Conforming (phase 2), Three Types of Attitude toward Possessions (step13), session 1

Our meditation will be a parable about three groups of people, each representing a different attitude toward possessions. Let us choose for our example three married couples, although the parable could speak of groups of special interests or nations, too. In this parable we speak of money, of the first vice in the triad of riches-honor-pride where all evil starts, but we could replace it by anything else, honored status, beloved persons, exterior or interior goods to which one can be attached or addicted. - Step by Step Retreats, step 13

I think that this meditation may be a lot more helpful for me - in its application - by considering something different from money itself.  This is because I think I have become attached to something, an idea that I need something in my life that God is not providing for me. On the one hand, I know and have reminded myself that this is not true, but on the other hand my longing remains. It is not an impure thing that I desire, but perhaps my desire for it is impure.

Let us see what this meditation/parable brings.

Today's word

urticaria \er-tuh-KAIR-ee-uh\ - hives

This one is brand new to me, but I'm pretty sure I'm never going to need a five-syllable word to replace a five-letter word. At least I might recognize it if I encounter it again.

Conforming (phase 2), The Value System of Jesus Christ - A Summary (step 12), session 3

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.

O, Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.
- Prayer widely and erroneously attributed to St. Francis of Assisi

How appropriate that the Exercises would bring me this in my meditation to close this step on a day in which my apparently soon-to-be-former son-in-law completely and publicly bashed his wife on Facebook. It was a strange morning, in fact, as first I saw a text which she accidentally sent to me last night instead of him. She did a remarkably good job of being peaceable in the face of a truly hateful post, but then, perhaps she was really just replying to another text from him instead. At any rate, she had accused the person she had sent it to of being full of anger, and at first I thought that had been a response to my request that she put her oldest in bed rather than letting her sleep on the love seat all night. I replied that I had not been at all angry, then realized what had probably happened.

After that I saw his brief, profanity-punctuated rant, in which he publicly called out my daughter for an inappropriate relationship to which she has turned in the months of their estrangement, and the other guy as well.

I drafted and posted a comment, one that I remain convinced was appropriate and even, rooted in genuine concern and love for him. I then removed it at my wife's request. But I'm pleased that I could express the truth without animosity or judgment, but rather with a desire to be an instrument of peace for all concerned.

This will conclude the step 12 sessions. I'm a bit concerned that step 13 might have the potential to further foment an existing disharmony that my wife and I may have with regard to wealth and possessions.

Today's words

Okay, I'm including a WOTD that I already know well, just so that I can add an observation or two at the end:

retronym \REH-troh-nim\ - a term (such as analog watch or snail mail) that is newly created and adopted to distinguish the original or older version, form, or example of something from other, more recent versions, forms, or examples

I just yesterday reread an e-mail from the  former coworker who first introduced me to this term, who is a fine word geek. He was fond of pointing out to me one of the retronyms to which the write-up refers, because of my guitar avocation. He also suggests that the oldest retronym might be "naked."

toponym noun \TAH-pə-nim, TOH-\ - place-name

This related word makes sense, too.

Conforming (phase 2), The Value System of Jesus Christ - A Summary (step 12), session 2

The value system of Jesus is based on the trust in God and on the belief in the goodness of life independently of the adversities.  - Step by Step Retreats, step 12

Oh, how I struggle of late with the second part of this. I feel consumed by the adversities. Even though I believe that God is using them to teach me the depth of his love, it feels as if they are eating away all my joy.

It's weird. I seem to have this gift for trusting God with my life at the same time that I struggle to always fully believe in him. Perhaps this is simply a matter of God being greater than my faith in him, which of course he would have to be.

Conforming (phase 2), The Value System of Jesus Christ - A Summary (step 12), session 1

And he lifted up his eyes on his disciples, and said: "Blessed are you poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.  Blessed are you that hunger now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you that weep now, for you shall laugh.  Blessed are you when men hate you, and when they exclude you and revile you, and cast out your name as evil, on account of the Son of man!  Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven; for so their fathers did to the prophets.  

"But woe to you that are rich, for you have received your consolation. Woe to you that are full now, for you shall hunger. Woe to you that laugh now, for you shall mourn and weep. Woe to you, when all men speak well of you, for so their fathers did to the false prophets." - Lk 6, 20-26

Everybody seems to prefer (and to be more familiar with) the formulation of the Beatitudes from St. Matthew's gospel. This one has been chosen for the summary meditation because of how it contrasts the blessings and woes of the two values systems, the two standards, on which we have been focusing. But there are many ways in which the value system of the world may be expressed and lived out, and I am a bit disappointed that this retreat seems to focus so much on the values of wealth and esteem.

I'm feeling particularly torn between these two value systems right now in another way, as two beloved members of our family seem to be making daily decisions according to their own whims and disregarding the effects of their decisions on the family around them. How can I be an instrument of God's voice calling them to decide differently?

But I see another way in which the standard of the world takes root in my life when I look to comparative ways of evaluating my own morality and worth. (comparative vs. contributive identity, a la Fr. Spitzer, whom I have often invoked) This may include when I judge others, and may include looking for an opportunity to do so - for instance, looking up a list of athletes who have been the biggest problem in the locker room.

"For whoever would save his life will lose it; and whoever loses his life for my sake, he will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?" - Lk 9, 24-25

I suppose there are different ways of saving our life. If I try to preserve the pleasures of life the way that I want to live them, rather than taking up the cross (v. 23) of living as Christ calls me, is that not an effort to save my life? Again, I have written before in different contexts about our insistence on seeing the cross as something other than the glorious thing that it truly is, and about our misunderstanding of what is truly glorious. We know that, in his humanity, Jesus begged the Father that the cup be taken from him, yet I also believe that he embraced the cross with more than resigned obedience, but rather with trust and love that outweighed his fear and human misgivings. What would it have profited him to avoid his cross, and what do we think it will profit us to avoid ours? The life that we have in its stead is no gift to us.

As they were going along the road, a man said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go."

And Jesus said to him, "Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man has nowhere to lay his head." 

To another he said, "Follow me." But he said, "Lord, let me first go and bury my father." But he said to him, "Leave the dead to bury their own dead; but as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God." 

Another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but let me first say farewell to those at my home."  Jesus said to him, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God."  - Lk 9, 57-62

These can sound harsh, but they underscore what I think the Lord would have me hear in this session.

Today's words

legerity \lə-ˈjer-ə-tē, le-, -ˈje-rə-\ - alert facile quickness of mind or body

This relative of today's familiar WOTD was new to me . . .

constellate \KAHN-stuh-layt\  1. to unite in a cluster  2. to set or adorn with or as if with constellations

. . . as was yesterday's WOTD, though I had an idea of what it probably meant.

Heartache

I think that nothing brings us more in touch with God's love than to see our children give themselves over to terrible decisions.

Today's word

morganatic \mor-guh-NAT-ik\ - of, relating to, or being a marriage between a member of a royal or noble family and a person of inferior rank in which the rank of the inferior partner remains unchanged and the children of the marriage do not succeed to the titles, fiefs, or entailed property of the parent of higher rank

Not a word for which we Americans have much use. I suppose if I can remember this sense of "morgan" from the German phrase I may have a shot at remembering this word if I encounter it again.

anabasis \uh-NAB-uh-sis\ - 1. a going or marching up : advance; especially : a military advance 2. a difficult and dangerous military retreat

I don't imagine I'll have much use for this one, either, though I can see where I might encounter both of these in future reading.  

Only Monday's selection of tintinnabulation prevented this from being a perfect work week of new words of the day! I can't remember the last time they gave me four consecutive days of new words.  What a treat! (I'll take my treats where I can get them.)

Plus one from today's Dictionary Devil puzzle:

 tomentose \tō-ˈmen-ˌtōs, ˈtō-mən-\ - covered with densely matted woolly hairs

 It was a pretty easy puzzle except for this new word.

Disturbing nightmare

I was with family - my wife, at least, but there may have been others - at some sort of event on a college campus.  My wife was playfully raising our youngest granddaughter upside-down above her head, and her short dress was flopping down to reveal that she wasn't wearing panties. I realized that she hadn't put any on after I'd changed her diaper that morning, and that it was my fault for not making sure that she had done so, so I agreed to take her back over to the dormitory so that she could don a pair.

When we got there, I was suddenly alone on the first floor, trying to find our room and realizing that it was on the second floor, so I began trying to find the stairwell door. Then I realized I didn't have my granddaughter anymore, and began to search for her. I went "back" downstairs, where there was a communal bathroom. I opened a stall door, and there was an older gentleman (well, he was probably not much older than my actual age, but I seemed younger in this dream) who was pulling up his pants. I apologized for disturbing him, but instead of leaving the bathroom I peered under the partition, where I saw a small leg sticking up from a large, square, tiled bath. I burst back into the stall, where I saw my granddaughter mostly submerged in the water in this square bath, and it was obvious that the man had raped her and attempted to drown her. I pulled her up out of the water by her leg and desperately began attempting to revive her while the old pervert laughed at my helplessness. While continuing to hug her and attempt to bring her around, I began to drown him, holding him under the water with my legs, determined to kill him for what he had done to her. Finally she began to respond to my efforts, at which point I awoke from my dream.

I am not even going to try to analyze this as I was taught to do, by assuming that every element of my dream represents me in some way. It is simply too disturbing. I did not sleep very well for the remainder of the night.

Conforming (phase 2), An Enneagram Exercise and The Value System of Jesus Christ (step 11), session 3

Now the works of the flesh are plain: fornication, impurity, licentiousness, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, anger, selfishness, dissension, party spirit, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and the like. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such there is no law. - Gal 5, 19-23

First, a silly observation: these verse numbers match the dates of this work week.

Why is it that we (okay, maybe not all or even most of us. maybe it's just me. but i doubt it) insist on looking at this first list with at least a trace of disappointment that at least one or two of these items are off limits to us? Okay, I don't want to worship idols or chant incantations, and I certainly don't want to sow strife or be envious. But a little bit of drunkenness and carousing sound like fun, and to forbid fornication and impurity seems draconian! I mean, we're wonderfully made, right, and some of us incredibly so?!

Our attitudes toward the flesh are often still too aligned with the value system of this world, and this can leave us vulnerable to these sins in a number of ways.

One is the way we sometimes feel as if we have done something noble by avoiding that which - let's face it - really isn't good for us in the first place. I've had occasion of late to think about what would happen if a certain unlikely temptation should ever prevent itself, and have had to acknowledge that even desiring it is not good for me, and yielding to it would shatter (whatever is left of) my appreciation for the life with which God has blessed me. So why do we think we're doing such a good thing by trusting that what God says about these things might really be true?

A second is that we can feel it's okay for us to cling to a longing for one or two of these works of the flesh, and over time that desire poisons both our happiness and our relationship with God. We can see the fleshly things we're "missing out on" as a void in our lives, and begin to view God as a capricious despot rather than a loving Father who always wants what is best for us. It can undermine our relationships with others, too, whom can resent for their unwillingness to conform their own boundaries to our desires.

Failing to view these works of the flesh rightly also leads us to flirt with what we perceive of as the boundaries between harmless thoughts and actual sinful acts. It's a bit, though, like walking in a nondescript region that contains a boundary between two countries, one free and one tyrannical. It's hard to be sure exactly where that demarcation is, and we are likely to find ourselves detained and made subject to a different set of living conditions than the ones we were counting on.

We can even come to think that one or more of these fleshly desires is really something we need, even something that we cannot live without. The more we indulge in it, the more convinced we are that it is what we need and the more enslaved we become.

We can never be enslaved by love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self-control.

Today's word

pandiculation \pan-dik-yuh-LAY-shun\ - a stretching and stiffening especially of the trunk and extremities (as when fatigued and drowsy or after waking from sleep)

Whoever has the current WOTD duties at the Merriam-Webster site is doing a bang-up job. Three new words in the past week! 

Conforming (phase 2), An Enneagram Exercise and The Value System of Jesus Christ (step 11), session 2

"(The retreatant)  should decide of the pace of going through the Exercises process, and a calm, relaxed, and reflective way of doing this is always preferable. The general rule is that we stop with a particular exercise, point, or reflection while we feel that it 'gives some fruit' and go ahead to the following points only when see that we have 'exhausted' the present material." - Manual for the retreats

Okay, given this permission and taking my focus off of the calendar, I want to revisit the last paragraph I quoted in this post . . .

Responsibility is an indelible characteristic of human existence and it means that we ought to give a response or an answer for our acts in front of our conscience.  - The Two Standards meditation, 140-142. First Part: The Standard of Satan, the “values” he uses to deceive and seduce all of us

 . . . as I've been struggling a bit with my tendency to perhaps impute too much responsibility to myself. This is often my response when I see my children and grandchildren struggle with their own decisions, and my first assumption is always that this is because I failed them as a dad (please, don't try to tell me that I was not a failure as a father, especially if I've never told you how I failed them) or a grandfather (definitely not so much the case, though in that great examen at the end of everything I'm sure I'll learn of some stumblings; mostly, I just know what the Scriptures say about our sins having multi-generational effects).

The way I tend to do it, this is sort of akin to God saying to himself every time we sin, "Well, it's my fault; after all, I made him like that!" (Okay, ducking the lightning bolt now: just picture the eternal Son hearing Father say this over and over again in eternity, until finally the Son replies, "All right, Dad, enough! Time for me to go fix it once and for all. Gabriel: go find us the right virgin!") No, of course God doesn't do this. God knows that he has lovingly imbued us each with our own free will, and allows us to make of it what we will, just as we see our children and grandchildren doing.  He also knows, as I do, that he has loving equipped each of us with everything we need to decide rightly instead of wrongly. (That is, I know that God has done so.) And his lamentation for our sake is even greater than our own for those whom we love, because we love only finitely and imperfectly.

*Sigh*

Trying to take responsibility for their decisions is the other opposite of humility, which would diminish their own responsibility and personhood. (Another instance of there being opposite ways to stray from the path which lies between them. So much of life is this way.)

("But," I'm tempted to think, "maybe parents who haven't completely undermined their kids don't have to deal with all of this so much?" Ugh.)

Okay, so this "session" isn't based on the other Scripture passage which is provided for this step, but the nature of this step calls for some deviation from how I've numbered the sessions thus far.

Today's word

septentrional \sep-TEN-tree-uh-nul\ - northern

Oh, I love a new word whose roots make perfect sense and yet give precious little insight into the word's meaning!  I can't imagine I'll be likely to use it unless I need a fancy-schmancy word for "northern" with poetic overtones. I'd have never recognized this word's meaning outside of a very clear context, and I'm probably going to mispronounce it if I ever encounter it again.

Conforming (phase 2), An Enneagram Exercise and The Value System of Jesus Christ (step 11), session 1

I have been warned against enneagrams, that they are not solidly grounded in Christian orthodoxy and that there may be negative spiritual influences in them. As a charismatic Catholic, I tend to be careful with both of these possible concerns. So I have read this exercise, and I plan to be very careful in its application.

One thing that I appreciate about the retreat's approach is its insistence that we not try to pigeonhole ourselves into one center or type.  As I read, I could look back over the arc of my life and see that I may previously have had a very different center and type from the one that I think most applies to me now. I can especially see the value of being aware of my current type from the standpoint of seeking the grace to grow out of my current areas of struggle and weakness.

That said, I can see that this sort of thing might tend to cause us to be too focused on ourselves and not enough on Jesus Christ. The retreat seems pretty Christocentric, though, so I'm hopeful it will avoid this trap moving forward. I do appreciate their inclusion of fear and deceit along with the traditional seven deadly sins; in my experience, these are often bigger drivers than we realize.

I am not going to share here what I see as my current center and type. They seem obvious to me, and I can see that they are now perhaps quite different from what they may have been at other points in my life.  Perhaps readers who think they know me well (and who have time to read the lengthy exercise) might share in a comment what they see in me.

There shall come forth a shoot from the stump of Jesse, and a branch shall grow out of his roots. And the Spirit of the LORD shall rest upon him, 
the spirit of wisdom and understanding,
the spirit of counsel and might,
the spirit of knowledge and the fear of the LORD.
And his delight shall be in the fear of the LORD. He shall not judge by what his eyes see, or decide by what his ears hear . . . - Is 11, 1-3

Two things strike me about this passage, the first of two included in this step. The first is that it seems to put the enneagram - or any other analytic personality tool - in its proper perspective. Only the wisdom of the Spirit can provide a suitable lens for transforming the heart from the kingdom of darkness to the kingdom of Jesus Christ. We tend to put too much value on our analysis; this tendency is an inherent component of our rationality. There is value in analysis, just not so much as we attribute to it.

I nearly forgot the second thing that struck me from this reading, as I was distracted in the middle of my writing by some other tasks I needed to attend to. After two additional times of reading through it, now I remember!  I was struck again by our modern misunderstanding of what the fear of the Lord really is. At its best and most useful, it isn't a matter of being wary of divine karma, as one of Flip Wilson's characters proclaimed (and, later, George and Tammy sang) that "God's gonna get'cha for that!" One of my earliest posts was on this topic, actually. (It's hard to believe that I have been recording my thoughts here for nearly 8 years, and also that such an old post seems to stand the test of time.)

As truly provided by the Holy Spirit, the fear of the Lord is indeed a thing to be delighted in. Along with the other gifts from these verses, it is our guide into the life to which God calls us. I delight that God gives me something greater to direct my life than my worldly fears!

*Sigh*

Just when you think you're already being walked all over in every way she has in her, she comes up with a new one.

When school let out for Christmas break, her son came home with a personal timeline project with a due date of tomorrow. Since that time we have been reminding him - and more to the point for this rant, his mom - that this project was coming up. She at least bought his poster board (er, I dunno for sure: maybe grandma did this). Friday night the kids cut it in half, as Hannah is going to need half of it for a similar project, and that's the appropriate shape for them to work with anyway.

Last night mom allowed her son to go over to a friend's house, with the understanding that he had to come home "early" to work on his project. At lunch time, she told me she was getting him "soon." A little while after I came back from lunch, grandma informed me that mom has to work today, as the restaurant is open on a rare Monday to accommodate Restaurant Week.

Needless to say, in spite of four full weeks of trying to keep her from doing so, mom has dumped the grandson's project on us to help him do.  Literally, the only thing that is done so far is the cutting of the poster board, and his mom didn't help him with that, either.

I'm really not at all upset about helping my grandson with this project; I think it will be a good opportunity for us to work together and maybe teach a side lesson about managing projects, too. But I'm so disappointed that my daughter has missed out on another opportunity to be the mom she dreams of being and the considerate daughter we need her to be.

Today's word

distemper \dis-TEM-per\ verb - to throw out of order

I was mainly familiar with the noun meaning "a serious virus disease of dogs," though I think I may have encountered the artistic meaning of the word also mentioned in this WOTD item.

The Two Standards, part 2

Weekends with the kids and urgent household projects allow no time for reflection. So "the hurrier I go, the behinder I get."

Jesus calls first of all for a basic and indestructible trust in God and to believe in the goodness of life notwithstanding any adversity. The trust in God who is a real Father is the source of a freedom from the fear of loss of material and other goods . . . (ref: Mt 6, 25-34) - The Two Standards meditation, 143-146. Second Part: The Standard of Christ, the Way of Trust, Hope, and Life

Yes, I should be emulating the birds and the lilies more, and rejecting anxiousness. Of late I sometimes think that these other created things have more faith than I do. Those around me are noticing that I seem bereft of joy. They don't know the whole reason, though. It is not merely the extra burden placed upon us, which we accept with open hearts full of love for our daughter and grandchildren. I find that the things that have been said to me of late have undermined my primary earthly relationship more than I should allow them to do. I need to remember that if any thing is missing from my life, it is because I do not truly need it, for God provides for my every need. But that means believing in God more substantially than I find that I am able to do right now.

“The exhortation ‘Be not afraid!’ should be interpreted as having a very broad meaning. In a certain sense it was an exhortation addressed to all people, an exhortation to conquer fear in the present world situation, as much in the East as in the West, as much in the North as in the South. Have no fear of that which you yourselves have created, have no fear of all that man has produced, and that every day is becoming more dangerous for him! Finally, have no fear of yourselves!” - John Paul II, Crossing the Threshold of Hope, as quoted in The Two Standards meditation, 143-146. Second Part: The Standard of Christ, the Way of Trust, Hope, and Life

I know there should be peace in this for me . . .

"One can be very proud in a shabby suit! These false forms are worlds apart from the poverty and humility Ignatius describes as the characteristics of the standard of Christ” - Rahner, “Spiritual Exercises,” p.178, as quoted in The Two Standards meditation, 143-146. Second Part: The Standard of Christ, the Way of Trust, Hope, and Life

I wonder if this is the unrecognized story of my life and the root of my dissatisfaction.  All I seem to know for certain is that the diversions which I might have tended to seek out in my younger foolishness are certainly only a road to further unhappiness. I think I should be thanking God for the good sense (could it actually be "wisdom"?) to not seek things which would only make me miserable by moving me further from him, which would only make me less the person he has made and is calling me to be.

I don't know if this is exactly a case of choosing the second standard, but I know that the alternative would definitely be choosing the first one.

The Two Standards, part 1

When Jesus answers to Satan, “One does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of God”, (Lk 4:4 and Mt 4:4, cf. Dt 8:3) it means that he chose to renounce the immediate gratification in order to follow what God’s will was for him. - The Two Standards meditation, 140-142. First Part: The Standard of Satan, the “values” he uses to deceive and seduce all of us

I am not so good at making this choice consistently. I do it pretty well for the bigger things, but there are areas of purity that I miss out on because I indulge in immediately gratifying thoughts instead.

The second temptation of Jesus is to let the power principle dominate his life. The search for power, personal prestige and status, the exploitation of others in order to gain these, and the allure of “honor” is so much widespread phenomenon that Alfred Adler in his “individual psychology” asserted it as the basic drive in life. Although a certain level of self-esteem is necessary for a healthy psyche, the temptation of the power drive misleads us to seek status and honor directly, and the price to pay for it is in destroyed relationships, falsity and deceit. - ibid.

There can be a tricky balance between setting appropriate boundaries for ourselves and trying to exercise power over the lives of others. Sometimes the people around us can feel that we are imposing boundaries or values on them when we are really only setting them for ourselves. It's an important distinction. To keep from being taken advantage of in an unhealthy way, I must sometimes prevent another from taking unhealthy advantage of me. That can feel to them as if I am trying to make a decision for them that they do not wish to make for themselves, when in truth I am truly only making a decision about what is healthy for me. It is important, when we are on the other side of such a decision, not to allow our own wishes to outweigh our respect for the other person by acting in a dishonest way in order to coerce a decision in line with our own wishes. This is especially hard when we feel that we need our lives to be different from how they actually are.

Viktor Frankl pointed out many times that there are several things, like joy and happiness that cannot be willed directly but should come as a by-product of one’s deeds. As the pursuit of happiness does not lead to its fulfillment so is it with the power drive. - ibid.

I've been thinking about this lately. In fact, I have long been convinced that the single greatest obstacle to finding happiness is to pursue it directly. Matthew Kelly propounds that we maximize our happiness by becoming the best version of ourselves, by making physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy choices rather than pursuing happiness for its own sake.

The third temptation of Jesus as Robert C. Leslie points out is to escape from personal responsibility, which is a manifestation of self-sufficiency and pride. Harder to recognize than the other two this temptation is permeating our culture on personal and societal level. It works through the dominance of psychological and sociological determinism. We can excuse our behavior endlessly by past traumas and by what others did or did not. - ibid.

There is so much in these few sentences. First of all, I'm pretty sure that I've never thought of the third temptation quite in these terms, but this makes perfect sense. Jesus is tempted to escape the consequences of a personal decision. The one thing that I am pleased about concerning my initial experience with therapy is that, while I needed to learn the effect that my childhood abuse had on my adulthood decision making, I recognized from the beginning that I was responsible for my choices. No matter how many men may have sexually abused me when I was a kid, I knew that I was responsible for my own adult actions. But this temptation remains so very present in how we respond to stimuli around us, as it is so easy to feel that we have been provoked into our choices.

In reality the future does not depend so much on past experiences as on our conscious decisions in the present. - ibid.

Yes!! Now, it is true that our past may have trained us to make decisions in a way that does not maximize our future growth, but we have the power to recognize that and learn to make our decisions in a different way. But let's say, for instance, that I recognize that I have a tendency to try to fix things for those around me. It does no good to recognize that trait in myself unless I recognize when I am doing that at the expense of others.

Responsibility is an indelible characteristic of human existence and it means that we ought to give a response or an answer for our acts in front of our conscience. In religious terms, we are created beings and we are not self-sufficient but our life is constant gift from God whose creative love we respond to with our existence, choices and acts. - ibid.

Yes, all of our life is our response to God's creative love, in one way or another. I must choose to respond in ways that draw me more deeply into that love, believing that God's plan for my life is more trustworthy than my own wishes, which are subtly tainted by the influence of the standard of Satan in my life and on the world around me.

Okay I haven't even started looking at the reflection on Jesus' standard, but there is just so much in here! The really should have made this initial meditation part of a longer step; one week was just not enough to cover this along with six individual session readings. On the other hand, they do revisit it twice in short order.

Slow learner

So, after my last post, do you suppose I washed Sunday's dried-on cheesecake off of the dessert dishes at lunch time today with any more purity of heart than I warmed up her side of the bed last night?

Of course not.

Conforming (phase 2), The "Hidden Life" and the Value System of Jesus Christ (step 10), session 6

The Two Ways in Jesus’ Teaching

"Enter by the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is easy, that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard, that leads to life, and those who find it are few. - Mt 7:13-14

Hmm.  Contrast that with this:

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." - Mt 11, 28-30 (same book-level hyperlink)

Both are contrasts between two ways. I think the second choice is dependent upon the first one, though. I don't see how we can come to Jesus for rest if we have not chosen the hard way that leads to life.

Last night as I lay in bed before nodding off, I was feeling resentful of being there alone, again, while my bride watched another television show, again. Still, I tried to take it on as a loving act to lie on her side of the bed so that it would be warm for her.  I must not have done a very job of putting my heart into that, though, as when she came to bed some time after I had fallen asleep and raised the covers to climb between the sheets, I snapped at her for "freezing me out." I almost immediately apologized profusely, but she was in tears over it.  I think if I had taken on this favor with more of the heart of Jesus, perhaps I wouldn't have been as prone to snap at her when I was awakened by the chill of the air.

It would easy for me to excuse myself because of the years and years of going to bed alone on so many nights, and the sadness and loneliness that has engendered in my heart. And it would maybe be easier had I not told her often how much I hate this to no avail. But I should instead focus on walking in Christ's love, sharing my heart openly with her and taking on any outwardly kind act without resentment.

Now that I've told her that I shared her wish that I would die in my sleep, and since we've begun counseling together, I need to start breaking my habit of hiding my heart from her.

I'm now finished with step 10, nearly two weeks behind schedule. The next couple of steps are each allotted a week, but they are mainly focused on reiterations of the Two Standards meditation that I didn't really fully enter into, which was supposed to be part of this step. This will give me a chance to revisit this meditation and may also allow me to make up some time on the retreat calendar. 

I'm concerned about step 13 being another potential divider.

a couplet

In a prison of my own creation
of guarded heart and shielded mind
to never know the sheer elation
of freely giving and receiving in kind

I do not regret being with you for all of our lives, btw, but rather just withholding my thoughts and feelings from you for so long for fear of hurting you. I'm so sorry. I don't know how to stop.  You have shared so freely these past couple of weeks, and it has hurt, but at least we could work through things.

Perhaps now that I have shared the darkest thing, I can make an effort to let my guard down more.

I am *so* alone

Today's words

I haven't seen a WOTD that caught my attention on the site in a while, but I haven't been checking daily so I figured I should look back at the archive for any I've missed of late. I found a few new ones - well, new to me, of course.

longueur \lawn-GUR\ - a dull and tedious passage or section (as of a book, play, or musical composition) — usually used in plural

I've encountered plenty of these, and it seems to me that I've probably seen the word before, too.

claque \KLAK\ - 1. a group hired to applaud at a performance  2. a group of sycophants

All my new words for the year seem to be of French lineage. There are times I wish I had one of these of my own.

solecism \SAH-luh-sih-zum\ - 1. an ungrammatical combination of words in a sentence; also : a minor blunder in speech  2. something deviating from the proper, normal, or accepted order 3. a breach of etiquette or decorum

Okay, this one doesn't seem to have passed through French to get to us. These drive me crazy, especially when I'm the solecist.

ne plus ultra \nay-plus-UL-truh\ - 1. the highest point capable of being attained : acme  2. the most profound degree of a quality or state

I think I probably don't need any more vocabulary that means something like this, but at least I might recognize it if I see it again.

Nazareth had it right . . .

. . . with the title of their biggest hit

It hurt when you told me that you'd wished, the previous evening, that I would die in my sleep.

It hurt when you told me, yesterday, that you were ready to walk out.

It hurts when you won't say that you love me, too.

If I left those three statements by themselves, anyone who didn't know you would conclude that you don't love me, that it's just a matter of (not much) time before I have to figure out how to live without you, that I would be well served to start circling the wagons. But I know the circumstances, the frustration you're feeling, because I'm with you in the midst of them. I see how the people you're reaching out to are those who love us, who will encourage and help you to tend us, too.

I love you, and I still trust you, trust in your love for me and in God's love for me through you.

So I've stopped saying it so often, only because I don't want it to be a pressure on you or a reflex for you to just respond to, not because it is any less true.

While they may have had the title right, they reached the wrong conclusion in the end.

My heart is still in your hands.

Conforming (phase 2), The "Hidden Life" and the Value System of Jesus Christ (step 10), session 5

The Way of Life and the Way of Death

The actual assigned reading for this session only includes verses 15 and 19 below, but I think the rest is also illuminative:

¹⁵"See, I have set before you this day life and good, death and evil.

¹⁶If you obey the commandments of the LORD your God which I command you this day, by loving the LORD your God, by walking in his ways, and by keeping his commandments and his statutes and his ordinances, then you shall live and multiply, and the LORD your God will bless you in the land which you are entering to take possession of it. ¹⁷But if your heart turns away, and you will not hear, but are drawn away to worship other gods and serve them, ¹⁸I declare to you this day, that you shall perish; you shall not live long in the land which you are going over the Jordan to enter and possess. ¹⁹I call heaven and earth to witness against you this day, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse; therefore choose life, that you and your descendants may live, ²⁰loving the LORD your God, obeying his voice, and cleaving to him; for that means life to you and length of days, that you may dwell in the land which the LORD swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them." - Dt 30, 15-20

I just keep trying to choose Christ, trying to love even in the face of the threat that I will not be loved in return.

It's pretty much all I can do. I don't know any other Way.

Conforming (phase 2), The "Hidden Life" and the Value System of Jesus Christ (step 10), session 4

The Hidden Life of Jesus

And he went down with them and came to Nazareth, and was obedient to them; and his mother kept all these things in her heart. And Jesus increased in wisdom and in stature, and in favor with God and man. - Lk 2, 51-52

I'm pretty sure that verse 52 isn't possible without verse 51.  This is true for us, too.  Well, not entirely: we can certainly gain favor with men without ever learning this sort of humility.

These verses cover approximately 18 years of Jesus' life. Like Jesus, it is what we do in the hidden years that will determine what becomes of our ministry and our life when it is time for God's glory to be revealed through us.

Conforming (phase 2), The "Hidden Life" and the Value System of Jesus Christ (step 10), session 3

Finding the Child Jesus in the Temple

"Did you not know that I must be in my Father's house?" - Lk 2, 49b

A question came up recently concerning the point at which Jesus knew he was God's son. Some are apparently speculating that this would not have been until his baptism by John at the Jordan, while others hold that it wasn't until the Transfiguration. But in Luke's gospel we have this account which indicates that a pretty young Jesus had a fairly good idea of his paternity.

In the same conversation, someone suggested that the teachers were amazed only at the depth of his questions, but I believe that this passage (Lk 2, 41-50) indicates they were astonished by his answers, as well.

When we are filled with the Holy Spirit, we have wisdom that far surpasses our own.

Conforming (phase 2), The "Hidden Life" and the Value System of Jesus Christ (step 10), session 2

Mt 2:13-23 - The Flight to Egypt and Return to Nazareth

Joseph's faith astounds me. I have enough trouble believing in the things I see and encounter when I am wide awake!

God's providence also amazes me, though. For instance: I am just close enough to a friend's miracle from the past year that it helps sustain my faith and trust.  There have been so many moments in the past few months in which that healing has been the last handhold by which my faith was hanging.

Yet here is Joseph continuing to believe that God is speaking to him in dreams, leading him to Egypt and eventually back home, all for the care of this son who was not biologically his.

Regret

When I hear a remorseful person say that they're going to live with the pain of what they've done for the rest of their life, I have multiple reactions.

• I wonder if they truly understand how much pain the survivors of their actions are in, and just want to let them know that they understand and are sharing in their pain, or whether they are merely absorbed by the painful consequences in their own life.
• If they are sincere, my heart goes out to them, because of my personal knowledge of the truth of how lasting true remorse is. Sometimes I tend to focus on the pain in my own soul, but I usually turn my thoughts to the aftermath of the people I've hurt - the one directly and the rest indirectly - especially as I see the decisions they make in their own life and wonder how much those decisions are rooted in their brokenness.
• I tend to pray that the person will be surrounded by people who can share forgiveness with them, as I have been so blessed to have. When someone is on their way to prison, I pray all the more for them, as that can be a hard place to find mercy.

Today's downer brought to you on behalf of the FAMU band guy who was convicted in the hazing death that occurred.

Conforming (phase 2), The "Hidden Life" and the Value System of Jesus Christ (step 10), session 1

First, some introduction to this step from the manual for this retreat. This step is to call into mind the two standards which compete for our attention:

The meditation puts in front of us the opposing value systems represented by Satan and the world on one side and that of Jesus on the other side in order to reject the first and embrace the latter. - Two Standards: Conflicting Value Systems Defining Our Way

I find myself so absorbed by my current stressors, and in lamenting what I think I will never get from life, that I am often failing to receive Christ in the ways that he continues to come to me.

I realize how terribly behind the calendar I now am, as these next couple sessions clearly fit with the about-to-be concluded Christmas season. But the steps ahead are longer again, so perhaps by simply persevering I will be back on track by Lent. The thing is, God is timeless, so it is sometimes good to consider things out of season, and one may reflect on the mysteries of salvation associated with Christmas and Easter - and the connections between them - throughout the year.

Lk 2:22-29- The Presentation of Jesus in the Temple

And when the time came for their purification according to the law of Moses, they brought him up to Jerusalem to present him to the Lord. - Lk 2, 22

I think it is a testimony to their humility, and a wonderful example and reminder for us, that Jesus' exceptional conception and birth did not leave Mary and Joseph with a sense that they could turn away from the paths which God had ordained for his followers. It is foolish to use the word "required" with respect to God, but I think I have reflected in the past on how Jesus' fulfillment of the law might be facilitated by his compliance with it.

"Lord, now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace, according to thy word . . . "  - Lk 2, 29

I pray a sentiment like this often, of late, though not enough in the spirit which the Church invokes by including the Canticle of Simeon in Compline each night, begging the Lord for a peaceful night's rest. Unlike Simeon, I know that neither my labor nor my joy is yet complete, and I selfishly want my unfulfillment to be at an end. I must trust in God to bring each to completion, and stop rebelling against my circumstances, trusting that God is indeed greater than my troubles and that he has not abandoned me or cast me out of his love.

In my uninformed opinion, this is a strange place for this session to end (Lk 2, 22-29). We don't continue with this passage in the next session. I hope that perhaps we'll revisit the remainder of this canticle around the feast of the Presentation of the Lord.

Conforming (phase 2), God So Loved the World - The Birth of Jesus (step 9), session 7

That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon and touched with our hands, concerning the word of life -- the life was made manifest, and we saw it, and testify to it, and proclaim to you the eternal life which was with the Father and was made manifest to us -- that which we have seen and heard we proclaim also to you, so that you may have fellowship with us; and our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ.  And we are writing this that our joy may be complete. This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light and in him is no darkness at all.

If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not live according to the truth; but if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.  If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just, and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. - 1 Jn 1: 1-10

I got to verse 5, and almost quit reading. Then I read on and saw that St. John is referring to the darkness of sin, and perhaps especially of unacknowledged sin. I suppose the one positive thing that remains true for me is my inability to deny my sinfulness. Yet Jesus cleanses me from my sin, and calls me into his righteousness. Indeed, this is why he came to us.

Now if only some light will shine into the rest of this darkness.

Conforming (phase 2), God So Loved the World - The Birth of Jesus (step 9), session 6

He is the image of the invisible God, the first-born of all creation; for in him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or authorities -- all things were created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. He is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning, the first-born from the dead, that in everything he might be pre-eminent. For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. - Col 1, 15-20

We are fast approaching the end of the Christmas season. In former days, before they removed the Baptism of the Lord (and the wedding feast at Cana) from the observance, it would be over already. Now the Baptism of the Lord closes the Christmas season. Since we cut a real tree each year, ours almost never survives that long. I undecorated it and took it outside the other night. However, we have left the rest of the decorations out until the conclusion of the season.

I see why the retreat would remind us, after we have focused so long on the birth of Jesus of Nazareth, that his existence is from everlasting to everlasting. We of course see this in the previous session's reading from St. John's gospel, and will likely get another reminder in the next session, which uses the beginning of the first epistle of the beloved disciple.

Conforming (phase 2), God So Loved the World - The Birth of Jesus (step 9), session 5

In the beginning

This session uses my favorite Gospel from the different masses of the feast of Christmas.  The vigil mass calls for St. Matthew's account of the genealogy of Jesus and the events from St. Joseph's perspective. The midnight mass reading is the only one to use St. Luke's account of the angels and the shepherds and no room in the inn, and is the Gospel that our parish uses at every. Christmas. mass. for the last ten years, because "everybody wants to hear this one," I guess. The mass at dawn is supposed to use the aftermath of the shepherds' visit, still from St. Luke.

For me, the Gospel designated for the mass during the day is the one that best captures the magnitude and context of the events of which all the others are mere details.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God; all things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. - Jn 1, 1-5

It is as if God himself has delivered these words back to me today, when I have so desperately needed them to overcome my own darkness!

There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. He came for testimony, to bear witness to the light, that all might believe through him.  He was not the light, but came to bear witness to the light.  The true light that enlightens every man was coming into the world.

He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world knew him not. He came to his own home, and his own people received him not. But to all who received him, who believed in his name, he gave power to become children of God; who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God. - Jn 1, 6-13

This is the very point of the only-begotten, eternal son of God becoming a son of Adam: that we might be granted our place as children of God!

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, full of grace and truth; we have beheld his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father.

(John bore witness to him, and cried, "This was he of whom I said, `He who comes after me ranks before me, for he was before me.'") And from his fullness have we all received, grace upon grace. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God; the only Son, who is in the bosom of the Father, he has made him known. - Jn 1, 14-18

I love this gospel reading, and my determination to read it on my own on Christmas day faded away in the decompression of our dear grandchildren being gone and the decision to spend the evening with friends. I am so glad that I have now been brought back to a chance to reflect on it a bit (even if it does mean that I'm about two weeks behind where I should be in the Exercises).

I know better

I know I'm supposed to know a better Answer. I know I've professed to.  

But lately I'm finding my father's path pretty damned compelling, and my Answer pretty elusive.

A good, decades-long friend recently shared about a strong Christian he's recently heard of who struggles with this, who manages to persevere in Christ despite his challenges. I'm strengthened, encouraged a bit, to hear of it.

Stop being stupid, heart

You have no business aching like this.

Conforming (phase 2), God So Loved the World - The Birth of Jesus (step 9), session 4

I've been so pleased with my progress in the Exercises, and was so looking forward to the Christmas season, but it has been an emotional quagmire and I have not exercised the slightest bit of spiritual discipline in the face of it. Last night was relatively calm, but that calls into clarity just how stressful our life has become, as there was still ample conflict.

The Magi

The popular bumper sticker a couple decades ago proclaimed that "Wise Men Still Seek Him," in which case the last couple weeks have revealed my lack of wisdom. It seems as if I don't trust him to lead me beside still waters, to provide abundant pastures for my fulfillment and his glory. (or to help me keep my metaphors straight.)

I want to bring him my very best, but I doubt that I have a very best to bring. I want him to take what I have and let him make it a better offering, but am having trouble trusting myself in the midst of the turmoil. I want to hear his guidance directing me the path by which I am to go home - or on to where he is leading me - but am filled with doubt that he will.

Here is where I am, God, and you are no longer an infant who must be visited by others. Please bring me home.

Conforming (phase 2), God So Loved the World - The Birth of Jesus (step 9), session 3

The Circumcision

And at the end of eight days, when he was circumcised, he was called Jesus, the name given by the angel before he was conceived in the womb. - Lk 2, 21

I suspect they're going to wait to focus on the Presentation in the Temple around the time of that feast day.  But even on this brief scripture there are things to consider. How important it is for us to adhere to what God has revealed as his plan. Though the religious requirement for this tradition has been fulfilled in Jesus, it seems appropriate for Jesus to live under the law if he was going to fulfill it. There is a humility which we often lack in assuming that our own circumstances absolve us of our need to be obedient.

For instance, if someone with whom we are bound in love - covenantally or otherwise - says something that hurts us, the love we continue to bear for them is not mere obligation to which we merely pay lip service or even disregard. Rather God's love in us can carry us through our hurt to continue to respond genuinely to them as we simultaneously deal with our own feelings in an honest and healing way.

Jesus - Yeshua - so named because he delivers his people from our sins, by doing so has shown us how to respond in love rather than in kind when we are hurt.

Compare and contrast

She is afraid to be alone, she says.

So am I.

Her bogeymen are outside her.

Mine are within.

She feels safer in others' company.

I used to, but now I don't.

She's six.

I'm 9 times older.