Today's definitely not new word

From the Dictionary Devil puzzle:

miserable - being in a pitiable state of distress or unhappiness

70 days and counting until my annual window of opportunity.

I suppose I'm just too needy.

What does it matter if I can't trust the people I love, right? Or if I'm not always loved in return?

I think I need another reason.

This is so complicated

And consuming.

Citation

The other puzzle in Merriam-Webster's daily rotation of which I regularly partake (I've often referred to the Dictionary Devil in my vocabulary posts), this matching puzzle serves up a variety of trivial topics. A puzzle today focused on Belgians in the arts, one of whom was Georges Simonen, a prolific and widely-published 20th century author. The final sentence of his description reads, "The central theme running through his fiction is the isolated existence of the neurotic, abnormal individual."

So, he wrote about characters like me.

Why else do I only become close friends with people who are leaving?

There's a hazard . . .

. . . in where I am emotionally right now. With having entered the forgiveness process, at least it isn't compounded by a desire to hurt in return. Still, I am finding it harder to deny a part of myself that I have always suppressed.

This is revelatory. It means that I have probably not been mostly motivated by the right thing all along.

Feeling pretty defeated now

and alone

Decent people . . .

. . . with the best of intentions can be driven by those intentions to do terrible things, and even to feel justified in their actions. This is why it's so terribly important to have clear boundaries.

I want to ask you: suppose your mother had interfered like this, conspiring with our oldest daughter's biodad when she was our granddaughter's age?

I'm more than a little afraid to ask you that, though. Experience says that you will dismiss it, and as long as you do, we will be at an impasse. I know you were trying to act in what you think is our granddaughter's best interest, but this giant leap over familial and relationship boundaries has done incredible harm.

And that's just speaking to the boundary violation and its effect on both your relationship with our daughter and, potentially (and ultimately more importantly), her life. The deceitful way you conspired with our granddaughter's biodad to hide this from me also has serious implications for our relationship. I can forgive you for it, and while I know it isn't totally accurate to say that I've done so already, I can honestly say that I have entered into the process and am cooperating with God's grace in this area.

But the restoration of trust in our relationship is not going to be so simple, and will remain impossible as long as you don't recognize the damage you've done to us.

Perhaps it might help for you to talk with your circle of friends about this. I can't believe any of them would think it's okay, and maybe they can help you understand what was wrong with it, the damage that you've done despite your good intentions, and even how to begin to address it. But that will only work if you can be more honest with them about it than you've been with me, even since you've known that you have been discovered.

When you give a really solid talk . . .

. . . on Forgiveness, and then have to apply it almost right away in a way you never expected, one that challenges you to your core.

Vacation is definitely over

Nice beach times

Treading water, for days; no end in sight

It's hard when someone you love deeply undermines their relationship with - 'betrays' would not be too strong a word - someone else you love deeply, and justifies their actions, and lets that relationship stay broken, and doesn't understand how every conflict that happens after that has its roots in that initial violation, and there's no way for you to fix it and no one, really, for you to talk to about it who really gets it. Even putting it in these terms is going to be construed as a violation of trust. (I'd like to say 'misconstrued,' and I think it would be accurate, but violation is usually in the eyes of the violated.)

Two really wonderful days, so far, in Florida

Running. Swimming. Baseball. Good company. Reading. Praying.

Very nice. Thank you, God.

Sometimes . . .

. . . it's the silence that's the most worrisome.

Re-reading Death on a Friday Afteroon

I'm hopeful that I'll make faster progress than usual because of how much I've written about this book in the past. When I find a passage I want to further reflect on, I hope to find that I've written about it already. This is the case with the first passage that gave me pause, just a moment ago.

Now, I am drawn the stark contrast between the love of our choosing and the love to which we are called. It's actually fairly easy, in theory, to love in the way we think we want to. But real love becomes more like heartrending sacrifice than the idealized notion after which we so often chase.

Made it here, finally

Saturday was great. We had a fabulous Unbound seminar on Saturday, and my talk seemed to be well received. We got on the road on time, and drove nearly as far as Chattanooga, where we attended Mass at St. Stephen parish. Their approach to Lenten liturgy is much like ours, only more so: solemn entry and Latin Memorial Acclamation. We then got back on the road.

We decided, even though we hadn't been able to reach him by phone, to try to drop in on my stepfather, even though that would add about 90 minutes (at best) to our drive. So we stopped by to see the place, which is clearly still his based on the equipment that's there, but there was no sign of anyone currently living there. Particularly, there were no working vehicles, including no 'Vette in the garage. We left a note on the door and headed south.

And the fun began.

The worst was around Macon, where traffic was a standstill. We finally left the highway and found our way around the traffic jam. We ended up stopping for dinner, which added some time, but we really needed the break from the car at that point.

Final arrival time: just past midnight.

Slept in this morning, and had a nice run. Beautiful day.

Ahhh.

On the way to Florida

On three lousy nights' sleep.

Prayer appreciated.

I think I know . . .

. . . where each of my daughters got her sense of superiority.  😢

If they don't learn to accept and forgive each other, they are each going to have a harder road than they think they have now.

There is plenty of blame to go around for their conflicts.

Oh, I don't know . . .

Today's words

First, one from the weekend that I haven't had time to record here:

vade mecum /'vay-dee-MEE-kum/ - 1. a book for ready reference : manual  2. something regularly carried about by a person

First let me say that I hate the way that English speakers change Latin pronunciations of words and especially of phrases when we steal them. This should definitely be pronounced /'vah-day-MAY-coom/, but without the diphthong we usually apply to the /ay/ construct. Now that I've placated my inner snob, I think this is going to be a really useful new phrase for me. 

Now, on to the current WOTD:

gadzookery /'gad-ZOO-kuh-ree/ - (British) the use of archaisms (as in a historical novel)

HAHAHAHAHA! What a knockabout of a word! Methinks it a hoot to engage in gadzookery for mere sport.

Secondary pronunciation emphasis on both words mine. 

I must endeavor . . .

 . . . to retire at an earlier hour tonight. I find my eyes closing briefly here at the computer screen, and I dream. I was just spotted on the streets of colonial Annapolis, coming down Pinkney Street, and turning right around the corner at Market Space, across the street from what is now McGarvey's. I disappeared into the crowd.

McGarvey's. IRL, I remember parking the motorcycle on the brick sidewalk in front, and having a meal there. With him.

I renounce the victim identity, and forgive him in the name of Jesus.

Triduum rehearsal

Joseph, Take Him Off the Tree.
Hand His dead body down to me.

Mary, weep, and Martha, mourn
as you take off the crown of thorns.

Come anoint His open wounds.
Lay my Lord in the stone cold tomb.
All my sins are taken away.

Probably too busy

So far this has been my worst time change in a long time. I've been up too late, busy, so have been surprised by the alarm every morning. At least it has been busy with good stuff.

I think I'll be okay for time

Just ran through my talk for Saturday for the first time. I think I'll be good for time. It was a typical first run through; maybe a little smoother than usual.

Good progress

Working on my forgiveness talk for next Saturday. Made good progress the other evening, incorporating my reflections on what forgiveness is and isn't with the original outline. Now, to finish!

Brain is fried

I've never been . . .

. . . the sort of man that women fall for.

On the whole, I am rather grateful to God for that.

I will not fellowship with you . . .

I will not use this current disappointment and self anger as an excuse to engage in habitual sin.

Son of b*%$&. S)#^.

(Can't remember what movie that accented quotation is from. Someone teaching an English course, in NYC, I think, and teaching the students to swear. So they're repeatedly swearing in accented English. "Son of B! Sh!")

So I wake up, thinking its close to time to actually, you know, get up. I'm sort of absent-mindedly running my fingers along the scab that is left on top of my head from where I lightly ran into the wall the last time I swam. I'm thinking, "Man, I hope that is gone by the next swimming session . . . "

And then it hit me.

Dammit.

The "next" swimming session was two days ago. I forgot it because of Teri being sick and working on my proposal.

Dammit.

Feeling tired

. . . and I'm not sure what else . . .

. . . cold, like the office temperature has dropped 10 degrees . . .

. . . grumpy . . .

. . . I dunno . . . a little depressed, without knowing why? . . .

. . . I feel like my brain has stopped functioning . . . the room spinning ever so slightly . . . 

Today's word

syncretism /SING-kruh-tiz-um/ - 1. the combination of different forms of belief or practice 2. the fusion of two or more originally different inflectional forms

I've definitely encountered this word in both senses, and understood its meaning pretty accurately in context.

An exciting opportunity

I'm so pleased that I'm going to be giving a talk at our next Unbound seminar on Forgiveness. One of the Five Keys with which people often struggle considerably in their lives, it's also a topic on which I've written quite a lot. One of my previous posts even focuses on forgiveness in the context of the Five Keys, and others address what forgiveness isn't and what it is.

Of course, this talk won't be mostly my thoughts. There's a well-developed outline I will follow. But there will be room to share a few insights I have learned along the way, too.

Prayer and light

I just read yesterday's extracanonical reading from the Office of Readings, which I didn't get around to yesterday because of the crazy day at the hospital with Teri. Falling in love with it again, I was getting ready to copy and paste it in here, then realized that I must have posted about it before. Indeed, and here it is. Don't spend too much time on my reflection; soak in the wisdom from an ancient  homily which my breviary says is from St. John Chrysostom and the Universalis site credits to "pseudo-Chrysostom."  (I like the breviary wording a little better, too, but not enough to type it in here.)

Tee hee

I'm not telling!

Loooonnnngggg day

That first word has one letter for every full hour of work yesterday. But I think I'm going to make my deadline of noon today, and will leave early.

My Exodus

All the day I am ashamed,
  I blush with shame
as they reproach me and revile me,
  my enemies and my persecutors.
All this happened to us,
  but not because we had forgotten you.
We were not disloyal to your covenant;
  our hearts did not turn away;
  our steps did not wander from your path;
and yet you brought us low,
  with horrors all about us:
  you overwhelmed us in the shadows of death. Ps 44: 14-19

For all that the Psalms express what we might be feeling, they also express things that will never be true for me. I will never be able to proclaim my faithfulness to the Lord's covenant. Yet that no longer torments me as it did. I know that the Lord is present with me in the desert, just as Jesus knew that He was present with the Father.

Dear friends, at every moment the earth is full of the mercy of God, and nature itself is a lesson for all the faithful in the worship of God. The heavens, the sea and all that is in them bear witness to the goodness and omnipotence of their Creator, and the marvellous beauty of the elements as they obey him demands from the intelligent creation a fitting expression of its gratitude.

But with the return of that season marked out in a special way by the mystery of our redemption, and of the days that lead up to the paschal feast, we are summoned more urgently to prepare ourselves by a purification of spirit.

The special note of the paschal feast is this: the whole Church rejoices in the forgiveness of sins. It rejoices in the forgiveness not only of those who are then reborn in holy baptism but also of those who are already numbered among God’s adopted children.

Initially, men are made new by the rebirth of baptism. Yet there still is required a daily renewal to repair the shortcomings of our mortal nature, and whatever degree of progress has been made there is no one who should not be more advanced. All must therefore strive to ensure that on the day of redemption no one may be found in the sins of his former life.
  
Dear friends, what the Christian should be doing at all times should be done now with greater care and devotion, so that the Lenten fast enjoined by the apostles may be fulfilled, not simply by abstinence from food but above all by the renunciation of sin. - St. Leo the Great, Pope

I think that it is because our pastors in recent decades have emphasized the three great Lenten practices of prayer, fasting, and almsgiving that I have lost sight, a bit, of a fundamental part of this path to holiness: turning away from sin. Or perhaps it is because I have so consistently failed to do so, despite my intentions.

It is true that we are always to turn from our sin, that this is an every day calling for us. But this season calls us to refocus on that in the context of God's call to us. This time in the desert is part of our Exodus, by which God delivers us from slavery into His kingdom. It is good for me to partake of this manna, which can seem more like drudgery than the gift of God's sustenance, yet the latter is what it truly is.

Into the desert

I suppose I've already been living there, though. My life is a desert.
But I learned in Oregon that the desert is full of beauty, too.

Abide with us, that so, this life
of suffering overpast,
an Easter of unending joy
we may attain at last. - Clau­dia F. Her­na­man

Today's word

An interesting Words at Play post on the increasingly rare use of "soever" words led to an interesting new word:

tmesis /(tə-)ˈmē-səs/ - separation of parts of a compound word by the intervention of one or more words (such as what place soever for whatsoever place)

I can't help but wonder if the insertion of words in the middle of a common phrase - such as "shut up," which people frequently divide by insertion of a two-word expletive beginning with the definite article - is also considered tmesis, or merely vulgar.

Beginning another Lent

Our granddaughter surprised us by insisting on going to Mass this morning. It was very nice being there with her to begin this Lent. She's taking this season very seriously.

My soul, give thanks to the Lord
all my being, bless his holy name.
My soul, give thanks to the Lord
and never forget all his blessings.
It is he who forgives all your guilt,
who heals every one of your ills,
who redeems your life from the grave,
who crowns you with love and compassion,
who fills your life with good things,
renewing your youth like an eagle's.
The Lord does deeds of justice,
gives judgment for all who are oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses
and his deeds to Israel's sons.
The Lord is compassion and love,
slow to anger and rich in mercy.
His wrath will come to an end;
he will not be angry for ever.
He does not treat us according to our sins
nor repay us according to our faults.
For as the heavens are high above the earth
so strong is his love for those who fear him.
As far as the east is from the west
so far does he remove our sins.
As a father has compassion on his sons,
the Lord has pity on those who fear him;
for he knows of what we are made,
he remembers that we are dust.
As for man, his days are like grass;
he flowers like the flower of the field;
The wind blows and he is gone
and his place never sees him again.
But the love of the Lord is everlasting
upon those who hold him in fear;
his justice reaches out to children's children
when they keep his covenant in truth,
when they keep his will in their mind.
The Lord has set his sway in heaven
and his kingdom is ruling over all.
Give thanks to the Lord, all his angels,
mighty in power, fulfilling his word,
who heed the voice of his word.
Give thanks to the Lord, all his hosts,
his servants who do his will.
Give thanks to the Lord, all his works,
in every place where he rules.
My soul, give thanks to the Lord! - Ps 103

From today's Office of Readings. What a great psalm to start the season.