40 weeks, and being dismissed

Teri: "They say she's six weeks.  That can't be.  Nic wasn't home until x."

Me: "I think they determine that from the last period, not the date of conception."

Teri: "What are you talking about?  It has to be from the date of conception."

Umm, no, it doesn't.  And it isn't.

Why don't you just say, "Oh, my way of thinking may not be adding up, but your explanation can't be right . . . "

Don't forget:

No one else can ever really fulfill you.

Litany of Humility

I first learned of this prayer about a decade ago; today EWTN had it on their Facebook page.  First, the prayer, which is a litany: the bold words are repeated at the end of each subsequent line.  This lends itself to a leader/congregation format, but can also be used for individual prayer, especially if you take your time with it:

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.


From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved . . .
From the desire of being extolled . . .
From the desire of being honored . . .
From the desire of being praised . . .
From the desire of being preferred to others . . .
From the desire of being consulted . . .
From the desire of being approved . . .
From the fear of being humiliated . . .
From the fear of being despised . . .
From the fear of suffering rebukes . . .
From the fear of being calumniated . . .
From the fear of being forgotten . . .
From the fear of being ridiculed . . .
From the fear of being wronged . . .
From the fear of being suspected . . .


That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I . . .
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease . . .
That others may be chosen and I set aside . . .
That others may be praised and I unnoticed . . .
That others may be preferred to me in everything . . .
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should . . .

Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930)
Secretary of State for Pope Saint Pius X

There are some things in here that can seem extreme and self-denigrating if you don't approach this with the proper spirit.  It isn't that being loved, extolled, honored, etc., are bad things.  But when I desire them, pursue them, focus on them instead of simply living as the child of God that I'm called to be, these desires corrupt my actions.  It isn't that I should seek to be humiliated, despised, rebuked, etc., but when I am afraid of these things I might refrain from doing what I believe in my heart to be right.  So I'm not asking, "Lord, don't let me be loved," or, "Don't let me be preferred to others," nor, "Lord, let me be wronged, let me be rebuked."  I'm praying, rather, that the concerns of being loved or preferred or wronged or rebuked - my acceptance or rejection by others - not be what drives my choices, but only my desire to please God.

So this isn't a prayer for self-denigration; approached that way, then it becomes a litany of self-deceptive pride rather than of humility: "See how humble I am!"  But when I recognize that all I am is a gift from God, and truly desire to offer myself back to God, this litany can be a good reminder of the most ubiquitous obstacles to that goal.  

I also find myself tagging this with my "emotional health" label.  It seems to me that not getting wrapped up in the wrong sort of pride - which includes some things that some people actively promote - is actually  a healthier emotional approach to life. 

Disputing

Heard Drew Holcomb's song Fire and Dynamite today on the way to lunch.  It contains the most incredible and, for me, mildly depressing compliment: "You are a novel in a sea of magazines."

And my initial response to it is another example of a thought that I need to dispute as it arises.

An extra night at home

I don't know if it's my reward or my punishment for watching so much football (all of the Ravens' win and last night's game, plus at least part of almost all of the other playoff games) over the last couple of days - though I suppose it's probably mere coincidence - but I get an extra evening at home this week, as we've cancelled prayer group tonight due to the snow.  I need to take advantage of the opportunity to spend some time in my book, and start getting back to work on therapy in earnest.  I hope Teri gets the stuffed shells done that she's planning!  And maybe I'll get the remainder of the Christmas decor boxed up and put away.

Shhh . . .

. . .  don't tell anyone . . .  but I still haven't got anything figured out yet . . . 

Communication

Sometimes we're really good at it, and I just don't like what we're saying . . .

Areas of growth for the coming year:

Personal purity
Relationship with Teri

• More complete honesty 
• Mutual trust
• More consistent, quality time together

Financial responsibility

• Set ourselves up for future success and stability
• Overcome and diminish my fear response

Understand myself better

• Recognize the beliefs I use to drive my problematic decisions
• Dispute them more effectively "in the moment"

Interestingly, the last of these would probably be the least urgent, and therefore the one I'd put at the bottom of my priorities, except for the central role it plays in all the rest.

Turn the Page

I'm grateful that the flipping of the calendar coincides with being ready to get back to life.  My father-in-law's passing left us in considerable disarray, in our Christmas preparation, our finances and, most of all, our emotions. Once we'd given ourselves time to process the latter, we found ourselves in the midst of a crush of activity surrounding the holidays and having extra family in town.  It has been wonderful to have them here, but it's also important to recognize that it adds a level of chaos that we need to deal with appropriately.

Instead, I think we basically abandoned almost all of the progress we'd made in the latter portion of the year; I know this was true for me, and I'm pretty certain Teri would agree.  There were some ways in which that was probably no big deal, or even a valuable hiatus.  But now it's time to go back to work on growing in the ways that we've identified as being important enough to us to do something about.  I'm grateful for the opportunity that the new year brings us to re-prioritize and return our attention to the things that matter most.

And there is an additional lesson to be learned, too, that seems important to me.  If I'm serious about holding onto the gains I make, I need to not get complacent about them every time life throws us a new challenge.