Forsaking a plan

My desire to watch the programs we like together isn't working. You just watch what you want when you want to, leaving me no opportunity to either share in them with you or to catch up on them (because you're always watching something else).

Needing a new approach - not for the television; I don't care about the programs. For us.

Another way of looking at it:

Steve Smith posted his first multi-TD game since Cam Newton's debut (2011). Smith has as many multi-TD games with Joe Flacco as he had in three years with Newton. - ESPN NFL Power Rankings, week 5

Or: it took Smith four times as many games to get his first multi-TD game with Flacco as it took with Newton. As it happens, I think Flacco is the better QB, but still.

More on humility

If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are. - Mother Teresa, as quoted on my Facebook timeline

I suppose it is also not humble to be afraid of what I am.

Listening: Step one, session two

At that time Jesus declared, "I thank thee, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that thou hast hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to babes; yea, Father, for such was thy gracious will. All things have been delivered to me by my Father; and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and any one to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. 

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." - Mt 11, 25-30

It is no accident that both Jesuits and Benedictines start their journeys with an emphasis on listening to God with the heart:

L I S T E N  carefully, my child, to your master's precepts, and incline the ear of your heart. - Prov 4, 20, as quoted at the beginning of the Prologue of the Rule of St. Benedict

This session starts with a reminder of how misplaced my spiritual pride has been. (I have a feeling that this journey is going to be another painful one, as growth so often is. I suppose that's the chief reason we so rarely grow.)  But there is no room for this underlying tendency I have had to take affirmation from my ability to "get it," whatever the latest "it" is. I pray that it will not take a humiliation (in the traditional sense of the word) for me to receive the humility to which God is calling me. No one can know anything except by the grace of God, and I am certainly not the shining exception to that truth.

I have always viewed this passage as a bit of a non sequitur, But for me, now, this second paragraph flows from the first.  My challenge is to trust in God rather than trust in me and attribute it to God. The latter is my modus operandi; after all, I'm pretty good at figuring out what I need and what I need to do.  But this approach keeps me perpetually in the middle of a war between my own will and what I know to be God's. There's nothing easy about that yoke!

So I am hoping that this first journey through these Exercises will help break my prideful insistence on self-dependency and my need for the approval of others, and will replace them with a gentle, restful trust in God.

Exercises - the first step, session one

For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and return not thither but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes forth from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and prosper in the thing for which I sent it. "For you shall go out in joy, and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands." Is 55, 10-12

They had better, for I often find that I cannot.

But that is the purpose of embarking upon this retreat. My participation in my prayer life has too long been a matter of how I feel rather than simply waiting faithfully upon God. I am more than my feelings, whatever they may be. And I am more than my tendency to engage in pride, to impress with my insight.

Even my blogging can be that, though this is now for me just a place where I can retrace my steps along these exercises. If I should borrow Miss Manners' term - Gentle Reader - I must first associate these words with myself, for whom they have often been not terribly accurate.

Lord, allow your word to water me, to make this dry seed bring forth and sprout. Let my entire soul join the mountains and the hills in song, and the trees in claps of rhythm and praise to your glory.

Rooting it out

Take, O Lord, and receive my entire liberty, my memory, my understanding and my whole will. All that I am and all that I possess You have given me: I surrender it all to You to be disposed of according to Your will. Give me only Your love and Your grace; with these I will be rich enough, and will desire nothing more. Amen. - St. Ignatius of Loyola

It is time to allow God to root out this dissatisfaction that I have welcomed as a long-term companion.

I am afraid of falling short, but I plan to begin the Spiritual Exercises this evening.

But as it happens, this may be the perfect time in my life for them. In the past, I think I would have felt as if this was something I was doing (i.e. of myself) rather than something God is doing in me.

Today's words

fainéant \fay-nay-AHN\ - idle and ineffectual : indolent

I doubt I'll ever use this word. I just hope I can recall it if I ever see it in use.

Götterdämmerung \gher-ter-DEM-uh-roong\ - a collapse (as of a society or regime) marked by catastrophic violence and disorder; broadly : downfall

I knew the meaning, in a general sense, thanks to Wagner, but I had the pronunciation wrong. Also, the first part of the etymology was obvious, but I hadn't an inkling of the the second part. 

chuckwalla \ˈchək-ˌwä-lə\ - a large herbivorous lizard (Sauromalus obesus) of the iguana family of desert regions of the southwestern United States

I have stopped redoing pronunciations for consistency when some come from the WOTD (such as the first two of this post) and others from the general www.m-w.com site word lookup, such as this one from today's Dictionary Devil puzzle. I might have heard this word and had a sense that it is an animal, but definitely wasn't picturing a lizard.

Converting the darkness

In My Only Friend is Darkness, Living the Night of Faith, Barbara Dent talks about St. John of the Cross's approach to the spiritual elements of the seven deadly sins. These obstacles to deeper spirituality often remain long after the sins themselves are gone.

As I was reading this chapter on Friday, I was a little dismayed as I read about the spiritual characteristics of the first of these, and found it uncomfortably applicable to me. Each sin's spiritual description was about a page long, and I moved onto the second one hoping to find that I only had the one weak area to work on. It took only a few sentences to realize that, no, I had entirely too much of this spiritual tendency remaining, too. I was hopeful, though, as I read through the third one, until about two thirds of the way through it when I saw that this one, too, was leaving its mark on my spirituality.

So it went through the spiritual roots of wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony. So much for the last three decades having brought me any degree of spiritual maturity. But then I also suppose that trying to apply that concept to ourselves is inherently prideful.

How we each love

If either of us were to die today (yeah, it's autumn and I'm being morbid), I am convinced of a couple things:

• We'd each feel pretty confident we had loved the other as well as we could, and that would be true.
• You would be more sad over my absence from your life, whereas I would be more sad over not loving you as well as you deserved, even though I love you with my entire will.

mystery

God, how can it sometimes be so easy to do what you want but simultaneously so hard to hope it will result in lasting joy?

"Thumper?"

"Yes mama?"
"What did your father tell you this morning?"
"If you can't say something nice . . . don't say nothin' at all."

So is just quoting that a violation of it?

It isn't that I want to say something not nice about anyone in my life, mind you.

here they come

my annual autumn feels.

they're tinged with dark shades of lonely and hopeless this year.

Today's words

teleological \tel-ee-uh-LAH-jih-kul, tee-\ - exhibiting or relating to design or purpose especially in nature

First of all, how odd that someone forgot the definition in today's WOTD article. Secondly, this is the second time in recent days that the alternate pronunciation I'd expect was also omitted. finally, while I was somewhat familiar with this word, I'm not sure I quite understood its meaning. 

syllepsis \suh-LEP-sis\ - 1. the use of a word to modify or govern syntactically two or more words with only one of which it formally agrees in gender, number, or case  2. the use of a word in the same grammatical relation to two adjacent words in the context with one literal and the other metaphorical in sense.

I was so grateful that the Did You Know part of this write-up ultimately addressed the first definition, because both examples and the beginning of the DYK were all about the second. So I love syllepsis when used as in the second definition, and it drives me right up the wall when I encounter it in the first sense. 

gault \ˈgȯlt\ - chiefly British :  a heavy thick clay soil

And one I didn't recognize from today's Dictionary Devil.

Such great little learners

Unfortunately, based on (at least) their mother's example, they have learned to hate mornings, at least sometimes.

Today's words

esurient \ih-SUR-ee-unt\ - hungry, greedy

Maybe this is my problem.

aphelion \a-FEEL-yun, ap-HEEL-yun\ - the point in the path of a celestial body (such as a planet) that is farthest from the sun

I knew this one. Or, I had an "Oh, yeah" moment when I saw the definition, and immediately connected it with its antonym perihelion before reading the write-up. I don't know why they didn't include the alternate pronunciation from their own definition of the word, though, in the WOTD article; I will almost certainly always pronounce it this way.

I wasn't asking . . .

. . . for your permission to stop in for a drink at our daughter's workplace, nor for your feedback on whether you thought it was a good idea. I was asking only if you needed me to come straight home. For you to answer in the affirmative when what you really meant was that you didn't want me to stop or that you didn't think it was a good idea was disingenuous and controlling. Even if it turns out that she is glad I didn't drop in, which I will grant you is a real possibility and which I would have been willing to consider in the first place had you raised it, I'm angry at you about this incident.

Today's words

velar \VEE-ler\ - 1. formed with the back of the tongue touching or near the soft palate 2. of, forming, or relating to a velum and especially the soft palate

I may have encountered this word before, but I was uncertain about it's pronunciation.

spalpeen \spal-ˈpēn, spȯl-\ - rascal

An Irish term from today's Dictionary Devil puzzle.

The illusion of progress

An observation:

A day of sobriety is better than a day of inebriation, and a day of being engaged with your family is better than a day apart from them, but we shouldn't mistake either thing for growth. They may be just another day in the same old behavioral cycle, depending on how you've approached them.

I think back - decades, now, thankfully - to the days when I evaluated every day in terms of whether I had offended, not understanding the nature of cycles; not seeing how lasting, healthy change was beyond my own capacity to carry out; not comprehending that my fundamental approach to life was an inseparable part of the problem.

But cycle-dwellers rarely have a sense of the overarching patterns of our lives. I am so grateful to be free of mine. 

Today's words

A bunch of new ones since I last had time to post words:

hegemony \hih-JEM-uh-nee\ -1. dominant influence or authority over others  2. the social, cultural, ideological, or economic influence exerted by a dominant group

One of those words I've always had "close enough" by context when I've encountered it. I was mentally mispronouncing it, though.

grubstake \GRUB-stayk\ - to provide with material assistance (as a loan) for launching an enterprise or for a person in difficult circumstances

This one is pretty intuitive. Also, I had no idea that nugget was such a linguistic newcomer. 

lido \LEE-doh\ - a fashionable beach resort

This one was completely new for me.

aleatory \AY-lee-uh-tor-ee\ - characterized by chance or random elements

When I saw this word on the WOTD list, I was trying to figure out which bodily function it might be related to. Not even close. But that may have been influenced by seeing yesterday's word in the list, too.

divarication \dye-vair-uh-KAY-shun\ - 1. the action, process, or fact of spreading apart  2. a divergence of opinion

It seems like this one must be under some dusty neurons somewhere in my cranium.

Crystal clarity long gone

I woke up this morning with a clear vision of what I wanted to post about my current circumstances, determined to take my first opportunity to capture and share those incisive thoughts.

Here is my first opportunity.

What thoughts?

i'm exhausted.

I must invoke . . .

. . . my previous post when what I want to do is use a couple hours of vacation go home early and have a nap, only there isn't really any way to go rest there.

Remembering to breathe

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Cor 12 : 9-10

Yep. It doesn't matter how tired I get or how put-upon I feel. God's strength will carry me through, as long as I will rely on him.

Today's (not new) words

rathskeller \RAHT-skel-er\ - a usually basement tavern or restaurant

The Rathskeller was an eatery/pub in the Student Union building when I attended Wright State University. I didn't know the exact etymology, though it was obviously of German origin. As a commuter student with a family, I didn't often frequent "The Rat."

I'm not going to include the definition of Monday's word, the quite common culprit, but I found its etymology interesting, as well as its surprising magical relative.

When it rains

Our middle daughter left her last job under mysterious (to us) circumstances, and therefore didn't leave with health insurance, and is working a temp job.

And has to go to the hospital. To the point that her GI doctor's office sent the police to her apartment to tell her to go.

Ugh.

Watching a journey toward healing

Can't really share about it, as it isn't my journey. But it's still encouraging to see.

Nobody has asked me, but:

What do I think about the latest Ray Rice news?

• I think what Ray did was reprehensible. 
• I think there's good reason why the justice process is not generally played out in the public eye. Everyone is distraught about this assault, which was bad. But the police see way worse domestic violence every. single. day.  Should it be that way? No, of course not. In one sense I am glad of the outcry: we should feel offended.
• I've never been more glad that my own worst moment can't be broadcast nationally.
• I'm completely tired of people's self-righteous indignation. Our lack of grace is appalling.

I knew a guy once who served six consecutive weekends for what I heard him describe as "beating the crap out of my old lady." This was a misdemeanor conviction, and the dude was no celebrity. He didn't get the same diversion program as what Ray is in, as our state doesn't believe in programs that leave no conviction record, but he was able to serve his time in a way that let him keep his job and provide for his family. I'm pretty confident Ray didn't get more lenient or severe treatment from the state because of being a football player. What: he shouldn't have been eligible for the program because he's famous?

The more commentary I read on this - professional and otherwise - the angrier I get. Most of it has just been self-righteousness dressed up as righteous indignation.

If my son-in-law ever faces his issues as he needs to, I hope I respond to him with more compassion than Ray is getting. Now the Ravens have cut Ray. I hope he and his wife can get on with their lives, healing what they need to and becoming the people they need to be.

Items that struck me this summer

How legalization is affecting the black market

"'Woman in Black' reaches destination. Police ask people to respect her privacy." Thousands of FB users ignore request by linking to article.

"'It sort of reinforces the notion that Alex committed no crime, number one,' Tacopina said."  (a Rodriguez lawyer, re: the Biogenesis arrests)  Geez. Logic-impaired people should just. shut. up. And weren't we supposed to have *one* season where we didn't have to hear his name?  (I just made that worse, didn't I? Sorry.)

Inspiring story about Erik Compton, in part

This post I saw about how to anger four sets of geeks. (Which I just love, as a definite fan of three of these and  appreciator of the fourth.)

great

i guess i'm a father figure again. peachy.

at least i can't screw up as badly as last time.

right?

That explains a lot, actually

Things I got right as a dad:

It's probably time for me to do this, not as a way of dismissing my failures but of acknowledging that maybe they aren't the whole story:

• Modeled how to respond after misdeeds, even horrible ones.
• Never regretted not having a son. I read today about a dad upset about the pending birth of his third daughter. That's what inspired this post, btw.
• Shared my faith; even if I also undermined theirs, at least I modeled its importance in practical ways.
• Loved their mom. My girls know how a loving husband acts.

I started this yesterday as an exercise in self-affirmation, but it doesn't feel that way so much now.

Today's words

In the m-w.com Game of the Day rotation, there are a couple reasons why the Dictionary Devil (link is to most recent DD) is my favorite. First, it provides an occasional challenge. But mostly, it is because I frequently learn a word I didn't previously know, and I get to learn the meaning in the course of solving the puzzle. Today included two I didn't know:

moulage \mü-ˈläzh\ - 1. an impression or cast made for use especially as evidence in a criminal investigation 2. the taking of an impression for use as evidence in a criminal investigation

This word sounds vaguely familiar to me. Perhaps I heard it in an episode of one of the various CSI series.

montero \män-ˈter-(ˌ)ō\ - a round hunter's cap with ear flaps

This one also seems familiar, but if I'd encountered this one and guessed its meaning from context, it would have taken a considerable amount of context for me to have visualized the type of cap they were talking about. The etymology helps, though, and for me evokes very fond memories of that National Charismatic Conference in 1988 after my sister's death, where I learned to sing ¡Alabare!, including this verse:

¡Y esos montes se moveran mas con Su Santo Espiritu!

This was such a powerful weekend for me, a time of spiritual healing and grace, of being set free from the burden of guilt over how I might have played a role in influencing the kind of decisions that led to her death. I will forever love the grotto at Notre Dame.

Oh, and the next word in the dictionary is funny! (Well, not when you're experiencing it.)

Word play

If I'm correctly interpreting the second level on which the title of QC comic 2784 works, then it's a little ironic and scary that this second level should be related to the overlooked biggest reason on the same day I wrote this post.

(Do you see what I did with this post title?)

Missing the biggest reason

So someone I know posted a link to this article on an ultra-liberal, twenty-something, sex-focused website, which should be taken with a grain of salt simply as a result of its source. I mean, when one article is naively titled Losing A Parent Is The Worst Heartbreak, and others deal with things like sex with the boss, nude selfies, how an open marriage arrangement showed a woman what she really needed, well, the entire website should just be ignored.

But I hadn't yet seen the rest of the site's contents when I followed this one link, and my immediate reaction was: Geez, you've completely missed the biggest reason. Now that I see that these articles mostly appear to be written by worldly young people, I am not at all surprised; they simply lack the experience to know more.

The gift of grief

It occurs to me that heartrending grief is a gift by which God provides us the slightest glimpse of his love for each of his beloved sons and daughters. This should be the context in which we understand Jesus' entire human life and all of salvation history.

The fact is that God will never have the sort of need for us that we often have for our loved ones, which drives so much of our grief. God is complete without us. Yet God's love for us is somehow simultaneously infinitely more even in the absence of need than ours is as motivated by need. God's ache for us for our sake is somehow greater for us than our ache for our lost loved ones, which is so often for our own sake, and naturally and understandably so.

But our loss is compounded by not knowing - at best daring to believe - what our eternal destiny in relation to our loved ones might be. It seems to me that God's grief on our behalf must be even greater when he has seen that one of his beloved ones will choose to separate him- or herself from him for all eternity.

One of the things . . .

. . . that I need to let go of is that mini-mourning that comes whenever someone posts a delicious-looking recipe that makes my mouth water for just a second, until I realize that I am never going to taste it.

But I suppose that this is not too different from the many things after which we lust - a word that should not always have the sexual overtones with which we have almost exclusively associated it.

The answer

I will choose Christ
I will choose love
I choose to serve - Tom Booth, I Will Choose Christ

There are so many other things to fix my sight upon. This alone brings peace.

"What if it turns out that, at the end, you just end up as worm food? Won't you have wasted your life? Think of all you'll have missed out on!" cry the fearful masses.

"Then I will have lived and loved as well as I can, I suppose. Where is the waste in that?" either I reply or the Holy Spirit replies from within me.

Control

Mary is the model of discipleship in her total availability to the will of God. - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus, Death on a Friday Afternoon

Fr. Neuhaus has made some statements in his reflection on Jesus' words to Mary and John from the cross and what they mean to us that build to a truth that slaps me in the face. But I want to respond to the buildup a bit.  This first statement isn't too stunning. After all, Mary has been upheld as the ultimate model of humble obedience throughout Church history.

She had no business of her own. - ibid.

Well, most women of her day had no business of their own save the running of their households, so this is not so unusual.

She was always on call. - ibid.

But this probably was pretty rare, especially to this degree. Here are some more details of what that meant for her, practically:

To the angel's announcement she says, "Let it be done as you say." She was dependent on others, on Joseph, for example, and now on John. By saying yes to the angel and agreeing to be mother to the Messiah, she created a situation beyond her control. - ibid.

Again, many aspects of Hebrew women's lives were beyond their control in that day and age, and I'm pretty confident that Mary didn't understand just how much control of her life she was relinquishing beyond what most of her peers would expect. As an unwed mother, her potential shaming was highly likely.

Who was to pick up the pieces? God provides by sending an angel to say, "Joseph, do not fear to take Mary as your wife." - ibid.

How much of God's selection of Mary to be the mother of Jesus was also wrapped up in Joseph's availability and willingness to be his stepfather? There is a really great point coming, but I don't want to jump ahead to it . . .

Now once again at the cross she is alone in the world. God provides. "'Son, behold your mother.' And from that hour John took her to his own home." - ibid.

God has a plan, and we can't see it all. But here comes a paradox:

In her total availability to God, Mary is totally independent and totally dependent upon God's providing. - ibid.

Yes, our true independence is directly proportional to our willingness to depend on God's perfect providence. We often elevate our stewardship of the gifts God has provided to the level of idolatry, putting our self-sufficiency upon a pillar. Now, here's the kicker:

True availability to God overcomes the fear of being dependent on others, because God provides. It is our determination to be independent by being in control that makes us unavailable to God. - ibid.

Ouch.

I run into this wall over. and over. and over again. I am so insistent on trying to control my life, my circumstances, my relationships. Ugh. I am tired of all this.

Today's words

repugn \rih-PYOON\ - to contend against : oppose

I had an inkling of this due to its relationship to impugn.

cap-a-pie \kap-uh-PEE\ - from head to foot

This one makes sense, when I think about it, which I hadn't.

Oh, there was also a WOTD over the extended weekend that I had discovered in a previous thread of new words.

Of course it's silly, but:

It always feels a little like a rejection when you choose to chill out with the tv instead, but sometimes more so than others. Have it your way.