to die . . . " our pastor said in his Easter homily, in the context of our eternal life in Christ giving us perspective on death.

"The hell I don't," my brain insisted.

Exulting!

I'm sorry he got sick. But I'm really glad I got to sing the Exsultet!

I love the Easter vigil. Somehow we used to finish it under three hours with all eight possible readings. For some reason we now barely manage that with only the minimum five. I miss the ones we don't get to hear anymore, especially the Genesis reading with Jacob and Isaac, on which Michael Card's song God Will Provide the Lamb was based.

A funny conclusion from a child

The young man who used to be our assistant music director before he moved away has come back, with his wife and young children, and was in the church to rehearse while I was setting up the music area for this evening's vigil. "I've got to tell you this," he began.

He then related how they'd been preparing to come to the Holy Thursday service, which was an unusual day and for their three-year-old son to be coming to church. So he asked if they were going to the white room, which his dad concluded referred to our music room. But before realizing this his dad asked, "The white room?"

"Yeah," his son replied, "Where Mr. Tom lives."

Well, around Easter that's almost true, I guess.

Opposite problems

You want us all to leave you alone.

I wish just one other person would remember and be with me.

Blessings

First, no one directly asked me about my childhood at the end of the meeting.

Second, someone found the car key I dropped this morning before I realized it was missing.

Biggest: I am deeply loved.
because all of this is better to think about than wanting to die.

why do i so often feel so hopeless?

Measuring progress - days become weeks

21, so 3.

I don't expect I'll post about this on a weekly basis, at least not for long. But for now, it's good to keep reminding myself how God continues to provide grace. I'm still weak, but am trying to trust Him each day. 

If there's a next time I post about this, I'll have to drop the label "Lent" . . . 

Today's words

From the Dictionary Devil puzzle:

amphimixis /ˌam(p)-fi-ˈmik-səs/ - the union of gametes in sexual reproduction

Because in scientific usage, fertilization won't do? Perhaps this is a more general term?

novation /nō-ˈvā-shən/ - the substitution of a new legal obligation for an old one

This could be a useful word. This happens all the time. I've quit managing my credit by this approach.

pasquinade /ˌpa-skwə-ˈnād/ - 1. a lampoon posted in a public place 2. satirical writing : satire

I believe I've recently encountered this word in its second sense, and perhaps have run into it in the first sense before, as used in the puzzle, as well. 

wainscot /ˈwān-skət , -ˌskōt , -ˌskät/ - 1. British : a fine grade of oak imported for woodwork
2a. (1) : a usually paneled wooden lining of an interior wall (2) : a lining of an interior wall irrespective of material  b. the lower three or four feet (about one meter) of an interior wall when finished differently from the remainder of the wall

I was also familiar with this word, but only in its 2b definition, but not in the 2a(1) definition used in the puzzle.

Passionate Grace

In our reading of the Passion today, I found a moment of connection with my darkest, most shameful moment. As it briefly washed over me, I found a response other than crushing regret. I remembered that the intervening years have brought an abundance of grace and reconciliation and resurrection out of something that definitely needed to die in me.

Seems to fit today's reflection from Dynamic Catholic.

I'm sure that video link will be cleared at some point. The theme was not rushing past Palm Sunday and Holy Week to get to Easter.

Measuring progress

16

The more important part is God revealing the next thing He wants to work on, I think.

Measuring progress

13.

Thank you God. I was pretty close. 

Today's words

Just go here. They aren't all new to me, but most are . . .

Measuring progress

Ten. But I'm beginning to feel that sense of inevitable failure. 

God, please be my strength.

longing

i know i shouldn't be

but i am

Measuring progress

Seven.

I wonder what it would be like if my quality of life depended on this number never returning to zero, if this was as important as a recovering alcoholic, drug, or gambling addict abstaining from their addiction? Would it make it easier to stay on track, or harder, if my perceived stakes were greater? Would there be more pressure, a greater longing for what I could never experience again - especially, in my case, for an alleged part of myself that I've denied? Would I depend on God more, or use the addictive dynamic to reinforce my mistaken notions of my nature to an even greater degree? 

I think that the brain mechanism of my addiction and others is probably similar. I have always judged that the consequences of mine are less, but Matthew Kelly has revealed the lie behind the common perception that this a personal thing that doesn't matter much. 

I also worry that the adversary will use this fresh awareness to set me up for a bigger fall. I don't, for instance, treat this as morally equivalent to eating more than I should - there may be similarities, but it isn't the same thing; after all, you have to eat to live - and I also no longer treat it as no big deal. I am coming to recognize that every temptation we experience is an assault on our identity and our destiny, and we must meet them in the same was that Jesus met his. I know that I am a beloved Son of the Most High who lives by His grace and draws upon His strength in my weakness, and my purpose is to glorify Him with my entire life. 

And this is one area in which I have struggled to do so for as long as it has been physiologically possible.

How I was feeling

I knew that last night was probably my only free night of the week, so I was looking forward to grocery shopping with you. Just you. I was even willing to stay up a little later to do so (though not much). Then it became this group shopping trip, and no, I wasn't interested in that. So divide and conquer seemed like a good plan, and then "Hey, meet us here after you're done there" definitely didn't. So bailed on that part, went home, put my stuff away, put away the dishes which were dry by then, and was still in bed when I wanted to be. I left the light on for you, figuring you'd come to bed when you got home. I don't know what I was thinking; I know better than this. Two hours later I turned it off.

No, you weren't in bed by midnight. I turned the light off at 12:15. You were not long after that, but I was pretty mad by then.

We just keep drifting further apart, and I don't even care anymore. You have your television, and your sewing, and your volunteering, and your way. Have a nice separate life together.

Exercising again

I hope my schedule allows for more of this. It was so nice to get on the bike yesterday, even if it was just for a half-hour. Gotta figure out what's going on with my shifter though.

Aneurysm

Good talk with the neurosurgeon today, and my fear of it being a useless visit were unfounded. I needed to hear what he told me.

I'm thankful I can keep - er, restart - exercising. Angiogram next month (six weeks. sigh) to verify the MRA results. Then decision whether to keep monitoring or to treat.

Today's words

From the Dictionary Devil puzzle:

anfractuous /an-ˈfrak-chə-wəs , -shə- ; -chü-əs , -shü-/ - full of windings and intricate turnings : tortuous

adscititious /ˌad-sə-ˈti-shəs/ - derived or acquired from something extrinsic

campanulate /ˌcam-ˈpan-yə-lət, -ˌlāt/ -  shaped like a bell campanulate flowers

Of these, I think I'd heard of the last before.

Old, tired, fat, slow, down, scared

over-committed, under exercised, and afraid my brain is going to explode and i'll be left incapable.

Did I mention down?

What a helpful post

Today's Best Lent Ever post offers me fresh insight into how virtue and character fit into the greater picture of holiness. I think the Desert Fathers and Mothers would caution us about making virtue and character the goal in and of themselves, but I think they'd confirm their importance in greater scheme of living in Christ Jesus.

Some challenges are hidden blessings

One of our daughters has been dealing with a weight loss issue that took some effort to pin down. It turned out to be related to some lifelong health issues she has had. One could have easily made the argument that this was where they should have started looking in the first place. But it turns out that the tests to nail that down were more involved, and it made sense to check out some other things along the way to getting there.

One of those other things was a colonoscopy. During the procedure they found a pair of polyps which they removed. I've long heard that all colon polyps, if not addressed, will eventually develop into cancer. But the biopsy on the largest of these revealed that it was already in the precancerous stage. In a year, they've told her, she'd have had full-blown colon cancer.

Meanwhile they've also found and begun to address the underlying reason for her weight loss.

True self vs. false self

Even after sharing on this, just this morning, with a friend, I still manage find myself getting caught up in thoughts and wishes that lead me away from my true identity and my place in God.

Lenten journey

Nice day. Good men's group. Ok retreat on a subject I love. Glad i didn't go to Columbus, as tired as i was. Soup stock cooking. Decent nap. Nice games with wife and granddaughter.

Challenges nonetheless. It is hard being the only one in a relationship who recognizes when they should apologize.

Do the next right thing

In today's Best Lent Ever reflection, Matthew Kelly says this is the approach that truly maximizes our long-term happiness. 

I'm trying to decide whether he's full of bovine defecation. I've already been doing this for a really long time.

Nightmares

i was in the Georgia log house, in town for my stepfather's soon to be remarriage. He showed me how to silence the grandfather clock "in case you need to," as if expecting that there'd be a reason why i would, before taking off for his last night of freedom. During the night his first wife (who i never met irl; he was married once before my mom, i think) and her grown son (not the step-brother whom i know irl, though i was in my late twenties before they married and my thirties before mom or i knew he was my stepfather's son - which itself reveals a lot about my stepfather, right?) dropped by briefly to express their poor wishes for his future - something about rotting in misery; before they left they also shared in passing the news that he'd been arrested and was now in jail, but i didn't believe them. In the morning, his fiancée and her grown kids came by wondering where he was. i don't remember if i told them what i'd heard, but soon they were blasting YMCA from the sound system in the giant (non-existent irl) garage behind that house that i helped build (irl, and now wish i could bulldoze) and to which i fled in vain for refuge from the music. While it was playing, confirmation of his jailing somehow arrived, and as they were getting into cars and scoffing at me for my aversion to their party song, i interrupted their departure to explain why i hate it, but for some reason didn't tell them that it was their about-to-be family member who had started sexually abusing me there. i suppose it just seemed as if they deserved each other. (My interpretation of this dream: i guess i still have forgiveness work to do. i wonder where he is irl?)

There was a second dream that i don't remember now, but it was also disturbing when I woke from it during the night.

In the third nightmare we were hunting (for food, not for sport) with a guide. Somehow the etymology for "venison" in this dream came from using a "Venn diagram" of the preys' habitats. (Yes, i know that isn't what a Venn diagram is irl.) But there weren't deer in the area, just a bunch of giraffes. i hired a hunter to kill me, and he showed up at the house as i was cooking meat in the oven, but he didn't try to kill me. i burned my hand on the oven wall getting the food out, and observed that that wouldn't matter soon, with which he disagreed. i wondered when he would get on with what i'd payed him to do.

Today's word

You can read it for yourself here, if you want. That's all the effort I'm going to spend on it.

One of my favorite songs from The Way of the Cross (again) this year:

Mercy

Susan Bentall Boersma

Craig Courtney

I dare not lift my guilty eyes
I hide my lips in trembling shame
And in the darkness of my soul
I shrink from Your rekindling flame

Kyrie eleison.
Kyrie eleison.
Have mercy.

In mercy cover me with grace
and blot out my iniquity
Renew my heart, and wash me clean
Grant with Your pardon purity.

Kyrie eleison.
Kyrie eleison.
Have mercy.

In equal measure of Your love, You promise mercy

Tender compassion to the one who seeks Your face

A broken heart, a fainting soul, a contrite spirit

together cry for Your forgiveness

Against You only have I sinned

My deeds are evil in your sight

Of Your forgiveness let me sing

And in my singing take delight

Kyrie eleison.

Kyrie eleison.

Have mercy.

Have mercy.

Have mercy.

Thank you, Susan and Craig, for this incredible song.

And just that fast . . .

. . . I forgot all about Ash Wednesday and grabbed a piece of candy out of the dish in the lobby on the way past. 

It tastes awful.

In the desert

I know it's early yet, but I am finding it difficult to enter into Lent. 

I feel as if I've been living in the desert for so long already.

But it is where I belong, so . . . 

Today's words

adust /uh-DUST/ - scorched, burned

Describes my life. 

instauration /in-staw-RAY-shun/ - 1. restoration after decay, lapse, or dilapidation  2. an act of instituting or establishing something

I'm tired.

Sleep, I have a question:

Why are you avoiding me?

when the memories

are so heavy that you want to curl into a ball and hide under the covers until they never happened, and the weather seconds the motion, only you have to function anyway, and when i say heavy i mean that their gravity sucks you into its relentless pull and you don't have enough booster rockets to reach escape velocity and you run out of fuel and your orbit decays and you are falling, accelerating downward and rushing to meet the surface and you can't wait to get there because at least then it will be over but you just keep falling . . .

Trying, . . .

. . . for once, to not be a hypocrite.
. . . to not indulge my fantasy in my thoughts. 
. . . to want this part of me to be transformed rather than conforming to this world, which says, "well, of course, you can't resist your nature, and you shouldn't try."

Today's words

Three consecutive new words of the day:

tucket /TUCK-ut / - a fanfare on a trumpet

A nice word to celebrate my mom: happy birthday, Spitfire! (It was nice to see her old nickname featured on a Super Bowl commercial, too.)

blench /BLENCH/ -  to draw back or turn aside from lack of courage : flinch

It is good to know that, while I am determinedly turning away from a course of action in my life that part of me very much wants to pursue, I am not blenching from it. (I think I may have heard of the other form of blench.)

spavined /SPAV-ind / -  1. affected with swelling 2. old and decrepit : over-the-hill

If the second shoe fits, I suppose I should wear it. I also wonder if it's okay to use to describe the condition of my ankles and feet at the end of a sedentary day?

Imagined conversation fragment

"That doesn't matter. Only my fidelity matters."

When you feel . . .

. . . that everyone who doesn't explicitly affirm you in some area of your life is your enemy, you should reexamine your assumptions . . .

Today's word

irrupt /ih-RUPT / - 1. to rush in forcibly or violently 2. (of a natural population) to undergo a sudden upsurge in numbers especially when natural ecological balances and checks are disturbed 3. to become active or violent especially suddenly : erupt

This is a new one for me. Don't imagine I'll ever use the third sense of it. 

Restful weekend

No work. Three naps. I suppose the only way I could have been better rested is if I had also gotten full night's sleep Friday and Saturday nights. But after the last couple weeks and weekends, I'll take it.

This is ridiculous

I'm working entirely too many hours. 😠

Sunday: 8
Monday: "only" 9, but then very early Tuesday morning
Tuesday: 14
Wednesday: 5 so far, and at least 5 more to go 

And there were a bunch extra last week, too, including a 16-hour day/night.

This is not healthy.

Updated lunch time Wednesday.

Realization

I was 37 years old before I was emotionally healthy enough to make effective decisions about relationships.

By then I'd been married for 17 years.

It's worked out pretty well anyway.

Shades of Grey's

My wife (and daughter) are off to Millington, just north of Memphis, for her uncle's 95th birthday on Sunday. Her dad's brother is a Pearl Harbor survivor, and I really wanted to go with them to celebrate his birthday, too, but am in the middle of a proposal cycle at work which came fast on the heels of other proposal and white paper work, so I couldn't take the time off, especially the two days that my wife insisted on having for the trip. I get that she needed to take four days, for multiple reasons. Mainly, she's not up for that long drive twice in three days anymore. That isn't what has me feeling so discouraged.

Mostly, it's just "SSDY" with the television - same shit, different year (as opposed to the standard "different day").

As is our custom, I kissed her when I got home from work last night. I then told her that I wasn't attending my scheduled (optional) meeting because I wanted us to have the time together. Monday and Tuesday night I was up until midnight working on a proposal, so even though special choir and prayer group were cancelled those two nights and I was home, it isn't as if we'd had any time together. Then Wednesday night choir was followed by an outing at the local watering hole, so we again didn't have any time to hang out as a couple. (And to make matters worse, we had a bit of a conversation hog between us and most of our favorite people, so that wasn't very enjoyable for either of us, either.) It was important to me that we have some time together last night before she left today for the weekend, so I made this a higher priority than my other options for the evening, even though I value that ministry very highly.

Instead, as my wife headed out the door with our daughter Melissa to buy groceries for her trip, she let me know that she'd be home soon . . . because she didn't want to miss Grey's Anatomy. She knows I can't stand to be in the same room with this show. I knew that an early bedtime needed to follow for both of us, so that she'd be well rested for the drive and I could start recovering from the insane work week.

I know, it isn't really any big deal. It is just the ongoing story of our life together. But there seems to be something on every night of the week that she insists on watching. I am tired of feeling alone.

(I have told her this on multiple occasions. I am done with trying, and I am tired of living with it.)