Grace at work through our choices (edited)

I suppose the ideal response to many conflicts would simply be to let them pass in the moment, but I don't know many people who are really equipped to do that.  Oh, I know a few who claim to, who do their best to, but whether we're honestly facing our feelings or just stuffing them, there's usually at least a little responding to them that is necessary and healthy if we're not going to react to them in unhealthy ways.  So I'm going to process Monday evening some more - which might indicate that it might be good to process with my wife; too. Our date on Thursday should give me a chance to do that, which may be another case of our making choices that give grace room to work.

So when my wife jumped my case the other night while I was rushing in the door from work and right back out it for a rehearsal, it really threw me off kilter. We make it a point to always exchange kisses of greeting and of farewell, and we didn't do either. I remembered the latter on my way out the door, but it felt hypocritical to turn around at that point when I was feeling so upset - ambushed, really - so I just continued on my way. I then had to talk with her by phone about an issue our youngest daughter was having which she hadn't had the chance to discuss with me as I'd passed through - or which opportunity she'd squandered on my scolding. That conversation went pretty well, but I was still frazzled, and ended up walking out of the rehearsal while we were working on the Exultet so that I could spend a few minutes in the Lord's presence, as my agitated state was cranking up my frustration level with how that was going.  (It seems like most folks just don't get the concept of chant in general, or of chant notation in particular.)

This brief few minutes made a huge difference.  The rest of the rehearsal went fairly well.  Our interim director picked up on the same issues I was concerned about.  When I walked back in the door after a two-hour rehearsal, my wife and I both had a better perspective on our conflict.

And then there was the television.  I just have to keep reminding myself: the sort of thing she was watching Monday night is her version of the Super Bowl.

But in the moment, I couldn't manage to think that. As I shared previously, the tv program and another minor disagreement before bed left me feeling rejected and lonely. I wanted her to reach out to me; I needed to feel reassured that I was really more important to her than her program, to have some sort of acknowledgment of how I was feeling, but she didn't provide it; in fairness she may have sensed I wasn't necessarily very open to what I so hungered for.

And because I was looking for something from her that I wasn't getting, I didn't especially want to reach out to her.

But before the night was over, I did.  Even though I had to get up from the bed for a little while, the decision we consistently make to sleep next to each other put me in position to overcome my hurt and my fear of rejection and reach out to make contact with her again.  Still, doing that wasn't just a matter of habit. I made a conscious decision, not to ignore or stuff my feelings, but despite those feelings to let my wife know that I was still open to our relationship, that I wasn't going to react to them by closing myself off from her.

But to leave those feelings not discussed would not be healthy for us, either, so we're going to have to take advantage of our weekly dedicated connection and review time to address this concern.