A break that I didn't have time to notice

Just noticed that I went 5 days between posts.  I'm not going to look back, but that was probably the first time this year I had such a long break.  It was such a nice time, I wish I'd captured more of it.  Maybe I'll have time later to pick a couple of nice thoughts from it; I can think of a couple things I'd like to record to look back over in the future.

Very weird, and not quite fear

I know what fear and paranoia feel like.  I know their physical manifestations: the increased heart rate, the cold extremities, the physical edginess, the fight or flight posture.  My therapists made sure of that because so much of abuser's dynamics have their roots in deeply-seated fear and they can never really break their cycle without recognizing it so they can respond differently to it.

So what the hell was last night?  I had none of those indicators going on.  I just thought there was an outside chance that infection would take hold of me in the night.  If I died, I was confident I'd be going home into God's loving arms, or if I'm wrong about that, have my consciousness utterly vanish and my body rot into worm food.  Still, I didn't want it to happen, was sure enough that it wasn't happening that I didn't think I needed to make a visit to the ER, but wanted to keep an eye on things to make sure they didn't deteriorate.  And I wanted to make sure I didn't leave any loose ends with the one on earth I'm closest to.  Geez, if I had actually died after a small argument over something so trivial, she'd have felt terrible!

Now, to get the new day going, and leave the weird emotional infection of the night behind.

Today's word

fugacious \fyoo-GAY-shus\ adj. : lasting a short time : evanescent

Let me get this straight:

If it turned out that this arm was getting severely infected, and I ended up losing consciousness and dying tonight without our ever exchanging another word, you'd rather have the last thing we ever said to each other be a fight over something that small than an apology?

Fuck you.

That isn't what I would want my last words to you to be, though.  I love you anyway, and I forgive you.  If I were a better man, I'd strike the two-word paragraph above completely.  I'm sorry.  You deserved better. You've always deserved better than you've gotten from me

If I were to die without ever speaking to you again, I'd sure hope that someone who reads what I share here would let you know about this, so that you would have the comfort of knowing I didn't go to my grave angry with you, but loving you.

(cue Statler Brothers' tune)

A paktong lining

The one advantage of the maddening itch of this extreme case of contact dermatitis I'm battling is that it has given me a chance to blog a little in the wee hours of the morning while I wait for the latest dose of Benadryl to knock me back out.

The unfortunate results of my now-blistering allergic reaction include my loss of sleep, my forfeiture of a few hours of my aunt's company, and a need to call my doctor early in the morning to find out what he wants to do for me.  This is so bad he may want me to come in for a shot, I think.  I have never had so bad a case of this before, and I don't seem able to think of anything else.

Still, I want to give thanks for the wonderful company we had over the weekend, and lift up prayers for those whom I know need it.  I'm so grateful that the Bryans were interested in buying our concert tickets; even though I would have liked to give them to them, it was nice to recoup most of our investment in them. I'm hopeful that Cathy will experience the healing she needs, either miraculously or medically.  Her surgery is scheduled just past mid-June.

Cassie and Nic's friend who was injured in Afghanistan is apparently back in ICU following a seizure.  What a tough road he and his family have already traveled, and there are still more challenges ahead for them.

And Lord, on a much smaller note, if you would please provide healing for this allergic reaction in the way that best glorifies you, I will be sure as always to share the wonderful thing you have done for me.  For I know that your love makes the worthless precious, and the mundane glorious.

paktong - (Argenten, nickel silver, German silver) an alloy of copper with nickel and zinc.

Memorial Day

(written on 6/2, with a post date of 5/28)


Sunday night I was miserably itchy, and slept extremely poorly as a result.  I was determined to try to sleep as long as possible this morning, and decided to skip Memorial Day Mass.  But once everyone was up and about getting ready, there wasn't any point in trying to stay in bed.  I got up about 20 minutes before the service and managed to be ready in time to be there, though that precluded any possibility of participating in the music ministry.  I was pretty irritable, too, from the physical discomfort and lack of sleep.  I was annoyed I hadn't gotten an early-morning ride in as I'd wanted, knowing it would have made the physical effect of the allergy reaction even worse.  I was glad I went to Mass, though I missed playing all the great guitar-oriented pieces that were on the menu.

I came home and napped for a while, then begged off the get-together at our friends' house who'd just gotten back from their out-of-town wedding.  I just didn't want to be that far away from home if the itchies kicked in again, which they did after everyone was gone for about an hour.  I watched a Mythbusters or two in their absence.   But the worse than missing the party and worse than being so physically uncomfortable was missing out on this last evening with my aunt.  She was really understanding about it, but still. I was disappointed.  She's going home tomorrow, and I'm going to try to get in to see the doctor.  It's pretty obvious that my body is going to need some chemical assistance to fight off this allergic reaction.

Pentecost: Flash Mob!

(written on 6/2, with a posting date of 5/27)

When one of our cantors suggested that it might be nice to start our Pentecost prelude from the congregation, we weren't entirely sure how well it would work, let alone how it might be received even if it went well.  But we knew we'd need additional voices to pull it off.  Our choir is just too small to be considered any kind of mob.  So we all eagerly went about recruiting additional voices whom we could be confident could at least hold a tune.  At Wednesday's rehearsal, I was still skeptical.  We probably had about ten extra folks there, but I knew we'd need more to make it really work, and we were missing some of our regulars.  Still, even the rehearsal went well enough for us to tell that this could really be special.

Come, Holy Spirit! Come!

I was so excited to learn that Teri's sister and brother-in-law would be here in time for it.  They were originally planning to arrive during the week for their goddaughter's husband's graduation from the police academy, but the cousins they were to visit along the way were called out of town due to a brother's illness. On Sunday morning, we probably had about ten additional new singers, plus all of our regulars there.  We ran through the melody and the staging with them, and finished our rehearsing far earlier than usual.  Everyone took their places among the congregation except the director and I - the guitar kept me tethered in place.

As the soloist started singing and making his way forward from the back of the church, I saw our pastor about halfway up the aisle look over in my direction.  I'd soloed on the same piece at the previous mass, but was just playing at this point.  When the soloist walked past him, he turned around and looked over his shoulder, completely taken by surprise.  We were just getting started.  As we began the refrain, the rest of us began singing.  One group stood for the first phrase, another for the second, and finally the rest of the group for the latter half of the refrain.  The congregation was indeed surprised, and most of them stood, as well.

While the soloist sang the second verse, the "mobsters" worked their way forward to the choir area, mostly arriving in time to begin the harmonies on the second refrain.  We were all in place for the harmonized crescendo of the bridge, and finished the final refrain and coda strongly.  It went extremely well, and was quite uplifting and, more importantly, very well received!

The rest of the day was not quite what we'd planned.  We'd begged off of one party invitation because of our guests, and the one to which they'd have been welcome was cancelled.  So we enjoyed a casual day of hanging out, concluding with a trip to Graeter's to use the ice cream gift cards that the extras had gotten for their participation in the flash mob.  If only the poison ivy on my arms wasn't getting worse . . .

How I spent my wife's birthday . . .

. . . (or, "The worst is yet to come!")

(written on 6/2, with a post date of 5/26, so some hindsight included)

With the air conditioning fixed, we were able to turn our attention this morning to the yard work we wanted to get done. We got our vegetables and herbs planted last week, but there was still plenty of overgrowth to be dealt with along the fence in back, with the wild grape vines wilder than ever.  And we were also overdue to mow again, with my mower on the fritz after I thought we'd fixed it. We arranged to borrow some yard tools - including a mower - from a friend who's out of town for a wedding, so while my wife and aunt headed out to the market to start the day, I started in on the vines.

The day definitely had a full slate.  Folks were supposed to start arriving around 4 for the party.  I promised tri-tips and cheesecake; we picked the former up yesterday from the grocery, my aunt made the cheesecake in our hot kitchen before they got the a/c fixed, and a chocolate dump cake was on the agenda for today.  My sister-in-law and our friends from Nebraska were slated to arrive this afternoon, and the latter thought they were going to have to park their camper trailer in our driveway, as they weren't able to get a campground reservation anywhere for Memorial Day weekend.

So I went out to get an early start on the yard work, and was really glad I did.  It didn't cool down very much last night, and didn't take long to start heating up again.  I used the hedge trimmer to take down the severely overgrown grape vines, and wouldn't realize my miscalculation about them until later in the day.  I completely forgot that we used to have poison ivy along that fence. The full extent of that mistake would become apparent over the coming days.

I got the grass cut, including the vines I'd just taken down, and got cooled down and showered in plenty of time to be back on track for dinner.  Soaked the wood chips for the tri-tips, rubbed the meat down with salt, pepper, and garlic powder, and everything was in pretty good shape when my wife's sister and brother-in-law arrived.  There was time for us to share a drink before the other guests arrived.  I didn't want to subject our other friends to another drinking party when they'd just been such good sports for our wine and cheese get together the previous weekend.  Our local friends arrived shortly thereafter, and the meat was finished in time for us to eat at a quite reasonable time.  Our Nebraska friends ended up getting into the campground on base, so dropped off their trailer before they came to join us a little further into the evening.

It was a really nice get together.  Our choir director and I compared notes on not having used either of the recipes we'd exchanged last summer - I'd fix my part of that soon enough.  I got out the new guitar and picked a little.  About 9 in the evening, I started to notice the telltale signs of the poison ivy I'd forgotten all about.  At first I thought I'd gotten it from another spot in the yard, in which case I couldn't have gotten very much exposure.  It would be at least another two days before I realized where I really got it from, and how deeply I'd gotten into it, and what a bad omen it was that the reaction started to appear less than 12 hours after the exposure.  Fortunately it was mostly on my arms, with just a little exposure on my legs that would show up about a day later.  A miserable few days was coming.

Still the day was very nice.  Oh, and last night, while we were at the fabric shop before going out for supper, I bought the mrs. the new sewing machine she's been pining for.  She really seems to like it, though, as of this writing, I'm not sure she has plugged it in yet.

The air conditioning panic

(Blogged on 6/2, but dated for the day it occurred.)

It has been gradually warming over the last few days, the first test of the air conditioner of the new season.  By Thursday it was clear it was completely on the fritz.  We could tell we had some sort of problem last week, which we'd been able to resolve temporarily by switching from "auto" mode to "cool" or vice versa.  We started getting concerned when we couldn't find a working phone number for the folks we bought the system from.  Fortunately our church maintenance folks had a way to get hold of them, as they'd put in the system there, too.  We first called on Wednesday, finding out that the guy who'd sold us the system wasn't working with the company full time anymore, was in fact doing another kind of primary work, and the guy who'd taken over his accounts wasn't able to get to us, but we weren't sure how big a problem we had as of yet.  Wednesday evening things started heating up, and it got hotter in the house than it should have, so by yesterday morning when the house didn't even cool down overnight, we definitely knew we had a problem.  When we called the guy back, he said he was working his way back toward this part of town and would stop by in the afternoon.  By the time he got here it was mid-80's in the house.  Of course, we lived with this sort of thing all the time when we were kids, but with big window fans to pull air through and keep things ventilated if not exactly cool. 

My wife had been making the phone calls to this point, but I wanted to be here to hear what the problem was, so left work a little early.  My aunt had arrived yesterday morning, and it was a good excuse to cut a few minutes from the end of the work day to spend more of the evening with her, anyway.  On my way home, my wife called to let me know he was leaving without it being fixed.  Fortunately I have a very short commute, and I was almost there.  

He pulled me aside and explained that we have "a really high-end system."  We knew that because of the great deal we'd gotten on it the previous year, and had no idea that would ever be a negative feature!  But he didn't have the proper equipment to troubleshoot it on his truck, he explained, not needing to also mention that he clearly lacked much familiarity with it, as well.  He would get back in touch with the guy who sold us the system, and he assured me that they'd be back the next day.  Going back into the house, I saw that he disabled even the limited cooling capacity we'd been trying to take advantage of, which I understood was to prevent further damage to the system.  It was a good thing that we'd already had plans to be out the rest of the evening.  We set up a box fan in the window to pull some fresh air through, and proceeded with our plans.  Fortunately it was cool enough with low enough humidity to keep things from becoming so uncomfortable as to have much of a negative effect on our sleep.

This morning I kept checking with my wife to see if she'd heard more from him, and though she'd tried to call a couple times, she hadn't been able to reach him.  I was now beginning to panic, as in addition to my aunt visiting we had my sister-in-law and her husband coming into town the next day, as well as dear friends passing back through on their way home to Nebraska.  We have a get together - a sort of "non-birthday" party for Teri - planned for tomorrow afternoon and evening, and with the forecast high temperatures I could see the whole thing falling apart into a hot, miserable sauna.  Home for lunch, I grabbed the phone number and decided to call back from work, just in case the guy was ducking my wife's calls for some reason.  He answered on the second ring, and his rapid speech when I told him who I was somewhat confirmed my concern, but only a little.  He explained that he was still trying to get with the guy who sold us the system and promised me that he'd be back before the end of the day.  Still, he'd given my wife the impression the previous afternoon that he might have difficulty getting parts if he needed them before the weekend.  I was afraid he was going to come back, troubleshoot for five minutes to isolate the problem, then leave us broken the entire holiday weekend with a house full of company until being able to get parts on Tuesday.  

Instead, true to his word, he showed up around the end of the day with two other guys, and they figured out what was wrong.  There was a part that was stuck but not broken, which they were able to restore to normal operation, at least for cooling.  It should probably be replaced in the long term, but that won't be a problem at least until we need to switch back to heat pump mode.  Phew.  By the time we got back from dinner the house was much cooler, and by bedtime everything is pretty well back to normal.

Again, phew!  But I'm still not entirely convinced that purchasing this 23-SEER unit was such a good idea, even with the great deal we got on it!

What a weekend!

Aunt Helen arrived today.  John & Lori and family are returning on Friday.  Lynne & Allan are coming on Saturday, and we're having a party on Teri's birthday that isn't a birthday party!

Sunday we're celebrating Pentecost with a sort of flash mob prelude before mass: a soloist will start singing from the back of the church and make his way forward during the first verse, 30 or so singers (so far) are going to stand up from the congregation and start singing the first refrain, then make their way forward to the miked choir area during the solo second verse, after which we'll have harmonies and really big sound!  Come, Holy Spirit, Come!  We're going to use what has become our standard bilingual Holy Spirit song for postlude.  I'm so excited!

This is going to be *such* a fun weekend!!

Cautious with cartoons

There are some things that hit too close to home for me to share very widely, but I'm pretty sure neither of the folks about whom I have that concern with these is a reader . . .

http://nickandzuzu.com/2003/10/taste-in-men/
http://www.dilbert.com/2012-05-24/

Today's word

gallimaufry - hodgepodge

Legionaries

We do not understand the destructive effects our sin has on others' faith. This article illustrates the public effect, which causes good-hearted people to conclude that sin is a construct through which the religious elite control others and that believers are hypocrites. As devastating as this is, the spiritual effect is more severe.

It is not solely nor primarily others' sin that I so lament.

An antitheist

I jumped into a Facebook thread yesterday that I wish I'd just stayed out of.  When my coworker commented that he found our other coworker's shared photo offensive, I didn't really have a feeling about it one way or another. When the person who posted the link to the photo responded to the effect that people who believe in God are undeserving of respect or consideration, I had to say something.

The guys is obviously a fan of Christopher Hitchens.

Ugh.  I cannot afford to let this consume me.

Today's word

boniface \BAH-nuh-fuss\ - the proprietor of a hotel, nightclub, or restaurant

I was familiar with the name, but not the word.

hypnagogic \hip-nuh-GAH-jik\ - of, relating to, or occurring in the period of drowsiness immediately preceding sleep

I figured this one had something to do with sleep.

dun - an urgent request; especially : a demand for payment

I was completely unfamiliar with this dun.

Dear friends

I'm amazed at how our interactions with friends are so much more deeply rooted in who we were when we knew them than in who we may have become since.  That ability to not miss a beat can have a negative side to be aware of, too.

John and I were always cutters-up.  He and his wife moved away over 20 years ago.  So I found myself cutting on him pretty well through the weekend.

I haven't missed that part of my personality.  I followed up with him early this morning with a message to explain and apologize a bit.  It wasn't that I thought it was necessary in the context of our historical friendship, but I wanted to reflect on and share the changes I've experienced in our time apart.

I'm glad I did, as it looks as if we're not seeing them today.  :(  And it looks unlikely that they're going to pass back through again next weekend, as their travel plans look to have changed to accommodate seeing some other friends in Virginia before they go back home via a more southerly route.  :(  Still, it was really nice to see them this weekend!

Reminder

Healer of my soul,
Keep me at even
Keep me at morning
Keep me at noon
Healer of my soul.

- John Michael Talbot (possibly adapted from an Irish poem)

Not in crisis, by any means.  Just a reminder.

Dinner and beyond

I'm not sure why you like it so much, but you mentioned it twice lately, even though I'd explained my reasons for not preferring it. But I acceded to your suggestion - not "request" per se, but still, you made your desire pretty clear - Tuesday when you came home because it pleased me for you to have what you like. I was excitedly looking forward to it all afternoon, in fact.  I also wanted you to know that I'm listening to you, and as long as you're trying to bring us closer and what you're asking doesn't take us in the wrong direction, I will try to accommodate you.

Today's words

I  love it when I get one I've never even heard of!

maffick - to celebrate with boisterous rejoicing and hilarious behavior

Plus these two from a word game:
cloche - 1. a transparent plant cover used outdoors especially for protection against cold.  2. a woman's close-fitting hat usually with deep rounded crown and narrow brim.
embrocation - liniment

Today's word

argot \AHR-goh\ - an often more or less secret vocabulary and idiom peculiar to a particular group

A hint of radicchio . . .

This trip has been a bit of a different experience for me. I've missed you, but it hasn't been as acute and anxiety-ridden as in the past. I'm ready to have you home, but my anticipation is tinged with a touch of trepidation. It's true that I'd have eagerly given up this week of independence to be with you and our daughter's family, but also that I enjoyed my time alone more than I have during your past trips - though not nearly enough to make me sorry to see it end! I think there are probably both good and bad reasons behind all of that.

The good is my own growth in the areas we've talked about. I haven't at all felt that I've been chafing in your absence against the temptation to repeat decisions that have hurt you. It has been quite nice to feel confident that I can continue to do as we've agreed, and when fleeting thoughts have arisen, to answer them with our plan against them. It no longer feels like just a matter of time until I fail you again.

As for the negative reasons: rather than dwelling on what I can't do anything about, I'm focusing on what's more within my influence. I'm glad that I finally realized that I need to skip prayer group tonight and, now that I think about it, that there wasn't even the slightest question of whether I want to. I'm not sure you realize that I'd rather spend time with you than on the activities that take me away from you, and how I'm always striving for balance. I turn down many opportunities in ministry and recreation because I don't want to spend more time away from you than I do. Anyway, I hope my decision to bypass the prayer meeting comes as a pleasant surprise for you, and sets the tone for a nice evening together. I know I need to make us a priority regardless of whether you do the same, but I also can't seem to completely ignore a foreboding that you aren't going to. I've decided to acknowledge that feeling but to also try not to create any expectations based on it. Still, I hope I've conveyed how much I think the excess of television time - even spent together - has been hurting us.

(I also hope that slight bitter overtone in the salad of my feelings doesn't turn out to be a spot of organic fertilizer instead, which may be good for the growing but if you don't get it washed off it can be deadly in the eating.)

WsOTD

<whine>
The last 5 Words of the Day on Merriam Webster's site, in chronological order:

• pacify
• recalcitrant
• hiatus
• skulk
• accident

Okay, so maybe not all of these are everyday vocabulary - particularly "recalcitrant" - and I realize that sometimes the WOTD is more about etymology and related words (today WOTD discusses words that descend from the Latin "cadere," meaning "to fall") but, c'mon, can I please get something new in the span of 5 days?

</whine>

Mother's Day, from afar

It really wasn't my intention to give my wife the perfect Mother's Day gift when this happened to be the only weekend she could go see our grandchildren.  I don't think she thinks of this trip, or recognizes any of her solo travel, as a gift.  I suppose that's okay. I'm really glad she's gotten to spend it with our daughter and her family.

So the card and gift I shared with her today are, to me, incidental by comparison.  I just don't want her to have any doubt of how I value her, and like doing things that make her feel special.

Now if I could just get that damned lawnmower figured out.

breathtakingly rude

sometimes i don't think about the effect i might have on others.  i'm sorry.

It can be exhilarating and terrifying when one discovers an unusual new way to be stupendously stupid.  Also, I have become convinced that people literally die from embarrassment more frequently than you might imagine.


No, I'm not going to share the details of this experience.  With anyone.  Ever.  Though, as mistakes in my life have gone, it's actually still an order of magnitude below my worst.

Next round of snippets

If my wings should fail me, Lord, please meet me with another pair.

Yes, I'm already standin' on the ground.

Today's word

tranche - a division or portion of a pool or whole

Apparently most often used in the context of bonds

What the last post didn't say

and for good reason:

Sometimes I prefer my life without you for a while, so that I may watch and do what I wish without either imposing on you or increasing the distance between us. Tonight, for instance, was pretty nice.

Praying for safe travel

Of course there are the obvious reasons why:

• loving you so deeply
• missing you so much when you're gone and wanting you to return safely home to me
• not knowing how I would live without you.

Then there is this set:

• our relationship has been and continues to be affected by many frustrations, yet it would devastate me to not continue to resolve them 
• as much as I love you, I feel as if I'm only beginning to learn to love you, as if we're only starting to discover how to be in this relationship together
• loving each other more selflessly is one important way we're each called to become the best version of ourselves, and we aren't there yet
• we have so much to learn, and our life together is going to keep getting better as we learn to love each other more fully

That second set may not seem as traditionally romantic as the first set, which probably represents more closely the words every wife would want to hear from her husband.  But it's the second group that describes more closely how it is that I approach each day with you, together or apart, as a chance for us to grow in God's love.  This goes way beyond merely wanting you home so that we can get back to "spending the rest of our lives together," as if we aspired no more highly than to simply pass our time together.

Sweet, and sad

Those few minutes this morning, between our alarms going off, as we simply lay in each other's arms and basked in our tender love, were precious indeed.  I'm going to miss you as you visit with our dear daughter and her family, and will be anticipating your safe return home.

so. tired.

A long night, not alone

There I lie in the dark, determined to stand my emotional ground but also trying not to harden my heart.  I feel resentful and hurt by how things have gone between us, and stupidly disappointed over the sports results.  I'm on my side, facing you, a pillow between my legs, my knees and elbows protecting my physical space as a means of honoring my emotional state.  A few minutes ago I woke up from a dream, you still not here beside me, the closet light still on, confirming my aloneness. You've come in, since, and I can tell you want to pick up where our banter had us this morning, this afternoon.  I just can't.

Can you not tell how much your single-mindedness hurts me?  Haven't I told you enough?  Do I have to communicate it every time?  Wednesday morning you are leaving for six days that I envy, while I'm also glad for you that you can go.  Tomorrow night will be filled with my prayer meeting and your packing and early bedtime, so tonight was our last shot at time together.  Yes, we had the weekend, mostly on your terms, though you did acquiesce to my movie choice.  But every. night. of television: it has gotten ancient and seems eternal, though I should know it's only temporary.

I can't go back to sleep.  Finally I roll over away from you, silently allowing you into my space again, though only physically.  I can tell your wishes, but am unable to respond to them.  It seems I can do no more than this as I continue to lie there awake, frustrated by my inability to sleep even in my determination to not harbor and nurture anger but rather to merely be.  Suddenly and unexpectedly I awaken again, not sure at what point in the past two hours my still wakefulness passed into uneasy dreams.  Arising to relieve a bit of physical waste, I am surprised that biology has begun to stir me in spite of myself, and I allow my emotions to join and encourage my physical response and your presence, to become our presence together.

It is a wonderful thing, and yet there lingers something for us to deal with, to grow from.  I don't believe this is something for me alone to lay down, though I must do my part of that.  We are going to need for you to do your part, and it is going to have be more than just choosing what you always choose in a way that happens to include me if I want it to.  I do want it to, but I want more.  There has to be room for more of me, too.

I want to cry out with Jesus: may this pass?  Must I die?  Oh, I know I must, and if it is your will, Lord, I will.  But in your dying you fulfilled yourself, your very purpose for being here.  I know it is my purpose, too; still I long to selflessly be who I am with her, for there to be room for me to embrace who she is while being embraced for who I am.

Grown daughters

Every time one of my grown daughters - we have no sons - repeats a mistake, my first inclination is to try to figure out how that's related to my failure as a father.

. . . , he says, begrudgingly.

"You don't really begrudge me one night a week watching tv without you, do you?"

Now that it's only one night, no, not really.  But how about the other six nights of the week on which the only way I can spend time with you is to watch tv?  Can I begrudge you those?

Weekend: Busy, a stumble, but mostly good

We took control of our dinner plans to preserve something like a date, and concluded it with a nice walk around The Greene on Friday evening.  Our bike ride on Saturday morning was rained out - well, "wet grounded," actually, as the rain had stopped well before we'd have been riding.  I hauled a few scaffold boards over to our friend's house to get her snowblower unloaded from her pickup truck, then joined her and her family at the market, to be some company for her partner's dad, mostly.  Then the stumble, when I started speaking without realizing how the words would trigger my frustration over something that is really so small that I can't believe we're still dealing with it.  I had to retreat for a while, and apologized.

I poured myself a my newly-traditional mint julep - a long-standing tradition in the area, but new last year to me - later in the afternoon, and watched the Derby.  We took in The Avengers in the evening - okay, the snob in me thinks I should have hated it, but I just couldn't!

Sunday was an early Mass at which I canted again - two weeks in a row after not at all for probably a couple years - after which I made sure the next Mass was covered before taking it off for a vigorous bike ride.  First Communion in the afternoon, after which I learned the Caps tied their series.  Hung out with our friends into the evening, and followed the remarkable Orioles' game on my phone.  Wow.  Then an evening of a couple TV programs together.

Okay, maybe you should keep putting the paper towels on the rack we've had for fifteen years in the orientation that makes it unscrew until I can manage to quit being a jerk over your never noticing which way you put the paper towels on the rack.  Or maybe we should buy a new rack.  But I definitely need to quit being a jerk about it, and I'm sorry I was.

Realization

On my way up the street to work this morning, I saw a man about 10-15 years younger than me walking to his car with his teenage daughter, presumably on the way to take her to school.  A longstanding truth suddenly struck me: I am finished raising children.

Depending on how you look at it, this has been more or less true for a decade.  Still, this morning's realization makes me sad.

Baby steps

As we make decisions that result in more time together, it's important for me to keep my attention off of the activities and interests that I've had to let go of in order to continue building a life with my bride.

(Lay it down.)

Today's words

Courtesy of a word game.  You'll see the theme of it:

burgh - borough; specifically: an incorporated town in Scotland having local jurisdiction of certain services

arrondissement - 1. an administrative district of some large French cities.  2. the largest division of a French department

canton - a small territorial division of a country: as a. one of the states of the Swiss confederation,  b. a division of a French arrondissement

sanjak - a Turkish district or secondary administrative subdivision

parish - 1b. British a subdivision of a county often coinciding with an original ecclesiastical parish and constituting the unit of local government

I was familiar with the other definitions of the last word, particularly the one dealing with the Louisianan equivalent of a county.  I was unaware there was of the similar British usage. Apparently this usage may have roots in the convenience of referring to a section of a British county by the (at one time, Catholic, then Church of England) local church therein?

And I was also expecting something along the lines of the first definition, but expected it to be German, not Scottish.

Don't drink and drive yourself over the edge

I can never think of the Police song Walking in Your Footsteps without thinking of my father.  I know it was written with a specific class of "your" in mind, and had to do with the extinction of the entire species.  Still I find myself interpreting it as a warning of another, more personal and individual sort.

How odd that a friend recently drew a link between drunkenness (well, specifically DUI) and suicide.  I've often observed how certain I am that my father wouldn't have ended his own life if he were sober.  I'm convinced he wanted to, and perhaps he even may have had sober moments in which he considered his death plan, but that he wouldn't have actually carried it out without his liquid (whatever is the opposite of) courage.  The depressive effects of alcohol distort our thinking in ways we cannot resist when we are too deeply under its influence.  So I find myself constantly on guard against alcoholism, primarily because I've seen its destructive effects on so many lives, but in a more specifically practical way: to make sure I don't indulge my tendency toward depression and the terrible decisions I might make in its thrall.

Today's word

lunette \loo NET\- 1a. something that has the shape of a crescent or half-moon: as  b. an opening in a vault especially for a window.  c. the surface at the upper part of a wall that is partly surrounded by a vault which the wall intersects and that is often filled by windows or by mural painting.  d. a low crescentic mound (as of sand) formed by the wind.  2. the figure or shape of a crescent moon.

Pretty much as I'd have guessed . . . 

A curiosity

Why do my stats show so many hits from Russia???

(But none of these hits shows up in my outside analytics.  Weird.)

Today's words

cachinnate \KAK-uh-nayt\ - to laugh loudly or immoderately

risible \'ri-zə-bəl\ - 1a. capable of laughing b. disposed to laugh  2. arousing or provoking laughter; especially : laughable 3. associated with, relating to, or used in laughter

At times in my life, I'm so irrisible (is that a word, too?) that I feel alien amid others' laughter.

tump - to tip or turn over especially accidentally - usually used with over

More big red flags

In addition to the ones I've previously listed: last night I decided to shower even though we were in the middle of thunderstorms.  I practically begged God to hit the house.

And when I read about a famous (or not) person who has taken their own life, I shouldn't feel at all jealous of him or her.

God, am I fucking miserable.

What owns us

There's plenty said about the possessions that end up owning us, but I think that time is the more critical commodity to guard.  I'm rediscovering that I must be very careful about what I allow to consume my life, individually and collectively.  It isn't as if I'm not doing enough "spiritual things," but those things are no substitute for quiet prayer time.  I'm spending too little time with the One who loves me most, even when I am handed a gift-wrapped opportunity.

Perhaps it's because I don't like the paper those opportunities have been coming wrapped in?

The thing is, there are plenty of good reasons to fill our lives up with activities that may be good and even important, but the best will always suffer greatly under the tyranny of the merely good.

Today's word

abstruse - difficult to comprehend

I don't know why I'm listing this.  I know what it means.

Tunnels and meadows

Saturday: great sharing about how our decisions to be together have been feeling so much better than our decisions to be separate ever do, with pretty clear images to convey the contrast in feelings.  And when you tried to interpret that in terms of decisions you make when I've made you angry, I thought we really communicated together that it was a broader issue than that.

Monday: same old decisions, and I got to spend another evening back in the dark tunnel.

Maybe my life is going to be mostly in the tunnel, with only brief periods out in the beautiful open landscape.  Maybe that's my experience of the dark night of the soul, and I need to just appreciate the beautiful sunshine as it comes along, be thankful for it and for a life that lets me experience it once in a while, and not long for it so much when I'm not in the midst of it.