More of the crucial glory

 "'In the Cross of Christ I Glory,' declared  the nineteenth century hymn writer John Browning. It seems a strange, even bizarre, glory. "We have beheld his glory," St. John wrote, meaning that he was there, with Mary, beholding the final and perfect sacrifice. In the churches of Asia Minor that were founded by John, Easter was celebrated not on Sunday, as with other churches, but on 14 Nisan, the anniversary of Christ's death. This was his 'hour' of glory. The resurrection ratified and reinforced what was already displayed on the cross. When John, therefore, places Mary at the cross, he is placing her at the very center of salvation. She was there with him, beholding a glory different from, even the opposite of, everything ordinarily meant by glory. It was God's glory, which is love." - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus, Death on a Friday Afternoon

For me and for Fr. Neuhaus, this passage is a continuation of the one I began to reflect on the other day and subjugated the the Holy Father's prayer agenda. This thought process reinforces my prior thoughts about what Jesus himself meant whenever he referred to being glorified, and how we ourselves tend to view pain as something to avoid rather than embrace as an act of love when God reveals it as his plan for our lives. (I'm sure I have shared some related ideas about how husbands are called to love their wives, too.)

I love how Fr. Neuhaus has tied Jesus's sacrifice for us to the fullest possible expression of God's love. Maybe more than anything else, this is why it is so important to spend time reflecting on Good Friday. We prefer to rejoice in the resurrection, and perhaps we should. But the victory that the resurrection expresses was won on Calvary. How apt that St. John insisted on celebrating Easter on the anniversary of that date.

I will, however, make this objection to Fr. Neuhaus's thoughts: it wasn't John who placed Mary at the cross. It was Mary's devoted love for her son that caused her to be there, in the grace bestowed on her that led to her initial and ongoing fiat. 

We never know where our fiat, our availability, will take us, either, but it will be glorious, and perhaps strangely so.

Thanks a lot, Kelly

The fear of loneliness is the father of many relationships that never should have been. When we choose to be with someone because we are afraid of being alone, we dishonor ourselves and the other person. - Matthew Kelly, Resisting Happiness

And yet God can take that relationship and turn it into so. very. much. more. than it could have otherwise been.

Safe for another year

So many birthday greetings throughout the day yesterday lifted my spirits by showing me the treasure of friends and family and love with which God blesses me. The low moment toward the end of last night which could have been the beginnings of an invitation to reenter the darkness was met with a clarity of just how much I would be hurting so many people, including those equally vulnerable -- even those who weren't part of my day and whose absence may have been especially acute; I don't love or treasure them any less for it -- were I ever to succumb to it.

It isn't that the day was free of screw up or disappointment or hurt but, in perspective, what day ever is? But God always provides yet greater love and blessings, grace and mercy. His love is unfathomable, even if it is sometimes a challenge for me to remember or believe what great delight He takes in me.

He even got me to my parish in time to receive Benediction last night. What a birthday treat!

Pentecost weekend

Our prayer group, which we started (well, God started) in the on-base Catholic community in 1987, is sponsoring a video Life in the Spirit Seminar for Pentecost weekend. We started last night. I'm excited for what the Holy Spirit is doing in people's lives. I'm mainly leading music for it. This can be a little tricky, because many wonderful songs invoking the Holy Spirit are not typically in the Catholic liturgical repertoire, and you can never tell whether a given parish is going to have many that are. So we're using our organization's license to use songs that are in use by the charismatic community throughout the world, but need to select things that are simple enough for people to learn quickly. So far I think we've found a pretty good balance between music they know and music they can learn quickly.

For our closing song last night, I felt led to use this simple, repetitive, meditative invitation to God, Come Into My Heart. But as we were finishing, I pointed out that God always first issues the invitation to us. We had just heard David Mangan share (on video) of God's great love for us. [He has written a book on the topic: God Loves You, {and there's nothing you can do about it}] He spoke of God's unconditional love for us, and how He doesn't wait for us to get ourselves squared away - as if we ever could - before working in our lives. He meets us right where we are, in whatever messed-up state we may be, and begins to heal and transform us. And I pointed out as we were finishing the song inviting Him into our hearts that this is always a response to an invitation He always first issues to us: Come into My Heart, He says. Enter my loving heart. Another verse says, "I give my life to you," and this is another one that He sings to us before we ever sing it to Him. So finished by repeating those two verses from that perspective.

It was after this that one of the attendees paid me the wonderful compliment I wrote about last night. So apparently this is going pretty well. But I know that at least one attendee expressed reservations about the whole thing. We can be so resistant to allowing God to work in our lives. We can be so maddeningly rational and skeptical, so certain that our lives are okay the way they are, thank you very much. Or we can believe the lie that we are too flawed, or we can be afraid that nothing will happen, or in that fear worry that that would just confirm our low opinion of ourselves.

God's love, and His great dreams for us, are so far beyond our understanding, but our understanding isn't required. Our willingness to trust Him, to yield to the infinitely greater things that He wants for us, is so much more important. But it is hard for us to set aside our 'need' to understand. But somewhere within us, the message that God takes great delight in us and desires only the best for us resonates with truth. We can trust Him. And when we finally do, He fulfills in us the Gospel reading that we will hear proclaimed at the Pentecost vigil this evening: "Let anyone who thirsts come to me and drink. As Scripture says: Rivers of living water will flow from within him who believes in me."

I have been blessed to see this fulfilled. I know this is not of me. I have no living water of myself to offer anyone, I am a flawed, sinful man. But as we thirst, and we come to Jesus to drink, God shares His Holy Spirit freely with, and through, anyone who is willing to be His vessel. It is a great gift of His love for us.

I can't wait to see what He does today!

Today's words

billet-doux /bill-ee-DOO/ - a love letter

I know I've encountered this word before, but I don't believe I've ever bothered to look up either its meaning or its pronunciation. I have certainly crafted my share of them. For a time, when my heart was in the wrong place, I repeatedly gave it voice in this way in a notebook. I finally realized that I could no longer hold onto the feelings I'd expressed there, and that by doing so I risked hurting the only person to whom I should craft such correspondence. That is a long way of explaining that I have thrown away quite a few of these undelivered, but I believe have crafted and presented more of them to my bride than I have ever written - whether discarded or otherwise - to others.

anchorite /ˈaŋ-kə-ˌrīt/ - a person who lives in seclusion usually for religious reasons

I don't think I've ever heard of this hermit synonym before. I'm a little surprised, though, to read that this word isn't directly related to the one for a ship's anchor. On the one hand, this sort of life appeals to me, should I outlive my bride. On the other, I relish human interaction, so don't believe that I would thrive living like this. It would be too easy to yield to my tendency to self-judgment and self-condemnation.

Testimonies of God's love

Our Lady of Guadalupe, Pray for us.

I read the historical account in one version of today's Office of Readings. But the Advent reading from a discourse On the Contemplation of God by William of Saint-Thierry strikes me more today:

O Lord, salvation is your gift and your blessing is upon your people; what else is your salvation but receiving from you the gift of loving you or being loved by you?

. . . and later:

He taught us to love him by first loving us, even to death on the cross. By loving us and holding us so dear, he stirred us to love him who had first loved us to the end.
And this is clearly the reason: you first loved us so that we might love you – not because you needed our love, but because we could not be what you created us to be, except by loving you.

. . . 

Everything he did and everything he said on earth, even enduring the insults, the spitting, the buffeting – the cross and the grave – all of this was actually you speaking to us in your Son, appealing to us by your love and stirring up our love for you.
You know that this disposition could not be forced on men’s hearts, my God, since you created them; it must rather be elicited. And this, for the further reason that there is no freedom where there is compulsion, and where freedom is lacking, so too is righteousness.

You wanted us to love you, then, we who could not with justice have been saved had we not loved you, nor could we have loved you except by your gift. So, Lord, as the apostle of your love tells us, and as we have already said, you first loved us: you are first to love all those who love you.

Prayer by the light of the wreath again this morning

First time this week, but for better reason. Was glad for the opportunity to help a friend see the light of God's love pierce through the perceived darkness, and a short night of sleep followed by a night of catch-up was a small price to pay for it.

Had a quote from St. Augustine I wanted to share, but online I can only get the St. Ambrose reading. Except for big exceptions, I focus on the Advent season over the saints' feast days, and at home with my breviary I can do that. Maybe I'll get a chance to post later . . .

Saying long overdue words

I can't believe it hasn't occurred to me to tell you before that there is no one who has ever been in my life that I wish I was spending it with instead of you.

I realize that most spouses probably wouldn't need to say such a thing, but given how I treated you for so long, it was as important for me to express as for you to hear.

So I'm glad I finally told you tonight.

If you're doing it right

Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. - The Man in Black

Love is, too. 

I don't know. Maybe that isn't true for everyone, but it has always been for me. I think that in the past this was largely because I was doing it wrong: I was too selfish, and my comparative approach caused pain that wasn't really necessary. But I find that even as I love in the ways that I am clearly - called? invited? ordained? privileged! blessed! - to love those around me, there is this exquisite, painful relinquishing of myself and my own will that I know is ultimately and infinitely better than self-protection could ever be.

Deeply moved and affirmed

I can't believe I haven't shared about this already. I think it's because I was too busy dealing with my Father's Day anxiety by the time I was back at a computer to share it.

The whirlwind trip to MD for my wife's brother-in-law's surprise 70th birthday party was wonderful in several ways. A yummy crabcake lunch was followed by an unexpected afternoon visit to Annapolis. A miscommunication kept me from visiting my favorite aunt, but there was really nothing to be done about that. Then came the surprise party. I got to keep watch, and ask people whose cars Al would recognize to park around the side of the building. I was able to let everyone know when the guest of honor had arrived, and he was indeed taken by surprise.

After dinner, each of his surviving sons briefly shared about what his dad meant to him. After he took a moment to affirm them in return, as he approached to hug them, I noticed that he kissed each of them on the lips, and that they returned the affectionate gesture. I think I'd seen this exchange between them before, though it has been a couple of years for me. It is rare in our culture, of course, to see men express their love for each other in this way. I felt privileged to witness it, and a little jealous to not have sons of my own with whom to share in this beautiful exchange, made more touching by its rarity.

After the party, my wife and I did a bit of grocery shopping for the next day's drive home before returning to her sister and brother-in-law's house. He opened his cards and gifts, and soon it was time for me to retire for the evening. My long day had started about 4:30 a.m., and I knew I was on the hook for most of the drive back. I hugged my sister-in-law, who thanked me for lending her my wife and for coming. As I approached to hug her husband, Al kissed me on my lips.

This is a man who knows my worst moments, and who understandably took some time to come around to me thereafter. We have long since put that behind us, but I had no inkling that he would ever bestow on me the same gesture of love which I had just seen him share with his own sons. While I was surprised, I was also deeply touched, and am grateful that the unexpectedness of the moment did not cause me to hesitate to respond in kind.

I am still moved, beyond what these feeble words can express.

Love

My second best reunion of the week happens this evening.

The best one(s) will happen on Saturday.

I suppose that, between them, they more than make up for the one I missed last weekend.

But . . .

. . . the love and grace I have received is my answer to the call of despair.

Incomplete picture

The Prodigal drastically underestimates the encounter that awaits him because he never truly understood his father. His memory is vague, and he does not see the whole picture. He remembers some kindness - that his father treated his employees well - but . . . (ellipsis in original) - Neal Lozano, Abba's Heart

The simple truth is that if there is any truth at all to what we believe, we all underestimate the encounter that awaits us. God's love and mercy are beyond our imagining. Our finite minds are bound by time as well as space, and our Father is infinite and timeless. So anyone who believes that they see the whole picture is fooling themselves.

That said, I don't think that's the case for Neal. Rather, he is merely pointing out how our - everyone's - incomplete understanding of God's love keeps us from running home to the Father at a full tilt, the way that He runs to meet us. Of course, since Jesus and the Father are one, His Incarnation and all that He did on earth, culminating in His passion, death, and resurrection, show us the lengths that the Father goes to meet us. Despite these incredible steps, it is still incumbent upon us prodigals to humbly turn toward home. And it is not possible that we do this without also welcoming back those who are prodigal from us.

Unworthy

In his long journey home, the Prodigal faces a hard truth - he is not worthy to be called his father's son [ . . . ] We distance ourselves from the Prodigal to avoid the risk he is taking. Our hearts protest: "No, I am worthy. I deserve better. I work hard. I am a good person - at least, I'm better than most . . . . The gatekeeper will have to let me in to the Father . . . . Surely I am good enough to get into heaven. We argue our case, justifying ourselves by excusing our failures and pleading our successes. We try to earn the love we are afraid to ask for. - Neal Lozano, Abba's Heart

Yes, this is Fr. Spitzer's "comparative identity" at work again. Only by receiving the mercy and grace that are freely offered us do we stop comparing ourselves to others and become vessels of God's love in their lives, too.

There is no more undeserving Prodigal than me. I used to say that with a harsh spirit of judgment toward myself, but now it is just an honest and grateful recognition of God's love and a desire that all should know it.

The Source

The Scriptures say that every family takes its name from the Father (see Eph 3:15). In the Greek language, the words for "father" (pater) and "family" (patria) are closely related. In other words, every family finds its source and identity in the Father. He is the reason we are, and we find our place and our purpose in relationship with Him. The source of all that love, of family and of home is the Father Himself. For all eternity, the Father has loved the Son and the Son has loved the Father. - Neal Lozano, Abba's Heart 

This is why St. John's gospel (Jn 1:3) proclaims of Jesus, the Word, that through Him all things were made, and Colossians (1:16) says that all things were created in Him, made through Him and for Him. It is the love of the Father for the Son that set all of creation into being and sustains it, and their love for us which caused the eternal Son to enter time, to show us the nature of love - of their love, of which every other love except that inspired by the Holy Spirit is but a distortion.

(This is the part I've been wanting to reflect on since I first read it on Sunday, two days ago!)

For our ME group tonight, with quote

Tom: This morning, I was coming home from dropping our grandchildren off at our daughter's house when my phone rang. It was Teri asking me to go by the pharmacy on the way home to pick up some medicine that she needed. So I made a right instead of a left and headed in that direction. I passed a sign at the grocery store advertising what looks like a good sale on meat (whole NY strip for $3.99/pound), and started thinking about whether it was a good idea to buy one. My mind wandered from there, and the next thing I knew I was pulling into our driveway, where I realized I had driven right past the pharmacy without stopping. I shook my head, turned around, and headed back to get my wife's medicine, beginning to berate myself a little, as I'm prone to do in that type of situation. "You idiot!" I thought. In a nod to full disclosure: I might have tossed in a not-very-kind expletive.

Teri (reading from Abba's Heart): "When Jesus told the parable of the father with two sons, He wanted to convict those who thought they were faithful to God. He wanted them to see that their hearts were actually hardened toward the Father and others, whereas the Father's heart was tender. He also told the story so that those who had been disobedient to God would know that that Father longs for them with a broken heart, ready to forgive and embrace them. If your heart is filled with shame or anger, resentment or despair, the Father's broken heart enables you to return home.

"The Father's heart is broken for you. He sent His Son to reveal His love and do whatever it takes to win back your heart. He longs to bring you home. Jesus endured the cross for the joy set before Him; it was the joy of finding you. (emphasis added) You are the one lost sheep, the penny, the son from Jesus' parables. Jesus left heaven to search after you. He did it so that you might enter into heaven's joy. This is the joy of heaven: when the Father's lost children come home to His embrace." - Neal Lozano, Abba's Heart, p. 38

Tom: As I drove back up Spinning Road chastising myself, as unmistakable as this beautiful, sunny morning, I felt what seemed like the voice of God in my mind, gently but firmly: "Hey! That's my son you're talking about!" I suddenly felt accepted and deeply loved.

It was as if my heavenly Father Himself was breaking into my decades-long tendency toward perfectionism to remind me that He loves me not merely despite my imperfections, but even because of them. I felt awash in His love for me, and in a moment felt transformed into His beloved son, whom He sent his own Son to bring home to His loving heart.

Dialogue question:
How has the Father used you to teach me of His heart of love for me? What are my feelings about my answer?

Follow-up dialogue prompt:
How have my experiences of earthly fatherhood interfered with knowing my heavenly Father's love? How do I feel sharing that with you?

"This is my desire, but Thy will be done"

Some people, to avoid the pain of surrendering, ignore their hearts and pray for God's will in a sterile, apathetic way. It is like playing poker for peanuts instead of dollars: there is nothing on the table. Our desires ought to be brought before heaven so that our hearts go there, as well. - Neal Lozano, Abba's Heart

I get this. I think that I don't do it, but understand why people do.

There is a difference between praying for our heart's desire, though, and praying for all that we desire. When we start walking with the Lord, we begin to know when something we want is clearly not the Lord's will for us; we trust what His Church teaches us about His loving call for our life, what is good for us, and what isn't. We learn to pray about that thing we want in a different way: that the underlying desire or need that it represents will be met in a way that glorifies God rather than in the thing that we have focused on. This is part of having our hearts conformed to God's will.

Our relationships with our spouses may manifest elements of this growing spiritual maturity. We may play the martyr by ignoring our moments of frustration, or pray for God to change our partner in some way. It may be that, for their own sake, they sincerely need to grow in a way for which we might intercede on their behalf. But to offer this intention without including our own feelings and desires prevents us from accepting any growth God may have planned for us, too. When we offer God our honest feelings and ask the Father to provide what we truly need as well as the growth we might desire for our partner, we give Him permission to also provide us with a heart more conformed with His love for our spouse.

Sometimes I get to just relax

I'm kind of glad that Abba's Heart doesn't challenge me on every page to stop and reflect here. Sometimes it's nice to just read a few pages and soak in the stillness of the Father's loving heart for a bit.

Catching up on a promised quote

The first:

Experiencing intimacy with Jesus is often a comfort to those who have felt like orphans. Without knowing the Father, though, we cannot really know Jesus. Pope Benedict wrote that Jesus' communion with the Father is the "true center of his personality; without it, we cannot understand him at all, and it is from this center that he makes himself present to us still today." What is more, we cannot really know ourselves without the Father! In the words of St. John Paul II, writing in his papal encyclical "Rich in Mercy," "Man and man's lofty calling are revealed in Christ through the revelation of the mystery of the Father and His love." Knowing the Father reveals Jesus the Son as well as your own identity in Him.
Knowing the Father and your place in His family changes the landscape of your life. It changes your perspective on your identity, your relationships, your purpose and your destiny. - Neal Lozano, Abba's Heart

I don't know the degree to which this is true for everyone, but it is true for me. Some of my most peaceful prayer times have been those few instances, in years past, when I have imagined resting my head on my Daddy's lap and soaking in His love for me. Those moments have been too rare in the intervening years, and even now I have not returned to that image, though I will shortly. But more significantly than any single moment, this knowledge of who I truly am - rejecting the temptation to hear the adversary's invitation to forsake my true self: "If you are a child of God . . . " - is empowering me to live in freedom from ways of thinking and acting with which I have struggled for decades.

Yes, knowing that I am the child of a Father who rejoices over me and longs for me to commune with Him is making a real difference in my life.

I know that there will be new areas of struggle and growth, but that is part of the joy of becoming more fully who I am as a child of my loving Father.