I'm reading about my teammates who completed the IMOH race yesterday in Delaware, OH, and I am so happy for each of them. What an accomplishment.
But also: my medical limitations hurt this morning. Must remember what I am about.
Monday, July 31, 2017
Today's word
inhere /in-HEER/ - to be inherent : to be a fixed element or attribute
This could be a useful verb to have in the vocabulary.
Almost two weeks off
Had a nice bike ride yesterday afternoon. First workout of any kind since Maryland, so 12 days off. Feels like it, too. Might have finished stronger if I'd been able to nourish, but that Clif Bar was almost three months past expiration and inedible. But I slept without any cramps last night, which was a pleasant surprise. I need to get a run and a swim in soon.
Friday, July 28, 2017
Nobody
And I mean nobody, wants to know what has been on my mind of late.
Going to need to practice some thought-stopping techniques.
Going to need to practice some thought-stopping techniques.
Why I'm cock obsessed, part 3
My stepfather, about whom I am not going to write anymore right now. I've previously written at length here and here (both in the context of receiving Unbound ministry, but I've not peeled back the layers from Part 1 and Part 2 of this in that prayer approach as of yet), and originally here, though if you want to think well of me you might not want to read that last one or follow all of its links.
Thursday, July 27, 2017
Why I'm cock obsessed, part 2
Experiments the summer he died
I won't say with whom. I was fourteen when we played strip poker in the dark, when we were supposed to be sleeping. When we were naked, we couldn't help but notice that our penises got hard. We proceeded to rub our erect cocks together until one of us had "wet," and we were never sure which of us had. Their older sister accused us of "getting queer with each other," and we didn't know what that meant, either. This repeated each night until the call came, and Mom told us that Dad had fallen grievously ill and might not make it. I knew that my desperate prayers for him, cast repeatedly against the impossibly starry Kansas sky, would be futile. God only answers the prayers of the righteous, I knew by then, almost as well as I knew I'd sinned greatly, without understanding its nature. I didn't know, wouldn't be told until we'd traveled back home, that he was already dead. I wouldn't know for another year that his death was self inflicted, or that he wasn't my biological father. My guilt was not assuaged by any of these pieces of knowledge. Whatever other details were involved, I knew he'd died because of my sin.
I won't say with whom. I was fourteen when we played strip poker in the dark, when we were supposed to be sleeping. When we were naked, we couldn't help but notice that our penises got hard. We proceeded to rub our erect cocks together until one of us had "wet," and we were never sure which of us had. Their older sister accused us of "getting queer with each other," and we didn't know what that meant, either. This repeated each night until the call came, and Mom told us that Dad had fallen grievously ill and might not make it. I knew that my desperate prayers for him, cast repeatedly against the impossibly starry Kansas sky, would be futile. God only answers the prayers of the righteous, I knew by then, almost as well as I knew I'd sinned greatly, without understanding its nature. I didn't know, wouldn't be told until we'd traveled back home, that he was already dead. I wouldn't know for another year that his death was self inflicted, or that he wasn't my biological father. My guilt was not assuaged by any of these pieces of knowledge. Whatever other details were involved, I knew he'd died because of my sin.
Why I'm cock obsessed, part 1
Dad teaching me the meaning of what I'd said to my sister.
I was probably 11 or 12 years old, my sister either 6 or 7, and we were playing in our hedged back yard with a newer neighbor. He was between our ages, though probably closer to mine. I'd been fairly sheltered, and had no idea what he meant when he asked her if she would blow him, and I'm absolutely certain that she didn't, either. I think he took his juvenile penis out, and I think she momentarily put it in her mouth when he told her to. (I'm so very sorry, dear one; I was too naive to know to protect you. Please forgive me.) The next day, in her room, I repeated what I'd heard him request. I knew it was wrong, even with my limited understanding of why. (Despite my ignorance, I now understand that this was sexual abuse.) I am so grateful that she declined. Mom was walking by, though, and was too appalled to discipline me herself. I was to wait for Dad to deal with it. Meanwhile I was (understandably) grounded.
Saturday morning came, and Mom broke with custom by taking my sister grocery shopping with her. Dad called me into the den, where he ascertained that I didn't understand what I'd requested of my sister earlier in the week. He then proceeded to begin to correct this gap in my knowledge, by taking out his penis and instructing me to put it in my mouth. It wasn't the first time I'd seen it, of course; there had been numerous benign visits to the trough bathrooms at Memorial Stadium, where I noticed how much larger his member was than mine. He wasn't erect on this day, either. I knew I was in too much trouble to dare to question. I did as I was told. The bitter taste of urine remains seared in my memory. I very soon removed my mouth from his penis, and when he told me to put it back in my mouth I said I didn't want to, that I didn't like it. "Then don't ask your sister to do it," he concluded, finally putting his dick away. And as I left the room, "Your mother doesn't need to know about this."
It would be twenty five years before I told her.
This is still the only time I've ever had a penis in my mouth. I've never had a hard cock in it. That first time was such a traumatic experience? Why do I so long to suck one now?
I was probably 11 or 12 years old, my sister either 6 or 7, and we were playing in our hedged back yard with a newer neighbor. He was between our ages, though probably closer to mine. I'd been fairly sheltered, and had no idea what he meant when he asked her if she would blow him, and I'm absolutely certain that she didn't, either. I think he took his juvenile penis out, and I think she momentarily put it in her mouth when he told her to. (I'm so very sorry, dear one; I was too naive to know to protect you. Please forgive me.) The next day, in her room, I repeated what I'd heard him request. I knew it was wrong, even with my limited understanding of why. (Despite my ignorance, I now understand that this was sexual abuse.) I am so grateful that she declined. Mom was walking by, though, and was too appalled to discipline me herself. I was to wait for Dad to deal with it. Meanwhile I was (understandably) grounded.
Saturday morning came, and Mom broke with custom by taking my sister grocery shopping with her. Dad called me into the den, where he ascertained that I didn't understand what I'd requested of my sister earlier in the week. He then proceeded to begin to correct this gap in my knowledge, by taking out his penis and instructing me to put it in my mouth. It wasn't the first time I'd seen it, of course; there had been numerous benign visits to the trough bathrooms at Memorial Stadium, where I noticed how much larger his member was than mine. He wasn't erect on this day, either. I knew I was in too much trouble to dare to question. I did as I was told. The bitter taste of urine remains seared in my memory. I very soon removed my mouth from his penis, and when he told me to put it back in my mouth I said I didn't want to, that I didn't like it. "Then don't ask your sister to do it," he concluded, finally putting his dick away. And as I left the room, "Your mother doesn't need to know about this."
It would be twenty five years before I told her.
This is still the only time I've ever had a penis in my mouth. I've never had a hard cock in it. That first time was such a traumatic experience? Why do I so long to suck one now?
Wednesday, July 26, 2017
A parable extended
But the kingdom of the evil one looks like a treasure that a person finds in a field, and then goes out and sells off his true treasure in order to buy the field. When he has purchased the field, he guards it jealously and lives in continual fear of losing its contents. He visits it only in darkness, when no one might see what he is up to, which prevents him from either seeing the worthlessness of what he has purchased or understanding what he has given up to own it. And it gradually consumes his life and steals all of his joy.
Who do I *want* to be, really?
Part of me still wants to be my fathers' son in some ways rather than my Father's. I know, though, that the former is the path of destruction, and the latter the path of life.
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
Who am I, really?
Am I my Father's son, or my fathers'?
I awoke this morning convinced of the latter, and seemingly determined to prove it. But I didn't, and now I'm beginning to hope that I might be the former.
I awoke this morning convinced of the latter, and seemingly determined to prove it. But I didn't, and now I'm beginning to hope that I might be the former.
Monday, July 24, 2017
Pray for us . . .
I know that the Mass of Christian Burial is a celebration of her life, but my heart is still heavy over having to say goodbye to our dear friend and sister Judy, and for her husband Thurman and their sons.
Sunday, July 23, 2017
That illuminating moment when you finally realize . . .
. . . that you aren't all that, either; that the very fact that you so rarely encounter people to whom you're attracted means that the probability that people are attracted to you is extremely low . . .
I've long been aware of my ugly tendency to form some sort of evaluation of nearly everyone - both men and women - in terms of attractiveness, even though I've no interest in being unfaithful to my bride even with someone extremely beautiful, both physically and as a person. But I have never really made the leap between realizing that I find so few people alluring and the conclusion that the probability that people find me so is very, very small. And I hope, for others' sake, that it's even smaller than I think. That is, in the first place, I hope that the number of people who similarly view or judge others this way is a small percentage of the population, though I am skeptical of it. Still, it is a sad way to be, and I don't wish it on others. Then, I also realize that very few of those who do make such evaluations are likely to find me at all attractive.
I've long been aware of my ugly tendency to form some sort of evaluation of nearly everyone - both men and women - in terms of attractiveness, even though I've no interest in being unfaithful to my bride even with someone extremely beautiful, both physically and as a person. But I have never really made the leap between realizing that I find so few people alluring and the conclusion that the probability that people find me so is very, very small. And I hope, for others' sake, that it's even smaller than I think. That is, in the first place, I hope that the number of people who similarly view or judge others this way is a small percentage of the population, though I am skeptical of it. Still, it is a sad way to be, and I don't wish it on others. Then, I also realize that very few of those who do make such evaluations are likely to find me at all attractive.
Saturday, July 22, 2017
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Today's word
Barmecidal /ˌbär-mə-ˈsī-dəl/ - providing only the illusion of abundance: a Barmecidal feast
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
The Family/Tribal Meal
Scott Hahn's The Lamb's Supper transitions, near the end, to observations about the familial nature of the Eucharistic gathering. Scott points out that we should aspire to spend eternity with every person who is gathered with us at Mass.
He acknowledges that this is problematic for many of us. I have speculated, as well, that this may be a great obstacle to our ability to enter the kingdom. This is why I remain convinced that we must know our own unworthiness of the place at the table which Christ has bestowed on us by His grace, so that we have the right attitude of humility concerning our brothers and sisters.
He acknowledges that this is problematic for many of us. I have speculated, as well, that this may be a great obstacle to our ability to enter the kingdom. This is why I remain convinced that we must know our own unworthiness of the place at the table which Christ has bestowed on us by His grace, so that we have the right attitude of humility concerning our brothers and sisters.
Monday, July 17, 2017
Since there's a bit of a break in the action . . .
The Mass makes present, in time, what the Son has been doing from all eternity: loving the Father as the Father loves the Son, giving back the gift He received from the Father. That gift is the life we're meant to share; but before we can, we must undergo a significant change. As we are now, we are incapable of giving so much or receiving so much; the infinite fire of divine love would consume us. Yet, we cannot change on our own. That's why God gives us His own life in the sacraments. - Scott Hahn, The Lamb's Supper
Finally finishing this wonderful book. I find myself thinking about the many blessings of love which I have received, and how they are the merest glimpse into the love God has for each one of us. I think of how He pours forth His love continuously, even as we turn from him and reject him, and I think of the privilege it is to love others like this, which we so often think of as an unfair burden which we are unwilling to accept.
Finally finishing this wonderful book. I find myself thinking about the many blessings of love which I have received, and how they are the merest glimpse into the love God has for each one of us. I think of how He pours forth His love continuously, even as we turn from him and reject him, and I think of the privilege it is to love others like this, which we so often think of as an unfair burden which we are unwilling to accept.
What a wonderful weekend
We've had a really nice weekend hanging out with friends and family. Wednesday afternoon we stopped at Bolling to visit our friend who recently moved here, and her dog, who stayed with us a couple times in Dayton and who probably isn't going to be with us much longer. It was a nice reunion with both of them. Then, our first meal in town sparked a warm memory of my mom, as the restaurant we visited (O'Loughlin's) had a softshell crab sandwich on the menu. Had to have it.
Thursday I cooked for the four of us on the grill, some marinated chicken that was in the freezer here and some carrots, broccoli, and the zucchini we'd picked from the garden just before we left. Just a quiet evening in.
Took a bike ride down close to Annapolis on Friday morning, then panicked about where I was parked being "for MTA patrons only" so cut my planned ride short. Friday evening we were reunited with friends from Dayton whom we hadn't seen since they left 23 years ago. It was so nice to catch up with one another. Our young friend from Dayton joined us, too, so we were able to help them connect a little more. Old friends and new. What a nice combination.
Saturday we had breakfast with my high school best friend, then I headed back to DC to connect with another friend from high school. I then picked up our young friend and headed north through the annoying DC traffic (yes, even on a Saturday) for my first game at Camden Yard in about three years. What an awful game, but I still love to go there. It was our younger friend's first time in the ballpark, and she seemed to really enjoy herself. It nearly never fails that other family is also there when we are, so we were able to visit with them, too. Oh, and the huge, blood-red, half moonrise that I saw on the drive from DC to Arnold late at night was amazing.
Yesterday was our get together with my family - my aunt and cousins, the closest remaining relatives I have from growing up - in Belair. It was great to see and spend time with them, though I wish a couple more of my cousins had come. Good food, good games, good company. On the way back, we stopped so that my wife could visit an older couple for whom she has always had a great fondness, her brother's former in-laws, who were thrilled to get a visit from her.
The only real down side of the trip has been dealing with the hydration issues leading to foot cramps throughout the night. Fortunately, last night was free of such disturbances.
Two more sleeps before we head back to Dayton. At least we'll have my aunt with us for a visit, so that will let us extend this wonderful family time.
Thursday I cooked for the four of us on the grill, some marinated chicken that was in the freezer here and some carrots, broccoli, and the zucchini we'd picked from the garden just before we left. Just a quiet evening in.
Took a bike ride down close to Annapolis on Friday morning, then panicked about where I was parked being "for MTA patrons only" so cut my planned ride short. Friday evening we were reunited with friends from Dayton whom we hadn't seen since they left 23 years ago. It was so nice to catch up with one another. Our young friend from Dayton joined us, too, so we were able to help them connect a little more. Old friends and new. What a nice combination.
Saturday we had breakfast with my high school best friend, then I headed back to DC to connect with another friend from high school. I then picked up our young friend and headed north through the annoying DC traffic (yes, even on a Saturday) for my first game at Camden Yard in about three years. What an awful game, but I still love to go there. It was our younger friend's first time in the ballpark, and she seemed to really enjoy herself. It nearly never fails that other family is also there when we are, so we were able to visit with them, too. Oh, and the huge, blood-red, half moonrise that I saw on the drive from DC to Arnold late at night was amazing.
Yesterday was our get together with my family - my aunt and cousins, the closest remaining relatives I have from growing up - in Belair. It was great to see and spend time with them, though I wish a couple more of my cousins had come. Good food, good games, good company. On the way back, we stopped so that my wife could visit an older couple for whom she has always had a great fondness, her brother's former in-laws, who were thrilled to get a visit from her.
The only real down side of the trip has been dealing with the hydration issues leading to foot cramps throughout the night. Fortunately, last night was free of such disturbances.
Two more sleeps before we head back to Dayton. At least we'll have my aunt with us for a visit, so that will let us extend this wonderful family time.
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Home
I've heard it described in various ways. It's the place where you feel like you're from. It's the place where, when you go there, they have to let you in. It's where the heart is. It's where you're with family. I think one of my favorites is that it's where you feel like you belong.
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Looking forward to a week home
Family time. Haven't had more than a weekend in MD since summer of '14. This will be nice!
Monday, July 10, 2017
A low moment
I felt much better finishing the race yesterday than I did viewing the results in the e-mail this morning. I need to hold onto that.
Pride of accomplishment has pretty much washed away
Yesterday's results
Transitions were awful. That first one, I couldn't get the wetsuit off of my legs - not enough Body Glide, I guess - and felt like I was going to pass out. The ride was slow. When I got the bike home I noticed by front brake was rubbing. Was it like that the whole damned time? I knew the run was slow. Was just trying to persevere at that point.
None of that matters anyway. The doctor is probably not going to let me do any more.
Transitions were awful. That first one, I couldn't get the wetsuit off of my legs - not enough Body Glide, I guess - and felt like I was going to pass out. The ride was slow. When I got the bike home I noticed by front brake was rubbing. Was it like that the whole damned time? I knew the run was slow. Was just trying to persevere at that point.
None of that matters anyway. The doctor is probably not going to let me do any more.
Saturday, July 08, 2017
A 27 year wait (well, sort of) finally ends tomorrow
I became interested in triathlon during my remote tour. A good friend and her husband were triathletes, and I thought it sounded interesting. But several factors kept me from ever pursuing it. At the time I wasn't a cyclist - didn't even own a bike - and by the time I took up cycling after I'd turned 40 I'd really lost track of my interest in triathlon. It was a conscious decision, really: it didn't seem right to pursue it when my primary motivation was from a relationship that I'd gotten so badly out of balance - really, the last of several over a decade - that I didn't even try to have another opposite gender close friendship for nearly twenty years. I'm so grateful to be free from that broken dynamic, and to have several friendships that testify to this.
So now Team RWB has renewed my interest. There are a fair number of triathletes in the group, and I started itching to do one while lap swimming this winter. It was almost too late. My kidney function has reduced far enough that my doctor was very cautious before finally giving me his blessing for this race.
This time tomorrow I will have fulfilled this goal. There may not be many more, if any, but at least there will be this one thing I have set my mind to and accomplished.
So now Team RWB has renewed my interest. There are a fair number of triathletes in the group, and I started itching to do one while lap swimming this winter. It was almost too late. My kidney function has reduced far enough that my doctor was very cautious before finally giving me his blessing for this race.
This time tomorrow I will have fulfilled this goal. There may not be many more, if any, but at least there will be this one thing I have set my mind to and accomplished.
Friday, July 07, 2017
I know a very special girl . . .
. . . a very highly intelligent, creative, caring girl, who is going to bear very deep wounds of rejection and emptiness, and a terrible burden of unforgiveness in her life, if we can't find a way to help her deal with the rejection she is receiving from her "dad."
She deserves so much better than this. When I heard the latest, my eyes and heart filled with tears for her. I have known for myself, and seen in others I love, the damage that this causes in a child's life. God can, of course, heal it, for all things are possible with God. But even that takes a willingness to be open and vulnerable that is nearly impossible on our own when we have known such pain.
My precious granddaughter, I love you so very much. It is a great privilege to be your grandpa. I hope that you will let me help you through this so that it will not haunt you through decades of your life.
A morning gift
Even when her gentle snoring keeps me from that last hour's sleep in the morning, I love waking next to my bride, feeling the secure warmth of our lifelong love in her presence next to me.
Thank you, God.
Thank you, God.
Thursday, July 06, 2017
A quotation . . .
. . . from today's WOTD:
"I am a poltroon on certain points; I feel it. There is a base alloy of moral cowardice in my composition." — Charlotte Brontë, Shirley, 1849
"I am a poltroon on certain points; I feel it. There is a base alloy of moral cowardice in my composition." — Charlotte Brontë, Shirley, 1849
I've no idea of the context for this quotation. I'd never even heard of this novel, let alone read a plot synopsis. But I certainly have no illusions regarding my own moral standing.
Today's words
Caught up on a puzzle from probably Tuesday, which brought me these:
curlew /ˈkər-(ˌ)lü, ˈkərl-(ˌ)yü/ - any of various largely brownish chiefly migratory birds (especially genus Numenius) having long legs and a long slender down-curved bill and related to the sandpipers and snipes
hurling /ˈhər-liŋ/ - an Irish game resembling field hockey played between two teams of 15 players each
curlew /ˈkər-(ˌ)lü, ˈkərl-(ˌ)yü/ - any of various largely brownish chiefly migratory birds (especially genus Numenius) having long legs and a long slender down-curved bill and related to the sandpipers and snipes
Snipe hunt, anyone?dhow /ˈdau̇/ - an Arab lateen-rigged boat usually having a long overhang forward, a high poop, and a low waist
There appears to be a joke or three in there trying to get out, not to mention a really old memory . . .glyptic /ˈglip-tik/ - the art or process of carving or engraving especially on gems
Not to be cryptic while I stare at the triptych . . .rick /rik/ - 1. a stack (as of hay) in the open air 2. a pile of material (such as cordwood) split from short logs
I've seen plenty of these, of both definitions - even helped make the latter - but never had this word for them.I think this is the first time one of these puzzles has brought me four new words. This puzzle also had another word with which I was mildly familiar:
hurling /ˈhər-liŋ/ - an Irish game resembling field hockey played between two teams of 15 players each
I was a little familiar with this word from its similarity with lacrosse (in addition to field hockey). That's completely different from sort of hurling that I'd associate with a high poop.
Wednesday, July 05, 2017
Tuesday, July 04, 2017
Last year I knew one person
This year I knew a couple dozen.
That was nice.
But it didn't begin to make up for the absence of the one.
That wouldn't have been so bad if the cutoff hadn't been so abrupt and unexplained.
That was nice.
But it didn't begin to make up for the absence of the one.
That wouldn't have been so bad if the cutoff hadn't been so abrupt and unexplained.
Self-confirming conclusions
There are decisions we reach about people in our minds that, once formed, become the lens through which we see them. There will always be evidence to support these conclusions, so our opinion of them finds never-ending validation.
A minority MLB umpire is saying that an MLB executive decided, decades ago when they were in adversarial roles in an in-game situation, that the ump was seeking to draw attention to himself. Many years later, this observation has been part of the umpire's annual evaluation by the executive. If you believe something like this about a person, they will probably never be able to convince you that you're mistaken.
But the individual being judged can also have a blind spot about whether there is any truth in the accusation, and needs to have an honest motivation to do what they can about it, even knowing that there is likely no way they'll ever be able to convince the person judging them of what they have learned and changed about themselves.
A minority MLB umpire is saying that an MLB executive decided, decades ago when they were in adversarial roles in an in-game situation, that the ump was seeking to draw attention to himself. Many years later, this observation has been part of the umpire's annual evaluation by the executive. If you believe something like this about a person, they will probably never be able to convince you that you're mistaken.
But the individual being judged can also have a blind spot about whether there is any truth in the accusation, and needs to have an honest motivation to do what they can about it, even knowing that there is likely no way they'll ever be able to convince the person judging them of what they have learned and changed about themselves.
Monday, July 03, 2017
Today's words
Thank you, God
For Saturday, when we laid to rest a dear brother and then I was able to minister in music again with an old friend.
For a restful Sunday.
But mostly, this morning, for one true friend who cares what's on my mind.
For a restful Sunday.
But mostly, this morning, for one true friend who cares what's on my mind.
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