"Inadequate" faith

"Dysmas has faith smaller than a mustard seed, and it blossoms into a tree of eternal life, a tree of paradise. Christ's response to our faith is ever so much greater than our faith. Give him an opening, almost any opening, and he opens life to wonder beyond measure."

"When our faith is weak, when we are assailed by contradictions and doubts, we are tempted to look at our faith, to worry about our faith, to try to work up more faith. at such times, however, we must not look to our faith but look to him. Look to him, listen to him, and faith will take care of itself." - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus, Death on a Friday Afternoon

I knew I had to have previously blogged on some of this, or on the later, somewhat repetitive one that was underlined by my friend Ellie who gave me this book at a time when I was concerned over the weakness of my faith. I think we put so much stress on ourselves concerning our perceived lack of faith because we are so often tempted to think of our faith as the way we earn or deserve our salvation. It's especially tempting when we've been told that we're saved by faith alone, putting the emphasis slightly in the wrong place compared with the scripture that says we are saved by grace through faith. Luther added "alone," and insisted that the "papists" would never get it out. 

But "faith alone" can still give us the wrong impression that our salvation is up to us. Our faith is itself is a gift God gives us. Yes, we have a responsibility to respond to it, but that response is also God's gift to us. It's all grace. We don't in any way earn our place in Christ, even by our response to him. All we do is cooperate in his plan for us, but that participation is still his gift. This is why the "faith alone" versus "faith plus works" argument is such a futile waste of breath. It's all grace. 

And that's why it's so useless to try to debate who has forfeited their place by the way they have failed to cooperate with grace. We have all failed in some way to do so. Over-focusing on our faith is like over-scrutinizing our sin: both things take our focus off of Jesus and his call and example, though that's an inadequate word, to love. It's inadequate because what we really need is for Jesus to love through us, to work through our will and actions to express his love into the lives of those around us. 

Giving myself timelessness

I do not ask you to forget the present and imagine that it is Holy Week. Rather, I invite you to be open to the thought that you are now calling the present is Holy Week, for all time was there, is there, at the cross. - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus, Death on a Friday Afternoon

I have previously blogged on this passage here, and given the subject matter I shouldn't be surprised that it still seems relevant as I start reading this book for the fifth or sixth time. I've reflected on it so often that I will probably often find, as I'm prompted to write again by this excellent read, that there are few passages I haven't already written about. Still, this is part of my enjoyment of this great book, and I am certain it will continue to be relevant to my faith journey. I will therefore share, probably with no audience, my thoughts as I progress through it again in the upcoming Lenten season. After all, I'm in a different place from where I've ever been before, so I can expect to have new insights. 

I have actually tried to pick this book up a couple times in more recent years, since my last total reading. But I've always concluded that I've waited too late into Lent or Holy Week to read the whole thing. I've therefore skipped over this beginning part, and as a result missed coming back to this central point that makes the entire rest of the book work for me, as I discussed in that previous post. Relationships deepen when the present obscures other urgencies. So this year I hope to give myself the gift of fully rediscovering this treasure as I take the time to reflect on Jesus' love as revealed in this defining purpose of His Incarnation. I hope to keep the demands of life from distracting me from reading and meditating until I find something I want to reflect on, perhaps for the second or third occasion. I hope to enter more deeply still the relationship to which my loving God always calls me, being drawn more fully into the unfathomable depths of boundless Love.

A joyful reunion

Dear friends came to town yesterday whom we probably hadn't seen in fifteen years. We'd had two of their sons over in the intervening years, but we had missed them so very much. They arrived yesterday to visit their son, who it turns out had a commitment last night. This impromptu dinner gathering was a time of great celebration of God's gifts in our lives. We celebrated where we have been together and what the Lord has been doing in our lives of late.

Thank you, God, for these wonderful people!

I know a very special girl . . .

. . . a very highly intelligent, creative, caring girl, who is going to bear very deep wounds of rejection and emptiness, and a terrible burden of unforgiveness in her life, if we can't find a way to help her deal with the rejection she is receiving from her "dad."

She deserves so much better than this. When I heard the latest, my eyes and heart filled with tears for her. I have known for myself, and seen in others I love, the damage that this causes in a child's life. God can, of course, heal it, for all things are possible with God. But even that takes a willingness to be open and vulnerable that is nearly impossible on our own when we have known such pain.

My precious granddaughter, I love you so very much. It is a great privilege to be your grandpa. I hope that you will let me help you through this so that it will not haunt you through decades of your life. 

Last week of Advent

If I am anticipating accrurately, there are some powerful readings this week.

Hear me, O house of Jacob, all who remain of the house of Israel,
My burden since your birth, whom I have carried from infancy.
Even to your old age I am the same, even when your hair is gray (or gone?) I will bear you;
It is I who have done this, I who will continue, and I who will carry you to safety . . . 

Listen to me, you fainthearted, you who seem far from the victory of justice:
I am bringing on my justice, it is not far off, my salvation shall not tarry;
I will put salvation within Zion, and give to Israel my glory. - Is 46: 3-4, 12-13

These words remind me that I am not the first to experience God's presence and power and then to know doubt and darkness. His dawn breaks forth when it will best reveal His glory, but meanwhile He will not cease to sustain us through the night.

No man has ever seen God or known him, but God has revealed Himself to us through faith, by 87 which alone it is possible to see Him. - from a letter to Diognetus

I want to know, and God is reminding me that He has given me something that is better for me, now, than knowing: He has provided the gift of faith.

The whole of today's Office of Readings, including the Psalms, is worth the time, bringing me a great sense of God's loving presence exactly where I am.

The reason it's important

If the objective of our life was primarily to avoid sin, it wouldn't much matter whether we did it by grace or by brute force of will. (Let us set aside for a moment the impossibility of the latter.)

But it isn't!

So the reason it's important to turn to God when we're feeling weak and vulnerable isn't just to be helped through whatever degree of crisis we might be facing, and the reason for turning to Him when we are feeling strong isn't so that we won't stumble when we're feeling weak.

It's a little like the incredulous question the late Fr. Neuhaus raises in Death on a Friday Afternoon, while he's speculating about whether God's desire for every beloved son and daughter of His to be saved might actually be fulfilled. He talks about those whose response to that possibility is worry about the benefit of walking with the Lord, then, if our destiny ends up being the same, if God's grace really manages to overcome every person's sin. I'm probably paraphrasing his response: What's the point‽ The point is that you get to walk with the Lord!!

No benefit we might think passes us by when we turn away from sin to walk more closely with Him comes anywhere near that of knowing the One who loves us like no other! And no righteous side effect of avoiding sin compares with this joy, either.

There are many who approach faith as if it is primarily about its beneficial effects on society. They are as wrong as those who elevate any other gift of God above the presence of God Himself. The second greatest commandment is important, but there's a Reason it isn't the greatest!

Area of weakness

I thank You, Lord, for a morning of not feeling particularly weak, but still knowing it was because of Your grace and Your Spirit being at work. I know there will be more challenging times to come, and that turning to You when I'm not feeling especially vulnerable is every bit as important as doing so when I am.

Four decades of failure . . .

. . . make failure feel inevitable. I'm sharing this now, when I'm not alone and not immediately tempted. Addicts and alcoholics in recovery mark the passing time of their sobriety and somehow eventually lose the sense that failure is certain. But the successful ones also have a support network of meetings, sponsors, etc.

Still, I believe in my deliverance by my Savior's power and authority, and I believe in a truth that is greater than my fear of failure - a fear which I continue to renounce in the name of Jesus. And, in my moments of "opportunity" to sin, I will have this reminder that each is also an opportunity to live as the redeemed and restored son of my loving Father, who empowers me by His very Spirit living within me because He is so crazy in love with me.

Being honest with God

Dear Lord, my heavenly Papa, I'm weak and afraid. Even though I've renounced it as a lie before, I have a hard time fully believing that he wasn't right. Sometimes I'm more afraid of missing out on incredible pleasure than I am of not living according to Your plan for me. I know that's a lack in my faith, and I repent of it, and renounce doubt. But I'm not leaning on my faith, nor cowering in my weakness. I'm leaning on You, the only Daddy who has never let me down.

Exodus

In a time and place of repeated failure, I turn to You, Lord.  I place my desire to be with You ahead of my habit of not being able to make "no" last. He may have imposed that pattern in me against my will, long decades ago, but I long since accepted it as part of me. You've now set me free from the spirit of slavery; let me not, in the desert of my fear, look to return to my bondage, as Your people did in their Exodus. Help me through this desert. I will trust You to make a way for me through the sea. I will eat Your manna and quail without grumbling. I will trust You to draw water from the Rock. And I believe that You will lead me to the land of milk and honey, into which I will trust You to deliver me.

Side effects

There can be many ways in which we primarily approach God as a means to some other end: health, success, wealth, self-improvement, the life we imagine, relationships, morality.

Many benefits can accrue to our lives when we know God, and every one of them can become an idol. The only real, lasting benefit of knowing God is in knowing the One who loves us most, growing intimate with Him, having our hearts simultaneously rejoice and break with love for God and our neighbor.

More follow up

Or: An area of weakness, humble faith, and fear of failure

One of the realities that Neal Lozano describes concerning deliverance, in the context of the Unbound model but also of deliverance in general, is that it "moves us from an area of bondage to an area of weakness." He says that this sounds bad, and he's right, it does, and he's right again: it isn't. When we know we are weak and we depend on Christ in those areas, then we are actually strong.

When we've struggled in an area for decades of our life, it can be a challenge to have faith that God will really provide victory in the long term. This is an additional reason why faith (along with repentance) is the first key to spiritual freedom: we must believe that God loves us and wants us to know the victory He has won for us. But this victory is different from everything we have learned about winning in our physical and professional lives. We learn that we are victorious when we work harder than our opponents and make our own skills stronger than theirs. It's Fr. Spitzer's "comparative identity" again: we know most of our victories in comparison to others' defeats. (I suppose that this previous post contains my best description of Fr. Spitzer's concept.) Our pride can come into play here, too: most of us want the affirmation that comes from knowing that we have accomplished what we set out to do.

Conversely, we may also need to renounce the spirit of fear - fear of failure - that can further complicate the dynamics of any area of our lives over which we have struggled unsuccessfully. Yielding to this fear can provide an entryway for a spirit of anxiety in our lives, as well. All of these things can be ours to deal with in the flesh, but they can also have a spiritual element that comes to inhabit them and hold us in bondage to our shortcomings. As I write about this, I feel the tension at the base of my skull building, confirming that these weaknesses and spiritual influences have been at work in my life for decades. And now I also recognize them as the schemes of my adversary to keep me from living in the power of Jesus' cross and resurrection in this area of my life.

When I trust that it is better to allow God's victory to have its way in my life than it would be to have any victory on my own, and I truly believe in God who truly wants me to know the joy of leaning on Him each step of the way, then in the Name of Jesus I can renounce the spirits of pride, doubt, fear, anxiety, and impurity, break the hold they have had over my life, and command them to go, and they have no choice but to leave, because I have both revoked the authority I may have previously given them to stay and embraced Jesus' authority over them, under which I am now living.

It may take some time for my own behavioral habit or tendency to fade, but as I turn to God in these moments of temptation, I trust that I will find that His strength will overcome my weakness. Indeed, I must never long for the day when I don't need Him for victory in this area, but rather desire to be more dependent on Him rather than more independent. In this way, I will develop a different habit and tendency to replace the one to which I have been bound for so long, which is a mere side effect of the greater gift of walking more closely with the One who loves me perfectly.

A great example for me

A saint who struggled greatly with doubt is one whose witness is very helpful for me. Teresa of Calcutta went decades without sensing God's presence in her life, and persevered in living out the vocation she'd received.

Applying a lesson learned early

Because of my role as music minister, I have long found myself feeling obliged to attend events when I don't necessarily feel like it. Early on in our prayer group, which will observe its 30th anniversary next year, I would often hear other members say on some evenings that they didn't really feel like coming, but were always glad afterward that they did. I could relate; although I was usually not as close to deciding not to attend because of my role in the meeting, it seemed like it was always the times I least wanted to be there that I ended up being the most blessed. It led me to believe that we really do have an adversary who works in part through our normal feelings to discourage us from receiving blessings which God intends for us to have, and I have tried to apply this lesson ever since.

That lesson pays off on mornings like this one, when I really wanted to just roll over and go back to sleep rather than attend our men's fellowship and prayer group. I slept especially poorly again last night due to cramping, even without any exercise to contribute to the problem. But I was awake shortly before the meeting started, so I got ready and headed out the door. I was blessed with an opportunity to share honestly and in the proper context about some recent struggles. I didn't leave with any new answers, but was reaffirmed in the insights that I've felt as if the Lord has been leading me back to lately: neither my feelings nor my thoughts in response to them are the same thing as the truth, and I am right to instead take my guidance from sources which don't waver on a whim.

The real problem

. . . is probably not that neither alternative (yeah, I'm going to be vague here; sorry) seems like something I want to live with. After all, I'm never again going to try to live with being a lesser man than I'm called and enabled to be, so that isn't even an option. My past failings are hard enough to live with, as they should be; I'm not going to pile onto them.

Nor is it probably even that my faith is insufficient to instill within me the trust which I need to not waver along the path to which I am clearly called.

In Death on a Friday Afternoon - which it has been entirely too long since I have reread - Fr. Neuhaus tells me that my eyes are focused the wrong place: I need to stop lamenting the circumstances of my life or the insufficiency of my faith, and focus instead on the sufficiency of my Savior.

He says to me as to St. Paul, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Cor 12:9)

Painful growth; dim but present hope (corrected)

(S)eeking the Kingdom first means that we want to receive all of the good things the Father has in store for us. We do not want one good thing apart from knowing His heart for us, and we are not content with anything less than His will. St. Augustine said, "As for our saying: Your kingdom come, it will surely come whether we will it or not. But we are stirring up our desires for the kingdom so that it can come to us." - Neal Lozano, Abba's Heart

I find myself in a very different place this Lent from past years. For nearly as long as I have been trying to walk with the Lord, Lent has been a season of turning away from a particular sin to which I have been bound, but I have since been set free from that in a way that reflects the truth that Neal has shared in his older book, Unbound: A Practical Guide to Deliverance. It is true that I still have an area of weakness where I was formerly in bondage. But instead of being consumed by it, I have found myself reflecting on the Father's love in the face of it, and the impure desire is swamped by the certainty that God has a better plan for me. As it applies to Lent: in the past I practically defined the "success" of "my Lenten efforts" by how well I gutted out this one area of temptation. Since I'm finally dealing with that by Grace rather than by sheer willpower, the next thing is now more present to me. I myself have often observed that God often returns us to the same lesson until we learn it, for it's often impossible to move on to the next one until then. There's a reason we must learn to add before we multiply.

That former area of bondage had a payoff of which I wasn't aware. I could attribute any unhappiness in my life to my struggle - and especially my failure - in that area. I know that sin distorts our perspective, and so I have basically placed most blame for any dissatisfaction with my life on that. For decades. Now, when I am unhappy or dissatisfied with my life, I have to look for another reason. Perhaps there could be vestiges of the same underlying attitude that are now contributing to my ennui, but maybe there's something else, too. Perhaps I'm not primarily interested in loving as the Father loves me, but am disproportionately concerned with how I wish my life were different from how it is.

I need to desire God's kingdom first, and trust that all other things will be added besides (Mt. 6:33). While I am growing more conscious of the Father's deep, sustaining, joyful love for me, I am struggling to trust in His provision for my own joy, in an area that most people would agree is very important.

Jesus' instruction to seek the Kingdom and His righteousness (Mt 6:25-33) is nothing less than an invitation to pursue and experience heaven while living on earth. Choosing the kingdom as life's first priority does not replace our need for food, shelter or clothing; it simply puts everything else in its proper place. When we put those things above our need for God's reign, we invite disorder into our thoughts, especially through anxiety. When we seek the Kingdom first, we find the goodness of God through faith, and we actively pursue His will. When we refuse to give worry a place in us and surrender to the Father through prayer, self-giving and loving relationships, we honor Him as the source of all that is good. - ibid.

The same is true for non-physical needs. God, I'm going to have to trust you to get me there.

Abba's Heart

I love you, Dad. Do you love me? - Micah Lozano, in a note under the Christmas tree, as recounted by his father Matt Lozano and grandfather Neal Lozano in the Introduction to Abba's Heart

I'm pretty sure I'm going to love this book. And I'm also pretty sure it's going to complete a work of healing in my life that I'm realizing has only begun.

My life cries out this question to the men I could call "father." But opening my prayer time with it, or invoking it during Mass, provides a reminder of a steadfast love which I need never doubt but must - absolutely, life-changing-ly must - remember in a new way. I must always remember my utter, childlike dependence on my Father's love, and I must know it forms the nexus around which every other thing in my life - every endeavor, every thought, every feeling - must revolve and find resolution.

I hope that this wonderful, joyful  reassurance that I feel in my heart each time I have offered this prayer does not fade with repetition.

Rejoicing over me

I am called to repent of unbelief if I do not believe the truth that the Father is singing in joy because of me! - Fr. John Horn, S.J, in the second Foreword to Abba's Heart

This sentence follows closely over the quotation of Zp 3:14-18, with an encouragement to read and understand this passage in the first person. And I find myself aware of a truth in a new way.

I have long known that God rejoices over me when I do what He knows is best for me, and that God loves me even when I don't. But this foreword and this book are leading me to realize that even the sadness which God may feel on my behalf - or even anger, again for my sake and also for others' - does not diminish the joy He takes in who I am, even when I choose poorly. Somehow, that knowledge is part of the five keys of spiritual freedom that help me remain unbound from bondage to poor choices. There is liberating power in knowing who I am in the context of who God - my Father - is.

I have an experience of something like this that I've never had before, in watching my grown daughters. They are a marvel, even when I disagree with their choices.

There is absolutely no way I can express this. But I expect this is but the first toe-in-the-water touch of this book drawing me more deeply into my Papa's heart.

Incarnation

6/8 Intro/Interlude: |D  A G  D|Bm  |D  A G  D  |F#m 
  A       |D        |A        |D  A   G  D  |(F#m) A     |
Imagine a time, one moment containing ev-ry mo  -  ment
D                        |A      |G          Em       |Bm     |
Poignant, mundane, breathtaking, heartrending  and sublime
     |Em     F#m   |Bm7         |Em       A    |Bm7sus4 Bm7  |
Each joy and every sorrow every heart has ever known
G        Em      |Asus4  A   
Touch upon God's timelessness

Interlude

Picture a |place so |open  it|reaches every |place
from vast |galaxies down to |leptons which our |senses can't per|ceive
|Mountaintops and deep |oceans, shining |stars and prison |cells
Im|merse in God's sacred |presence

Refrain:
     |G   Em     F#m         |Em   A/C#    Bm   |
O my God, You're beyond all imag  - in  -  ing
          Em           Gm          |Bm          
though we struggle and yearn to conceive
      |G   Em    F#m        |Em  A/C#   Bm  
You reveal yourself in your love for    us
        |G          A         |Interlude
Give us hearts that burn to believe

Con|ceive of every con|ception every |one has ever |fathomed
Phi|losophies and in|ventions, |plots, ideas and |schemes 
Each |wonder science dis|covers and |mysteries not yet re|vealed  |
Marvel at God's |boundless mind

Interlude

Consider a |love so |giving it |begs us all to |enter  |
Bearing each hurt and |betrayal, re|turning forgiveness and |peace   |
Shining great light in deep |darkness, bringing |hope to those in des|pair   |
Fall |into God's |loving arms

Refrain

Bridge:
G             Em              |G            A     |
  Since we're told that we're made in God's image
G        Em         |G       A     |
  We assign God our image as well
G          Em              |G            A        
  Bound by physics, space, time, and our feelings
    |G             Em    |G                 |Asus4   |A Tacet 
our minds cannot hope to grasp all that God is

But know this small |child, one |infant who |touches every |person For|saking the glory  of |heaven to be|come as one of |us     |
Born to deliver, by |dying and rising, |all people unto him|self
Come |enter God's |very life

Refrain

© 2015, LifeKnell Music Ministry; All rights reserved.

Incarnation

(edited 10/10)
At last I think I have finished this song about which I was so excited when I started it, nearly two years ago. It turns out that I needed time away from it to get out of my own way, to figure out how to rework the lyrics so that, while they may actually seem more awkward (at the end of each verse and the bridge) to read, the music and therefore the entire song now flow much better, and the parallelism between the verses is vastly improved. I also have a tentative title that I like at least a little.

I am highly indebted to the motivational influence of other wonderful songwriters. I was inspired to start this song after hearing the talented members of the Heider family share their music in a house concert. I was moved to revisit it after rehearsing for the first time with Keri Edwards, Kris Krumal and Nic Cardilino to accompany their wonderful songwriters' concert.

This is, of course, too long, and way heady, but there is a point to both of these shortcomings, as it's so broad in what it attempts to convey (which may literally be the understatement of all time and eternity).


Incarnation

Imagine a time: one moment containing every moment
Poignant, mundane, breathtaking, heartrending and sublime
Each joy and every sorrow every heart has ever known
Touch upon God's timelessness

Picture a place so open it reaches every place
from vast galaxies down to leptons which our senses can't perceive
Mountaintops and deep oceans, shining stars and prison cells
Immerse in God's sacred presence

Refrain:
O my God, you're beyond all imagining
though we struggle and yearn to conceive
You reveal yourself in your love for us
Give us hearts that burn to believe

Conceive of every conception everyone has ever fathomed
Philosophies and inventions, plots, ideas and schemes
Each wonder science discovers and mysteries not yet revealed
Marvel at God's boundless mind

Consider a love so giving it begs us all to enter
Bearing each hurt and betrayal, returning forgiveness and peace
Shining great light in deep darkness, bringing hope to those in despair
Fall into God's loving arms

Refrain

Bridge:
Since we're told that we're made in God's image
We assign God our image as well
Bound by physics, space, time and our feelings
Our minds cannot hope to grasp all that God is

But know this small child, one infant who touches every person
Forsaking the glory of heaven to become as one of us
Born to deliver, by dying and rising, all people unto himself
Come enter God's very life

Refrain

© 2014, 2015, LifeKnell Music Ministry; All rights reserved.