The only song I've ever heard three times on Excursions: The Three of Me. The first time, it smacked me upside my head. The second time I listened more closely, and later looked up the lyrics and blogged about it. Today it came on while I was power napping with the radio volume on its lowest setting, and it woke me just enough to call me back to work.
I hope that its lack of effect on me this time might mean that the man I was doesn't still have the prominent place in me that I had given him for too long.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Temptation and Sin
It is said that when we sin, temptation lessens. For this reason, Jesus alone knows the full weight of temptation, because He never yielded to it. Many others know that power in one area of their lives or another, but perhaps no one but Christ has ever known it in their weakest area.
Or maybe it's also true that, when we sin, that particular temptation grows stronger the next time. Or does it just feel that way because the will is weak in that area? We probably can't be certain.
And it is probably not very useful to dwell on this overmuch. In either case, it is with the beginnings of gratitude that I observe that purity requires diligence, along with a determination to trust God to do what I never have before. I haven't believed it impossible, but I have dismissed it as less desirable than carnality.
Or maybe it's also true that, when we sin, that particular temptation grows stronger the next time. Or does it just feel that way because the will is weak in that area? We probably can't be certain.
And it is probably not very useful to dwell on this overmuch. In either case, it is with the beginnings of gratitude that I observe that purity requires diligence, along with a determination to trust God to do what I never have before. I haven't believed it impossible, but I have dismissed it as less desirable than carnality.
Sunday, October 30, 2016
A thankful sigh
Thank you, Lord, for getting me through this evening. My clean walls (more to go) and unscathed soul thank You for Your steadfast help. Still, this feels a lot like the start of a build up phase, and I don't want it to be that. Guard my heart and my will, Lord.
The open-minded myth
I was just reading how S. E. Hinton was recently blasted online for daring to suggest that she neither conceived of nor wrote her characters as gay. The "open-minded" liberal community strikes again. Anyone who doesn't agree with their conclusions will feel their wrath.
One reason for this is that the LGBT community was oppressed for "being who they are" for so long that they are determined to never return there. And I get that. The acts of violence committed against those who see and express their sexuality in non-traditional ways have been unconscionable. They are going to see anyone who disagrees with their experience of and conclusions about their sexuality as enabling or even an extension of that violence.
But perhaps there is also this element: when we insist on something that we want to be true, we tend to be militantly defensive about it. Unfortunately, the only answer that satisfies us is for everyone to affirm us.
One reason for this is that the LGBT community was oppressed for "being who they are" for so long that they are determined to never return there. And I get that. The acts of violence committed against those who see and express their sexuality in non-traditional ways have been unconscionable. They are going to see anyone who disagrees with their experience of and conclusions about their sexuality as enabling or even an extension of that violence.
But perhaps there is also this element: when we insist on something that we want to be true, we tend to be militantly defensive about it. Unfortunately, the only answer that satisfies us is for everyone to affirm us.
Saturday, October 29, 2016
Today's not-new word
osculate /AHSS-kyu-layt/ - kiss
Okay, reader. Find someone you love and honor today's word.
Funny follow-up: I forget my wife's vocabulary isn't as broad. So I told her what today's word was, but not what it meant, and then I kissed her. She replied, "Oh, are you hoping it will osculate into something else?" I then explained, "Umm, 'osculate' means 'kiss.' I think you mean 'escalate.'" It was punny, even if unintentional.
Recent page view zip codes
. . . have been in northeastern Indiana near, but not on, my routes to and from South Bend, IN and Three Oaks, MI, (Arcola, IN 46704) and also Vicksburg, MI (Auburn, IN 46706; Corunna, IN 46730), or all of these (Albion, IN 46701)
Not pushing the envelope (edited)
One of the ways that an abuser or other addict perpetuates their cycle is the fool's quest for the point of no return. (Sing it, Steve Walsh, though Kansas used a play on words.) "Where was it that I went wrong?" we ask, never learning (because, unlike WOPR, we can't set the number of players to 0) that the only winning move is to not play.
So the (substance- or behaviorally) addicted person convinces himself that the first step is harmless. We deprive ourselves of the gift of getting beyond the whole environment/dynamic because of the harmless part of it we don't want to give up. Or we don't recognize the earliest indicators, the first red flags (the tension at the base of my skull, the emotional triggers, the key aspects of our personality, the (even unavoidable) environmental factors) that form a key part of the cycle. And we keep playing the game and losing, over and over. Learning and breaking this pattern is what lets me put the word "recovered" in front of abuser, but the motivation for that was so strong: I never wanted to hurt anyone else like that ever again. I didn't hate my own remaining impurity, though, enough to address it with the same intensity, or maybe clarity.
Maybe I'm getting free from all of that now, but it's too early to be certain. In fact, it could well be that certainty is the enemy of freedom. If a benevolent king has brought me victory from my oppressor, I probably shouldn't be seeking to be out from under his influence! I've long been cognizant of a too-common approach to Christianity. It's objective is not to improve us to some point at which we no longer need a Savior because we have "arrived" at a sufficient level of wholeness. Rather, we need to recognize that we are only whole in relationship with Him, and our weakness then becomes a reminder to always stay close to Him.
So the (substance- or behaviorally) addicted person convinces himself that the first step is harmless. We deprive ourselves of the gift of getting beyond the whole environment/dynamic because of the harmless part of it we don't want to give up. Or we don't recognize the earliest indicators, the first red flags (the tension at the base of my skull, the emotional triggers, the key aspects of our personality, the (even unavoidable) environmental factors) that form a key part of the cycle. And we keep playing the game and losing, over and over. Learning and breaking this pattern is what lets me put the word "recovered" in front of abuser, but the motivation for that was so strong: I never wanted to hurt anyone else like that ever again. I didn't hate my own remaining impurity, though, enough to address it with the same intensity, or maybe clarity.
Maybe I'm getting free from all of that now, but it's too early to be certain. In fact, it could well be that certainty is the enemy of freedom. If a benevolent king has brought me victory from my oppressor, I probably shouldn't be seeking to be out from under his influence! I've long been cognizant of a too-common approach to Christianity. It's objective is not to improve us to some point at which we no longer need a Savior because we have "arrived" at a sufficient level of wholeness. Rather, we need to recognize that we are only whole in relationship with Him, and our weakness then becomes a reminder to always stay close to Him.
Friday, October 28, 2016
As I participate with Grace
It's good for me to work through these things, to finally see this aspect clearly.
I wish I didn't feel so alone while I do.
At the same time, there is probably really only One to whom I should look for support. But He usually isn't very tangible.
In whatever form He sends me His arms, I'll take them.
I wish I didn't feel so alone while I do.
At the same time, there is probably really only One to whom I should look for support. But He usually isn't very tangible.
In whatever form He sends me His arms, I'll take them.
Today's (not new) word
variegated /VAIR-ee-uh-'gay-tud/ - 1. having discrete markings of different colors 2. various, diverse, varied
I know this word because of my great aunt Emma (after whom my granddaughter Emma is not named), who always had a crocheting project going, and it was almost always an afghan. Her old hands would work surely, seemingly on their own as she carried on conversations or watched television, except when, depending on the pattern of her current project, she'd stop periodically to recount when she lost track of the number of stitches she'd completed. She often used variegated yarn.
That's not the memory that made me want to blog this word that I know, though. The year after my dad died, mom didn't work, and we lived off of his insurance and social security for a while. She needed something to do to keep her from losing her mind; idleness was poison to her. So she decided to crochet afghans for my sister and I. Her aunt got her started with the first two rows of mine, her first afghan ever, and then she took over. It was a simple chevron pattern with alternating orange and white stripes. But because she was new to crocheting, her stitches weren't as tight as Aunt Em's were, so my afghan was wider at one end than the other. I still treasure it, though. (It was not, however, made of variegated yarn.) I think I still have my late sister's, too, but maybe have handed it down to our middle daughter, her goddaughter.
I hate this feeling (edited)
I've been feeling this tense dread at the base of my skull for almost forty years without recognizing it. It's the feeling of resignation to the inevitable detestable abomination. It is the knowledge that I am eventually going to give in to whatever he wants to do to me (with me; my brain wrongly agrees with him that it is what I want, too), of knowing that he won't be so kind as to completely force himself on me, even though he has left me with no way to escape until I yield. No, he's going to make me know that I have chosen to experience that overwhelming rush of the pleasurable release of orgasm, followed by the crushing shame of what I've just done. This is that feeling, that I'm going to end up hating myself, or maybe just that I'm going to prove again how deserving I am to be loathed. He's my mother's boyfriend: how could I do this with him?
I hate this feeling. I can't believe how familiar this lifelong physical sensation of tension in the face of temptation is, without my having ever been aware of it. I completely hate - totally abhor - that I let it be part of multiple behavior patterns, including my worst one.
Now I believe that God is using it as a means of my freedom. Each time I notice it, it reminds me of where my emotions and habits will be taking me if I don't give myself over to my loving Savior in this very moment.
At least, that is how it has been working thus far. If this is how it is to be, it is to become the Maror of my Seder, a pointed reminder of my bitter slavery, now that I have been set free.
I hate this feeling. I can't believe how familiar this lifelong physical sensation of tension in the face of temptation is, without my having ever been aware of it. I completely hate - totally abhor - that I let it be part of multiple behavior patterns, including my worst one.
Now I believe that God is using it as a means of my freedom. Each time I notice it, it reminds me of where my emotions and habits will be taking me if I don't give myself over to my loving Savior in this very moment.
At least, that is how it has been working thus far. If this is how it is to be, it is to become the Maror of my Seder, a pointed reminder of my bitter slavery, now that I have been set free.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
The reason it's important
If the objective of our life was primarily to avoid sin, it wouldn't much matter whether we did it by grace or by brute force of will. (Let us set aside for a moment the impossibility of the latter.)
But it isn't!
So the reason it's important to turn to God when we're feeling weak and vulnerable isn't just to be helped through whatever degree of crisis we might be facing, and the reason for turning to Him when we are feeling strong isn't so that we won't stumble when we're feeling weak.
It's a little like the incredulous question the late Fr. Neuhaus raises in Death on a Friday Afternoon, while he's speculating about whether God's desire for every beloved son and daughter of His to be saved might actually be fulfilled. He talks about those whose response to that possibility is worry about the benefit of walking with the Lord, then, if our destiny ends up being the same, if God's grace really manages to overcome every person's sin. I'm probably paraphrasing his response: What's the point‽ The point is that you get to walk with the Lord!!
No benefit we might think passes us by when we turn away from sin to walk more closely with Him comes anywhere near that of knowing the One who loves us like no other! And no righteous side effect of avoiding sin compares with this joy, either.
There are many who approach faith as if it is primarily about its beneficial effects on society. They are as wrong as those who elevate any other gift of God above the presence of God Himself. The second greatest commandment is important, but there's a Reason it isn't the greatest!
But it isn't!
So the reason it's important to turn to God when we're feeling weak and vulnerable isn't just to be helped through whatever degree of crisis we might be facing, and the reason for turning to Him when we are feeling strong isn't so that we won't stumble when we're feeling weak.
It's a little like the incredulous question the late Fr. Neuhaus raises in Death on a Friday Afternoon, while he's speculating about whether God's desire for every beloved son and daughter of His to be saved might actually be fulfilled. He talks about those whose response to that possibility is worry about the benefit of walking with the Lord, then, if our destiny ends up being the same, if God's grace really manages to overcome every person's sin. I'm probably paraphrasing his response: What's the point‽ The point is that you get to walk with the Lord!!
No benefit we might think passes us by when we turn away from sin to walk more closely with Him comes anywhere near that of knowing the One who loves us like no other! And no righteous side effect of avoiding sin compares with this joy, either.
There are many who approach faith as if it is primarily about its beneficial effects on society. They are as wrong as those who elevate any other gift of God above the presence of God Himself. The second greatest commandment is important, but there's a Reason it isn't the greatest!
Area of weakness
I thank You, Lord, for a morning of not feeling particularly weak, but still knowing it was because of Your grace and Your Spirit being at work. I know there will be more challenging times to come, and that turning to You when I'm not feeling especially vulnerable is every bit as important as doing so when I am.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Time to quit a game
I've been playing Flow Free, Bridges. But when I start seeing dots and pipe and unsolvable puzzles in my sleep, it's time to find another pastime.
God?
I can't. I can't want to. But I also don't want to return to my chains.
You do it.
(Later addition: THANK YOU!)
You do it.
(Later addition: THANK YOU!)
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
A slow learner
We've been married 35 years, 10 months, and 12 days (and a few hours), so I can't believe we're having this conversation: yes, we need to coordinate schedules before making plans. No, I'm not being a controlling jackass for pointing this out. (I mean, a control freak would raise this issue, too, but with a very different emotional dynamic.)
And: I shouldn't be surprised that you're just dismissing my concerns; that's how you respond when I raise an issue. Sometimes you proceed to ignore it, other times you come around. We'll see which this is.
You drive me crazy. I love you.
And: I shouldn't be surprised that you're just dismissing my concerns; that's how you respond when I raise an issue. Sometimes you proceed to ignore it, other times you come around. We'll see which this is.
You drive me crazy. I love you.
The struggle is still real . . .
. . . even when I'm not writing about it. It used to be that I mostly didn't write about it because I wasn't engaged in it (i.e. I'd failed again, or wasn't even trying not to). But if this is going to be my new normal, I'm going to have to not write about it more often, even when I'm successful in resisting a temptation or I'm encountering a complication because of another frustration in my life.
That doesn't mean I'm not gratefully celebrating God's grace each time He doesn't "suffer my foot to slip." (I still love Psalm 121.) It's all the more important that I do, lest I get puffed up about "my" success, which past experience have shown me is swiftly fleeting. How many allegedly "well-kept" Lenten seasons have I followed up with Easter seasons that convinced me of my depravity?
That doesn't mean I'm not gratefully celebrating God's grace each time He doesn't "suffer my foot to slip." (I still love Psalm 121.) It's all the more important that I do, lest I get puffed up about "my" success, which past experience have shown me is swiftly fleeting. How many allegedly "well-kept" Lenten seasons have I followed up with Easter seasons that convinced me of my depravity?
Monday, October 24, 2016
Yesterday's word
I wasn't staying up even for the few minutes it would have taken to share this one when I saw it just before bedtime last night.
glaucous /GLAW-kus/ - 1a. of a pale yellow-green color b. of a light bluish-gray or bluish-white color 2. having a powdery or waxy coating that gives a frosted appearance and tends to rub off
glaucous /GLAW-kus/ - 1a. of a pale yellow-green color b. of a light bluish-gray or bluish-white color 2. having a powdery or waxy coating that gives a frosted appearance and tends to rub off
Regarding the definitions 1a and 1b: decide already.
Why I fail
First off, you probably don't want to know this about me. (Cowardly Lion slowly reads from sign: "I'd turn back if I were you." No, really, you should.)
Secondly, and very importantly to me, I've never used this as an excuse for my own actions, and I'm not starting now. But it can be important to know how patterns in our life became ingrained us. That said, this pattern belonged to me before he seared it into my being. I have already repented of and renounced the actions of my youth when it began, and forgiven my forebears for their choices which left me vulnerable.
I've written before about the weekend when he transitioned from grooming me to sexually abusing me. This first incident, on Thanksgiving weekend of 1977 at the YMCA in NYC - so pardon me for never agreeing that it's fun to stay there - was also the first time he prevented me from leaving. I resisted his entreaties for the longest time before eventually submitting to them - and to my own arousal. He was right, of course, that first time: he was only asking me to do in front of him what I already did privately. My own choices are an important part of what made me vulnerable to him. But the pattern I'm now dealing with began to be ingrained into me as he stood there, between me and the door, until my "no" began to yield to "I don't think so," and eventually, "I suppose," resulting in the overwhelming pleasure of the orgasm, and the crushing shame.
Later, in his secret apartment in Baltimore, on multiple occasions he would physically overcome me to impose his will on me, but it still resulted in my cooperation in the end, with its invariable physical and endorphic (if that's a word and not just a band name) payoff. I don't say that anymore to heap blame on myself for something that wasn't my fault. But it's important to really understand how the pattern of eventually giving in became a part of me. I gave in before him, so I'd already invited in that spiritual influence, but he bound me to it when he stole the power from me to be able to not give in when I didn't want to, no matter how determined I was not to.
I am still responsible for my own decisions, though, and that really is the point of dredging up these ugly memories.
So now I take that power back.
That's one of the things I love about Unbound: if something was taken from you spiritually, you can take it back!
Secondly, and very importantly to me, I've never used this as an excuse for my own actions, and I'm not starting now. But it can be important to know how patterns in our life became ingrained us. That said, this pattern belonged to me before he seared it into my being. I have already repented of and renounced the actions of my youth when it began, and forgiven my forebears for their choices which left me vulnerable.
I've written before about the weekend when he transitioned from grooming me to sexually abusing me. This first incident, on Thanksgiving weekend of 1977 at the YMCA in NYC - so pardon me for never agreeing that it's fun to stay there - was also the first time he prevented me from leaving. I resisted his entreaties for the longest time before eventually submitting to them - and to my own arousal. He was right, of course, that first time: he was only asking me to do in front of him what I already did privately. My own choices are an important part of what made me vulnerable to him. But the pattern I'm now dealing with began to be ingrained into me as he stood there, between me and the door, until my "no" began to yield to "I don't think so," and eventually, "I suppose," resulting in the overwhelming pleasure of the orgasm, and the crushing shame.
Later, in his secret apartment in Baltimore, on multiple occasions he would physically overcome me to impose his will on me, but it still resulted in my cooperation in the end, with its invariable physical and endorphic (if that's a word and not just a band name) payoff. I don't say that anymore to heap blame on myself for something that wasn't my fault. But it's important to really understand how the pattern of eventually giving in became a part of me. I gave in before him, so I'd already invited in that spiritual influence, but he bound me to it when he stole the power from me to be able to not give in when I didn't want to, no matter how determined I was not to.
I am still responsible for my own decisions, though, and that really is the point of dredging up these ugly memories.
So now I take that power back.
That's one of the things I love about Unbound: if something was taken from you spiritually, you can take it back!
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Four decades of failure . . .
. . . make failure feel inevitable. I'm sharing this now, when I'm not alone and not immediately tempted. Addicts and alcoholics in recovery mark the passing time of their sobriety and somehow eventually lose the sense that failure is certain. But the successful ones also have a support network of meetings, sponsors, etc.
Still, I believe in my deliverance by my Savior's power and authority, and I believe in a truth that is greater than my fear of failure - a fear which I continue to renounce in the name of Jesus. And, in my moments of "opportunity" to sin, I will have this reminder that each is also an opportunity to live as the redeemed and restored son of my loving Father, who empowers me by His very Spirit living within me because He is so crazy in love with me.
Still, I believe in my deliverance by my Savior's power and authority, and I believe in a truth that is greater than my fear of failure - a fear which I continue to renounce in the name of Jesus. And, in my moments of "opportunity" to sin, I will have this reminder that each is also an opportunity to live as the redeemed and restored son of my loving Father, who empowers me by His very Spirit living within me because He is so crazy in love with me.
What I meant yesterday and where I am today
I may have left the impression that the reason I hate going to bed alone on a nightly basis is mainly sexual. It isn't, and last night, when I didn't, was nice, even though we weren't.
But today still feels very dark, sitting here alone, to the point that I awoke from my impromptu - and poorly positioned - nap (my neck hurts) thinking about a place and a means. So instead of taking action on either of those, I believe I'll change clothes and get some exercise.
I know my other, former means of self-medicating will only take me closer to the edge afterward. (In case it isn't obvious: I'm feeling tempted to. Heavenly Papa, please help me.)
But today still feels very dark, sitting here alone, to the point that I awoke from my impromptu - and poorly positioned - nap (my neck hurts) thinking about a place and a means. So instead of taking action on either of those, I believe I'll change clothes and get some exercise.
I know my other, former means of self-medicating will only take me closer to the edge afterward. (In case it isn't obvious: I'm feeling tempted to. Heavenly Papa, please help me.)
Saturday, October 22, 2016
Things my stepfather said that were true
There is no substitute for having the right tools for the job.
You can't make a racehorse out of a jackass.
You can't make a racehorse out of a jackass.
Thank you, Lord
. . . for keeping me close to You, for planting and nurturing and guarding my desire to please You.
Today's word
orphrey /OR-free/ - 1a. elaborate embroidery b. a piece of such embroidery 2. an ornamental border or band especially on an ecclesiastical vestment
I may have known today's WOTD (frieze), but I didn't know this related word.
I've finally figured out why . . .
. . . you'd rather stay up late watching television every night than come to bed with me, no matter how many times we've discussed how it makes me feel.
I must really suck in the sack.
I'm incredibly obtuse, too. It only took me 39 years of mediocre sex to figure it out.
</sarcasm>
(finally figured out how to make that faux html tag work)
So that at least one positive comes from this: in the name of Jesus, I repent of my current self-centeredness, and of having premarital sexual relations.
I must really suck in the sack.
I'm incredibly obtuse, too. It only took me 39 years of mediocre sex to figure it out.
</sarcasm>
(finally figured out how to make that faux html tag work)
So that at least one positive comes from this: in the name of Jesus, I repent of my current self-centeredness, and of having premarital sexual relations.
Friday, October 21, 2016
Today's pageview zip codes
Argos, IN 46501, Atwood, IN 46502 I have passed just north of these zip code twice - well, on both legs of round trips on two separate occasions. The first time was in 1988, with our friends Herb and Maureen as we attended the national charismatic conference at Notre Dame. This was my only visit to the campus, and I can understand why people love it. This was just a couple months after my sister had passed away, suddenly and unexpectedly at age 23, due to a drug problem none of us knew she had. I didn't fully realize how filled with remorse I was over the role I might have played in her drug issues in my younger days - by the conference I'd turned 28 (so a dear friend was a newborn!) - and that I'd never really shared the gospel with her following my conversion experience. After the sessions late one night, I joined others at the grotto and felt led to ask for prayer, though I wasn't really sure for what. I was surprised when I heard myself sharing with the prayer team the burden that I didn't even realize was on my heart. As they prayed with me, I had the experience of being "slain in the Spirit" for the only time in my life, as the Holy Spirit brought me God's consolation in my grief and flooded me with a deep sense of His mercy and love. I laid there for what felt like a half hour but was probably only a few minutes, allowing my loving Lord to minister to me, and arose with a deep sense of gratitude for His forgiveness and with a truly peaceful spirit, as the months-long tension with which I'd been unwittingly living was lifted from me. The next day I found myself able to join in the praise and worship with abandon.
My second trip through the area was on my way to and from the Apple Cider Century in Three Oaks, MI. At that point, I still had aspirations of doing a century (100-mile ride) in every state, back before my cramping issues really developed. I'll have to look at my shirt from that ride to see what year it was, or perhaps I have information in a scrapbook at home. Memories of the ride: I overnighted at a motel west of South Bend and drove the last 25 miles the morning of the ride; a pancake breakfast was served in the town firehouse; there was apple cider to drink at every rest stop; the ride was very well supported; route markings were in the shape of an apple, and color coded for the five different length rides; I ended up feeling a little as if I had cheated on my goal, because about 45 miles of the century route was in Indiana; I talked with some folks at both breakfast and lunch who had come over from Chicago for the ride; lunch was at park in a neighborhood with a beautiful view of Lake Michigan. A coworker friend did this ride just a few years ago and lunch was no longer at such a picturesque venue.
My second trip through the area was on my way to and from the Apple Cider Century in Three Oaks, MI. At that point, I still had aspirations of doing a century (100-mile ride) in every state, back before my cramping issues really developed. I'll have to look at my shirt from that ride to see what year it was, or perhaps I have information in a scrapbook at home. Memories of the ride: I overnighted at a motel west of South Bend and drove the last 25 miles the morning of the ride; a pancake breakfast was served in the town firehouse; there was apple cider to drink at every rest stop; the ride was very well supported; route markings were in the shape of an apple, and color coded for the five different length rides; I ended up feeling a little as if I had cheated on my goal, because about 45 miles of the century route was in Indiana; I talked with some folks at both breakfast and lunch who had come over from Chicago for the ride; lunch was at park in a neighborhood with a beautiful view of Lake Michigan. A coworker friend did this ride just a few years ago and lunch was no longer at such a picturesque venue.
The other song . . .
. . . that really spoke to me last week:
REFRAIN:
Help me, Lord. I am in need,
reaching out to You.
Call to me with Your own voice,
The voice that I once knew.
In my darkest night I wait for You,
Longing to be free
Let me hear my name by Your own voice
Calling out to me.
All around me, Lord, is darkness
Drawing me away.
Bring me back you. Just call my name.
Show me, Lord, Your way.
When I reach for you, I tremble, Lord.
I am filled with fear.
Will you hold me, Lord, in Your embrace,
Wrapping me with care?
- Jerry Galipeau, Help Me, Lord, WLPI have been very comforted to discover that the answer to that last question is always "yes."
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Today's words
hoick /hoik/ - to move or pull abruptly : yank
I immediately saw the relationship between today's word and "hike," but guessed wrong about which came first in this context.adaption /uh-DAP-shun, a-/ - adaptation
One of my coworkers used this in a proposal I'm reviewing. It made sense to me that it could be a word, but I had to look it up to see that it is.
Being honest with God
Dear Lord, my heavenly Papa, I'm weak and afraid. Even though I've renounced it as a lie before, I have a hard time fully believing that he wasn't right. Sometimes I'm more afraid of missing out on incredible pleasure than I am of not living according to Your plan for me. I know that's a lack in my faith, and I repent of it, and renounce doubt. But I'm not leaning on my faith, nor cowering in my weakness. I'm leaning on You, the only Daddy who has never let me down.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Today's word
colubrine /KAHL-yuh-bryne/ - 1. of, relating to, or resembling a snake 2. of or relating to a large cosmopolitan family (Colubridae) of chiefly nonvenomous snakes
I thought I already had a post somewhere on this blog with a list of adjectives that describe animals. If so, I can't seem to remember any of the animal adjectives on it: bovine returns only a post I won't link to because I'm a little annoyed with myself over it, in retrospect; ovine leads to a possibly insightful post I wrote while observing from a distance as a friend increased the level of chaos in his own home; canine leads to an interesting lesson our dog once taught me and a darker morning from a couple years ago than I have since seen the likes of; the rest that I can think of off the top of my head - feline, leonine, lupine, and vulpine - don't yield any search results.
All of that is to say that I don't remember colubrine being on the list - and there were more than I've listed above on there - that I remember working on somewhere, but which I can't now find, anyway.
Exodus
In a time and place of repeated failure, I turn to You, Lord. I place my desire to be with You ahead of my habit of not being able to make "no" last. He may have imposed that pattern in me against my will, long decades ago, but I long since accepted it as part of me. You've now set me free from the spirit of slavery; let me not, in the desert of my fear, look to return to my bondage, as Your people did in their Exodus. Help me through this desert. I will trust You to make a way for me through the sea. I will eat Your manna and quail without grumbling. I will trust You to draw water from the Rock. And I believe that You will lead me to the land of milk and honey, into which I will trust You to deliver me.
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Note to self:
(as if, given my known readership, this entire blog wasn't just a note to myself . . . )
Being stretched is a good thing.
Being stretched is a good thing.
Today's word
jacquerie /zhah-kuh-REE/ - (often capitalized) a peasants' revolt
After a bit of a lull last week, we're back to interesting new words this week. I think I've seen this one before, but not often, and it was by no means in my regular vocabulary.
Side effects
There can be many ways in which we primarily approach God as a means to some other end: health, success, wealth, self-improvement, the life we imagine, relationships, morality.
Many benefits can accrue to our lives when we know God, and every one of them can become an idol. The only real, lasting benefit of knowing God is in knowing the One who loves us most, growing intimate with Him, having our hearts simultaneously rejoice and break with love for God and our neighbor.
Many benefits can accrue to our lives when we know God, and every one of them can become an idol. The only real, lasting benefit of knowing God is in knowing the One who loves us most, growing intimate with Him, having our hearts simultaneously rejoice and break with love for God and our neighbor.
Monday, October 17, 2016
Today's word
ab initio /ab-ih-NISH-ee-oh/ - from the beginning
This definition is certainly not a surprise, and I am sure I'd have recognized this word had I encountered it in context, even though it wasn't familiar. My brain insists on using the Latin pronunciation of words that are clearly directly from that language; in this case, I want to pronounce this as /ahb-ee-NEET-see-oh/.
Today's pageview zip code
Gary, IN 46403, 46409 - I've definitely driven through these on my way to and from Chicago. I went through the second one on my first trip, on my way around to Oakbrook Terrace, and through the first one when my bride and I made our Chicago trip the following year. We had a great weekend in which we took in a play (Cabaret, with Teri Hatcher) and a baseball game (Orioles at White Sox), and I introduced her to both Maggiano's and Giordano's, as well as had my first Chicago style hot dog.
I just remembered that there was a third trip, too, to set up for a trade show in 1997. In fact, now that I think about the details, I'm pretty sure the trip I mentioned in last week's post actually followed that one, and that this trade show trip was when I visited both Maggiano's and Giordano's for the first time.
I just remembered that there was a third trip, too, to set up for a trade show in 1997. In fact, now that I think about the details, I'm pretty sure the trip I mentioned in last week's post actually followed that one, and that this trade show trip was when I visited both Maggiano's and Giordano's for the first time.
More follow up
Or: An area of weakness, humble faith, and fear of failure
One of the realities that Neal Lozano describes concerning deliverance, in the context of the Unbound model but also of deliverance in general, is that it "moves us from an area of bondage to an area of weakness." He says that this sounds bad, and he's right, it does, and he's right again: it isn't. When we know we are weak and we depend on Christ in those areas, then we are actually strong.
When we've struggled in an area for decades of our life, it can be a challenge to have faith that God will really provide victory in the long term. This is an additional reason why faith (along with repentance) is the first key to spiritual freedom: we must believe that God loves us and wants us to know the victory He has won for us. But this victory is different from everything we have learned about winning in our physical and professional lives. We learn that we are victorious when we work harder than our opponents and make our own skills stronger than theirs. It's Fr. Spitzer's "comparative identity" again: we know most of our victories in comparison to others' defeats. (I suppose that this previous post contains my best description of Fr. Spitzer's concept.) Our pride can come into play here, too: most of us want the affirmation that comes from knowing that we have accomplished what we set out to do.
Conversely, we may also need to renounce the spirit of fear - fear of failure - that can further complicate the dynamics of any area of our lives over which we have struggled unsuccessfully. Yielding to this fear can provide an entryway for a spirit of anxiety in our lives, as well. All of these things can be ours to deal with in the flesh, but they can also have a spiritual element that comes to inhabit them and hold us in bondage to our shortcomings. As I write about this, I feel the tension at the base of my skull building, confirming that these weaknesses and spiritual influences have been at work in my life for decades. And now I also recognize them as the schemes of my adversary to keep me from living in the power of Jesus' cross and resurrection in this area of my life.
When I trust that it is better to allow God's victory to have its way in my life than it would be to have any victory on my own, and I truly believe in God who truly wants me to know the joy of leaning on Him each step of the way, then in the Name of Jesus I can renounce the spirits of pride, doubt, fear, anxiety, and impurity, break the hold they have had over my life, and command them to go, and they have no choice but to leave, because I have both revoked the authority I may have previously given them to stay and embraced Jesus' authority over them, under which I am now living.
It may take some time for my own behavioral habit or tendency to fade, but as I turn to God in these moments of temptation, I trust that I will find that His strength will overcome my weakness. Indeed, I must never long for the day when I don't need Him for victory in this area, but rather desire to be more dependent on Him rather than more independent. In this way, I will develop a different habit and tendency to replace the one to which I have been bound for so long, which is a mere side effect of the greater gift of walking more closely with the One who loves me perfectly.
One of the realities that Neal Lozano describes concerning deliverance, in the context of the Unbound model but also of deliverance in general, is that it "moves us from an area of bondage to an area of weakness." He says that this sounds bad, and he's right, it does, and he's right again: it isn't. When we know we are weak and we depend on Christ in those areas, then we are actually strong.
When we've struggled in an area for decades of our life, it can be a challenge to have faith that God will really provide victory in the long term. This is an additional reason why faith (along with repentance) is the first key to spiritual freedom: we must believe that God loves us and wants us to know the victory He has won for us. But this victory is different from everything we have learned about winning in our physical and professional lives. We learn that we are victorious when we work harder than our opponents and make our own skills stronger than theirs. It's Fr. Spitzer's "comparative identity" again: we know most of our victories in comparison to others' defeats. (I suppose that this previous post contains my best description of Fr. Spitzer's concept.) Our pride can come into play here, too: most of us want the affirmation that comes from knowing that we have accomplished what we set out to do.
Conversely, we may also need to renounce the spirit of fear - fear of failure - that can further complicate the dynamics of any area of our lives over which we have struggled unsuccessfully. Yielding to this fear can provide an entryway for a spirit of anxiety in our lives, as well. All of these things can be ours to deal with in the flesh, but they can also have a spiritual element that comes to inhabit them and hold us in bondage to our shortcomings. As I write about this, I feel the tension at the base of my skull building, confirming that these weaknesses and spiritual influences have been at work in my life for decades. And now I also recognize them as the schemes of my adversary to keep me from living in the power of Jesus' cross and resurrection in this area of my life.
When I trust that it is better to allow God's victory to have its way in my life than it would be to have any victory on my own, and I truly believe in God who truly wants me to know the joy of leaning on Him each step of the way, then in the Name of Jesus I can renounce the spirits of pride, doubt, fear, anxiety, and impurity, break the hold they have had over my life, and command them to go, and they have no choice but to leave, because I have both revoked the authority I may have previously given them to stay and embraced Jesus' authority over them, under which I am now living.
It may take some time for my own behavioral habit or tendency to fade, but as I turn to God in these moments of temptation, I trust that I will find that His strength will overcome my weakness. Indeed, I must never long for the day when I don't need Him for victory in this area, but rather desire to be more dependent on Him rather than more independent. In this way, I will develop a different habit and tendency to replace the one to which I have been bound for so long, which is a mere side effect of the greater gift of walking more closely with the One who loves me perfectly.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
A nice day together
Left after Mass for a train ride in Lebanon. Hung out in town for a while after it. Drove back to Centerville for dinner at City Barbecue, where they were giving away the very game I'd mentioned wanting to buy just a week or so ago. Visited briefly with oldest daughter to drop off some of her kids' stuff they'd left here. Came home and played Pass the Pigs. Then watched what my wife wanted on television before (soon) calling it a night.
Timely readings, sermon, songs
Though I walk in darkness, through the needle's eye of death, you never leave my side. - Shelter Me, O God, Bob Hurd
Great readings on perseverance today, including a Psalm (121) that once helped keep me alive.
Great readings on perseverance today, including a Psalm (121) that once helped keep me alive.
Strengths, weaknesses
We love each other.
We are committed to one another (not merely to the concept of marriage).
We still enjoy each other's company.
We seek opportunities to grow together - though not as frequently as we used to.
We are willing to bear the ups and downs of life.
We each have a strong spirituality, and an appreciation for the other's.
We bear with challenges.
Our individual strengths are complementary.
We sincerely don't want to hurt each other, and we know this is true even when the other does something that hurts us.
We trust that God will get us through even the toughest things, and use them for good.
Besides our family, we have virtually no meaningful common interests.
One of us is unwilling to change something that's killing the other.
One of us has become an ungrateful wretch who, despite the last listed strength, too frequently wishes he could die.
We are committed to one another (not merely to the concept of marriage).
We still enjoy each other's company.
We seek opportunities to grow together - though not as frequently as we used to.
We are willing to bear the ups and downs of life.
We each have a strong spirituality, and an appreciation for the other's.
We bear with challenges.
Our individual strengths are complementary.
We sincerely don't want to hurt each other, and we know this is true even when the other does something that hurts us.
We trust that God will get us through even the toughest things, and use them for good.
Besides our family, we have virtually no meaningful common interests.
One of us is unwilling to change something that's killing the other.
One of us has become an ungrateful wretch who, despite the last listed strength, too frequently wishes he could die.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
I'm pretty sure God honors the intent
. . . When you give your confessor a wrong piece of information and so he gives you a penance that you can't complete. :(
I got as close as I could . . .
I got as close as I could . . .
What if?
What if this impurity that I have renounced, and over which I am feeling as if I am now finally relying on Christ for victory, was serving as a means of escaping . . . something more threatening?
Friday, October 14, 2016
A physical/emotional response
I just noticed a strange and revelatory response I had (have, I'm pretty sure; it felt familiar) to a frequent thought. I was setting aside a temptation to engage in an impure thought process that leads me to sin, partly because I just received prayer for this area last night in preparation for this weekend's Unbound seminar. It was the most subtly sublime moment of grace-filled, Spirit-driven self revelation, concerning a physio-emotional response that I have to temptation. As I decided to not engage in this thought process, I felt the muscles at the base of my skull contract, and I noticed that I thought of why I don't want to engage in that thought process right now, as if I was reserving it to return to at a later time.
As I say, this felt familiar, and I considered other recent times that I have felt this physical sensation. It turns out that it has never been so much a rejection as a postponement of my tempting thoughts, and it is a reason I have not been able to persevere in purity in this area. I then considered when else I have felt like this: it also turns out that this response was seared into me when I was being sexually abused. It is directly related to my resignation to my physical inability to ever force my way past my stepfather to escape from the room when I was a teenager. It became part of the inevitability of my submission to him sexually, and subsequently of my submission to sexual impurity in general.
Wow. This is exactly the sort of red flag I should have learned about in one of my rounds of therapy. It's a question I would now ask of anyone who shared that they struggle in a given area: go back to the beginning of the latest incident, and let's go through how your body physically responded before you realized you were responding. Then: when is the earliest time you remember feeling that way?
I'm not going to assume that the battle is over now. But I understand something about it that I never did before, a physical and emotional and thought process that ties in with the spiritual aspect that I've tried to invoke previously. Perhaps, now that I have all four pieces, I can have lasting victory in this area.
As I say, this felt familiar, and I considered other recent times that I have felt this physical sensation. It turns out that it has never been so much a rejection as a postponement of my tempting thoughts, and it is a reason I have not been able to persevere in purity in this area. I then considered when else I have felt like this: it also turns out that this response was seared into me when I was being sexually abused. It is directly related to my resignation to my physical inability to ever force my way past my stepfather to escape from the room when I was a teenager. It became part of the inevitability of my submission to him sexually, and subsequently of my submission to sexual impurity in general.
Wow. This is exactly the sort of red flag I should have learned about in one of my rounds of therapy. It's a question I would now ask of anyone who shared that they struggle in a given area: go back to the beginning of the latest incident, and let's go through how your body physically responded before you realized you were responding. Then: when is the earliest time you remember feeling that way?
I'm not going to assume that the battle is over now. But I understand something about it that I never did before, a physical and emotional and thought process that ties in with the spiritual aspect that I've tried to invoke previously. Perhaps, now that I have all four pieces, I can have lasting victory in this area.
Today's pageview zip code
Hammond, IN 46324 I drove through here on my first trip to Chicago, a business visit to train field engineers to use our new knowledge base. I stayed in Oakbrook Terrace and road the El into the city for my first visit. I had dinner at Maggiano's with our department head, and had my first Giordano's pizza. Before I left our local service manager took a few of us to a very foggy dessert at the top of the Hancock building, after making us momentarily fear for our lives by turning the wrong way on a partially closed street. I'd later return with Teri for a weekend date, but we didn't pass through this zip code together because we stayed in the city proper.
Thursday, October 13, 2016
An unexpected blessing
After we finished making final arrangements for Saturday's Unbound video seminar, we had an opportunity to pray for one another. I was so pleased! God provided exactly what I needed, again!
Today's pageview zip codes
Beverly Shores, IN 46301
Chesterton, IN 46304
I'm betting this is an expensive area to live in . . .
Chesterton, IN 46304
I'm betting this is an expensive area to live in . . .
Today's words
univocal /yoo-NIV-uh-kul/ - 1. having one meaning only 2. unambiguous
Today's WOTD. More belowequivocal /i-KWIV-uh-kul/ - 1. having two or more possible meanings 2. not easily understood or explained
Had I encountered these two words in the opposite order, I might have interpreted them both correctly. But my (mental) pronunciation error when I saw the WOTD as /,yoo-ni-VOH-kul/ led me to interpret it more in accordance with its obsolete meaning. That pronunciation continued over as I read the second word, which is actually a long-established member of my working vocabulary (along with its antonym, "unequivocal," which I now see has a shorter synonym) that I now misread as /,ee-kwih-VOH-kul/. The reader can probably see how I'd misinterpret, given that pronunciation, as referring to two equally strong voices.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
It's also pretty cool . . .
. . . when a former coworker for whom you served as a reference gets the job!
It's a good sign . . .
. . . when the new pastoral associate for music ministry sacrifices a half hour of her first rehearsal so that we could pray a really awesome evensong together!
Today's word
phlegmatic /fleg-MAT-ik/ - 1. resembling, consisting of, or producing the humor phlegm 2. having or showing a slow and stolid temperament
I encounter this word fairly frequently, and every time I do I initially think that it means "sickly." Even when I remember that it's about temperament rather than health status, I rarely interpret it rightly. At least its own roots are just as confounding.
The quotation in the second example disturbed me, initially. I thought that it fit my mood a little too well. Then I googled the source, and it turns out that almost every statement in the color test fits me to some degree, which makes it, in its generality and to the (article, not book) author's point, a little like every horoscope ever written.
There should be a law . . .
. . . against people who already have sixteen weekly network television programs (not including The Bachelor/Bachelorette when they return) that they watch religiously, plus a daily soap opera, also throwing Netflix series into the mix.
Just sayin'.
Oh, wait: that isn't the sort of thing that should need legislation, is it?
I'm reminded of what I heard Matthew Kelly say on more than one occasion: we can never get enough of what we don't really need.
Just sayin'.
Oh, wait: that isn't the sort of thing that should need legislation, is it?
I'm reminded of what I heard Matthew Kelly say on more than one occasion: we can never get enough of what we don't really need.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Early morning swim
I have been wanting to get back into the pool, and Team RWB has given me a chance to do that at least once per month, and maybe twice. Maybe I'll finally get that first triathlon in next year.
Geez, I'm going to be hungry today, though. I can tell already.
Geez, I'm going to be hungry today, though. I can tell already.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Today's words
A couple of not new to me words of the day with interesting enough aspects for me to include here:
roister /ROY-ster/ - to engage in noisy revelry : carouse
roister /ROY-ster/ - to engage in noisy revelry : carouse
I was familiar with this word already, though it took me a moment to place it. I thought it's root might turn out to be related to that of "rooster," but this doesn't appear to be the case. I hate it when we make language more complicated, though: I prefer the older, shorter forms for verb and the people who engage in the activity.odious /OH-dee-us/ - arousing or deserving hatred or repugnance : hateful
Every time I see this word, it takes my brain a moment to separate it from "onerous," even thought I'm familiar with both words and the distinction between them. But the thing that surprised me was to see that this one shares roots with "annoy." The Merriam-Webster site doesn't provide the etymological path for most words that aren't the word of the day, But fortunately there are other online sources to investigate the route between the Latin odium (which of course has also made its way into English as a noun) and annoy.
Busy weekend
Nice praise and worship time before first Friday Mass, partly because the rosary was a bit shorter than usual, which left us a bit more time; that part has felt short-changed in recent months. A properly prayed rosary need not take longer than a half hour. Very little presence from the Joyful Lambs group that is the nominal sponsor of this event, though. Came home and basically hung out until a fairly early bedtime. Men's group Saturday morning, then a short bike ride and a nap. Followed the Terps' debacle on my phone; no, they aren't there yet. Did a little housecleaning downstairs as the dust was getting unbearable, after having eaten my wife's leftovers from Friday night (her third of restaurant meals last week) for lunch without asking but not being in the doghouse yet because she hadn't discovered it. We'd already decided to take in a movie, so we went out for a quick dinner along the way (my first restaurant meal of the week, unless you count the leftovers I'd appropriated earlier in the day) and then very much enjoyed Sully. (I'd bet he's tickled that Hanks portrayed him.) Two Masses on Sunday morning, and it's a good thing I was there for 8:00 as neither of the cantors who usually attend were there. Cut the grass while our daughter and son-in-law were meeting with our former pastor concerning their convalidation, then they talked our ears off for a couple hours making additional arrangements.
I then wrote a letter as I'd promised to my friend in prison, whose news last week was so disappointing for him and his wife. I'd been concerned that the issues preventing his early release were not really a matter of indifference on the part of the institution housing him but of antagonism from the city where he lives toward his crime. That concern has proven to be the case, so he will serve out his remaining six months in a facility that is more restrictive than the one he left, but is closer to home so will have more visits from family and friends. At least the staff seems inclined to treat him well, given their enthusiastic support for his release efforts.
Closed the evening by flipping between the baseball game, football game, and politics game for a while before calling it a night. The one I cared about didn't turn out the way I wanted.
I then wrote a letter as I'd promised to my friend in prison, whose news last week was so disappointing for him and his wife. I'd been concerned that the issues preventing his early release were not really a matter of indifference on the part of the institution housing him but of antagonism from the city where he lives toward his crime. That concern has proven to be the case, so he will serve out his remaining six months in a facility that is more restrictive than the one he left, but is closer to home so will have more visits from family and friends. At least the staff seems inclined to treat him well, given their enthusiastic support for his release efforts.
Closed the evening by flipping between the baseball game, football game, and politics game for a while before calling it a night. The one I cared about didn't turn out the way I wanted.
Friday, October 07, 2016
My brain . . .
. . . doesn't want to work today.
It wants to crawl back into bed and pull up the covers and not come out.
It wants to crawl back into bed and pull up the covers and not come out.
Today's pageview zip code
Indianapolis, IN 46204. We've been in this zip code numerous times, and I've never been there by bicycle. Once when we were heading to a wedding in Illinois, we decided to stop in Indy for dinner. We were in the downtown area, and asked some random local for a suggestion. They sent us to Bazbeaux Pizza - which sounds as incongruous as the new Wei's Pizza just down the street from us that we haven't tried yet - on Massachusetts Ave. With a great selection of artisan pizzas, we have made a couple of returns on subsequent trips to town.
Today's words
Today's WOTD isn't new to me, but the Test Your Memory bit was a word I missed on a Sunday last month:
myrmidon / MER-muh-dahn/ - a loyal follower; especially : a subordinate who executes orders unquestioningly or unscrupulously
myrmidon / MER-muh-dahn/ - a loyal follower; especially : a subordinate who executes orders unquestioningly or unscrupulously
At least one, and perhaps both, of the current major party presidential candidates seem to have no shortage of myrmidons and sycophants.And there are too many delightful new and familiar words with 19th century origins in this article to list them now . . .
Futility
No, really, I was intentionally not watching stuff you hate on TV last night. I even watched a show you watch, in a useless attempt for us to spend an hour in the same room. And really, I do mind eating dinner by myself every weeknight, and not having any time together.
Do you want to spend the rest of our lives together or not?
This morning I find myself invoking St. Paul's instructions to give thanks to God in all circumstances. It has removed my thoughts from the darker path down which they tend to wander when your choices isolate me and circumstances keep me from my exercise routine. I'm glad for the chance to lead praise and worship at first Friday Mass tonight, especially seeing as you've unilaterally decided to have dinner out again tonight. At least your unilateral decision to invite our "adopted" daughter over for dinner tomorrow includes me.
Do you want to spend the rest of our lives together or not?
This morning I find myself invoking St. Paul's instructions to give thanks to God in all circumstances. It has removed my thoughts from the darker path down which they tend to wander when your choices isolate me and circumstances keep me from my exercise routine. I'm glad for the chance to lead praise and worship at first Friday Mass tonight, especially seeing as you've unilaterally decided to have dinner out again tonight. At least your unilateral decision to invite our "adopted" daughter over for dinner tomorrow includes me.
Thursday, October 06, 2016
Today's word
vulnerary /VUL-nuh-rair-ee/ - used for or useful in healing wounds
After a day off for a familiar noun that has a historical reason for my initial thought that it looks like an adjective, we have another new word-of-the-day today. I recognized its link to "vulnerable" right away, as the author expected, and will need to remember that the "ary" indicates merely a connection to the root. I hope I'll never need to remember which one comes from vulnerarius and which from vulnerare, as I doubt I could keep them straight.
I wonder if this adjective is ever used figuratively, as in vulnerary words which heal the wounded spirit?
Today's pageview zip code
Stilesville, IN 46180. (You'd think Julia Stiles would be too young for this town to be named after her. Yuk, yuk.) I've driven through the southern part of this zip code, though somehow I've neglected to mention my first passages through some of these Ohio and Indiana zip codes. The month my dad would die, we passed through by rail, headed west to visit his family in Kansas. We didn't come back that way as we'd planned, having to fly back due to his suicide. The following summer, after taking a southerly route to Kansas, down to northern Florida to visit family in Jacksonville Beach, then along the Gulf Coast to visit dad's family again, with a side vacation with my aunt, uncle, and cousins to and from the Lake of the Ozarks, we returned home more directly, by way of I70. That was my first time passing through the area in which I've lived for most of the last 30 years (though I still think of Maryland as my home). This was also the trip on which I first met the Michigan branch of his family (in the last paragraph) with whom I was reunited a few years ago (first 4 people listed numerically). And of course (if you've been following) I've ridden my bike through the northern portion of this zip code, along U.S. 40, which is still my most recent time through it.
The dishes sprite
We have a faery living in our house. No matter who washes dishes, this friendly goblin comes along, hours or days later, and puts them away.
Apparently one of my household members thinks so. If that person just washed them all the time, I'd happily put them all away in a timely manner.
Apparently one of my household members thinks so. If that person just washed them all the time, I'd happily put them all away in a timely manner.
Wednesday, October 05, 2016
Almost drowning
I need a plan for when it gets like this. Maybe just floating is good enough, as long as it isn't too long. Eventually I come up for air.
the wave has knocked me under
rumbled over me
tumbled me about
has it passed?
which way is up?
where is the surface?
my lungs burn for air.
i see light above me
but it's so far away
the darkness below beckons
and it's so near
it's cold, though
heartless
uncaring
if i just float here
the light and darkness
may decide which wants me more
i can't seem to prefer
the wave has knocked me under
rumbled over me
tumbled me about
has it passed?
which way is up?
where is the surface?
my lungs burn for air.
i see light above me
but it's so far away
the darkness below beckons
and it's so near
it's cold, though
heartless
uncaring
if i just float here
the light and darkness
may decide which wants me more
i can't seem to prefer
Dear boss,
I'll be in just a little later than usual this morning. I had to stay up late last night to watch Buck Showalter lose his mind. It hasn't happen often since he took over.
Also, please keep asking me about this training project when you've kept me fully occupied on other things.
Also, please keep asking me about this training project when you've kept me fully occupied on other things.
Tuesday, October 04, 2016
Today's pageview zip code
Greenfield, IN 46140. I've driven through here numerous times, on my way back and forth to St. Louis, Champaign, Omaha (twice), Chicago (twice), and most often just Indianapolis (several times to and from IU Medical Center). And, of course, rode through on that outrageous cycling day.
That *one*
I always have that one coworker with a gift for expressing every written thought in the most convoluted way possible . . .
Today's word
banausic /buh-NAW-sik/ - relating to or concerned with earning a living — used pejoratively; also : utilitarian, practical
4/4 in October. I may be in love with the editor who is providing the words this month; my hungry brain doesn't even care if it's a he or a she. This is another great word! (he says, returning to his banausic responsibilities from his momentary but pleasant diversion.)
That. Dream. SUCKED.
I don't know who it was that I was goaded into killing, but I think I'd shot two people. Surrounded on a hillside, with no escape, I tried unsuccessfully to deny it, but realized I was caught. I fired off a couple of futile rounds at the citizens who'd cornered me as they took cover, then found myself at the bottom of a gorge wall. I was overcome with hopelessness. While they poured hot oil down on me from above, I tried to shoot myself as my father did. The gun fired weakly, and the bullets wounded me in the roof of my mouth without killing me. I wandered in small circles with hot oil falling down on me as I kept pulling the trigger in increasing aggravation over my inability to die, as I finally realized that this is Hell.
I don't know why I couldn't remember this at first, but it wasn't a ravine or gorge, at first. I was in my stepfather's driveway, with the house above me. I don't remember whether he was one of my tormentors or my victim.
I don't know why I couldn't remember this at first, but it wasn't a ravine or gorge, at first. I was in my stepfather's driveway, with the house above me. I don't remember whether he was one of my tormentors or my victim.
Monday, October 03, 2016
Today's pageview zip codes
Clayton, IN 46118. I've definitely passed through this one, several times by car, and by bicycle on my longest, hottest day of cycling ever. Later I'll edit this post to indicate the year I did the Ride Across Indiana (RAIN), with a slogan of One Day, One Way, 160 miles. It was brutally hot, with air temps reaching around 98°F, which made the temperature over the blacktop surface of U.S. 40 close to 110°F. Even the distance seems more than a little nuts now, and the temperature seems totally and certifiably insane.
Also, Coatesville, IN 46121. No drive throughs, only the aforementioned day of madness. And: what a strangely shaped zip code!
Also, Coatesville, IN 46121. No drive throughs, only the aforementioned day of madness. And: what a strangely shaped zip code!
Today's words
Finally, more WOTD entries I don't already know. Three in a row! Can we get whoever they have doing October appointed permanently? (Warning: be careful of the delightful rabbit hole in the first entry . . . )
empyreal /em pye REE ul/ - 1. of or relating to the heavens or firmament : celestial 2. sublime
empyreal /em pye REE ul/ - 1. of or relating to the heavens or firmament : celestial 2. sublime
I love this word, enough that by its second definition I consider it autological (though I acknowledge that others might not) - a word which I had to look up by searching on "word that describes itself." That led me to this wonderful article on the applicability of the concepts of autology and heterology on the word "heterological" and its synonyms, and their conditional germaneness to words like "loud" and "quiet," or "big" versus "big." The Grelling-Nelson paradox's relationship to Russell's paradox is also delightful!
I am such a geek!deliquesce /del ih KWESS/ - 1. to dissolve or melt away 2. to become soft or liquid with age or maturity—used of some fungal structures (as the gills of a mushroom)
I've heard of this one, I think, but rarely, and I certainly didn't know it well enough to have used it.guerdon /GUR dun/ - reward, recompense
The first example used in the WOTD write-up makes it clear that they're not referring to an Army, Marine, or Air Force captain. This is clearly a Navy or Coastie reference. But I hope that the omitted text makes it clear that this came somewhere during the quarter century, not at the end of it, or it still wouldn't be very "early."I could see all of these words finding their way into my active vocabulary.
Sunday, October 02, 2016
Not a bad sports weekend
Terps crush Purdue in football. Ravens lose by a point a game they were in good position to win. O'so win two of three in the Bronx to secure a wild card berth, but don't get to host because the Sox couldn't beat the Jays. And the U.S. won the Ryder Cup!
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