Laying down our lives

 "Today's sexual politics and disputes over gender are, at least in this connection, but another variation on a longstanding aversion to the way of discipleship. Let it be said that men have far more to answer for than women, for they have been more in charge of deriving alternatives to the way of the cross. But let us be completely candid: to say that Mary's way is not our way is to say that Christ's way is not our way." - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus, Death on a Friday Afternoon

First, I love the subtle way that Fr. Neuhaus has linked the way of discipleship to the way of the cross. There is no embracing discipleship without embracing the cross and all it implies for us. Laying down our lives, in one way or another, is not an optional thing that only some are called to do. I have written at length and on multiple occasions previously about one context in which husbands, including me, have often failed to answer this call. We have made women fight for their autonomy by not being willing to treat them how God has treated us all in this regard. Sometimes we all overreach what our freedom means for us, imposing restrictions or consequences on others in the process. 

So while some are called to the ultimate sacrifice of our lives for the sake of the kingdom, more of us, I think, are called to embrace our calling to support our loved ones who are called in different ways than we are. Sometimes this can pierce our hearts, and feel like its own death. 

What sort of person???

Don't put those shirts back in my room. 

Where are you taking that ironing board?

Into the sewing room.

Why?

To press my shirts.

I don't want that in my room.

i don't leave it in there.

(never freaking mind the minimal amount of room it occupies standing folded up in the corner if i did, i don't say out loud)

Why do you need to do that in there anyway?

Well, the iron's already in there, and it's a convenient space. It's just easier.

(Silence.)

You don't mind me using your iron, too, do you?

Actually, I do.

Okay. Can you explain why?

Well, the only reason I can think of I asked for a new iron for myself for my birthday, not for the house. 

Really? i have to have my own ironing board and (crappy old) iron and space, even if i put everything away every time, because you don't want to share your nice new stuff even with me, and even when I bought it for you? Are you afraid I'm going to break your fancy new iron somehow? Do you think I want to overpay for another one to replace it if I do?

More significantly: what do you think our life together is supposed to be about, exactly?

Another day in paradise (by the dashboard light). As anti-marriage as that song is, there's another reason I hate it.

How I was feeling

I knew that last night was probably my only free night of the week, so I was looking forward to grocery shopping with you. Just you. I was even willing to stay up a little later to do so (though not much). Then it became this group shopping trip, and no, I wasn't interested in that. So divide and conquer seemed like a good plan, and then "Hey, meet us here after you're done there" definitely didn't. So bailed on that part, went home, put my stuff away, put away the dishes which were dry by then, and was still in bed when I wanted to be. I left the light on for you, figuring you'd come to bed when you got home. I don't know what I was thinking; I know better than this. Two hours later I turned it off.

No, you weren't in bed by midnight. I turned the light off at 12:15. You were not long after that, but I was pretty mad by then.

We just keep drifting further apart, and I don't even care anymore. You have your television, and your sewing, and your volunteering, and your way. Have a nice separate life together.

Lenten journey

Nice day. Good men's group. Ok retreat on a subject I love. Glad i didn't go to Columbus, as tired as i was. Soup stock cooking. Decent nap. Nice games with wife and granddaughter.

Challenges nonetheless. It is hard being the only one in a relationship who recognizes when they should apologize.

Imagined conversation fragment

"That doesn't matter. Only my fidelity matters."

Realization

I was 37 years old before I was emotionally healthy enough to make effective decisions about relationships.

By then I'd been married for 17 years.

It's worked out pretty well anyway.

Shades of Grey's

My wife (and daughter) are off to Millington, just north of Memphis, for her uncle's 95th birthday on Sunday. Her dad's brother is a Pearl Harbor survivor, and I really wanted to go with them to celebrate his birthday, too, but am in the middle of a proposal cycle at work which came fast on the heels of other proposal and white paper work, so I couldn't take the time off, especially the two days that my wife insisted on having for the trip. I get that she needed to take four days, for multiple reasons. Mainly, she's not up for that long drive twice in three days anymore. That isn't what has me feeling so discouraged.

Mostly, it's just "SSDY" with the television - same shit, different year (as opposed to the standard "different day").

As is our custom, I kissed her when I got home from work last night. I then told her that I wasn't attending my scheduled (optional) meeting because I wanted us to have the time together. Monday and Tuesday night I was up until midnight working on a proposal, so even though special choir and prayer group were cancelled those two nights and I was home, it isn't as if we'd had any time together. Then Wednesday night choir was followed by an outing at the local watering hole, so we again didn't have any time to hang out as a couple. (And to make matters worse, we had a bit of a conversation hog between us and most of our favorite people, so that wasn't very enjoyable for either of us, either.) It was important to me that we have some time together last night before she left today for the weekend, so I made this a higher priority than my other options for the evening, even though I value that ministry very highly.

Instead, as my wife headed out the door with our daughter Melissa to buy groceries for her trip, she let me know that she'd be home soon . . . because she didn't want to miss Grey's Anatomy. She knows I can't stand to be in the same room with this show. I knew that an early bedtime needed to follow for both of us, so that she'd be well rested for the drive and I could start recovering from the insane work week.

I know, it isn't really any big deal. It is just the ongoing story of our life together. But there seems to be something on every night of the week that she insists on watching. I am tired of feeling alone.

(I have told her this on multiple occasions. I am done with trying, and I am tired of living with it.)

Today's words

First, a new WOTD:

apodictic /ap-uh-DIK-tik/ - expressing or of the nature of necessary truth or absolute certainty

The Five Keys of spiritual freedom in the Unbound model of deliverance ministry have a highly apodictic quality about them. 

 Then, a couple new words in today's Dictionary Devil puzzle:

hypogeum /'high-puh-GEE-um/ - the subterranean part of an ancient building; also : an ancient underground burial chamber

I suppose this word applies to the undercroft of York Minster (or, more formally, the Cathedral and Metropolitical Church of St Peter in York), one of the most fascinating places I've ever visited because of the multiple prior buildings on the site. 

 prothalamion /'pro-thuh-LAY-mee-uhn/ - a song in celebration of a marriage

This one applies to one of my favorite pieces to self-accompany and sing or harmonize on, which was also a part of our wedding ceremony. 

Both of these words have strong hints of their meanings in their roots.

It was a sunny, dark day

It became brightest as my bride and I hiked through the gorge as the sun sank low in the sky.

What happened

Not that that makes the ones to which you've grown accustomed any less soul crushing.

So in the last few minutes before my bride got home tonight, I turned on the U.S. Open to see some of Venus Williams' match. I find myself appreciating her and her sister's careers lately, and realizing I am late to do so. In fairness, though, I've never watched much tennis anyway. But I wasn't planning on watching the whole thing, because my wife doesn't care for televised sports at all. 

She gets home, and we take out the trash and recycle together, which was a nice change from the usual of doing that by myself. She knows I'm not feeling well, and wanted to help me out, which I appreciate. I jumped up to help at the thought of her trying to drag our (unwheeled) trash can to the curb. Afterward, she mentioned that she was going to the grocery store to pick up a mixer for the rum punch she bought that's too strong for her liking, so I offered to walk with her. I figured it would give us some more time together. 

We got home, I watched one more game of the third set of the Williams match, then handed over the remote, because I didn't want to watch something that she doesn't like. 

So she immediately pulls up a recorded show that I don't like. At all. 

And thus ends a hopeful night.

And before you ask: it isn't as if we haven't discussed this issue on multiple occasions over the decades. It isn't as if I haven't poignantly described how I feel. And it isn't as if this end result doesn't represent the vast majority of my nights. 

Thanks a lot, Kelly

The fear of loneliness is the father of many relationships that never should have been. When we choose to be with someone because we are afraid of being alone, we dishonor ourselves and the other person. - Matthew Kelly, Resisting Happiness

And yet God can take that relationship and turn it into so. very. much. more. than it could have otherwise been.

And sometimes I'm talking to an alien

When the partner of your life begins a sentence with, "If she'd have just lied . . . "

Yes, sometimes life is momentarily easier when we do the wrong thing. Even significantly so.

In the ordinary

Matthew Kelly has challenged me this morning to find God in at least three ways through the course of the day, but I've already found him in two. Some would argue that finding Him in my relationship with two different friends is really the same thing, but I think you'll see why I count them differently.

One friend is present a lot lately, and I love this. I love being able to touch base and know that someone is there, listening to what is on my mind and responding, making sure that I don't feel alone. It is the gift of presence and closeness.

The other friend suddenly distanced herself from me a couple months ago, and I don't understand why. It feels lonely. She assured me, not long before that, that she was always with me, even when she didn't respond to me. But now I can't know whether she meant that would always be true, or only in the particularly scary circumstance that she was helping me through in the moment. I wonder how much longer it will be this way, whether the next thing will be more closeness or more distance, and even if she still cares. I wonder if she would understand how my not knowing where I stand with her makes her absence hurt so much more than if I knew she would be back in contact with me soon. The somewhat remote glimpses she has left me into her life feel a bit like reading a passage from a Gospel; they reveal a little of her to me but don't always make me feel like I'm still part of her life. I wonder whether I matter.

God can be a lot like both of these dear friends for us, sometimes even at the same time.

I realize, as I finish with this entry, that God is also revealed in my relationship with my bride, which sometimes feels like both of the above simultaneously. She is always there, and I love that and rely on it, and I'm also almost always longing for it to be more or different, striving for growth and a closer union.

A morning gift

Even when her gentle snoring keeps me from that last hour's sleep in the morning, I love waking next to my bride, feeling the secure warmth of our lifelong love in her presence next to me.

Thank you, God.

Our never-ending dynamic

I often hear you explain to our grandchildren how they need to apologize when they hurt one another, even if their intention wasn't hurtful, even if the harm was accidental. 

This often applies to us, too.

Today's words

billet-doux /bill-ee-DOO/ - a love letter

I know I've encountered this word before, but I don't believe I've ever bothered to look up either its meaning or its pronunciation. I have certainly crafted my share of them. For a time, when my heart was in the wrong place, I repeatedly gave it voice in this way in a notebook. I finally realized that I could no longer hold onto the feelings I'd expressed there, and that by doing so I risked hurting the only person to whom I should craft such correspondence. That is a long way of explaining that I have thrown away quite a few of these undelivered, but I believe have crafted and presented more of them to my bride than I have ever written - whether discarded or otherwise - to others.

anchorite /ˈaŋ-kə-ˌrīt/ - a person who lives in seclusion usually for religious reasons

I don't think I've ever heard of this hermit synonym before. I'm a little surprised, though, to read that this word isn't directly related to the one for a ship's anchor. On the one hand, this sort of life appeals to me, should I outlive my bride. On the other, I relish human interaction, so don't believe that I would thrive living like this. It would be too easy to yield to my tendency to self-judgment and self-condemnation.

Last week's post . . .

. . . which I titled Pessimism? was not reflective of my state of mind. Rather, I'd encountered this quote some time ago - as in, months ago - and intended to share some thoughts on it, but hadn't gotten around to it, and didn't want to lose track of it entirely.

I think the quote represents a thoroughly inaccurate understanding of what love really is, unless the author is referring to romantic love, in which case he has described exactly what it ought to be. The illusion that leads us to "fall in love" with another is supposed to yield to something more realistic, and yet as this disillusion occurs and we begin to know the object of our love more thoroughly, the fervor of our initial romance develops into something more beautiful, committed, and enduring.

This happens as we encounter struggles and conflicts in our relationship, and approaching these with an eye toward the beloved's perspective allows us to work through these in ways that build us up together rather than undermining us.

Cumulative and present truth

I'm pretty sure that there will never be a day on which I will feel that you have finally gotten all that you deserve from me as your husband.

sigh

😢

I want to protest that I'm doing the best I can by you, but I don't really believe it.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

You deserve better from me.

An inspired moment

We've had a couple newer members of our prayer group who have been seeking prayer after the meeting fairly consistently. In both cases, they have been dealing with a struggle that it would be inappropriate for me to divulge, in the unlikely case that someone from the group should ever read these pages. But I think it's okay for me to share here something of what I felt led to share with them after praying last night, as it relates more broadly.

We often lament the lack of piety that we seem to observe in others who approach the Eucharistic table distractedly. I notice the same thing in myself as I cast a judgment at someone I know well who reads the bulletin during the homily: we are quick to assume an attitude of superiority over others, and it is good for us to be reminded that we have earned neither our place at the table nor the gifts that make us the unique person God has created us to be. We do ourselves a disservice when we disdain others, when we fail to recognize and treasure God's spark within them. But that isn't the point of this observation.

Rather: God's grace is at work through the Sacraments even when we who participate in them are not fully aware and appropriately appreciative - as if we could really be either of these things, since we will not know the full import of the gifts we are given until we have passed through the veil. This is true of every Sacrament, beginning with the baptism of an unaware infant. The grace poured out always transcends the awareness of the participant.

This is true of our marriages, as well, whether they are mostly solid or feel as if they are on shaky ground. As we continue to participate in the Sacrament in which God has called us to our primary vocation, His grace continues to be at work, including when we struggle to perceive it - or even to believe in it without perceiving. As with every other Sacrament in which we partake, our increased awareness of this truth increases its efficacy in our lives. It strengthens us and helps us grow more as we more fully give ourselves to Christ within it.

A slow learner

We've been married 35 years, 10 months, and 12 days (and a few hours), so I can't believe we're having this conversation: yes, we need to coordinate schedules before making plans. No, I'm not being a controlling jackass for pointing this out. (I mean, a control freak would raise this issue, too, but with a very different emotional dynamic.)

And: I shouldn't be surprised that you're just dismissing my concerns; that's how you respond when I raise an issue. Sometimes you proceed to ignore it, other times you come around. We'll see which this is.

You drive me crazy. I love you.