Well, that got worse before it got better

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were a flurry. We were actually glad, though, when our dinner for 4 expanded to dinner for 12. First, our oldest grandson and his girlfriend said they'd join us. Then, on Christmas Eve after the grocery stores were closed, our youngest asked if it was too late for her crew to join us, too, for dinner, after all. Good thing I'd bought a way bigger ham than we needed.

I'd convinced myself that it would be okay to support the evening Mass in addition to Midnight and Christmas morning. Fortunately, we used the parish's normal Christmas schedule rather than our normal Sunday schedule. But even so, I really could have used that extra three hours. Maybe then I wouldn't have been par-baking pie crusts at 3:15 Christmas morning, or trying to cook and help with wrapping at the same time on Christmas Day.

Dinner ended up being very nice; there was nothing fancy, yet everything was good; well, the mashed potatoes were a little dry, since we ate about 90 minutes later than scheduled, which was about 75 minutes after everything was ready. It also included a very nice uncured ham that I was able to pick up on sale at Whole Foods when I went for my bulk spices (cinnamon sticks, cured allspice, fresh whole cloves), carrots with a cream sherry and honey glaze, and some canned green beans that our middle daughter and her husband contributed along with half the potatoes to round out enough food for the extra folks. Oh, and my daughter and I were the only partakers of the absolutely delicious cabernet-blueberry cranberry sauce. I screwed up the pie crusts something awful, but the pies were still yummy despite them.

After opening gifts, the anticipated altercation occurred, at least in part because it was anticipated, and two people left mad. Apparently one of the kids left a candy cane lying around, and our dog got it. Amid the already-hubbub of grandchildren excited about gifts, our middle daughter's husband raised his voice to call someone's attention to the situation, our youngest daughter took offense at his raised voice, our son-in-law and middle daughter took offense at her offense and left. Ugh. I may henceforth refer to this as The Catastrophic, Calamitous outCome of the Canine Candy Cane Caper^©.

These adults judge each other too harshly. They have too much a sense of superiority.

I taught them well, apparently, the part of myself that most needs to die.

A physical/emotional response

I just noticed a strange and revelatory response I had (have, I'm pretty sure; it felt familiar) to a frequent thought. I was setting aside a temptation to engage in an impure thought process that leads me to sin, partly because I just received prayer for this area last night in preparation for this weekend's Unbound seminar. It was the most subtly sublime moment of grace-filled, Spirit-driven self revelation, concerning a physio-emotional response that I have to temptation. As I decided to not engage in this thought process, I felt the muscles at the base of my skull contract, and I noticed that I thought of why I don't want to engage in that thought process right now, as if I was reserving it to return to at a later time.

As I say, this felt familiar, and I considered other recent times that I have felt this physical sensation. It turns out that it has never been so much a rejection as a postponement of my tempting thoughts, and it is a reason I have not been able to persevere in purity in this area. I then considered when else I have felt like this: it also turns out that this response was seared into me when I was being sexually abused. It is directly related to my resignation to my physical inability to ever force my way past my stepfather to escape from the room when I was a teenager. It became part of the inevitability of my submission to him sexually, and subsequently of my submission to sexual impurity in general.

Wow. This is exactly the sort of red flag I should have learned about in one of my rounds of therapy. It's a question I would now ask of anyone who shared that they struggle in a given area: go back to the beginning of the latest incident, and let's go through how your body physically responded before you realized you were responding. Then: when is the earliest time you remember feeling that way?

I'm not going to assume that the battle is over now. But I understand something about it that I never did before, a physical and emotional and thought process that ties in with the spiritual aspect that I've tried to invoke previously. Perhaps, now that I have all four pieces, I can have lasting victory in this area.

The real problem

. . . is probably not that neither alternative (yeah, I'm going to be vague here; sorry) seems like something I want to live with. After all, I'm never again going to try to live with being a lesser man than I'm called and enabled to be, so that isn't even an option. My past failings are hard enough to live with, as they should be; I'm not going to pile onto them.

Nor is it probably even that my faith is insufficient to instill within me the trust which I need to not waver along the path to which I am clearly called.

In Death on a Friday Afternoon - which it has been entirely too long since I have reread - Fr. Neuhaus tells me that my eyes are focused the wrong place: I need to stop lamenting the circumstances of my life or the insufficiency of my faith, and focus instead on the sufficiency of my Savior.

He says to me as to St. Paul, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Cor 12:9)

Despair is knocking

In the cold blackness of your silence
i wonder if at last i've found
Another who agrees with 

my opinion of myself?
It's been so very long
since i have lain curled here
where hope and healing dare not tread
and no One comes to redeem
an undeserving worm.

i hope that you're just busy
but if my recent words
and abusive distant past
have driven you away
i understand completely

and am so very sorry
that i have hurt you, too.

Feeling like my namesake

Mass was pretty hard yesterday.

We'd had a rough night with our youngest grandson, who didn't want to do what he was supposed to do Saturday when it came to taking a time-out, not kicking his older sister in the stomach (hard), laying down at bed time, etc. We were exhausted.

It seemed at first as if Sunday morning was going better. He didn't get up well, but got moving well, went to RE agreeably. But when he got to Mass he didn't want to participate at all, including (especially) observing posture. I kind of expect that from a five- or six-year-old, but he's eight, and is supposed to be receiving first Communion in three weeks. He wouldn't listen to g-ma, again wouldn't respond appropriately to time-out. Oh, mom was supposed to be there, but bailed out - to no one's surprise, least of all her children's. Our grandson then tried to apologize when he realized that his behavior wasn't going to be rewarded with a doughnut, and got upset when that strategy failed. He tried to ask his aunt if he could have one, and since she wasn't aware that g-ma had restricted him from them, g-ma had to overrule the permission she had given him.

Okay, that has gotten me well past Mass. I didn't get to hear Fr. Dave's homily. The sound carries into the Holy Family chapel, but it's garbled, and I could only hear a little of it. I felt like I wasn't even attending Mass. I almost didn't receive Eucharist, I felt so disconnected from the community and from my faith. Of course we had to take the grandchildren home, which we'd tried to tell their mom the night before that we didn't have time to do, but had been cut off by her empty assurance that she was planning to come to Mass anyway.

Empty holder

I could understand this way better when there were five other people living in the house.

But the grandchildren were over yesterday, so maybe this was the doing of a child. I'm going to assume as much.

Even if it wasn't, it is way more important for me to not reinforce decades-long patterns of judgment than it is to dwell on this. That particular habit of judgment is so ingrained, though, and it is general, not just geared toward an individual.

At least whoever it was didn't leave anyone stranded.

Conforming (phase 2), Jesus Teaches the Way - Arriving to a Decision (cont.)(step17), session 5

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?" - Mt 6: 25

Often Jesus' instruction to us to not be anxious merely serves as something else about which we are anxious. On the other side - it still seems like there are opposing ways to go wrong - nd in a world in which we have put such a premium on providing for ourselves - er, letting God provide for us - both today and for the future solely via our industriousness and our prudence, they can seem like utter foolishness. Depending on others in any way is anathema to us.

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day." - Mt 6:34

Today I have been drawn to the first and last verses of the passage for his session. This section seems to further develop an important idea that Jesus included when teaching us to pray (as covered in session 4, though I didn't reflect on this verse because I was drawn elsewhere), which was itself rooted in the experience of the Israelites in the desert: Give us this day our daily bread (Mt 6:11). God very carefully taught his chosen people - and teaches us through their experience - that he will indeed provide for our needs on a daily basis. Here Jesus is perhaps speaking to those of us who carefully store up for our future without providing anything for those who are going hungry today. 

There is another element to God's providence that I think we overlook, that we discussed at our men's group last week, as well. We can always rely on God to do his part - even if that often happens in ways that diverge from what we think his part should be - and this should provide us with the confidence we need to obey what he tells us to do. We often choose to provide for ourselves in ways which are clearly not God's plan/dream for us, because we don't see how God will provide for us, and in the process we interfere with God's perfect providence for both the immediate issue and our long-term needs. 

Conforming (phase 2), Jesus Teaches the Way - Arriving to a Decision (cont.)(step17), session 3

The scripture passages for today's session consists of several verses from the next chapter of the Sermon on the Mount, Mt 6:3-5, 19-21, and 24. Unlike the previous session, most of the intervening verses aren't skipped entirely but are included in subsequent sessions, so I don't feel as if I need to fill in any of that valuable content now. I am beginning with verse 1, though, rather than verse 3, as these first two verses provide context and are not covered in other sessions.

Beware of practicing your piety before men in order to be seen by them; for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. - Mt 6: 1

If I were a better follower of Christ, this would be the chief reason I don't post links to my blog posts more often on FB. Instead it's more a matter of being careful how much of myself I put in the face of everyone who knows me. There are parts of my makeup and my past - more than just that chief thing, really - that I worry about being judged for, and I'm still trying to follow Fr. Matthew Kelty's advice to me to not burden most people with what they would take on as an obligation to forgive me for who I am and the things I have done.

It would be better if my reason for not sharing links to my blog on FB would be more in line with Jesus' admonition here. Part of me still wants to be special, to have some insight from the Holy Spirit that helps others have a deeper relationship with God, as if such any such insight would be of me instead of from God. This would validate my existence, right?

But when you give alms, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, - Mt 6: 3

I'm reminded of one of the first phrases from the wonderful Litany of Humility: From the desire to be esteemed, deliver me, Jesus. We so long to be thought well of. I think this is part of the "comparative identity" that Fr. Spitzer spoke of with such insight: we draw so much of our self-image in comparison with others, and having others think well of us validates our judgment. God is calling us to a different approach, and we need to be careful not to allow this to become a variation on the other one, something like saying to ourselves, "Oh, look what good I am doing in secret!" 

(I believe my Lenten journey would be well served by praying this Litany daily. It's pretty clear that the concern I mentioned after quoting Mt 6: 1 above is an example of the desire of being approved.)

But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust consumes and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. - Mt 6: 20-21

It can be such a challenge for us to allow God himself to be our treasure, yet he is a treasure that can never be exhausted, and his love infinitely exceeds those we chase after in its stead.

No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. - Mt 6: 24a

Jesus may be primarily referring to material wealth and possessions, since he specifically refers to mammon later in the verse.  But this maxim is true of whatever our other master might be, including (but not limited to) comfort, power, pleasure, fitness, novelty and thrills. We will invariably resent God for keeping us from these things which we mistake as being desirable, when the truth is that we cannot receive all that God desires for us if we serve whatever our other master may be.

Conflicts, theirs and ours

Okay, I know that it can be hard to recognize or understand the narcissistic abuse that underlies our son-in-law's seemingly righteous indignation. But really, there was no need for mom to attend a wrestling meet - even a major one - on dad's weekend when a) there's a meet every weekend, and b) she had legitimate plans on that day to do something that needed to be done - in this case moving out, which you very well understand needed to be taken care of on dad's weekend. And we ought not think for a moment that their oldest daughter's anger at her mother the next morning over this incident was anything less than a reflection of dad's complaining to the kids about their mom, trying to convince them that she doesn't love them enough to put them first. So stop taking his side. Sometimes he's right, but even when he is he's still ultimately just being controlling. He probably doesn't even realize he's doing it.

On a different topic: don't go shouting hallelujahs when your phone rings at 5 a.m. with a notification that the school is on a delay, because it finally worked. For starters, you don't freaking need to know that anymore. Secondly, I thought we'd already agreed that my need to sleep at that hour outweighs your need to not have to go to all. the. trouble. of checking a website when you wake up.

You don't work for a living; you can sleep in as late as you want after being awakened at 5 o'clock in the morning. I've never had that luxury.  If you want to keep getting those calls, let me know and I'll start sleeping in another room. You just decide which is more important to you and let me know.

And no, I'm not going to assume you're going to see this here. I will be sure to discuss it with you in person, and will try to be less snarky about it when I do.

Conforming (phase 2), Three Types of Attitude toward Possessions (step13), session 3

The first couple is convinced that they should give away the money in order to be free of it, but they never do it actually. They have the mistaken concept that holiness equals radical renounce(ment) but they cannot do it and in consequence they live with a sense of guilt because of the attachment. This couple honestly would like to love God, but their underlying attitude is fear (of) him; they are afraid of a demanding God and find the heights of sanctity too frightening. They live and die remaining in the same situation without resolving the problem and really answering God’s call to them.

The second couple decides beforehand that they should keep the money and use it for good, for example investing it and from the profit regularly give to the poor. They desire to be free of the attachment to the money but in the same time also want to keep it, convinced that they know how to use it for the greater glory of God and how to "save their souls." Also this couple remains in their attachment which they don’t recognize either, they decide without discernment with an attitude of bargaining and a sort of pretense.

The third couple too wants to be free of attachments, but they do not decide immediately either to get rid of the money (or) to keep it. They don’t act without discernment, without seeing how this sum integrates in their life and relationship with God. Their attitude is the abandonment and openness toward God, a childlike trust in him as they try to understand for what he inspires them and what is the better for them. When Jesus in the gospels tells the disciples to become like children, he calls to this attitude of trust and dependence on God: "Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven." (Mt 18:3) . . .  - Step by Step Retreats, step 13

Continuing my focus on non-monetary application from my previous two sessions:

I have attempted both of the first two approaches. In the first decade of our marriage, I was more like the second couple. I was determined to cling to what I knew I needed regardless of the impact it had on my bride and our relationship. If she had a problem with one of my friendships, I considered it "her problem." This created an adversarial relationship between us that tended to both separate me emotionally from my bride and draw me closer to my friend in emotionally unhealthy ways. My refusal to truly trust God to provide for my needs resulted in my determination to provide for them according to my own understanding.

Later I became more like the first couple. Understanding the pitfalls of my previous approach, I became unwilling to enter any friendship with the slightest potential for me to misuse it in that way. There were, of course (well, it's "of course" to people who know me well) good reasons why I overcompensated in this way. Perhaps God has used this period to provide enough distance from the earlier one to break a habit that I might have tended to fall back into. The thing is, when I finally reached the point of being able to find something more like the middle ground, I still had to break some of the old habits.

I think I'm still only beginning to see how to take each friendship as it comes, accepting in each case God's guidance over how to conduct it, being truly sensitive to my bride's needs as well as my own and my friend's, and above all seeking to truly honor and glorify God as I trust him in the conduct of my life. But my remaining attachment to the perceived needs that I am trying to have met, by insistence to God that he isn't providing for me in some way, is a clear indicator that I still have a long way to grow.

I think that, if we were journeying through the exercises together, my wife and I would probably need to focus as much on the financial aspect of this step as we would on the relational one.

To include the obvious conclusion of this step's meditation:

From this point of view, only the third couple goes through a transformation of their desire and reaches freedom from their attachment, while the first two did not change at all or only (temporized) about it. The dynamics of this therapeutic transformation of attitudes can be applied also to the struggles of addicted or neurotic persons with their problems. - ibid.

And I suppose this last sentence probably describes me more accurately than I would like to think.

Conforming (phase 2), The Value System of Jesus Christ - A Summary (step 12), session 3

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.

O, Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.
- Prayer widely and erroneously attributed to St. Francis of Assisi

How appropriate that the Exercises would bring me this in my meditation to close this step on a day in which my apparently soon-to-be-former son-in-law completely and publicly bashed his wife on Facebook. It was a strange morning, in fact, as first I saw a text which she accidentally sent to me last night instead of him. She did a remarkably good job of being peaceable in the face of a truly hateful post, but then, perhaps she was really just replying to another text from him instead. At any rate, she had accused the person she had sent it to of being full of anger, and at first I thought that had been a response to my request that she put her oldest in bed rather than letting her sleep on the love seat all night. I replied that I had not been at all angry, then realized what had probably happened.

After that I saw his brief, profanity-punctuated rant, in which he publicly called out my daughter for an inappropriate relationship to which she has turned in the months of their estrangement, and the other guy as well.

I drafted and posted a comment, one that I remain convinced was appropriate and even, rooted in genuine concern and love for him. I then removed it at my wife's request. But I'm pleased that I could express the truth without animosity or judgment, but rather with a desire to be an instrument of peace for all concerned.

This will conclude the step 12 sessions. I'm a bit concerned that step 13 might have the potential to further foment an existing disharmony that my wife and I may have with regard to wealth and possessions.

Conforming (phase 2), The Value System of Jesus Christ - A Summary (step 12), session 2

The value system of Jesus is based on the trust in God and on the belief in the goodness of life independently of the adversities.  - Step by Step Retreats, step 12

Oh, how I struggle of late with the second part of this. I feel consumed by the adversities. Even though I believe that God is using them to teach me the depth of his love, it feels as if they are eating away all my joy.

It's weird. I seem to have this gift for trusting God with my life at the same time that I struggle to always fully believe in him. Perhaps this is simply a matter of God being greater than my faith in him, which of course he would have to be.

Heartache

I think that nothing brings us more in touch with God's love than to see our children give themselves over to terrible decisions.

*Sigh*

Just when you think you're already being walked all over in every way she has in her, she comes up with a new one.

When school let out for Christmas break, her son came home with a personal timeline project with a due date of tomorrow. Since that time we have been reminding him - and more to the point for this rant, his mom - that this project was coming up. She at least bought his poster board (er, I dunno for sure: maybe grandma did this). Friday night the kids cut it in half, as Hannah is going to need half of it for a similar project, and that's the appropriate shape for them to work with anyway.

Last night mom allowed her son to go over to a friend's house, with the understanding that he had to come home "early" to work on his project. At lunch time, she told me she was getting him "soon." A little while after I came back from lunch, grandma informed me that mom has to work today, as the restaurant is open on a rare Monday to accommodate Restaurant Week.

Needless to say, in spite of four full weeks of trying to keep her from doing so, mom has dumped the grandson's project on us to help him do.  Literally, the only thing that is done so far is the cutting of the poster board, and his mom didn't help him with that, either.

I'm really not at all upset about helping my grandson with this project; I think it will be a good opportunity for us to work together and maybe teach a side lesson about managing projects, too. But I'm so disappointed that my daughter has missed out on another opportunity to be the mom she dreams of being and the considerate daughter we need her to be.

The Two Standards, part 2

Weekends with the kids and urgent household projects allow no time for reflection. So "the hurrier I go, the behinder I get."

Jesus calls first of all for a basic and indestructible trust in God and to believe in the goodness of life notwithstanding any adversity. The trust in God who is a real Father is the source of a freedom from the fear of loss of material and other goods . . . (ref: Mt 6, 25-34) - The Two Standards meditation, 143-146. Second Part: The Standard of Christ, the Way of Trust, Hope, and Life

Yes, I should be emulating the birds and the lilies more, and rejecting anxiousness. Of late I sometimes think that these other created things have more faith than I do. Those around me are noticing that I seem bereft of joy. They don't know the whole reason, though. It is not merely the extra burden placed upon us, which we accept with open hearts full of love for our daughter and grandchildren. I find that the things that have been said to me of late have undermined my primary earthly relationship more than I should allow them to do. I need to remember that if any thing is missing from my life, it is because I do not truly need it, for God provides for my every need. But that means believing in God more substantially than I find that I am able to do right now.

“The exhortation ‘Be not afraid!’ should be interpreted as having a very broad meaning. In a certain sense it was an exhortation addressed to all people, an exhortation to conquer fear in the present world situation, as much in the East as in the West, as much in the North as in the South. Have no fear of that which you yourselves have created, have no fear of all that man has produced, and that every day is becoming more dangerous for him! Finally, have no fear of yourselves!” - John Paul II, Crossing the Threshold of Hope, as quoted in The Two Standards meditation, 143-146. Second Part: The Standard of Christ, the Way of Trust, Hope, and Life

I know there should be peace in this for me . . .

"One can be very proud in a shabby suit! These false forms are worlds apart from the poverty and humility Ignatius describes as the characteristics of the standard of Christ” - Rahner, “Spiritual Exercises,” p.178, as quoted in The Two Standards meditation, 143-146. Second Part: The Standard of Christ, the Way of Trust, Hope, and Life

I wonder if this is the unrecognized story of my life and the root of my dissatisfaction.  All I seem to know for certain is that the diversions which I might have tended to seek out in my younger foolishness are certainly only a road to further unhappiness. I think I should be thanking God for the good sense (could it actually be "wisdom"?) to not seek things which would only make me miserable by moving me further from him, which would only make me less the person he has made and is calling me to be.

I don't know if this is exactly a case of choosing the second standard, but I know that the alternative would definitely be choosing the first one.

The Two Standards, part 1

When Jesus answers to Satan, “One does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of God”, (Lk 4:4 and Mt 4:4, cf. Dt 8:3) it means that he chose to renounce the immediate gratification in order to follow what God’s will was for him. - The Two Standards meditation, 140-142. First Part: The Standard of Satan, the “values” he uses to deceive and seduce all of us

I am not so good at making this choice consistently. I do it pretty well for the bigger things, but there are areas of purity that I miss out on because I indulge in immediately gratifying thoughts instead.

The second temptation of Jesus is to let the power principle dominate his life. The search for power, personal prestige and status, the exploitation of others in order to gain these, and the allure of “honor” is so much widespread phenomenon that Alfred Adler in his “individual psychology” asserted it as the basic drive in life. Although a certain level of self-esteem is necessary for a healthy psyche, the temptation of the power drive misleads us to seek status and honor directly, and the price to pay for it is in destroyed relationships, falsity and deceit. - ibid.

There can be a tricky balance between setting appropriate boundaries for ourselves and trying to exercise power over the lives of others. Sometimes the people around us can feel that we are imposing boundaries or values on them when we are really only setting them for ourselves. It's an important distinction. To keep from being taken advantage of in an unhealthy way, I must sometimes prevent another from taking unhealthy advantage of me. That can feel to them as if I am trying to make a decision for them that they do not wish to make for themselves, when in truth I am truly only making a decision about what is healthy for me. It is important, when we are on the other side of such a decision, not to allow our own wishes to outweigh our respect for the other person by acting in a dishonest way in order to coerce a decision in line with our own wishes. This is especially hard when we feel that we need our lives to be different from how they actually are.

Viktor Frankl pointed out many times that there are several things, like joy and happiness that cannot be willed directly but should come as a by-product of one’s deeds. As the pursuit of happiness does not lead to its fulfillment so is it with the power drive. - ibid.

I've been thinking about this lately. In fact, I have long been convinced that the single greatest obstacle to finding happiness is to pursue it directly. Matthew Kelly propounds that we maximize our happiness by becoming the best version of ourselves, by making physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy choices rather than pursuing happiness for its own sake.

The third temptation of Jesus as Robert C. Leslie points out is to escape from personal responsibility, which is a manifestation of self-sufficiency and pride. Harder to recognize than the other two this temptation is permeating our culture on personal and societal level. It works through the dominance of psychological and sociological determinism. We can excuse our behavior endlessly by past traumas and by what others did or did not. - ibid.

There is so much in these few sentences. First of all, I'm pretty sure that I've never thought of the third temptation quite in these terms, but this makes perfect sense. Jesus is tempted to escape the consequences of a personal decision. The one thing that I am pleased about concerning my initial experience with therapy is that, while I needed to learn the effect that my childhood abuse had on my adulthood decision making, I recognized from the beginning that I was responsible for my choices. No matter how many men may have sexually abused me when I was a kid, I knew that I was responsible for my own adult actions. But this temptation remains so very present in how we respond to stimuli around us, as it is so easy to feel that we have been provoked into our choices.

In reality the future does not depend so much on past experiences as on our conscious decisions in the present. - ibid.

Yes!! Now, it is true that our past may have trained us to make decisions in a way that does not maximize our future growth, but we have the power to recognize that and learn to make our decisions in a different way. But let's say, for instance, that I recognize that I have a tendency to try to fix things for those around me. It does no good to recognize that trait in myself unless I recognize when I am doing that at the expense of others.

Responsibility is an indelible characteristic of human existence and it means that we ought to give a response or an answer for our acts in front of our conscience. In religious terms, we are created beings and we are not self-sufficient but our life is constant gift from God whose creative love we respond to with our existence, choices and acts. - ibid.

Yes, all of our life is our response to God's creative love, in one way or another. I must choose to respond in ways that draw me more deeply into that love, believing that God's plan for my life is more trustworthy than my own wishes, which are subtly tainted by the influence of the standard of Satan in my life and on the world around me.

Okay I haven't even started looking at the reflection on Jesus' standard, but there is just so much in here! The really should have made this initial meditation part of a longer step; one week was just not enough to cover this along with six individual session readings. On the other hand, they do revisit it twice in short order.

Conforming (phase 2), The "Hidden Life" and the Value System of Jesus Christ (step 10), session 6

The Two Ways in Jesus’ Teaching

"Enter by the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is easy, that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard, that leads to life, and those who find it are few. - Mt 7:13-14

Hmm.  Contrast that with this:

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." - Mt 11, 28-30 (same book-level hyperlink)

Both are contrasts between two ways. I think the second choice is dependent upon the first one, though. I don't see how we can come to Jesus for rest if we have not chosen the hard way that leads to life.

Last night as I lay in bed before nodding off, I was feeling resentful of being there alone, again, while my bride watched another television show, again. Still, I tried to take it on as a loving act to lie on her side of the bed so that it would be warm for her.  I must not have done a very job of putting my heart into that, though, as when she came to bed some time after I had fallen asleep and raised the covers to climb between the sheets, I snapped at her for "freezing me out." I almost immediately apologized profusely, but she was in tears over it.  I think if I had taken on this favor with more of the heart of Jesus, perhaps I wouldn't have been as prone to snap at her when I was awakened by the chill of the air.

It would easy for me to excuse myself because of the years and years of going to bed alone on so many nights, and the sadness and loneliness that has engendered in my heart. And it would maybe be easier had I not told her often how much I hate this to no avail. But I should instead focus on walking in Christ's love, sharing my heart openly with her and taking on any outwardly kind act without resentment.

Now that I've told her that I shared her wish that I would die in my sleep, and since we've begun counseling together, I need to start breaking my habit of hiding my heart from her.

I'm now finished with step 10, nearly two weeks behind schedule. The next couple of steps are each allotted a week, but they are mainly focused on reiterations of the Two Standards meditation that I didn't really fully enter into, which was supposed to be part of this step. This will give me a chance to revisit this meditation and may also allow me to make up some time on the retreat calendar. 

I'm concerned about step 13 being another potential divider.

Nazareth had it right . . .

. . . with the title of their biggest hit

It hurt when you told me that you'd wished, the previous evening, that I would die in my sleep.

It hurt when you told me, yesterday, that you were ready to walk out.

It hurts when you won't say that you love me, too.

If I left those three statements by themselves, anyone who didn't know you would conclude that you don't love me, that it's just a matter of (not much) time before I have to figure out how to live without you, that I would be well served to start circling the wagons. But I know the circumstances, the frustration you're feeling, because I'm with you in the midst of them. I see how the people you're reaching out to are those who love us, who will encourage and help you to tend us, too.

I love you, and I still trust you, trust in your love for me and in God's love for me through you.

So I've stopped saying it so often, only because I don't want it to be a pressure on you or a reflex for you to just respond to, not because it is any less true.

While they may have had the title right, they reached the wrong conclusion in the end.

My heart is still in your hands.

Conforming (phase 2), The "Hidden Life" and the Value System of Jesus Christ (step 10), session 5

The Way of Life and the Way of Death

The actual assigned reading for this session only includes verses 15 and 19 below, but I think the rest is also illuminative:

¹⁵"See, I have set before you this day life and good, death and evil.

¹⁶If you obey the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you this day, by loving the LORD your God, by walking in his ways, and by keeping his commandments and his statutes and his ordinances, then you shall live and multiply, and the LORD your God will bless you in the land which you are entering to take possession of it. ¹⁷But if your heart turns away, and you will not hear, but are drawn away to worship other gods and serve them, ¹⁸I declare to you this day, that you shall perish; you shall not live long in the land which you are going over the Jordan to enter and possess. ¹⁹I call heaven and earth to witness against you this day, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live, ²⁰loving the LORD your God, obeying his voice, and cleaving to him; for that means life to you and length of days, that you may dwell in the land which the LORD swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them." - Dt 30, 15-20

I just keep trying to choose Christ, trying to love even in the face of the threat that I will not be loved in return.

It's pretty much all I can do. I don't know any other Way.