Hope in the Forsaken One

If, as St. Paul says, Christ who knew no sin was made sin for us, can there be any sin he did not bear there on the cross? If the answer is no, as I believe it must be, then even the utterly forsaken are not bereft of the company of the utterly forsaken one, the Son of God, and therefore not bereft of hope." - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus, Death on a Friday Afternoon

This is a comforting thought as I instinctively contrast my Aunt Helen's life and recent death with my dad's so long ago. He was proud and adamant in his atheism. He would not accept God's grace while he lived, and in his hopelessness took his own life. 

Yet I hope that he is not now bereft of hope.

Perhaps there is hope for me, too, as I continue to refuse to yield my will fully to God's, one way or another, decade after decade. 

The Derelict

Not starting this one with a quotation, but it's still inspired by Death on a Friday Afternoon, by Fr. Richard John Neuhaus.

I haven't been reading or reflecting as much on this book of late while I participated in the Holy Father's requested Annunciation novena for the Consecration of Russia and Ukraine to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. For me, this was a matter of obedient availability, of subjecting my agenda to what it seemed God was asking of me. I would far prefer to reflect on this inspiring book, yet I have found this rosary each morning to still be a blessed time in God's presence. It has given me the opportunity, too, to pray for my dear Aunt Helen, for whose funeral we will be departing tomorrow, along other prayer intentions. 

Now I return to this book in the fourth chapter, on the word "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me." I am torn between this verb and "abandoned," which is used in some translations of this psalm. Fr. Neuhaus presents the image of Jesus as a derelict, which on its face can seem offensive. This is God Incarnate we're describing here, my Savior. How dare you refer to Him using the same term we'd apply to an addicted bum in an alleyway!

And that is the point. Jesus gave us multiple instances of exactly why we need to embrace this concept rather than reject it outright, and they are all about God's love for every one of us rather than an insult to the Son of God. 

In the parable of the rich man and Lazarus, I'm sure the former disdained the latter (oops: five minute thought break while my cat climbs into my arms for a snuggle. Now, where was I? Oh yes:) in very similar thoughts to those we have in mind as we think of dirty, urine-smelling, disgusting bums on the street. Perhaps we think the only thing offensive about Lazarus is that he was very poor, but I imagine the rich man found him abhorrent. Yet God saw them both very differently, perhaps even than Lazarus himself did. And likewise, outside of God's merciful grace, we are all as abhorrent as the most despicable human being we can imagine. When we have recognized this about ourselves and truly received the grace God desires for us, we become less judgmental of those whose struggles in this world are different from our own.

"For as often as you did it to the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did it to me." Thus Jesus says in the parable of the sheep and the goats. Who do we think "the least" is, anyway? Do we somehow think it's only the "circumstantially deserving least"? Yet so we often behave. 

We often convince ourselves that we somehow deserve God's love because of the wonderful people we are, not realizing that it is God's love that makes us wonderful people rather than our own innate worthiness. 

What derelict am I called to embrace today?

 her 33rd anniversary was yesterday

i spent most of the day lamenting that i was the only one who remembered

then i finally broke silence and posted about it on fb 

and found out one other person did too

that was welcome company

no mention, though, from the one who should have

instead we had a pretty huge argument before bed

im so tired

and alone 

Being there

Rough day for our daughter and grandchildren yesterday. Don't think we're getting the full picture, but then, we really don't need it. Just need to be a pillar for them.

For godddaughter, too.

We all need somebody to lean on . . . 

A joyful reunion

Dear friends came to town yesterday whom we probably hadn't seen in fifteen years. We'd had two of their sons over in the intervening years, but we had missed them so very much. They arrived yesterday to visit their son, who it turns out had a commitment last night. This impromptu dinner gathering was a time of great celebration of God's gifts in our lives. We celebrated where we have been together and what the Lord has been doing in our lives of late.

Thank you, God, for these wonderful people!

Happy grandpa, sad grandpa

It was really nice that our second-oldest grandson came over for a while yesterday.

It was really disappointing that our oldest grandson bailed out on us for dinner.

Strange dreams . . .

In the first dream that I remember from last night, my great aunt Emma was alive. The dream started with an accidental kick in my crotch somehow - I wonder if that was the dog IRL? We hadn't seen each other in decades, so she thought I might not recognize her, but although she looked like a woman in her nineties (okay, not 112, as she'd probably be right now) there was no mistaking her. I tried to get Teri to see if our granddaughter who shares her name could come over to meet her, but that wasn't going to work out.

In my second dream, we were trying to spruce up a school. There were many furnishings that had to be moved around in or removed from various classrooms. Then we had to plant grass seed so that it could take root in the dirt of some of those classrooms before they covered it with carpet. (What can I say: dreams don't always make sense.) As I was leaving, it was night time, and there was a football game going on. A player named Damien Rice, who in my dream was Ray Rice's younger brother, had won the game with a dazzling long play. I tried to congratulate him from my car after the game, but he didn't want that attention from someone of my skin color (again, this was just a dream), and especially resented that I tried to claim some sort of emotional investment in him as a result of my Ravens' fanship. His friends definitely had his back, as everyone convinced me to just leave him alone.

In my third dream, my mother-in-law had outlived her husband (the opposite of their order of passing IRL), and I was helping her prepare to move into an assisted living facility. She wanted to do this, but I was helping her because, in my dream, none of the other family members supported her in this decision. She offered me a couple of different furnishings from the house as we prepared for her move. I woke up with two memories of her: how much she'd despised me, but also how she'd never shown me that and that I only learned of it after she had passed away. 

I hate that the people in my life allowed this knowledge to get back to me, but it isn't as if I deserve to not live with it. 

Happy birthday, Karen

I miss you.

I should have been a better big brother.

Giving thanks

We're still a few days off from the holiday, of course. But we'd planned to be out of town for the weekend, which didn't work out as we didn't end up with a dinner invitation from among my wife's siblings and my cousins. That hurts a little, but life happens. We realized later that, with our son-in-law scheduled for a serious surgery today, that it would be a good idea to try to have dinner yesterday instead. As it turned out, that made for a very full table, even with the ones who weren't available, with 13 people gathered around it.

We had prayed and were dishing up dinner when my middle daughter asked where the gravy was. Well, in the rush of getting the meat carved I'd forgotten to make it. So I hopped up and and whipped it up - it only takes a couple minutes - and brought it to the table in a creamer. I handed it to my son-in-law and had returned to the kitchen when I heard the sound of shattering china and a commotion. It seems that my son-in-law and daughter had missed the hand-off, and the hot-off-the-stove gravy ended up mostly on our daughter and the floor. While some of the family tended to our daughter, others of us hastened to shoo the dog away and clean up the spilled gravy before he could ingest any shards of china.

She ended up with first degree burns on her arm, leg, and torso. As miserable as it was for her, we are grateful that it wasn't worse, as it certainly could have been in those circumstances.

Aside from that, it was a very nice family day. The house was full of children and fun and good food and people we love. And as the evening drew down, my wife and I each got a hug from - well, it's a little hard to explain, because they're not our grandchildren officially yet, but we're increasingly part of one big blended family.

Oh, and we're replacing an alternator on the car that we'd just had worked on last week. (Brakes and a sensor last week.) Older car issues. Still, it's good that we have the means.

Also, this coming weekend is the 40th anniversary. If you know me well, you aren't asking "of what?" but in case you don't know, here is a little more (without any gross details of my life thrown in).

Despite all of its challenges of many sorts, my life is also filled with many blessings for which I am giving thanks.

I have a great idea

Why don't you tell your kids, who already have multiple layers of abandonment issues, that they're a bunch of spoiled brats and you're going to leave and never come back?

I'm writing this here rather than confronting you with it because I'm sure you're already hurting over having said this to them. But girl, hug them. Heal them. Help them renounce the spirit of rejection, the spirit of failure, the spirit of self-judgment, the fear of abandonment. And renounce whatever spirit of inadequacy in you led you to tell them such an awful lie.

I love you.

What a wonderful weekend

We've had a really nice weekend hanging out with friends and family. Wednesday afternoon we stopped at Bolling to visit our friend who recently moved here, and her dog, who stayed with us a couple times in Dayton and who probably isn't going to be with us much longer. It was a nice reunion with both of them. Then, our first meal in town sparked a warm memory of my mom, as the restaurant we visited (O'Loughlin's) had a softshell crab sandwich on the menu. Had to have it.

Thursday I cooked for the four of us on the grill, some marinated chicken that was in the freezer here and some carrots, broccoli, and the zucchini we'd picked from the garden just before we left. Just a quiet evening in.

Took a bike ride down close to Annapolis on Friday morning, then panicked about where I was parked being "for MTA patrons only" so cut my planned ride short. Friday evening we were reunited with friends from Dayton whom we hadn't seen since they left 23 years ago. It was so nice to catch up with one another. Our young friend from Dayton joined us, too, so we were able to help them connect a little more. Old friends and new. What a nice combination.

Saturday we had breakfast with my high school best friend, then I headed back to DC to connect with another friend from high school. I then picked up our young friend and headed north through the annoying DC traffic (yes, even on a Saturday) for my first game at Camden Yard in about three years. What an awful game, but I still love to go there. It was our younger friend's first time in the ballpark, and she seemed to really enjoy herself. It nearly never fails that other family is also there when we are, so we were able to visit with them, too. Oh, and the huge, blood-red, half moonrise that I saw on the drive from DC to Arnold late at night was amazing.

Yesterday was our get together with my family - my aunt and cousins, the closest remaining relatives I have from growing up - in Belair. It was great to see and spend time with them, though I wish a couple more of my cousins had come. Good food, good games, good company. On the way back, we stopped so that my wife could visit an older couple for whom she has always had a great fondness, her brother's former in-laws, who were thrilled to get a visit from her.

The only real down side of the trip has been dealing with the hydration issues leading to foot cramps throughout the night. Fortunately, last night was free of such disturbances.

Two more sleeps before we head back to Dayton. At least we'll have my aunt with us for a visit, so that will let us extend this wonderful family time.

Looking forward to a week home

Family time. Haven't had more than a weekend in MD since summer of '14. This will be nice!

I know a very special girl . . .

. . . a very highly intelligent, creative, caring girl, who is going to bear very deep wounds of rejection and emptiness, and a terrible burden of unforgiveness in her life, if we can't find a way to help her deal with the rejection she is receiving from her "dad."

She deserves so much better than this. When I heard the latest, my eyes and heart filled with tears for her. I have known for myself, and seen in others I love, the damage that this causes in a child's life. God can, of course, heal it, for all things are possible with God. But even that takes a willingness to be open and vulnerable that is nearly impossible on our own when we have known such pain.

My precious granddaughter, I love you so very much. It is a great privilege to be your grandpa. I hope that you will let me help you through this so that it will not haunt you through decades of your life. 

Wonderful Saturday

Got up early for men's group, then headed north to visit my cousin, and my aunt who was visiting him, in Michigan. Hard to believe it has been nearly four years since we saw them. It was a very nice visit. Beautiful weather, so we sat outside for the longest time, and after a while I got the guitar out and played and sang for a while. It was a really nice time.

We met a cousin twice removed who was in utero the last time we saw everyone. What a cutie. Teri played with her at length. Apparently she woke up the next morning and wanted to know where "her friend" was.

It was a four hour drive each way, but it was time well spent. I hope it isn't so long until we see them again.

Safe for another year

So many birthday greetings throughout the day yesterday lifted my spirits by showing me the treasure of friends and family and love with which God blesses me. The low moment toward the end of last night which could have been the beginnings of an invitation to reenter the darkness was met with a clarity of just how much I would be hurting so many people, including those equally vulnerable -- even those who weren't part of my day and whose absence may have been especially acute; I don't love or treasure them any less for it -- were I ever to succumb to it.

It isn't that the day was free of screw up or disappointment or hurt but, in perspective, what day ever is? But God always provides yet greater love and blessings, grace and mercy. His love is unfathomable, even if it is sometimes a challenge for me to remember or believe what great delight He takes in me.

He even got me to my parish in time to receive Benediction last night. What a birthday treat!

Our never-ending dynamic

I often hear you explain to our grandchildren how they need to apologize when they hurt one another, even if their intention wasn't hurtful, even if the harm was accidental. 

This often applies to us, too.

Today's word

supposititious /suh-'pah-zuh-TISH-us/ -  1a. fraudulently substituted : spurious  b. (of a child) falsely presented as a genuine heir : illegitimate  2a. imaginary  b. of the nature of or based on a supposition : hypothetical

The 2b definition is the one I supposed (see what I did there?) when I saw this new WOTD, but the 1a and 1b definitions make more sense based on its etymology. Before I apply the 1b definition to myself based on reading too broadly the part following the colon, I should realize that I have never presented myself, nor been presented, as an heir of my unmet biological father, nor as a rival to his "legitimate" offspring.

"Bastard" still feels true, though. Must remember the truth:

My name is "Child of the One True King"! 

Isolation

I couldn't tell you. You probably don't remember your half of where we were, which might not have been in your consciousness even then, given its on-again-off-again nature over those 5 years and three states. You still don't know my half, and it probably isn't important that you do. It may have been an understandable reaction to you, but more likely was just another example of how poorly I loved you; in either case, I'm still embarrassed by my lack of judgment and ashamed of my actions.

I certainly wasn't going to tell you. The last thing in the world I ever want to do is remind you of your own loss and pain. But know this: as long as I live and my mind functions, I will be thinking of (and praying for) you on (and around) those three dates every year.

I've never been one to observe death anniversaries, and yesterday it was as if 29 years of them crashed into me at once. It didn't bring me any sense of closeness to you, though, the way your memory usually does. It just made me feel alone in the world, as the only one out of 7.5 billion people (depending on whose population estimate we believe) on the planet who was remembering that you'd been here and that yesterday was the day you left. You deserve better.

One in 7.5 billion knows what today is

At least I know I'm never going to stop missing you . . . 
(if you're reading this, I'm not talking to you.)
(I mean, it might be true of you, too . . . oh, never mind.)

So today . . .

. . . and probably tomorrow, I am welcoming sadness, with more than a little loneliness in it. There is also a bit of self-judgment over that, given that she still deserves better, but that is okay as it finally leads to warm memory.