"Inadequate" faith

"Dysmas has faith smaller than a mustard seed, and it blossoms into a tree of eternal life, a tree of paradise. Christ's response to our faith is ever so much greater than our faith. Give him an opening, almost any opening, and he opens life to wonder beyond measure."

"When our faith is weak, when we are assailed by contradictions and doubts, we are tempted to look at our faith, to worry about our faith, to try to work up more faith. at such times, however, we must not look to our faith but look to him. Look to him, listen to him, and faith will take care of itself." - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus, Death on a Friday Afternoon

I knew I had to have previously blogged on some of this, or on the later, somewhat repetitive one that was underlined by my friend Ellie who gave me this book at a time when I was concerned over the weakness of my faith. I think we put so much stress on ourselves concerning our perceived lack of faith because we are so often tempted to think of our faith as the way we earn or deserve our salvation. It's especially tempting when we've been told that we're saved by faith alone, putting the emphasis slightly in the wrong place compared with the scripture that says we are saved by grace through faith. Luther added "alone," and insisted that the "papists" would never get it out. 

But "faith alone" can still give us the wrong impression that our salvation is up to us. Our faith is itself is a gift God gives us. Yes, we have a responsibility to respond to it, but that response is also God's gift to us. It's all grace. We don't in any way earn our place in Christ, even by our response to him. All we do is cooperate in his plan for us, but that participation is still his gift. This is why the "faith alone" versus "faith plus works" argument is such a futile waste of breath. It's all grace. 

And that's why it's so useless to try to debate who has forfeited their place by the way they have failed to cooperate with grace. We have all failed in some way to do so. Over-focusing on our faith is like over-scrutinizing our sin: both things take our focus off of Jesus and his call and example, though that's an inadequate word, to love. It's inadequate because what we really need is for Jesus to love through us, to work through our will and actions to express his love into the lives of those around us. 

Mother of Salvation

To Mary God gave his only-begotten Son, whom he loved as himself. Through Mary God made himself a Son, not different but the same, by nature Son of God and Son of Mary. The whole universe was created by God, and God was born of Mary. God created all things, and Mary gave birth to God. The God who made all things gave himself form through Mary, and thus he made his own creation. He who could create all things from nothing would not remake his ruined creation without Mary.

God, then, is the Father of the created world and Mary the mother of the re-created world. God is the Father by whom all things were given life, and Mary the mother through whom all things were given new life. For God begot the Son, through whom all things were made, and Mary gave birth to him as the Savior of the world. Without God’s Son, nothing could exist; without Mary’s Son, nothing could be redeemed. - from a sermon by St. Anselm

Good stuff here, from this morning's Office of Readings. It seems the right balance between proper reverence and gratitude toward Mary and inappropriate worship of her.

What makes it dark - and the self-forgiveness challenge

My post from yesterday was short and bitter, not in tone or expression but in its impact on me. Nothing makes my life go dark anymore like those moments in which I am acutely aware that I was a part of a problem that has fundamentally hurt so many people. It isn't a nebulous idea for me: I know that pain, too, intimately (also "too intimately"), and yet nonetheless I caused it. And decades of consistently striving to be a part of the solution fail to keep that darkness from having a hook into my psyche.

Forgiveness is a process, whether one is forgiving others or forgiving oneself. But each time I see how someone else - especially someone whom I love and respect - has been affected by actions like my own broken ones, it seems I have to reenter the process. And my ability to do that is too dependent on my current frame of mind.

I've been so loved, so forgiven, so accepted, that you'd think this would get easier.

Neglecting our responsibilities, with cause

I suppose I could be referring to never having any time to express a worthwhile thought anymore. The new job is great, but getting out the door in time for work in the morning has put a damper on my early-morning writing, and accessing social media even on breaks is verboten in my new workplace. Evenings have been crazy busy, too. But at last I have a few minutes to gather a few thoughts from the last week.

My feelings are probably not sufficiently in touch with the citizens of Paris. But then, most Westerners' feelings haven't been sufficiently in touch with the citizens of Syria, Iraq, or Afghanistan for entirely too long. The attack in Paris was supposed to be shocking, but I am not shocked anymore by what we will do to each other in God's name, or that of Justice. From our perspective, the perpetrators of terrorist acts have been primarily Islamic extremists, but those whose homes are destroyed by war may not make such a distinction in who they blame for their homelessness. Don't get me wrong: I'm not suggesting that collateral damage in attempting to combat evil is the same as intentional attack on innocent people, just that I understand why those collateral victims might have a different opinion from mine.

I hope I always remember what the rabbi at the NYC memorial service after 9/11 said. The gist of it was that great threat of evil is not what it does to us from without, but what we become in response to it. And the evil that we have encountered over the past fourteen years has apparently made us a fearful, defensive people, incapable of understanding others' pain. I understand the feelings of my friends who refuse to extend a welcome to those displaced by war in their home country. But their anti-terrorist-cum-anti-Muslim fear prevents Christian refugees from taking shelter among us, too. We seem to have forgotten that the entire Sunni-vs.-Shiite conflict in the Islamic-dominated lands leaves Christians with nowhere to turn. "I don't care," they may protest; it isn't worth the risk, hunkering down in their shells in the middle of the highway.

Really, though, that makes it sound as if my motivation is the same as theirs - determining who best deserves to find a refuge - when I'm really just making an observation about a side effect of what seems to be a predominant view of the "religious right." I find myself disagreeing with their protectionist stance.

I could invoke Franklin, I guess, whose adage about those who would trade liberty for safety could probably be easily extended to those who would protect their own well-being at the expense of those who are far worse off. Or maybe we could talk in terms of lust-filled David, whose royal harem was insufficient to quench his lust for poor Uriah's wife.

But while I recognize that we have a responsibility to look after the safety of our own citizens, the image that keeps coming to my mind is how my Lord treated me when I was his enemy. He did not shrink back from the harm I would do to him, but in his great love and compassion ran forward to embrace the worst hurt that I had to offer, that he might thereby win me to himself. I have long held that it is impossible to simultaneously love another and protect oneself, and that is the true nature of the debate.

To hear us talk, I think it's time to scratch that inscription off the base of that wonderful gift we got from France almost 130 years ago, though. We've become to afraid to care any longer who else yearns to breathe free.

Incarnation

6/8 Intro/Interlude: |D  A G  D|Bm  |D  A G  D  |F#m 
  A       |D        |A        |D  A   G  D  |(F#m) A     |
Imagine a time, one moment containing ev-ry mo  -  ment
D                        |A      |G          Em       |Bm     |
Poignant, mundane, breathtaking, heartrending  and sublime
     |Em     F#m   |Bm7         |Em       A    |Bm7sus4 Bm7  |
Each joy and every sorrow every heart has ever known
G        Em      |Asus4  A   
Touch upon God's timelessness

Interlude

Picture a |place so |open  it|reaches every |place
from vast |galaxies down to |leptons which our |senses can't per|ceive
|Mountaintops and deep |oceans, shining |stars and prison |cells
Im|merse in God's sacred |presence

Refrain:
     |G   Em     F#m         |Em   A/C#    Bm   |
O my God, You're beyond all imag  - in  -  ing
          Em           Gm          |Bm          
though we struggle and yearn to conceive
      |G   Em    F#m        |Em  A/C#   Bm  
You reveal yourself in your love for    us
        |G          A         |Interlude
Give us hearts that burn to believe

Con|ceive of every con|ception every |one has ever |fathomed
Phi|losophies and in|ventions, |plots, ideas and |schemes 
Each |wonder science dis|covers and |mysteries not yet re|vealed  |
Marvel at God's |boundless mind

Interlude

Consider a |love so |giving it |begs us all to |enter  |
Bearing each hurt and |betrayal, re|turning forgiveness and |peace   |
Shining great light in deep |darkness, bringing |hope to those in des|pair   |
Fall |into God's |loving arms

Refrain

Bridge:
G             Em              |G            A     |
  Since we're told that we're made in God's image
G        Em         |G       A     |
  We assign God our image as well
G          Em              |G            A        
  Bound by physics, space, time, and our feelings
    |G             Em    |G                 |Asus4   |A Tacet 
our minds cannot hope to grasp all that God is

But know this small |child, one |infant who |touches every |person For|saking the glory  of |heaven to be|come as one of |us     |
Born to deliver, by |dying and rising, |all people unto him|self
Come |enter God's |very life

Refrain

© 2015, LifeKnell Music Ministry; All rights reserved.

Reflections on today's readings

When I was trying to walk out the door at 7:31 to play at 8:00 mass and didn't have the right keys hanging where they belong, I decided on plan B. I'll have to find them before too much longer here, but I wasn't going to lose my mind trying to find them after I was already supposed to be at church if I was going to play.

Today's readings

Sometimes I completely understand why the bishops skip over verses in the assigned readings, because they don't fit with - or even distract from - the main point of the reading which they're trying to emphasize. And sometimes I just shake my head and fear that they've actually failed to underscore the most important part of what we need to hear. For instance, in today's reading from Deuteronomy, here is the passage they've omitted, after "before your very eyes?"

To you it was shown, that you might know that the LORD is God; there is no other besides him. Out of heaven he let you hear his voice, that he might discipline you; and on earth he let you see his great fire, and you heard his words out of the midst of the fire.  And because he loved your fathers and chose their descendants after them, and brought you out of Egypt with his own presence, by his great power, driving out before you nations greater and mightier than yourselves, to bring you in, to give you their land for an inheritance, as at this day; - Dt 4:35-38

The passage then continues: "this is why you must now know . . . "

Perhaps the bishops are trying to avoid controversy over the history of Israel and the idea that God provided this land for his chosen people. But it seems to me that it is important for us to know that it we need to focus as much on what the Lord is doing in our own lives, even those things that are in fact discipline or correction for us, as on what he has done in the past. I have been greatly blessed by God, my heavenly Father, and need to keep in mind that his direction for my life is intended for further blessing rather than caprice and control.

The psalm was of course written before we were given much inkling of the triune Godhead, and was a song of the Jewish chosen people, but it resonates even more for me today as a follower of Christ who has filled me with his very presence by pouring out the Holy Spirit, choosing me to be his own in a far more intimate way than even the Jewish people were first chosen. I have read that salvation history has been a continual journey from a chosen person (Adam, then Abraham) to a family (Abraham's descendents, down to Jacob's family in Egypt) to a nation (those delivered from slavery in Egypt to the promised land of Israel) to include the entire world (to the ends of the earth). The Incredibles got it wrong when they said that "if everyone is special, then no one is." We are all special, each chosen individually in our unique way to enter into this relationship with God the Father through Christ Jesus in the Holy Spirit.

The second reading is fairly short, and is worth including in its entirety here:

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the spirit of sonship. When we cry, "Abba! Father!" it is the Spirit himself bearing witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. - Rom 8:14-17

(btw, I continue to use the RSV translation, which doesn't exactly match the USCCB link above because the bishops are probably using the NAB.)

How wonderful that this follows last week's epistle reading, in which we are assured that no one can proclaim Jesus as Lord except by the Holy Spirit. This passage brings out the roles of the persons of the Trinity in our lives. It isn't that they act individually to do separate things, but that God works together in our lives in various ways to draw us into relationship with him, indwelling us with his very self that we might carry on the mission on which Jesus has sent us as he himself was sent. We have the boldness of the Spirit to carry us through the trials we might be asked to bear in his name, for a season or for our lives, so that God is glorified by the works he has prepared for us in which we walk.

Passages like this should disabuse us of the notion that Christians are destined for an easy path because of our faith.

The Gospel reading is the most succinct confirmation of the triune Godhead, for why would anyone have any need of being baptized in any name except that of God himself?

Some scholars try to reduce today's feast and the concept of the Trinity to a pantheistic concept. There is value in knowing and reflecting upon the presence of God in all things. But there is also value in taking one day out of the year, not to put the Divine Persons of the Trinity into a box of orthodoxy, but to consider the implications that the God who loves each of us so much as to have created this universe for us with all its marvels to reveal his glory then humbly came among us to reveal his glory in redeeming sacrifice and even more humbly reveals his glory by dwelling within us even though we still choose our own wishes over God's greater dreams for us - and to know that all of these actions are really one united expression of a love that we barely begin to know in this life.

And so it turns out that this time soaking in God's presence was probably better than playing at an extra Mass this morning.

Confirming (phase 3) - Crucifixion and Death (step 26) - session 1

This step suggests a picture meditation, and provides a link to three moving images of Christ's crucifixion with connections to beloved saints. Still, I believe I will meditate before our own crucifix at St. Helen in conjunction with this evening's service.

Meanwhile, I will reflect on the conclusion of St. John's Passion:

Jn 19:16-37

There appears not to be an original thought to be had. Even knowing this cross is my victory, it fills me with sorrow. So just a couple of impressions:

I have never understood why it should matter who was where when they were crucified? Surely the center could not have represented a more honorable death than either side.

Even while acceding to them, Pilate can't help tweaking the council.

They treated Jesus' tunic with more respect than his body. I think we do the same thing, attributing a higher value to those who are dressed nicely.

I have reflected before on Good Friday (at least once) about Chrysostom's observation that the blood and water from Jesus side represent the sacraments of Eucharist and Baptism. Even in death he blesses us with gifts containing depth beyond comprehension.

Thank you, dearest Lord.

Thank you, dearest Lord.

Thank you, dearest Lord.

Confirming (phase 3), - Gethsemane (step 24) - session 4

I AM

Jn 18:1-11

Well, unfortunately the RSV translation doesn't render verse 5 the same way that the NAB does. But I have read elsewhere that Jesus was definitely invoking the tetragrammaton and this is why they drew back and fell to the ground. Perhaps they expected God to immediately relieve them of the responsibility of putting Jesus to death and none of them wanted to be caught by the lightning flash.

So Judas, procuring a band of soldiers and some officers from the chief priests and the Pharisees, went there with lanterns and torches and weapons. - (3)

The council feared that Jesus would try to become king, or would allow the people to try to make him king. Perhaps they thought him more like themselves. They must have been afraid that, if he wasn't gathering an army, he'd at least assembled a protective guard. Judas knew that Jesus wouldn't be alone, so they took no chances. The only armed force Jesus had was Peter and his sword. He wasn't much of an army!

We, too often, also put up a small army of resistance against Jesus, enough to ensure that we will have our way against what we perceive to be his will, to which we do not wish to submit.

Then Jesus, knowing all that was to befall him, came forward and said to them, "Whom do you seek?"  - (4)

We are asked this questions every day, in the face of our own trials. When we dare to say that we seek him, Jesus likewise says to us, "I AM." (I want to expound on those two words, but they're already complete.) Do we have the good sense to fall on our knees before that Truth?

Of those whom thou gavest me I lost not one. - (9b)

This remains true. This verse is one of the foundations of the "once-saved-always-saved" dogma. I don't think that's what Jesus meant.

But if Fr. Satish and Rob Bell and Fr. Neuhaus are right in suggesting that Hell might be empty of human souls, then once-saved-always-saved is actually true, too. I agree with Fr. Neuhaus; we may not have sufficient grounds to believe this is true, but we should hope as much. If we don't, it is because we underestimate our own sin and we misunderstand grace.

Conforming (phase 2), Jesus raises Lazarus and gets anointed at the supper in Bethany - AtaDc (step20), session 1a

In this step we contemplate the events leading up to the final confrontation between Jesus and his enemies at the last Passover. The climate of these last days as Jesus gets near Jerusalem becomes heavier and heavier. The situation of the companions is still similar to the contemplated events of the life of Jesus, as they face the seriousness of the consequences of the decisions they are about to make.

The raising of Lazarus is the most powerful of the “signs” Jesus gave to make [clear] his mission as giver of life[]. We can point out the parallel between the raising of Lazarus and the parable in Luke’s gospel on the rich man and the poor Lazarus (Lk 7:11-17). Also the poor Lazarus of the parable died and the rich man requested his return to warn the living of the necessity of conversion and faith. In John’s gospel Lazarus does return from the dead but not all believe, moreover, for the Sanhedrin this miracle of Jesus was the direct motive to seek to kill him. - Step by Step Retreats, Orientation to step 20

I'm going to take a session or two on the actual reading discussed in this second paragraph, but for now I want to just focus on this general context, especially since I just heard this reading (Jn 11:1-45) at Mass today. The scripture for the second session covers the remainder of the chapter, bridging this week to the events of Holy Week.

In the center of the Garden of Eden were the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and the tree of life. I believe it was God's plan all along for us to eat the fruit of this second tree, and knowing we would eat the fruit of the first tree he prepared before the foundation of the world to send his son to be the tree of life for us.

I also have wondered about the two Lazarus scriptures, and whether the Lazarus of the parable might actually be the Lazarus who Jesus raised from the dead. Jesus concludes that parable with Abraham telling the rich man that if we would not listen to Moses and the prophets, we would not believe even if one were to return from the dead. So it is for those who see Jesus as a threat because of the raising of Lazarus rather than as proof that he is indeed the resurrection and the life (which makes a nice tie-in to the previous step, Who is Jesus?). Skeptics say that seeing is believing, but people of faith come to know that it is the other way around: believing leads to seeing.

Oh, enough for now.

Conforming (phase 2), Jesus Heals: To be Free to be Able to Choose - AtaDc (step18), session 2a

A final thought from one of the sessions in this step - before moving on to step 19 - which struck me when I was reviewing sessions so that I could back-link to a previous one. It seemed to me that I should spend some time thinking about an additional implication of the reading for the second session. It isn't anything new or especially profound, but may be critically important, and it turns out to touch on my reactions to a couple pieces of entertainment from the weekend.

And he stretched out his hand, and touched him . . .  - Lk 5: 13a

With some down time on Saturday while I was frequently blowing my nose, I caught up on some back episodes of Elementary. This series deals pretty significantly with Holmes' drug use, which most movies and series have ignored. I'm not familiar enough with the books to know how Doyle treated this, but in this series a now straight-and-sober Sherlock has to regularly face the aftermath of his addiction. Watson comes into her (!) relationship with Holmes as a surgeon who has left that practice due to a tragedy that a patient experienced under her care, who turned to a second career as a sober companion for addicts and takes on Holmes as a client. The series' first few seasons have followed the arc of his recovery, as Holmes must overcome his arrogance to come to grips with the idea that attending meetings and having a sponsor, and eventually becoming a sponsor, are beneficial for him rather than beneath him. In an episode I viewed on Saturday, he had to face a newly-discovered murder that been committed during a time that he had blacked out; he was a suspect because the victim was found with a hand-written note indicating that he wanted to meet with her. This made him the police's main suspect, and he had to deal with the possibility that, as an addict controlled by his drug use, he might have actually killed her.  What caught my attention was something he was explaining to Watson as he engaged in comparatively less self-destructive and more potentially beneficial actions than relapse would have been: he explained to her that she knew the deep regret of making a terrible mistake, but that didn't compare with the shamefulness that he had experienced in his addiction, as under the drugs he had become a person who he could imagine committing such a crime. (The plot hole was that in such a state even such a brilliant mind as his probably couldn't have hidden the body so well.)

And below my breath, I had to offer an amen: the difference between deep regret and deep shame is inexpressible.

The other program we watched together this weekend was Blue Bloods, on which a young woman whose family had been murdered when she was a young child dealt with the request of their killer to meet with her. I was not so dismayed by the harsh words that the surviving member of the family expressed to the murderer who had killed her family at least fifteen years earlier, for one reason: if he had true remorse for what he'd done to her and her family, he would have understood that he should never contact her except to provide her with the opportunity to express her feelings. I was pretty disappointed in the jaded attitudes of so many cast members, whose Catholicism doesn't seem to include the concept of mercy. There's a difference between wanting violent criminals serve their time as they deserve and placing them beyond the reach of God's transforming power.

So this entertainment-based tangent returns at last to the point: Jesus touches the untouchable. He did it while he walked the earth, as we see over and over again his central belief that he came for the downtrodden, the outcast, the sinner. We see it for the physically untouchable: lepers and blind men whose infirmities are believed to be caused by sin. We observe it in his response to those whose sin is undeniable, the woman caught in adultery, the woman at the well, the tax collectors Matthew and Zacchaeus. We don't encounter anyone whose sin we'd consider unforgivable today: there are no encounters with murderers or molesters, and we don't meet a thief with Jesus until Calvary. Maybe this is why we so often fail to grasp the concept of mercy; most of us are able to hold ourselves above the "really bad people" who have done truly horrific things.

Oh, God help me if his mercy is not for all of us. (contradiction not intended, but not corrected)

But the thing is, I think we will be surprised when we fully understand the nature of sin, and of our sinful selves. I think we will be blown away by God's grace and love in a way that allows us to see how fully we have needed it for ourselves and that leaves us wanting every lost brother and sister to receive it for themselves, too, no matter how terrible or close-to-home their offenses.

Conforming (phase 2), Three Types of Attitude in Scriptural Case Studies (step14), session 3

He entered Jericho and was passing through. And there was a man named Zacchae'us; he was a chief tax collector, and rich. And he sought to see who Jesus was, but could not, on account of the crowd, because he was small of stature. So he ran on ahead and climbed up into a sycamore tree to see him, for he was to pass that way. 

And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up and said to him, "Zacchae'us, make haste and come down; for I must stay at your house today." 

So he made haste and came down, and received him joyfully. And when they saw it they all murmured, "He has gone in to be the guest of a man who is a sinner." 

And Zacchae'us stood and said to the Lord, "Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor; and if I have defrauded any one of anything, I restore it fourfold."  

And Jesus said to him, "Today salvation has come to this house, since he also is a son of Abraham. For the Son of man came to seek and to save the lost." - Lk 19, 1-10

I was wondering what passage they'd use for the third type of attitude. What a perfect choice! I've reflected on Zacchae'us often over the decades, but this gives me a new context for considering his example.

It seems to me that, as is true for so many other aspects of a sincere faith journey, the first requirement we must meet to model this attitude is an understanding of our proper relationship with God in Christ Jesus. So often we approach what God asks of us as if he is something other than a loving Father who always wants what is best for us, and who graciously bestows it on us despite our unworthiness to even be called his sons and daughters. We see God instead as trying to limit our joy by imposing restrictions or obligations on us, and this keeps us from seeking what he truly desires for us in our lives.

I am certain that Zacchae'us was under no delusions regarding his stature within the community (pun intended), and understood what a great privilege it was that Jesus would come to his home. When this is true of us, we tend to receive Jesus joyfully, too! But when we fail to understand what a gift God has given us in adopting us as sons and daughters and delivering us from our sin, everything else we do becomes a struggle in the undercurrent of this denied truth.

We have heard a lot of talk lately about being people of gratitude, and that is very important, but if our first appreciation is not for the most important gift of our unmerited salvation, putting on the proper attitude of humble obedience to God in each thing will be impossible for us.

Conforming (phase 2), God So Loved the World - The Birth of Jesus (step 9), session 2

Oh, I've gotten terribly behind. I should be finished this step by now.

The Shepherds

And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with fear. And the angel said to them, "Be not afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of a great joy which will come to all the people; for to you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord." - Lk 2, 9-11

When Christ comes to us, our first response is often fear of the unknown, unfathomable, wondrous person before us and of what we are sure he is going to ask of us.  Surely the One who leaves the throne of heaven for our sake will not tolerate our shrinking back from our mission, and we know not where it will take us, what he will require of us.

Each year as we celebrate the birth of the Savior, I always consider Calvary, the foreknown path which the eternal Son accepted along with his Incarnation. It is good for us to avoid the trap of romanticizing the glory of angels and the wonder of Magi led by a star, detaching it as we so often do from Jesus' redemptive mission. But while that mission was "finished" at Calvary, it comes into its fullness in the Resurrection, the outpouring of the Holy Spirit, and the mission of the Church: the birth of Christ in the heart of each beloved son and daughter of God and our formation into the Body of Christ.  The Body suffers passion and death, but the Body is resurrected! This is good news of greatest joy!  Now: how can we be resurrected without dying?

And they went with haste, and found Mary and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger. - Lk 2, 16

Let us not "go, if we must," and worship the eternal Son of God, but go "with haste" and encounter him in his humility, his vulnerability; let us grow with him in infancy and childhood and adulthood; let us enter into his suffering and his resurrected joy! Let us bear lovingly, knowing that it is Christ himself who bears within and through us.

Conforming (phase 2), God Prepares a Way for Our Salvation - The Mystery of the Incarnation (step 8)

"Now we turn our attention from the Trinity to the entire earth, all inhabitants and all countries of it, and then slowly focus our attention on the image of Mary with the angel in Nazareth. This exercise of imagination is like to watching a movie with this opening closing down of the camera. With this visualization we have three big pictures to use in contemplation, the Trinity, the world and the scene in Nazareth." - Manual for the retreats, as quoted by Step-by-Step Retreats

This seems like the right transition at the right time. For two weeks we have recalled the longing of Israel for the Messiah and our longing for Christ's return, in the context of the parable of kingdom. Come to think of it, I probably need to wrap up the seventh step a bit in this context.

The people of Israel were of course waiting for the promised king who would restore the glory of their nation. The Lord had worked such amazing deeds for them, and they must have longed for that work to resume. But God never seems to do his marvelous works in the same way that he did them before. He always seems to have something bigger - and often less obviously spectacular - in mind. So the kingdom he has established is far beyond what the children of Israel anticipated with longing, and therefore those who were most invested in the ways that God had worked previously mostly failed to recognized it when he began to bring his plan of salvation to greater fullness.

So yes, it is good for us to prepare to celebrate this great mystery by taking the view described in the manual for the retreats. (I haven't included a direct link to the manual because the link from Step-by-Step's site appears to be broken.)  By first considering God's perspective and the eternal, infinite love for the universe which he created in love - and which, in his love, he desires for each of us to enter - and then allowing God to bring us into the presence of this young girl and angel in Nazareth, we begin to approach the place where we might consider the surprising ways he might be coming to us today. Recognizing each encounter's true nature prepares for us to give our own fiat in response to the circumstances that otherwise annoy and trouble us. And this allows the Holy Spirit to make the Son ever more incarnate in our own lives - conforming us more fully with our King whom we have been considering in the previous step.

Conforming (phase 2), The parable of the Kingdom of Christ (step 7), session 6

Conforming does not mean an external imitation but it expresses the essence of belonging to Christ, as “to be conformed to the image” (Rom 8:29) of the Son. Meanwhile tradition uses the expression Imitatio Christi, “Imitation of Christ” for what we call here conforming, it is not meant to be () a slavish copying Jesus’ words or deeds (nor) a sort of moralizing based on Jesus’ example. - Step by Step Retreats

If reforming is the act of allowing God to remove from our lives the outright sin that has deformed us, conforming must be a matter of embracing Jesus fully, with all of his radical implications in our lives.  I'm not sure the degree to which this is a matter of B following A. Perhaps the two processes end up working back and forth between each other over the course of a lifetime.

And they stripped him and put a scarlet robe upon him, and plaiting a crown of thorns they put it on his head, and put a reed in his right hand. And kneeling before him they mocked him, saying, "Hail, King of the Jews!"- Mt 27, 28-29

Sometimes I forget to think about the sort of King I am following, and what it means to conform to him. It is no accident that we have two consecutive sessions in this step that are taken from accounts of Jesus' Passion. This is how Jesus has won his kingdom to himself, how he defends it from attack, how he tends to his subjects' deepest needs. Even when we are rejecting and mocking him, his love is at work to redeem, reform and conform our lives.

It can feel like a discontinuity to reflect on these things in the season of Advent. But I think it is good, as we seek a fuller coming of Christ into our lives by conforming to him, to remember why he came in the first place, and how he establishes the kingdom that we desire to enter more fully, and what is the means of our participation in that kingdom - or, in another sense, what it means for us to be his conformed subjects.

Conforming (phase 2), The parable of the Kingdom of Christ (step 7), session 3

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up; then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.

"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls, who, on finding one pearl of great value, went and sold all that he had and bought it. 

"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a net which was thrown into the sea and gathered fish of every kind; when it was full, men drew it ashore and sat down and sorted the good into vessels but threw away the bad. So it will be at the close of the age. The angels will come out and separate the evil from the righteous, and throw them into the furnace of fire; there men will weep and gnash their teeth."  - Mt 13, 44-50

I can see why this phase has this title.

In some ways I'm pretty sure that I am not selling all that I have.

In others I'm pretty well convinced it's exactly what I have done.

Perhaps just as no parable can perfectly describe the kingdom of the infinite God, it is certainly true that no finite life can fully conform to it.

But just when I seem to be cutting myself a little bit of slack in my wont to self-judge, I read this sessions third parable with uncertainty concerning what sort of fish I shall ultimately be found to be. I need to remember that I am saved by grace, and trust grace to complete what it has begun.

Reforming (phase 1), Our Personal History of Salvation (step 5), session 7

The reading for today's session is Ps 136, followed by ongoing praise in the same vein involving my personal history of salvation. What a humbling and uplifting way of approaching this!

This is the end of this step that had me so worried at the outset. There has really been no abatement of the emotional turmoil to which I was concerned about adding by doing this step now, but undertaking these sessions hasn't added to that, as I thought it might.

The fact is that God's love is greater than our sin, and knowing our sin honestly and with open eyes just reveals God's love, his grace and mercy, more completely. It is a great temptation and trap to instead become stubborn and arrogant about defining sin for ourselves so that we can feel self-justified. But this keeps us from knowing God's tender care and great compassion.

There is so much more to say about this, but Caesar calls (as does my stomach).

Within the step, but not rushing through it

Since I have my retreat amid the Spiritual Exercises in step with the liturgical calendar now, and with the holidays coming up, and with the step that I'm currently in feeling as if I shouldn't rush through it, I will be spending some time on related writing between sessions.

Today I find myself reflecting on my lifelong self-indulgence and my daughter's (I don't know, probably daughters') focus on appearance. I can't help but believe that the latter is related to the atmosphere I created around our home when they were growing up, and has become a perpetuation of the former. "I'm a wreck, but don't I look great?" seems related to "I'm a wreck but let me escape it for a few minutes in the endorphines." Neither of those approaches deals with the rest of what's going on in our lives, though, and for me, that can be a scary thing to face.

I know that I am called to love and build up my bride, and I know that our choice of each other has resulted in a couple who share very few interests in common. I have long run from the latter aspect of our reality somewhat, because I have discovered so little that I can really do about it. I can only embrace her interests so much, and I know that it is the same for her, and we have found so little that we enjoy in common. I feel fortunate that we still love each other so deeply despite this, and that the frustration that each of us feels to varying degrees at different times does not overwhelm our love with a desire to turn away, to seek greater compatibility outside of each other.

I suppose it's also helpful that my own interests don't consume my attention to such a degree that I am able to just throw myself into them and let a gulf grow between us. Yet that hasn't kept me from feeling a void in my life that I have, until fairly lately, continued to fill in the same way I have always escaped from the unpleasantness in my life. I may no longer indulge that so destructively as he taught me to, but it has nonetheless remained a way of escaping for a while into something that consumes me.

It seems as if this personal history of salvation step may provide a means to see how my past echoes somewhat in my present, even if far removed from the level of harmfulness that used to be there. I'm grateful that the boundaries I put in place - with my therapists' help - have become so strong that they continue to fulfill their purpose, and I am grateful that God is leading me to progress even further from them as he calls me further up and further in.

The holiness and wholeness to which God is calling me is so much more than I have allowed him to immerse me in thus far. I seem to be finding in these Exercises an approach that doesn't feel like an interior battle.

Reforming (phase 1), Our Personal History of Salvation (step 5), session 1

“Mind-fasting” is the central technique of the Christotherapy together with the complementary “spirit-feasting.” - Tyrrell, Christotherapy as quoted by Step-by-Step Retreats

I first read this and cringed. It was not the first part of this step's overview that provoked this response in me. I find the idea of revisiting what God has delivered me from intimidating, especially in my current emotional dynamic. But I am going to trust that God will continue to supply my every need, including not letting me get bogged down in an unhealthy place.

But when I first read this, I thought of mind-fasting vs. spirit feasting as something that was likely to be utterly beyond me. My mind chews on things incessantly; I know I am more introspective and analytical than is likely good for me. Then I read on:

It means an emptying the mind from the thoughts, attitudes and desires discerned as harmful, a letting go of the destructive tendencies by the help of the Holy Spirit and sort of replacing it with authentic, life-giving inspirations and feelings. - ibid.

and I realized that I have already begun this process. We'll see where the Lord takes it.

Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, working death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. - Rom 7, 13

I had to fight against misunderstanding this when I was going through (and putting our family through) our personal tribulation. It was not the good thing that I had done that was causing the terrible circumstances we were experiencing. Rather, these were the result of the wrong I'd done, the brokenness in me that needed to be made whole. I was not being punished for confronting my sin, but the nature of confronting my sin meant dealing with things that had been previously swept under the rug to putrify.

Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! - Rom 7, 34-35a

Thanks be to God indeed, that as I read verse 34a I am not overwhelmed by it as I have so often and so long been.

Reforming (phase 1), Existential Experience of the History of Salvation (step 4), session 3

There is much that struck me in Jeremiah 5, the reading for this session. I suppose the biggest thing is how the beginning of this chapter corrects a misconception I had about Old Testament teaching. I thought that one of the things that was unique about Jesus' teaching was the idea that the rich are not necessarily favored by God. But even this reading from Jeremiah makes clear that at least one prophet of old proclaimed that neither poorness nor richness alone is indicative of our standing with God. Sinfulness is a universal scourge to which rich and poor alike are prone.

But despite the universality of sin among humankind, God doesn't give up on us. Rather, he has provided for our restoration, even before we are ready to walk in it.

Reforming (phase 1), Existential Experience of the History of Salvation (step 4), session 1

First of all, this step is a mouthful.

Secondly, it and the next step are a review of areas which I have given much attention. But I trust in God to use them to bring me the growth that he desires for me.

Sin is not just a dialectical opposite of grace; it is not a trick of God’s love that He uses to show us our poverty and creaturehood so He can then show us how merciful He is. Sin in itself does not demand grace! And therefore, Christian existence is not a dialectical unity of sin and grace; rather, it is a road of decision from darkness to light, according to which the situation of each of us must be judged - Karl Rahner, Spiritual Exercises, as quoted by Step-by-Step Retreats in Step 4:  Existential Experience of the History of Salvation 

I suppose there has been a bit of a movement to view sin itself as either a means or an inseparable obverse of grace. In this view, ultimately my individual sin and our collective sinfulness are both God's fault. St. Ignatius clearly does not hold to this view any more than I do. This step will focus on the general fallen state of humankind; the next will hone in on my individual sin.

It seems to me that both of these steps will have to constantly present salvific grace as the answer to sin.

For if God did not spare the angels when they sinned, but cast them into hell and committed them to pits of nether gloom to be kept until the judgment; if he did not spare the ancient world, but preserved Noah, a herald of righteousness, with seven other persons, when he brought a flood upon the world of the ungodly; if by turning the cities of Sodom and Gomor'rah to ashes he condemned them to extinction and made them an example to those who were to be ungodly; and if he rescued righteous Lot, greatly distressed by the licentiousness of the wicked (for by what that righteous man saw and heard as he lived among them, he was vexed in his righteous soul day after day with their lawless deeds), then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trial, and to keep the unrighteous under punishment until the day of judgment, and especially those who indulge in the lust of defiling passion and despise authority.  - 2 Pet 2, 4-10

We can choose sin or we can choose grace. We cannot choose both. God's great desire is for our good, but he will not force that choice on us. But just because, by grace, I have repented of one sin or a series of them more destructive than those which I may still indulge, I must not conclude that the sin that remains is of no concern.