Today's word

legerity /luh-JAIR-uh-tee/ - alert facile quickness of mind or body

I used to take pride in what I perceived to be this quality in myself. 

so . . .

very . . . tired . . .

I struggle to fully believe that

Last night, for the second time in my life, i received this message from God: "You are not alone." This time it came from the friend who was leading me in an Unbound prayer session. Like the first time, when God seemed to speak directly to my heart by my mom's deathbed, i know that it's true.

But, as on October 20, 2001, it doesn't feel true in my life. In fact, it almost never feels true. Even living in a house with three other people, i almost always feel lonely. Even when i am among other people, even those whom i consider friends, i almost always feel isolated from them. Even just talking casually among coworkers, one of them will share an observation and i know that i'm among the "them" rather than the "us."

Even in prayer, i almost always feel that i am longing for God's presence rather than actually being with Him.

But i will stand on what i know rather than what i feel.

Today's words

glabrous /GLAY-brus/ - smooth; especially : having a surface without hairs or projections

This applies to increasingly more of my scalp. I was familiar with this word, but have always mispronounced it.

holus-bolus /hoh-lus-BOH-lus/ -  all at once

I don't think I had a real sense of this word from the definition. The examples helped a lot.

shilly-shally /SHILL-ee-'shall-ee/ -  in an irresolute, undecided, or hesitating manner

Would have probably gotten this one in context. Maybe?

Today's word

amanuensis /uh-man-yuh-WEN-sis/ - one employed to write from dictation or to copy manuscript

Pretty sure I'd never seen this word before. At least my brain pronounced it correctly. I expect I'll recognize it should I ever encounter it again, and that I'll never use it myself. 

Bright, sunny day

on the outside.

Today's word

From the Word Family Quiz in today's WOTD. I'm often amazed at words that turn out to be related: inoculate (worth a read just for the etymology, even though everyone knows the word) and this word I'd never encountered before:

oeillade /ˌər-ˈyäd , ˌə- , œ- / - a glance of the eye; especially :ogle

Don't stand so close

This song idea came to me yesterday morning. Yeah, I've totally stolen it from The Police, but am taking it in a completely different direction. This is going to be about keeping emotional distance, and the reasons for it.

Yesterday's initial idea was about childhood trauma that we keep hidden, that keeps us from letting people get close enough to really know us. It isn't really autobiographical - I share most of my own pretty freely - but is why some people keep their distance. "Friends," who don't want to let you inside. Don't stand so close.

Another verse idea is about depression. Don't stand so close, you might get some on you. I might hurt you.

I suppose that there needs to be one about dislike. Umm . . . Don't stand so close. I'm not sure I can write that one, but maybe . . .

Mistrust? Yeah, I think maybe.

I think there will probably also be one about thoughts, feelings, or circumstances that might hurt someone if we shared them. 

Don't stand so close.

Things I know

I love my bride.
She loves me.
We're committed to each other.
We aren't interested in much of the same things.
I'm lonely most nights, at some point.
I often wish I could die.

One thing that helps

God deals with this about 7 billion times over, every single day.

Of course, He's God, and I'm not. But still.

What happened

Not that that makes the ones to which you've grown accustomed any less soul crushing.

So in the last few minutes before my bride got home tonight, I turned on the U.S. Open to see some of Venus Williams' match. I find myself appreciating her and her sister's careers lately, and realizing I am late to do so. In fairness, though, I've never watched much tennis anyway. But I wasn't planning on watching the whole thing, because my wife doesn't care for televised sports at all. 

She gets home, and we take out the trash and recycle together, which was a nice change from the usual of doing that by myself. She knows I'm not feeling well, and wanted to help me out, which I appreciate. I jumped up to help at the thought of her trying to drag our (unwheeled) trash can to the curb. Afterward, she mentioned that she was going to the grocery store to pick up a mixer for the rum punch she bought that's too strong for her liking, so I offered to walk with her. I figured it would give us some more time together. 

We got home, I watched one more game of the third set of the Williams match, then handed over the remote, because I didn't want to watch something that she doesn't like. 

So she immediately pulls up a recorded show that I don't like. At all. 

And thus ends a hopeful night.

And before you ask: it isn't as if we haven't discussed this issue on multiple occasions over the decades. It isn't as if I haven't poignantly described how I feel. And it isn't as if this end result doesn't represent the vast majority of my nights. 

Rejection takes many forms

They all hurt.

I think that, maybe, the ones to which we haven't grown accustomed hurt more deeply, and are harder to deal with, because of the ones we to which we have.