And sometimes I'm talking to an alien

When the partner of your life begins a sentence with, "If she'd have just lied . . . "

Yes, sometimes life is momentarily easier when we do the wrong thing. Even significantly so.

Rejecting the world's POV

It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking like the world does, about ourselves, our struggles, our nature, what our aspirations and approach to life should be. It's easy to make our goal something other than a holy life in response to God's love and grace and mercy. It's easy, even, to reject that goal as both quaint and unrealistic, and to instead chase some other form of self realization.

First things first.

Our holy seasons should serve to remind us of all God has done for us, and motivate us to do everything else in response to that.

A physical/emotional response

I just noticed a strange and revelatory response I had (have, I'm pretty sure; it felt familiar) to a frequent thought. I was setting aside a temptation to engage in an impure thought process that leads me to sin, partly because I just received prayer for this area last night in preparation for this weekend's Unbound seminar. It was the most subtly sublime moment of grace-filled, Spirit-driven self revelation, concerning a physio-emotional response that I have to temptation. As I decided to not engage in this thought process, I felt the muscles at the base of my skull contract, and I noticed that I thought of why I don't want to engage in that thought process right now, as if I was reserving it to return to at a later time.

As I say, this felt familiar, and I considered other recent times that I have felt this physical sensation. It turns out that it has never been so much a rejection as a postponement of my tempting thoughts, and it is a reason I have not been able to persevere in purity in this area. I then considered when else I have felt like this: it also turns out that this response was seared into me when I was being sexually abused. It is directly related to my resignation to my physical inability to ever force my way past my stepfather to escape from the room when I was a teenager. It became part of the inevitability of my submission to him sexually, and subsequently of my submission to sexual impurity in general.

Wow. This is exactly the sort of red flag I should have learned about in one of my rounds of therapy. It's a question I would now ask of anyone who shared that they struggle in a given area: go back to the beginning of the latest incident, and let's go through how your body physically responded before you realized you were responding. Then: when is the earliest time you remember feeling that way?

I'm not going to assume that the battle is over now. But I understand something about it that I never did before, a physical and emotional and thought process that ties in with the spiritual aspect that I've tried to invoke previously. Perhaps, now that I have all four pieces, I can have lasting victory in this area.

The Source

The Scriptures say that every family takes its name from the Father (see Eph 3:15). In the Greek language, the words for "father" (pater) and "family" (patria) are closely related. In other words, every family finds its source and identity in the Father. He is the reason we are, and we find our place and our purpose in relationship with Him. The source of all that love, of family and of home is the Father Himself. For all eternity, the Father has loved the Son and the Son has loved the Father. - Neal Lozano, Abba's Heart 

This is why St. John's gospel (Jn 1:3) proclaims of Jesus, the Word, that through Him all things were made, and Colossians (1:16) says that all things were created in Him, made through Him and for Him. It is the love of the Father for the Son that set all of creation into being and sustains it, and their love for us which caused the eternal Son to enter time, to show us the nature of love - of their love, of which every other love except that inspired by the Holy Spirit is but a distortion.

(This is the part I've been wanting to reflect on since I first read it on Sunday, two days ago!)

Neglecting our responsibilities, with cause

I suppose I could be referring to never having any time to express a worthwhile thought anymore. The new job is great, but getting out the door in time for work in the morning has put a damper on my early-morning writing, and accessing social media even on breaks is verboten in my new workplace. Evenings have been crazy busy, too. But at last I have a few minutes to gather a few thoughts from the last week.

My feelings are probably not sufficiently in touch with the citizens of Paris. But then, most Westerners' feelings haven't been sufficiently in touch with the citizens of Syria, Iraq, or Afghanistan for entirely too long. The attack in Paris was supposed to be shocking, but I am not shocked anymore by what we will do to each other in God's name, or that of Justice. From our perspective, the perpetrators of terrorist acts have been primarily Islamic extremists, but those whose homes are destroyed by war may not make such a distinction in who they blame for their homelessness. Don't get me wrong: I'm not suggesting that collateral damage in attempting to combat evil is the same as intentional attack on innocent people, just that I understand why those collateral victims might have a different opinion from mine.

I hope I always remember what the rabbi at the NYC memorial service after 9/11 said. The gist of it was that great threat of evil is not what it does to us from without, but what we become in response to it. And the evil that we have encountered over the past fourteen years has apparently made us a fearful, defensive people, incapable of understanding others' pain. I understand the feelings of my friends who refuse to extend a welcome to those displaced by war in their home country. But their anti-terrorist-cum-anti-Muslim fear prevents Christian refugees from taking shelter among us, too. We seem to have forgotten that the entire Sunni-vs.-Shiite conflict in the Islamic-dominated lands leaves Christians with nowhere to turn. "I don't care," they may protest; it isn't worth the risk, hunkering down in their shells in the middle of the highway.

Really, though, that makes it sound as if my motivation is the same as theirs - determining who best deserves to find a refuge - when I'm really just making an observation about a side effect of what seems to be a predominant view of the "religious right." I find myself disagreeing with their protectionist stance.

I could invoke Franklin, I guess, whose adage about those who would trade liberty for safety could probably be easily extended to those who would protect their own well-being at the expense of those who are far worse off. Or maybe we could talk in terms of lust-filled David, whose royal harem was insufficient to quench his lust for poor Uriah's wife.

But while I recognize that we have a responsibility to look after the safety of our own citizens, the image that keeps coming to my mind is how my Lord treated me when I was his enemy. He did not shrink back from the harm I would do to him, but in his great love and compassion ran forward to embrace the worst hurt that I had to offer, that he might thereby win me to himself. I have long held that it is impossible to simultaneously love another and protect oneself, and that is the true nature of the debate.

To hear us talk, I think it's time to scratch that inscription off the base of that wonderful gift we got from France almost 130 years ago, though. We've become to afraid to care any longer who else yearns to breathe free.

Incarnation

6/8 Intro/Interlude: |D  A G  D|Bm  |D  A G  D  |F#m 
  A       |D        |A        |D  A   G  D  |(F#m) A     |
Imagine a time, one moment containing ev-ry mo  -  ment
D                        |A      |G          Em       |Bm     |
Poignant, mundane, breathtaking, heartrending  and sublime
     |Em     F#m   |Bm7         |Em       A    |Bm7sus4 Bm7  |
Each joy and every sorrow every heart has ever known
G        Em      |Asus4  A   
Touch upon God's timelessness

Interlude

Picture a |place so |open  it|reaches every |place
from vast |galaxies down to |leptons which our |senses can't per|ceive
|Mountaintops and deep |oceans, shining |stars and prison |cells
Im|merse in God's sacred |presence

Refrain:
     |G   Em     F#m         |Em   A/C#    Bm   |
O my God, You're beyond all imag  - in  -  ing
          Em           Gm          |Bm          
though we struggle and yearn to conceive
      |G   Em    F#m        |Em  A/C#   Bm  
You reveal yourself in your love for    us
        |G          A         |Interlude
Give us hearts that burn to believe

Con|ceive of every con|ception every |one has ever |fathomed
Phi|losophies and in|ventions, |plots, ideas and |schemes 
Each |wonder science dis|covers and |mysteries not yet re|vealed  |
Marvel at God's |boundless mind

Interlude

Consider a |love so |giving it |begs us all to |enter  |
Bearing each hurt and |betrayal, re|turning forgiveness and |peace   |
Shining great light in deep |darkness, bringing |hope to those in des|pair   |
Fall |into God's |loving arms

Refrain

Bridge:
G             Em              |G            A     |
  Since we're told that we're made in God's image
G        Em         |G       A     |
  We assign God our image as well
G          Em              |G            A        
  Bound by physics, space, time, and our feelings
    |G             Em    |G                 |Asus4   |A Tacet 
our minds cannot hope to grasp all that God is

But know this small |child, one |infant who |touches every |person For|saking the glory  of |heaven to be|come as one of |us     |
Born to deliver, by |dying and rising, |all people unto him|self
Come |enter God's |very life

Refrain

© 2015, LifeKnell Music Ministry; All rights reserved.

Incarnation

(edited 10/10)
At last I think I have finished this song about which I was so excited when I started it, nearly two years ago. It turns out that I needed time away from it to get out of my own way, to figure out how to rework the lyrics so that, while they may actually seem more awkward (at the end of each verse and the bridge) to read, the music and therefore the entire song now flow much better, and the parallelism between the verses is vastly improved. I also have a tentative title that I like at least a little.

I am highly indebted to the motivational influence of other wonderful songwriters. I was inspired to start this song after hearing the talented members of the Heider family share their music in a house concert. I was moved to revisit it after rehearsing for the first time with Keri Edwards, Kris Krumal and Nic Cardilino to accompany their wonderful songwriters' concert.

This is, of course, too long, and way heady, but there is a point to both of these shortcomings, as it's so broad in what it attempts to convey (which may literally be the understatement of all time and eternity).


Incarnation

Imagine a time: one moment containing every moment
Poignant, mundane, breathtaking, heartrending and sublime
Each joy and every sorrow every heart has ever known
Touch upon God's timelessness

Picture a place so open it reaches every place
from vast galaxies down to leptons which our senses can't perceive
Mountaintops and deep oceans, shining stars and prison cells
Immerse in God's sacred presence

Refrain:
O my God, you're beyond all imagining
though we struggle and yearn to conceive
You reveal yourself in your love for us
Give us hearts that burn to believe

Conceive of every conception everyone has ever fathomed
Philosophies and inventions, plots, ideas and schemes
Each wonder science discovers and mysteries not yet revealed
Marvel at God's boundless mind

Consider a love so giving it begs us all to enter
Bearing each hurt and betrayal, returning forgiveness and peace
Shining great light in deep darkness, bringing hope to those in despair
Fall into God's loving arms

Refrain

Bridge:
Since we're told that we're made in God's image
We assign God our image as well
Bound by physics, space, time and our feelings
Our minds cannot hope to grasp all that God is

But know this small child, one infant who touches every person
Forsaking the glory of heaven to become as one of us
Born to deliver, by dying and rising, all people unto himself
Come enter God's very life

Refrain

© 2014, 2015, LifeKnell Music Ministry; All rights reserved.

This is my calling (updated)

This was a vague enough heading. Apologies to the reader. Now, to expand just a little.

The moment before I posted this title I felt a wave of dissatisfaction with life crash into me. There was no real reason for it; it's just something that I get for brief moments sometimes, and it can spiral if I let my thoughts linger on whatever brings it on.

So the title of this post was my response to that momentary feeling, a bit of a "thought-stopper" to check that feeling and that train of thought before they could derail the enjoyable evening that my wife and I had spent together.

Staying out of a disagreement, yet expressing my thoughts

50 Shades would seem completely unobjectional in circles in which sexuality and novelty are celebrated as inherently good for their own sake, because pleasure for its own sake is viewed either as a positive or even as a means of personal growth. 

But these things are no more true of our sexuality than they are about any other good thing. Every gift from God has a proper place for which is was intended and for which it thrives, and outside of that place becomes like a cancer. 

The thing that concerns me is not that society embraces 50 Shades; we should expect nothing else. In fact, I get frustrated with Christians who expect nonbelievers to live by the standards to which God calls us. It isn't that there is anything wrong with pointing out the inherent shortcomings in the secular attitude, but we must do so without a sense of moral superiority, as if we are better than nonbelievers because we have accepted a gift we don't deserve. 

So my first concern about 50 Shades is a reflection of a much larger one: that so many within the church think that it's acceptable to remove a beautiful gift of God from its proper place and boundaries and simply revel in it for its own sake. We have grown up immersed in a society that snubs its nose at quaint ideas of propriety and purity, of the preposterous idea that any good thing should be reserved for God and the purposes for which he designed it, let alone that we ourselves might exist only to glorify him so that all might enter into his boundless love. There are many believers who see nothing wrong with the world's point of view, especially versus the perceived alternative of puritanical restriction on something the world sees as too long withheld from us. These believers have accepted the lie that we have further evolved and become more enlightened than our primitive forebears of centuries past. Any time spent reading their profound thoughts ought to disabuse us of the notion that we are superior to them merely by virtue of our technological advances. 

But the temptation to consider our sexuality as outside of God's purview, as something that we should decide for ourselves the best use of, is the same as for wealth, possessions, power, happiness, leisure, etc. These are each good in proper context but become harmful when taken out of it, or when taken to extremes or made a goal into themselves. And when the church joins secular society in misusing God's gifts rather than proclaiming the higher truth, we are not doing our job.

All of that, though, does not mean that my concerns about 50 Shades are limited to its effect on church members. Quite the opposite. As someone whose  adolescence and subsequent life were marred by the abuse of the concept of mutual consent, I believe that I am well qualified to observe that yes, for some people - perhaps many people, who will certainly almost never realize it at the top - this slope  is very slippery.  The more we mainstream sexual permissiveness, the more people will get caught up in their weaknesses. Also, the more people will attempt to manipulate others into actions that they would not choose for themselves.

Finally, these books and film themselves bear testimony to the existence of a slippery slope; fifty years ago they would have found only a niche acceptance rather than the widespread acclaim they have today. Simply stated, though, these glorify sexual revelry outside of the marriage covenant by promoting forms of it which are novel and therefore exciting, when that is not God's plan for any of us.

But we know better, right?

Conforming (phase 2), An Enneagram Exercise and The Value System of Jesus Christ (step 11), session 1

I have been warned against enneagrams, that they are not solidly grounded in Christian orthodoxy and that there may be negative spiritual influences in them. As a charismatic Catholic, I tend to be careful with both of these possible concerns. So I have read this exercise, and I plan to be very careful in its application.

One thing that I appreciate about the retreat's approach is its insistence that we not try to pigeonhole ourselves into one center or type.  As I read, I could look back over the arc of my life and see that I may previously have had a very different center and type from the one that I think most applies to me now. I can especially see the value of being aware of my current type from the standpoint of seeking the grace to grow out of my current areas of struggle and weakness.

That said, I can see that this sort of thing might tend to cause us to be too focused on ourselves and not enough on Jesus Christ. The retreat seems pretty Christocentric, though, so I'm hopeful it will avoid this trap moving forward. I do appreciate their inclusion of fear and deceit along with the traditional seven deadly sins; in my experience, these are often bigger drivers than we realize.

I am not going to share here what I see as my current center and type. They seem obvious to me, and I can see that they are now perhaps quite different from what they may have been at other points in my life.  Perhaps readers who think they know me well (and who have time to read the lengthy exercise) might share in a comment what they see in me.

There shall come forth a shoot from the stump of Jesse, and a branch shall grow out of his roots. And the Spirit of the LORD shall rest upon him, 
the spirit of wisdom and understanding,
the spirit of counsel and might,
the spirit of knowledge and the fear of the LORD.
And his delight shall be in the fear of the LORD. He shall not judge by what his eyes see, or decide by what his ears hear . . . - Is 11, 1-3

Two things strike me about this passage, the first of two included in this step. The first is that it seems to put the enneagram - or any other analytic personality tool - in its proper perspective. Only the wisdom of the Spirit can provide a suitable lens for transforming the heart from the kingdom of darkness to the kingdom of Jesus Christ. We tend to put too much value on our analysis; this tendency is an inherent component of our rationality. There is value in analysis, just not so much as we attribute to it.

I nearly forgot the second thing that struck me from this reading, as I was distracted in the middle of my writing by some other tasks I needed to attend to. After two additional times of reading through it, now I remember!  I was struck again by our modern misunderstanding of what the fear of the Lord really is. At its best and most useful, it isn't a matter of being wary of divine karma, as one of Flip Wilson's characters proclaimed (and, later, George and Tammy sang) that "God's gonna get'cha for that!" One of my earliest posts was on this topic, actually. (It's hard to believe that I have been recording my thoughts here for nearly 8 years, and also that such an old post seems to stand the test of time.)

As truly provided by the Holy Spirit, the fear of the Lord is indeed a thing to be delighted in. Along with the other gifts from these verses, it is our guide into the life to which God calls us. I delight that God gives me something greater to direct my life than my worldly fears!

The Two Standards, part 1

When Jesus answers to Satan, “One does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes forth from the mouth of God”, (Lk 4:4 and Mt 4:4, cf. Dt 8:3) it means that he chose to renounce the immediate gratification in order to follow what God’s will was for him. - The Two Standards meditation, 140-142. First Part: The Standard of Satan, the “values” he uses to deceive and seduce all of us

I am not so good at making this choice consistently. I do it pretty well for the bigger things, but there are areas of purity that I miss out on because I indulge in immediately gratifying thoughts instead.

The second temptation of Jesus is to let the power principle dominate his life. The search for power, personal prestige and status, the exploitation of others in order to gain these, and the allure of “honor” is so much widespread phenomenon that Alfred Adler in his “individual psychology” asserted it as the basic drive in life. Although a certain level of self-esteem is necessary for a healthy psyche, the temptation of the power drive misleads us to seek status and honor directly, and the price to pay for it is in destroyed relationships, falsity and deceit. - ibid.

There can be a tricky balance between setting appropriate boundaries for ourselves and trying to exercise power over the lives of others. Sometimes the people around us can feel that we are imposing boundaries or values on them when we are really only setting them for ourselves. It's an important distinction. To keep from being taken advantage of in an unhealthy way, I must sometimes prevent another from taking unhealthy advantage of me. That can feel to them as if I am trying to make a decision for them that they do not wish to make for themselves, when in truth I am truly only making a decision about what is healthy for me. It is important, when we are on the other side of such a decision, not to allow our own wishes to outweigh our respect for the other person by acting in a dishonest way in order to coerce a decision in line with our own wishes. This is especially hard when we feel that we need our lives to be different from how they actually are.

Viktor Frankl pointed out many times that there are several things, like joy and happiness that cannot be willed directly but should come as a by-product of one’s deeds. As the pursuit of happiness does not lead to its fulfillment so is it with the power drive. - ibid.

I've been thinking about this lately. In fact, I have long been convinced that the single greatest obstacle to finding happiness is to pursue it directly. Matthew Kelly propounds that we maximize our happiness by becoming the best version of ourselves, by making physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy choices rather than pursuing happiness for its own sake.

The third temptation of Jesus as Robert C. Leslie points out is to escape from personal responsibility, which is a manifestation of self-sufficiency and pride. Harder to recognize than the other two this temptation is permeating our culture on personal and societal level. It works through the dominance of psychological and sociological determinism. We can excuse our behavior endlessly by past traumas and by what others did or did not. - ibid.

There is so much in these few sentences. First of all, I'm pretty sure that I've never thought of the third temptation quite in these terms, but this makes perfect sense. Jesus is tempted to escape the consequences of a personal decision. The one thing that I am pleased about concerning my initial experience with therapy is that, while I needed to learn the effect that my childhood abuse had on my adulthood decision making, I recognized from the beginning that I was responsible for my choices. No matter how many men may have sexually abused me when I was a kid, I knew that I was responsible for my own adult actions. But this temptation remains so very present in how we respond to stimuli around us, as it is so easy to feel that we have been provoked into our choices.

In reality the future does not depend so much on past experiences as on our conscious decisions in the present. - ibid.

Yes!! Now, it is true that our past may have trained us to make decisions in a way that does not maximize our future growth, but we have the power to recognize that and learn to make our decisions in a different way. But let's say, for instance, that I recognize that I have a tendency to try to fix things for those around me. It does no good to recognize that trait in myself unless I recognize when I am doing that at the expense of others.

Responsibility is an indelible characteristic of human existence and it means that we ought to give a response or an answer for our acts in front of our conscience. In religious terms, we are created beings and we are not self-sufficient but our life is constant gift from God whose creative love we respond to with our existence, choices and acts. - ibid.

Yes, all of our life is our response to God's creative love, in one way or another. I must choose to respond in ways that draw me more deeply into that love, believing that God's plan for my life is more trustworthy than my own wishes, which are subtly tainted by the influence of the standard of Satan in my life and on the world around me.

Okay I haven't even started looking at the reflection on Jesus' standard, but there is just so much in here! The really should have made this initial meditation part of a longer step; one week was just not enough to cover this along with six individual session readings. On the other hand, they do revisit it twice in short order.

Conforming (phase 2), The parable of the Kingdom of Christ (step 7), session 6

Conforming does not mean an external imitation but it expresses the essence of belonging to Christ, as “to be conformed to the image” (Rom 8:29) of the Son. Meanwhile tradition uses the expression Imitatio Christi, “Imitation of Christ” for what we call here conforming, it is not meant to be () a slavish copying Jesus’ words or deeds (nor) a sort of moralizing based on Jesus’ example. - Step by Step Retreats

If reforming is the act of allowing God to remove from our lives the outright sin that has deformed us, conforming must be a matter of embracing Jesus fully, with all of his radical implications in our lives.  I'm not sure the degree to which this is a matter of B following A. Perhaps the two processes end up working back and forth between each other over the course of a lifetime.

And they stripped him and put a scarlet robe upon him, and plaiting a crown of thorns they put it on his head, and put a reed in his right hand. And kneeling before him they mocked him, saying, "Hail, King of the Jews!"- Mt 27, 28-29

Sometimes I forget to think about the sort of King I am following, and what it means to conform to him. It is no accident that we have two consecutive sessions in this step that are taken from accounts of Jesus' Passion. This is how Jesus has won his kingdom to himself, how he defends it from attack, how he tends to his subjects' deepest needs. Even when we are rejecting and mocking him, his love is at work to redeem, reform and conform our lives.

It can feel like a discontinuity to reflect on these things in the season of Advent. But I think it is good, as we seek a fuller coming of Christ into our lives by conforming to him, to remember why he came in the first place, and how he establishes the kingdom that we desire to enter more fully, and what is the means of our participation in that kingdom - or, in another sense, what it means for us to be his conformed subjects.

Societal light amid darkness:

(Where it is and where it isn't.)

Sometimes we just don't get it.

Jonathan Jones writes for the Guardian, and he's apparently having one of those moments. I've never read anything he's written before, so I don't know just how usual this is for him. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that it is a rare slip, even as I observe that he has missed what is far and away the important point of this photo in his frustration over the viral status of the "hug felt 'round the world."

The cop appears to be comforting the boy. After all the anger, all the divisions, here is a moment of human reconciliation.

What nonsense. It is one moment among many, and the choice to look at it and celebrate it is clearly a choice to be lulled by cotton candy. It has got more than 400,000 Facebook shares. Each one of those shares is a choice of what to see and what not to see. 

He's right, of course, that anyone who interprets this photo as representative of the current state of race relations in America, particularly between minority communities and the authorities who are supposed to be - and who are largely dedicated to - making their neighborhoods safer, is choosing to embrace naivete, to don rose-colored glasses and sing Kumbaya 'round the campfire rather than take a hard look at the daunting work that remains to be done to address a huge set of complicated issues which the events of Ferguson (and Staten Island, and elsewhere in the U.S.) are calling into sharper focus. Or, as Jones puts it,

Liking this picture as a definitive image of America’s race crisis is the equivalent of locking yourself in and turning up the volume to weep at Frozen while the streets are burning outside. 

I was hoping that the majority of likes for this picture, which Jones decries as inherently untruthful, are for a deeper truth that we realize and he overlooks. But I've since seen this going around with text that underlines his concern, that seems to paint a prettier picture of the status of race in America. This divide is clearest to me as I continue to talk with my friends, most of whom are white and middle-class, who universally don't get what all the fuss is about. It is, therefore, important for commentators like Jones to continue to draw this picture for us.

But I suspect that, for many of us, our appreciation for this photo is not rooted in any assumption that it indicates the status of relations between minorities and authorities. Rather, we recognize that it offers an important part of the real and lasting answer to this problem. All of the systemic changes in the world are not going resolve this if they are not accompanied by real, person-to-person contact. That's the hopeful thing we like in this picture, not that "See, everything's okay!" but "Yes, this is part of what it is going to take."

And yet we still very much need to address systematic issues of inequality. It remains critically important to examine the many ways societal history has put minorities on a disadvantaged playing field and determine how to address them. It is important that we not repeat this history among the Hispanic population. We must understand that we can't have a just society when a whole segment of it has a well-rooted fear of the people who are supposed to be keeping them safe. Anyone who thinks that picture of one cop hugging one tear-filled boy changes that is indeed myopic.

And this afternoon in the news is another non-indictment that will make matters worse again. Just as I point out the truth that Mr. Jones claims this photo lacks, so too I must acknowledge the truth that he proclaims. Things are likely to get worse before they get better, and they aren't going to get better at all without everyone involved taking a hard look at their own part of the problem instead of blaming the other guy.

The encounter in this photo is still a good and, yes, a true thing.

If there are some who would use it to tell a false narrative, that has been the case even for the very Incarnation of Truth.

Reforming (phase 1), Existential Experience of the History of Salvation (step 4), session 6

And when he drew near and saw the city he wept over it. saying, "Would that even today you knew the things that make for peace! But now they are hid from your eyes." - Lk 19, 41-42

I still don't know if I'm doing this step right. But I find that consideration of my personal sin as a component of the sin of the whole world is a useful thing for me, in multiple ways.

• It makes me less surprised at things that have many of those around me shocked. "How could they" - whomever the "they" of the current story is - "do such an awful thing?"  Well, how can I be surprised that the accumulated effect of sin in the world has led us to such extremes? In fact, I've been wondering in recent days: how much of a spiritually binding effect does the widespread tolerance of sinful behavior have on our world?
• It makes me less judgmental of others. Of course, I had an element of this good trend in my life already simply because . . . but to see all of our sin as connected helps me to live that not-supposed-to-be-a-cliché more effectively: hate the sin, but love the sinner. How can I not feel compassion for the sinner if the whole world's sinfulness is interrelated?

Okay, that's a lot of rhetorical questions for a short reflection. But I find that this reading fits right in with my heartache over the brokenness I see in my own family.

Reforming (phase 1), Existential Experience of the History of Salvation (step 4), session 1

First of all, this step is a mouthful.

Secondly, it and the next step are a review of areas which I have given much attention. But I trust in God to use them to bring me the growth that he desires for me.

Sin is not just a dialectical opposite of grace; it is not a trick of God’s love that He uses to show us our poverty and creaturehood so He can then show us how merciful He is. Sin in itself does not demand grace! And therefore, Christian existence is not a dialectical unity of sin and grace; rather, it is a road of decision from darkness to light, according to which the situation of each of us must be judged - Karl Rahner, Spiritual Exercises, as quoted by Step-by-Step Retreats in Step 4:  Existential Experience of the History of Salvation 

I suppose there has been a bit of a movement to view sin itself as either a means or an inseparable obverse of grace. In this view, ultimately my individual sin and our collective sinfulness are both God's fault. St. Ignatius clearly does not hold to this view any more than I do. This step will focus on the general fallen state of humankind; the next will hone in on my individual sin.

It seems to me that both of these steps will have to constantly present salvific grace as the answer to sin.

For if God did not spare the angels when they sinned, but cast them into hell and committed them to pits of nether gloom to be kept until the judgment; if he did not spare the ancient world, but preserved Noah, a herald of righteousness, with seven other persons, when he brought a flood upon the world of the ungodly; if by turning the cities of Sodom and Gomor'rah to ashes he condemned them to extinction and made them an example to those who were to be ungodly; and if he rescued righteous Lot, greatly distressed by the licentiousness of the wicked (for by what that righteous man saw and heard as he lived among them, he was vexed in his righteous soul day after day with their lawless deeds), then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trial, and to keep the unrighteous under punishment until the day of judgment, and especially those who indulge in the lust of defiling passion and despise authority.  - 2 Pet 2, 4-10

We can choose sin or we can choose grace. We cannot choose both. God's great desire is for our good, but he will not force that choice on us. But just because, by grace, I have repented of one sin or a series of them more destructive than those which I may still indulge, I must not conclude that the sin that remains is of no concern.

Reforming (phase 1), Our Human Vocation (step 2), session 4

In him, according to the purpose of him who accomplishes all things according to the counsel of his will, we who first hoped in Christ have been destined and appointed to live for the praise of his glory. In him you also, who have heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and have believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, which is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory. - Eph 1: 11-14

To the praise of his glory.

That really is what the whole thing is about.

I keep coming back to this idea that the cross and the resurrection cannot be separated in our lives. We respect no successful person who has simply lucked into their position. We only deem those who have suffered to get there to be worthy of our esteem. That isn't to say, if God is in any way glorified in my life, even through my suffering, that I get any credit or glory for myself. But I need to stop treating each challenge along the way as some sort of great impediment to the life I want - one that glorifies God - rather than as the only possible means to it.

"I'll keep putting my faith in my rationalism, thank you."

Our response when the inexplicable - a word which I've intentionally chosen over the one I believe to be more applicable in this week's events - occurs can include a broad range of thoughts and feelings. Oddly enough, Christians and nonbelievers may share many of them.

This week, good friends whom we've known since at least 1988 received a bona fide miracle. Their youngest daughter was born with a hearing impairment that took a couple years to diagnose. She has used hearing aids in the six years since to engage in conversational speech, and has been seeing a speech therapist to help her learn to speak normally.

About a year ago, this wonderful young girl had a conversion experience, accepting Jesus as her Savior. That night she reported to her parents that God had told her he was going to heal her and use that to bring many people to know him.

Last weekend the first part of that prophecy was fulfilled. At a sort of workshop/service on healing prayer, her hearing was fully restored. When she went down front for the boisterous youth praise and worship, she asked her mom to please hold her hearing aids, as she often did before entering this loud environment.  She never took them back from her afterward, and at the end of the service, she told her dad she could hear.

What is your reaction to a story like this?

Mine is usually to search for the rational explanation. The most probable causes of most phenomena are rational ones, after all. Even when we pray for someone undergoing medical treatment, don't we end up attributing the credit or the blame to the medical process rather than to God?  But what might the rational explanations be, exactly, in this case? Dishonesty about the child's condition before or after the service? Did she just "grow out" of some childhood condition, even though they had never been told that this was possible? Could her own mind have healed her by some unknown means?

None of these seem to apply in this case, and some of them require a more irrational faith than the one that atheists reject outright. "I have no idea what it could have been; I'm only certain that it couldn't have been 'God'!" I've spent time with this dear child, as recently as this past summer, and listened as her parents fretted about the expense of continuing to provide her with the aids that improved her hearing well enough to allow her to function in society.  This couple is amazed and overjoyed at what has happened to their precious daughter. Still, my rational approach insists on defaulting to the likelihood of some scientific explanation that we just haven't discovered yet, and I find I must come against that natural tendency if I am to simply rejoice in this wondrous blessing that these beloved friends have received.

Besides this skepticism, what other responses do I sometimes see in myself or others?

Sometimes I can feel resentful over not receiving such a gift for a loved one or for myself, even as I know in my heart that my faith has never been as great as this young girl's is.

Sometimes I feel frustrated with myself for not having such a simple, trusting faith.

I've heard others express indignation that a supposed God would pour forth this sort miracle when there are so many great(er) and (more) desperate needs to be addressed throughout the world. What about people who experience great calamities, or who are stricken with terminal illnesses or debilitating conditions? And why can't a God who can miraculously restore a child's hearing do some sort of wonder that would convince us to stop hating and killing each other?

In short, there are a lot of responses other than the one that I need to have: humble awe at God's abundant love, and a desire for a faith that would allow it to flow unhindered in my life, too.

Listening ("week" 1, step 1), session 5

What is man that thou art mindful of him, and the son of man that thou dost care for him? Yet thou hast made him little less than God, and dost crown him with glory and honor. - Ps 8, 4-5

I may remain but a speck of cosmic dust in the vast universe, but the Creator of the universe and of every speck within it deigns to speak to me, to crown me with glory and honor, most of all by becoming a speck like me so that I might become a part of Him. I am nothing, and my physical existence will soon pass away to nothingness, but that doesn't mean that I don't matter. I matter so much that the Creator would not have me simply vanish. How much, then, does this compel me to listen to the only One who has the words of eternal life? To whom else should I go?

People think that humility means debasing ourselves, when in truth it means knowing ourselves in the proper context. I am nothing, really, but I am precious and loved and made something by God himself.

Listen to the love song God sings. Sway to its rhythm. Take up a small thread of its complex, variegated polyphony. Dance within it as it snatches us up in its joyful love and crowns us in glory and honor.

Prevention plan

So it seems that a key part of my plan for emotional health is seeing the kind of effects that the choices I could make - that I sometimes still want to make - have when others do make them. (RW)

I read a poignant blog post yesterday that a good friend pointed me to. The things I read that impress me most are always those that spur my own thoughts along the lines of further reflection, and that was true of this person's post. Please: I hope no one misconstrues my own reflection as somehow being being critical of what they've written from their heart; I'm just responding from my own thoughts, struggles and feelings, inspired by the author's sharing.

"The opposite of love is freedom." What a paradox, because there can be no love without freedom. This is why God has blessed us with free will, I suppose, even knowing that would mean that we would use it in hurtful and destructive ways, seeing all the choices that we would make with it and knowing that, somehow, there is no way for us to have the freedom to make harmful choices without the actuality that we sometimes will. There is no freedom to love without also the freedom to not love. Yet it is also true that we cannot choose to love without also sacrificing or subordinating our freedom, or rather, freely choosing to apply it in ways that we would never choose except for love. For instance, all-powerful God himself restricts his own power and freedom for the sake of loving us and bestowing upon us the gift of our freedom, without which we could never love God in return, which is the greatest thing we might ever aspire to do.  All other good that we hope for is rooted in our willingness to likewise sacrifice the freedom that God has bestowed on us so that we might know the glory of loving others and loving God in return.

The truth is that sometimes I'd rather be free to do as I want, and what I want is not to love as God has called me - er, as God has first loved me. For me, the biggest thing that I long to be free of is the pain of my past failures to love. This is a silly circle of reasoning, of course, because there could be no greater failure to love than to simply choose not to be anymore, and that is the only way to be completely free from that particular heartache.

As I started typing this post, my desktop slideshow served me up this picture from our 2013 visit with our daughter's family. The botanical garden at Waimea Falls delivered a smorgasbord (hmm, I just noticed an anagram of the first seven letters of that word; can't believe I've never seen that before - sorry) of floral beauty, each bloom a testimony to the intricate wonder of creation. We've seen countless large-scale majesties, as well, all of which serve as testimony to our God who didn't need any of this, was entirely sufficient all by God's trinitarian self, and expressed all of this and each of us into existence simply because God is love and love gives love's-self. And we have encountered the poignant touch of love in wondrous and heartrending ways. I keep thinking that I want to be more like God, but at such times I usually perceive that to mean being more in control of how I think the world ought to run. God's way of being God is more like my way of being me ought to be: to grant the world and those around me the freedom to choose to love, and to keep loving them whatever their choices may actually be.

So it's true that the opposite of love is freedom, and yet it is also true that the fulfillment of love is freedom expressed in a completely different way from how we usually think of freedom and of love.

Some days . . .

. . . I really find myself struggling to remember the true nature of grace.

When I was growing up, our society still mostly did a good job of presenting the world - or, at least, America - as a meritocracy, and of teaching us that, in such a world, we'd each get what we deserved. And our conception of God as Final and Chief Arbiter of Eternal Merit^TM fit hand-in-glove with that. In some ways our society co-opted the Gospel for many of us, turning it into something far less than God's plan for our salvation.

But grace is precisely getting what we don't deserve.

Sometimes, though, I still wish I could merit the respect which I am only given because people don't know the degree to which I don't deserve it.