Exulting!

I'm sorry he got sick. But I'm really glad I got to sing the Exsultet!

I love the Easter vigil. Somehow we used to finish it under three hours with all eight possible readings. For some reason we now barely manage that with only the minimum five. I miss the ones we don't get to hear anymore, especially the Genesis reading with Jacob and Isaac, on which Michael Card's song God Will Provide the Lamb was based.

A funny conclusion from a child

The young man who used to be our assistant music director before he moved away has come back, with his wife and young children, and was in the church to rehearse while I was setting up the music area for this evening's vigil. "I've got to tell you this," he began.

He then related how they'd been preparing to come to the Holy Thursday service, which was an unusual day and for their three-year-old son to be coming to church. So he asked if they were going to the white room, which his dad concluded referred to our music room. But before realizing this his dad asked, "The white room?"

"Yeah," his son replied, "Where Mr. Tom lives."

Well, around Easter that's almost true, I guess.

Opposite problems

You want us all to leave you alone.

I wish just one other person would remember and be with me.

Blessings

First, no one directly asked me about my childhood at the end of the meeting.

Second, someone found the car key I dropped this morning before I realized it was missing.

Biggest: I am deeply loved.
because all of this is better to think about than wanting to die.

why do i so often feel so hopeless?

Measuring progress - days become weeks

21, so 3.

I don't expect I'll post about this on a weekly basis, at least not for long. But for now, it's good to keep reminding myself how God continues to provide grace. I'm still weak, but am trying to trust Him each day. 

If there's a next time I post about this, I'll have to drop the label "Lent" . . . 

Today's words

From the Dictionary Devil puzzle:

amphimixis /ˌam(p)-fi-ˈmik-səs/ - the union of gametes in sexual reproduction

Because in scientific usage, fertilization won't do? Perhaps this is a more general term?

novation /nō-ˈvā-shən/ - the substitution of a new legal obligation for an old one

This could be a useful word. This happens all the time. I've quit managing my credit by this approach.

pasquinade /ˌpa-skwə-ˈnād/ - 1. a lampoon posted in a public place 2. satirical writing : satire

I believe I've recently encountered this word in its second sense, and perhaps have run into it in the first sense before, as used in the puzzle, as well. 

wainscot /ˈwān-skət , -ˌskōt , -ˌskät/ - 1. British : a fine grade of oak imported for woodwork
2a. (1) : a usually paneled wooden lining of an interior wall (2) : a lining of an interior wall irrespective of material  b. the lower three or four feet (about one meter) of an interior wall when finished differently from the remainder of the wall

I was also familiar with this word, but only in its 2b definition, but not in the 2a(1) definition used in the puzzle.

Passionate Grace

In our reading of the Passion today, I found a moment of connection with my darkest, most shameful moment. As it briefly washed over me, I found a response other than crushing regret. I remembered that the intervening years have brought an abundance of grace and reconciliation and resurrection out of something that definitely needed to die in me.

Seems to fit today's reflection from Dynamic Catholic.

I'm sure that video link will be cleared at some point. The theme was not rushing past Palm Sunday and Holy Week to get to Easter.

Measuring progress

16

The more important part is God revealing the next thing He wants to work on, I think.

Measuring progress

13.

Thank you God. I was pretty close. 

Today's words

Just go here. They aren't all new to me, but most are . . .

Measuring progress

Ten. But I'm beginning to feel that sense of inevitable failure. 

God, please be my strength.

longing

i know i shouldn't be

but i am

Measuring progress

Seven.

I wonder what it would be like if my quality of life depended on this number never returning to zero, if this was as important as a recovering alcoholic, drug, or gambling addict abstaining from their addiction? Would it make it easier to stay on track, or harder, if my perceived stakes were greater? Would there be more pressure, a greater longing for what I could never experience again - especially, in my case, for an alleged part of myself that I've denied? Would I depend on God more, or use the addictive dynamic to reinforce my mistaken notions of my nature to an even greater degree? 

I think that the brain mechanism of my addiction and others is probably similar. I have always judged that the consequences of mine are less, but Matthew Kelly has revealed the lie behind the common perception that this a personal thing that doesn't matter much. 

I also worry that the adversary will use this fresh awareness to set me up for a bigger fall. I don't, for instance, treat this as morally equivalent to eating more than I should - there may be similarities, but it isn't the same thing; after all, you have to eat to live - and I also no longer treat it as no big deal. I am coming to recognize that every temptation we experience is an assault on our identity and our destiny, and we must meet them in the same was that Jesus met his. I know that I am a beloved Son of the Most High who lives by His grace and draws upon His strength in my weakness, and my purpose is to glorify Him with my entire life. 

And this is one area in which I have struggled to do so for as long as it has been physiologically possible.

How I was feeling

I knew that last night was probably my only free night of the week, so I was looking forward to grocery shopping with you. Just you. I was even willing to stay up a little later to do so (though not much). Then it became this group shopping trip, and no, I wasn't interested in that. So divide and conquer seemed like a good plan, and then "Hey, meet us here after you're done there" definitely didn't. So bailed on that part, went home, put my stuff away, put away the dishes which were dry by then, and was still in bed when I wanted to be. I left the light on for you, figuring you'd come to bed when you got home. I don't know what I was thinking; I know better than this. Two hours later I turned it off.

No, you weren't in bed by midnight. I turned the light off at 12:15. You were not long after that, but I was pretty mad by then.

We just keep drifting further apart, and I don't even care anymore. You have your television, and your sewing, and your volunteering, and your way. Have a nice separate life together.

Exercising again

I hope my schedule allows for more of this. It was so nice to get on the bike yesterday, even if it was just for a half-hour. Gotta figure out what's going on with my shifter though.

Aneurysm

Good talk with the neurosurgeon today, and my fear of it being a useless visit were unfounded. I needed to hear what he told me.

I'm thankful I can keep - er, restart - exercising. Angiogram next month (six weeks. sigh) to verify the MRA results. Then decision whether to keep monitoring or to treat.

Today's words

From the Dictionary Devil puzzle:

anfractuous /an-ˈfrak-chə-wəs , -shə- ; -chü-əs , -shü-/ - full of windings and intricate turnings : tortuous

adscititious /ˌad-sə-ˈti-shəs/ - derived or acquired from something extrinsic

campanulate /ˌcam-ˈpan-yə-lət, -ˌlāt/ -  shaped like a bell campanulate flowers

Of these, I think I'd heard of the last before.

Old, tired, fat, slow, down, scared

over-committed, under exercised, and afraid my brain is going to explode and i'll be left incapable.

Did I mention down?

What a helpful post

Today's Best Lent Ever post offers me fresh insight into how virtue and character fit into the greater picture of holiness. I think the Desert Fathers and Mothers would caution us about making virtue and character the goal in and of themselves, but I think they'd confirm their importance in greater scheme of living in Christ Jesus.