Create in me . . .

I know that it has long since been time to recommit myself to banishing the last traces of my stepfather's attitudes from my life.  Yet for the life of me I find myself clinging to his perspective.  I don't blame this on him, as it is entirely possible I'd have embraced the world's point of view even without him; after all, I'd certainly already taken steps along that road when he entered my life.  So even though I've never acted in accordance with those attitudes, chasing after cheap gratification in ways that casually disregard my loved ones and any commitment to purity, that part of me that still feels that I've "missed out on the 'fun'" has got to go.

I can't root it out myself, Lord.  Help me.

What a wonderful day!  We were expecting to be blown out of sailing by winds that were just too strong to be in everyone's comfort zone.  Instead, we were able to go out for a day sail of a couple hours.  Yes, the winds were pretty strong, and even using only the mainsail we were heeling over pretty well and moving right along.  I got some time at the helm, and really enjoyed it.  But before too long the winds were picking up a little more, and we headed back in.

After docking in an alternate location due to the high winds making it too challenging to get into our slip, and after helping two other boats get into theirs - though the wind was slightly less during their dockings - we had lunch on the boat, then headed back to the trailer for some relaxation time.  After a nice nap, our hosts' friends came over and we enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, played cards (Polish rummy), and called it a night.  Oh, and I think I probably drank more in one day than in almost any recent week, though gradually throughout the day, so was never felt at all even tipsy, let alone inebriated.  

Am hoping we'll be able to get in a little more time under sail today!

Learning to live with myself

A lesson that's so hard to learn

Even locked down in a prison

There's a cellmate with friendship to earn

It's harder to face up to the mirror

Leave all the habits on the shelf

Until He gives me the call

The hardest of all

Will be learning to live with myself - Merle Haggard

No more night light

As a courtesy to one another, my wife and I typically leave a light on in the bedroom for whichever one of us goes to bed last.  (I'm almost always in bed before her.)  We have a clip light in a window behind a curtain which serves this purpose pretty well without casting so much light into the room that it keeps us from going to sleep.  Those curtains are a fairly heavy material, so they also block and diffuse the morning sunlight pretty well.

So when I woke up, I was surprised to see that it was already daylight, and that Teri was up and out of the room already, to the point that she'd neatly pulled the sheet and covers up on her side of the bed.  The dog was out of the room, too.  I couldn't figure out how I'd slept so much later than she had.  I knew I hadn't heard her alarm, and figured she hadn't just gotten up and gone out to the sofa during the night - as each of us tends to do out of courtesy for the other when we're having trouble sleeping - as she wouldn't have made her side of the bed in that case.  Finally I rolled over to look at the clock, and was shocked to see I'd slept past noon.  I didn't panic over being late for work, as it didn't register that today was a work day.  But finally everything coalesced into an accurate picture of reality: it was only a little past midnight.

And, of course, the light in the room was from the light I'd left on for her when I'd gone to bed 90 minutes before.  I'd apparently fallen asleep quickly and soundly.  From now on, she's going to have to make due with the light from the hallway which, on the other side of a closed door, should keep me from having such a complete - or at least completely misinterpreted - awakening.

If there's one trait I hate it's hypocrisy.  I come by that honestly.  My mom always emphasized the importance of integrity and fairness.

According to the person whose opinion most matters, I'm a great hypocrite. Apparently, I have a double standard for "practically everything."  Even given overnight to chew on it and a clear indication of how much it hurt me, there was not a hint of a retraction or a qualification of that opinion.

And I value her opinion very highly.

That she loves me anyway isn't really very consoling.  "You're what you hate worst, but I love you anyway . . ."?  That just isn't working for me.

It really hurts when the person you love most gives voice to your own self-accusation.

I know which dwarf I am!

Okay, there's no doubt about it: I'm Sleepy, I just don't know what to do about it.  I was in bed by 10:30 last night, woke briefly once during the night and quickly returned to sleep, and didn't wake up again until the alarm went off this morning.  So why was I still nodding off at my desk, even to the point that I was dreaming music to accompany my dozing?

(In case you're wondering, it was frantic piano music, in the style of the opening licks of Flight of the Bumblebee,  only without the pauses, and with a driving bass drum beat in 4/4)

So, what happens when I'm certain that God wants to give me a gift - or as certain as I can be - and I keep proving over and over again that I don't want it?

I suppose that what happens is that I ask for the humility to ask for what I am lacking: both the gift and the desire for it.

A wonderful whirlwind

So here it is Wednesday, and my first chance to get some thoughts down on a great weekend.

First of all, I was frustrated by having to work all day on Friday, since there's no one else to get the data together I gather on a weekly basis for our beta site metrics.  I'd have far preferred a noon departure to the 5 p.m. one that I ended up with.  And the local traffic was a mess leaving the credit union after picking up some pocket money. Things in Columbus were as expected, and I could've saved myself a little anxiety by avoiding I70 through downtown.  The good news was that I was able to get back to the alternate route easily, and it took me right by City Barbecue, which is always a treat.  After that the traffic was no problem.  Oh, some telephone support from a good friend regarding motor oil came in handy along the way.  And the drive to Maryland really is about perfect for a Zeppelin marathon; I'd just started in on Coda when I got to the hotel.

It was so nice being with Teri again after nearly 3 days.  I guess I was talkative on my arrival, keeping the both of us up for a while after I got there until I'd unwound enough to fall asleep.  She got even by picking up the conversation at 8 a.m., by which point we'd been asleep for maybe 5 hours.  We snoozed for a while longer, after which the remains of the morning was a flurry, as we got breakfast, dropped Teri back off at the hotel to get ready, I got the wedding gift - which I couldn't believe she hadn't taken care of - and then got dressed myself and to the church basically just at the scheduled start time of the service, which actually began at least 15 minutes late.

This was probably the nicest secular wedding I've ever attended, with a couple of poetry/prose readings and a nice reflection on love by the presider.  I still don't know what a couple stands on when they eventually fall short, though.  I've never known anyone who didn't ultimately come face-to-face with their own failings, at which point forgiveness and grace need to come from somewhere.  I've known some pretty amazing people, but I don't know anyone who really has much of that of themselves.

The reception was a lot of fun, and included the conclusion of a reconciliation which I've been longing for and nurturing for a very long time.  That was a very heartwarming moment for me.  After napping for a while, we "oldsters" got together for some pizza, then joined the youngsters for drinks and pool at a popular local hangout.  It was a very nice time.

The drive back on Sunday got started later than I'd hoped, and we ran into some traffic along the way, but fortunately I found a later mass than I expected to cap off a wonderful weekend.

A day at Kings Island

I can't say for certain how many years it has been since I was last at Kings Island, but I'm pretty sure I still had a daughter in high school.  The thing is, as much as I enjoy roller coasters, I'm not really an amusement park kind of guy, primarily because I don't like crowds.  Okay, I abhor, detest, and generally hate crowds.  I don't know if the contrast with the absolute chaos of CityFolk on Saturday night made the difference, or if it was just that the crowd wasn't that bad because it was a weekday.  But that wasn't the big reason I found yesterday so enjoyable.

Here I was at Kings Island with my two oldest grandsons, and we just hung out together all day.  There was no "I'll do this, you do that, we'll meet at such-and-such a place and time."  We rode rides together, visited the water park together, hung out together.  I let them off the hook for the next-to-last scorching walk out to the car, letting them hang out in Skyline and eat their chili- and cheese- fries while I went out for a fresh water bottle.  Then, when they were in the wave pool I tried to spare my not-very-sunburn-protecting shirt a complete drenching by remaining in the shallow area while they ventured out deep, and for the same sunburned reason I skipped the water slides they each took a couple of turns on.  But otherwise we road roller coasters and took a couple loops around a lazy river and ate and drank and just spent time together all day long, and they were great with that.

I figure that, at 13 and 11, I'd better enjoy such days with them while I can.

Shaken

I suppose one must be more careful where one seeks evidence for God.

I've been telling everyone I know how my prayers for my "godson" were finally answered.  It isn't that I've based my faith on that, but I've certainly invested a degree of my recent testimony to God's love and faithfulness in it.  In the grand scheme of things I don't really mind appearing gullible or foolish so much as I do the hurt in my daughter's heart.  I'm really glad I never spoke in front of her so much my belief that Jason's return to our life was an example of God's handiwork.  And I sincerely hope this setback doesn't undermine her own faith.

I'm also really sad for my son-in-law's remaining brokenness.

Oh, and then I find that I must consider this question: if others turn out to not be really transformed, am I?  Fortunately I can see that the chief difference is that I've never viewed my recovery as an example of miraculous/divine intervention in my life.  I worked hard to make the changes that I needed to.  As long as I remember that that work is never over and done with, that I always need to remain vigilant, I will still be okay.

Right?

Wanting vs. willingness

In any relationship, in most areas mutual willingness is sufficient, there are some in which mutual wanting is probably called for, and there are others in which no degree of mutual consent will suffice.  And it's probably a strange mind that chews on these things!  And while I'm couching examples in terms of marriage, the same general concepts apply to friendships and other relationships, too.

For instance, if my wife really wants us to go to the beach for vacation, and it isn't exactly what I want yet I'm willing to go along with it, well, let's pack the bags and go.  And that's okay as the wanting and the willing aren't always one way.  Many areas of our relationships are that way, and as long as the same person isn't always doing the "going along," that's okay.

There are a few areas in which if one of us wants a thing and the other is merely willing - especially if reluctantly - to go along, we probably shouldn't do it unless we agree that it's the probably best course of action.  This would include things like major purchases, uprooting the family, etc.  These things should usually require more than mere permission.  And there may be some areas where one person just really ought to set aside their want if they know the other isn't enthusiastic about it.  I will confess I haven't always been good at recognizing these areas.

And for some areas, even mutual enthusiasm isn't sufficient.  Many of these are called "crimes," but by no means all.

But trying to think through every little thing in these terms can drive a person nuts!  It's better to have a clear sense of these things in advance.

Eden bids me

Eden bids me sing a song,

and with her true tune harmonize,

to let our reveling reveal

the one who always sanctifies.

Eden bids me to a dance
of love that's pure, that ever yearns
to occupy its rightful place
and with the Father's glory burns.

Eden bids me lead my heart

lest I should covet aught but grace.
Do not distract, or faithfulness
with empty vanity replace.

Eden bids me wonder at

the beauty that within her lies,

yet never take my vision from

the one revealed in each surprise.

Eden bids me not forget
that ev'ry gift of heart is meant
to help us walk upon the way,
and that each blessing's heaven-sent

Eden bids me not to set

my heart on what's not mine to hold;

forsake the fruit that would corrupt;

embrace only the purest gold.

Eden bids me cherish all
her gifts in their appointed way
that we may revel, in the end,
without the burden of dismay

Eden bids me walk along
the paths of wonder that life brings,
and let the object of our song
forever be the king of kings.