Prepare Ye the Way . . . but for what?

It seems that my preparation is always better than my celebration.

I don't mean that I don't know how to celebrate, and I'm not talking about my personal life. For things like family feast days, I've actually gotten pretty good at getting the groundwork laid and being able to enjoy the moment.

But when it comes to the great liturgical seasons, it seems as if my Advent and Lent are better spiritually than my Christmas and Easter seasons are. My rhythm of prayer in those seasons of preparation and repentance is more consistent and effective.

So this morning I found myself revisiting for the first time this year the words that the Church shares with us in the Office of Readings for the feast of the Holy Family, which we celebrated on Sunday. I was so caught up in the flurry of Christmas activity and unimportant things that I have neglected coming to where God wants me to spend time daily. I was concerned I'd missed something important from this wonderful feast day, and so I turned to the reading by Pope Paul VI, written in 1964, in which he discusses the lessons of Nazareth for us:

First, we learn from its silence. If only we could once again appreciate its great value. We need this wonderful state of mind, beset as we are by the cacophony of strident protests and conflicting claims so characteristic of these turbulent times. The silence of Nazareth should teach us how to meditate in peace and quiet, to reflect on the deeply spiritual, and to be open to the source of God's inner wisdom and the counsel of his true teachers. Nazareth can teach us the value of study and preparation, of meditation, of a well-ordered personal spiritual life, and of silent prayer that is known only to God.

Even as I enter into prayer before the light of the Christmas tree, my mind tends to be more enamored of such words of truth and my response to them, rather than the simple presence of God, into which they are meant to carry me. So now I turn from capturing my own thoughts, to simply soak in God's presence for a too-brief moment before moving on to my work day.

A long-awaited Advent

I have so enjoyed spending the last few evenings reflecting on the Office of Readings with my bride. We have been combining the Evening Prayer psalms with the longer reflections from the OoR, and I hope she has enjoyed it as much as I have.

Today's reading from St. Bernard is one of my favorites. I have written a little about it thrice before, and will not quote it again here. It was especially nice to be able to share my enjoyment of it with my dear wife.

This is one of the readings that I look forward to encountering year after year, each time entering into it a little deeper than the time before. Bringing someone else I love into this one with me was a special treat.

Advent lessons

During Advent and Lent, I'm always tempted to skip the saints' feast days and focus on the daily Office of Readings for the season. But this morning I caught up again with St. Jane Frances de Chantal (from Saturday) and San Juan de la Cruz (today), both of whom had words out encouragement that I was in a good place to receive this morning.

Getting behind on Advent, already . . .

. . . but not in the usual way, yet.

A funny thing happens with the season of Advent. There are some great memorial days, but when I pray the Office of Readings for those days, it usually means I don't have time to reflect on the office for the Advent weekday.

So the very first weekday this Advent was the feast of St. Andrew. There was a really nice reflection on Andrew's probable role in leading his brother, Simon Peter, to Jesus. But since then I've been opening to Monday's daily readings, for last night's reflection and now again this morning, where a thought  from Isaiah has struck me. But the time with the Lord each day is more important than the specific "accomplishment" of it, and is about far more than my own thoughts. In this moment, it occurs to me that perhaps I have oft put too much emphasis on my own reflection rather than simply being in God's presence.

The thought from Monday's Isaiah passage, briefly:

How she has turned adulteress, the faithful city, so upright! Justice used to lodge within her, but now murderers. Your silver is turned to dross. Your wine is mixed with water. - Is 1:21-22

The next couple verses contain more of the same. Many fear a similar lament over America. I am more concerned about making sure that I and those I love don't have to hear such harsh words.

Come, Lord Jesus. Fill the hearts of your faithful.

Thoughts on a pastoral letter by St. Charles Borromeo

Beloved, now is the acceptable time spoken of by the Spirit, the day of salvation, peace and reconciliation: the great season of Advent.

It feels like a time to acknowledge the ways that I grew as a disciple last year, and the ways that I did not. More importantly, it feels like an acceptable time to let the Lord turn some of the latter into the former. I don't know why I keep feeling like I'm missing out on something by denying what I've let myself think of as a part of myself. But I think it's time to trust that God provides for the things that really are needs, just as he has provided abundantly for us financially.

When I pray the fifth Sorrowful Mystery, I contemplate the Seven Last Words of Jesus on the cross, along with the last three Stations of the Cross. One of these is, This day, you will be with me in paradise. I'm reminded, too, of the words of Psalm 95: Today, hearken to the voice of the Lord. This day is the acceptable time, and while that is true of every day, it feels especially true of this wonderful season of Advent.

One day, though, we will find that all days are one this day.

When we remove all obstacles to his presence he will come, at any hour and moment, to dwell spiritually in our hearts, bringing with him the riches of his grace.

True, except. It makes it sound as if it's up to us to remove all obstacles, when the only obstacle we must - or can hope to - remove is our stubborn, selfish will. As soon as we submit that to him, humbly, even acknowledging when we can't accomplish it, but only want to, and recognizing that the wanting is a gift of the richness of his grace, too, we find him transforming our desert into an abundant garden of spiritual blessing. The more we cooperate with his grace, the more he blesses us, or rather, the more we can receive his blessings.

So this Advent season, the Church calls us to prepare for him the place that matters most.

Middle of the night reflux

I've been making a bad habit of eating late - pie, lately. On Sunday night/Monday morning I woke up with the back of my mouth full of acid reflux. It wasn't the first recent episode, but far and away the worst. So I'm not eating anything after 8 p.m. I'm afraid to drink anything, too, and I'm feeling pretty thirsty this evening.

Who judges whom

I find myself thinking of a thought from Fr. Neuhaus. I suppose I shall start with the topic that came up at men's group. One of the guys has been wondering - as we are prone to do - about how to know at the end that we have lived well enough. It's a thought process that has scriptural roots to it, and if we're not careful about it, can cause us to having us cross over the line to thinking that we have to do enough to earn heaven, rather than the kingdom being a free gift that Christ has given to us, to which our lives become a natural response. "If it's all about mercy, then, and if there are no limits to God's mercy, does that mean that no one is ever condemned?"

There were lots of ways to address this, and several just from Death on a Friday Afternoon. One, of course, is Fr. Neuhaus' well reasoned argument that God's mercy is sufficient for that outcome, and that we should all hope for it, for the sake of every one of our brothers and sisters. 

Another one carries Fr. Neuhaus' discussion of our audacity in daring to judge the Creator, and his audacity in submitting to our judgment, a step further. The one constant throughout salvation history in our relationship with God is that he always respects our free will, even to the point of submitting to our judgment. 

So: what if the person who will ultimately judge me is the same person who judged Jesus? What if that person is me? 

What if our insistence on judging is the only thing that ever condemns anyone for eternity? And what if the nature of that judgment is this: our unwillingness to spend eternity with people whom God has forgiven may serve as the biggest obstacle to our entering into mercy and grace, which is the only requirement for my redemption?

Perhaps this is why Jesus told us "Thus will my heavenly Father do to each of you who does not forgive his brother from the heart."  Because my brother will be forgiven by God, and if I do not accept that, then I cannot enter the kingdom. I will be like the brother of the prodigal son, standing my ground outside in a huff.  Perhaps this is why he taught us to pray that the Father "forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors." 

So we begin this Advent season of mercy and grace, which marks the beginning of this Extraordinary Jubilee of Mercy. I know I am called to deeper holiness this year, but it must be rooted here. 

Thank you. I appreciate that you washed the dishes this evening.

Not derailed

When I lost most of the day's work at the end of Wednesday, necessitating a change in weekend plans, I wasn't entirely sanguine about it. Rather, my mood was pretty sour. But I didn't have time to mope for long: there were pies to bake, and then on Thursday a huge meal to cook. For the first time ever, my bird was not done when I cut into it, and had to go back into the oven. I don't know exactly how I misused the thermometer. Still, everyone rolled with the flow, and we all had a very nice dinner. Our youngest brought her "littles" over for dessert, and we had "birthday pie" for our seven-year-old granddaughter. Then today I spent most of the day working remotely to catch up the effort I'd lost on Wednesday.

So we're in town instead of visiting Teri's cousin and his wife, but the rest of the weekend should be more relaxing, and I still feel very grateful for how the Lord has abundantly provided for our needs. I love our daughters and grandchildren, even when they are not making the best decisions. And I'm truly blessed with a wife with whom I grow closer every year of our lives, and with friends who love me for who I truly am.

I'm going to grump about a thing or two in a separate post, but will try to keep that in perspective, knowing how abundantly loved I am.

One transforming thought

In my lifelong struggle for/against purity of mind, heart and body, I have lately had one thought that redirects my mind away from its decades of training: every act - every sin - in which I engage becomes a piece of eternity.

I believe this thought is a gift from God.

Neglecting our responsibilities, with cause

I suppose I could be referring to never having any time to express a worthwhile thought anymore. The new job is great, but getting out the door in time for work in the morning has put a damper on my early-morning writing, and accessing social media even on breaks is verboten in my new workplace. Evenings have been crazy busy, too. But at last I have a few minutes to gather a few thoughts from the last week.

My feelings are probably not sufficiently in touch with the citizens of Paris. But then, most Westerners' feelings haven't been sufficiently in touch with the citizens of Syria, Iraq, or Afghanistan for entirely too long. The attack in Paris was supposed to be shocking, but I am not shocked anymore by what we will do to each other in God's name, or that of Justice. From our perspective, the perpetrators of terrorist acts have been primarily Islamic extremists, but those whose homes are destroyed by war may not make such a distinction in who they blame for their homelessness. Don't get me wrong: I'm not suggesting that collateral damage in attempting to combat evil is the same as intentional attack on innocent people, just that I understand why those collateral victims might have a different opinion from mine.

I hope I always remember what the rabbi at the NYC memorial service after 9/11 said. The gist of it was that great threat of evil is not what it does to us from without, but what we become in response to it. And the evil that we have encountered over the past fourteen years has apparently made us a fearful, defensive people, incapable of understanding others' pain. I understand the feelings of my friends who refuse to extend a welcome to those displaced by war in their home country. But their anti-terrorist-cum-anti-Muslim fear prevents Christian refugees from taking shelter among us, too. We seem to have forgotten that the entire Sunni-vs.-Shiite conflict in the Islamic-dominated lands leaves Christians with nowhere to turn. "I don't care," they may protest; it isn't worth the risk, hunkering down in their shells in the middle of the highway.

Really, though, that makes it sound as if my motivation is the same as theirs - determining who best deserves to find a refuge - when I'm really just making an observation about a side effect of what seems to be a predominant view of the "religious right." I find myself disagreeing with their protectionist stance.

I could invoke Franklin, I guess, whose adage about those who would trade liberty for safety could probably be easily extended to those who would protect their own well-being at the expense of those who are far worse off. Or maybe we could talk in terms of lust-filled David, whose royal harem was insufficient to quench his lust for poor Uriah's wife.

But while I recognize that we have a responsibility to look after the safety of our own citizens, the image that keeps coming to my mind is how my Lord treated me when I was his enemy. He did not shrink back from the harm I would do to him, but in his great love and compassion ran forward to embrace the worst hurt that I had to offer, that he might thereby win me to himself. I have long held that it is impossible to simultaneously love another and protect oneself, and that is the true nature of the debate.

To hear us talk, I think it's time to scratch that inscription off the base of that wonderful gift we got from France almost 130 years ago, though. We've become to afraid to care any longer who else yearns to breathe free.

A series of strange dreams

First of all, I should promise my choir director that, no, I'm not going to show up for midnight mass dressed in a towel this year, or any year!

Next I was going through a non-existence gas station out at the base (near where the Twin Base golf course is, actually) when I realized I wasn't authorized to be there, so I pulled forward without getting gas and was waived past the teller taking the money into a cul-de-sac where couples were parking and walking to the building for a dining out. (I never attended either a dining in or a dining out function, which mostly seemed to be for the officers.) I was trying not to be seen by a couple who recognized me because I didn't belong there.

Finally, I was buying a CD from a choir friend who is a songwriter, only in this dream it was her husband's CD. I was trying to flag her down from across the church to buy one from her, and finally did. When I played it, I heard her voice; it turned out that she did the vocals for it, but he wrote the songs and played on it.

Weird stuff. (Oh, I've spared you the mental image of the worst one, dear reader, as I'm sure whatever your mind comes up with on its own won't be as bad!)

No time

Not to write. Not to read. Barely to pray.

Crazy day

I had my first real work in my new position today.

It's nice to know that I'm needed.

I hope it was better when I finished with it.

Incarnation

6/8 Intro/Interlude: |D  A G  D|Bm  |D  A G  D  |F#m 
  A       |D        |A        |D  A   G  D  |(F#m) A     |
Imagine a time, one moment containing ev-ry mo  -  ment
D                        |A      |G          Em       |Bm     |
Poignant, mundane, breathtaking, heartrending  and sublime
     |Em     F#m   |Bm7         |Em       A    |Bm7sus4 Bm7  |
Each joy and every sorrow every heart has ever known
G        Em      |Asus4  A   
Touch upon God's timelessness

Interlude

Picture a |place so |open  it|reaches every |place
from vast |galaxies down to |leptons which our |senses can't per|ceive
|Mountaintops and deep |oceans, shining |stars and prison |cells
Im|merse in God's sacred |presence

Refrain:
     |G   Em     F#m         |Em   A/C#    Bm   |
O my God, You're beyond all imag  - in  -  ing
          Em           Gm          |Bm          
though we struggle and yearn to conceive
      |G   Em    F#m        |Em  A/C#   Bm  
You reveal yourself in your love for    us
        |G          A         |Interlude
Give us hearts that burn to believe

Con|ceive of every con|ception every |one has ever |fathomed
Phi|losophies and in|ventions, |plots, ideas and |schemes 
Each |wonder science dis|covers and |mysteries not yet re|vealed  |
Marvel at God's |boundless mind

Interlude

Consider a |love so |giving it |begs us all to |enter  |
Bearing each hurt and |betrayal, re|turning forgiveness and |peace   |
Shining great light in deep |darkness, bringing |hope to those in des|pair   |
Fall |into God's |loving arms

Refrain

Bridge:
G             Em              |G            A     |
  Since we're told that we're made in God's image
G        Em         |G       A     |
  We assign God our image as well
G          Em              |G            A        
  Bound by physics, space, time, and our feelings
    |G             Em    |G                 |Asus4   |A Tacet 
our minds cannot hope to grasp all that God is

But know this small |child, one |infant who |touches every |person For|saking the glory  of |heaven to be|come as one of |us     |
Born to deliver, by |dying and rising, |all people unto him|self
Come |enter God's |very life

Refrain

© 2015, LifeKnell Music Ministry; All rights reserved.

Today's words

haplology \hap-LAH-luh-jee\ - contraction of a word by omission of one or more similar sounds or syllables

aphaeresis \ə-ˈfer-ə-səs\ - the loss of one or more sounds or letters at the beginning of a word (as in round for around and coon for raccoon)

Why do I suspect I will not remember either of these words if I ever want to use them? Or that I will get them backwards? At least I should recognize them as familiar words.

Incarnation

(edited 10/10)
At last I think I have finished this song about which I was so excited when I started it, nearly two years ago. It turns out that I needed time away from it to get out of my own way, to figure out how to rework the lyrics so that, while they may actually seem more awkward (at the end of each verse and the bridge) to read, the music and therefore the entire song now flow much better, and the parallelism between the verses is vastly improved. I also have a tentative title that I like at least a little.

I am highly indebted to the motivational influence of other wonderful songwriters. I was inspired to start this song after hearing the talented members of the Heider family share their music in a house concert. I was moved to revisit it after rehearsing for the first time with Keri Edwards, Kris Krumal and Nic Cardilino to accompany their wonderful songwriters' concert.

This is, of course, too long, and way heady, but there is a point to both of these shortcomings, as it's so broad in what it attempts to convey (which may literally be the understatement of all time and eternity).


Incarnation

Imagine a time: one moment containing every moment
Poignant, mundane, breathtaking, heartrending and sublime
Each joy and every sorrow every heart has ever known
Touch upon God's timelessness

Picture a place so open it reaches every place
from vast galaxies down to leptons which our senses can't perceive
Mountaintops and deep oceans, shining stars and prison cells
Immerse in God's sacred presence

Refrain:
O my God, you're beyond all imagining
though we struggle and yearn to conceive
You reveal yourself in your love for us
Give us hearts that burn to believe

Conceive of every conception everyone has ever fathomed
Philosophies and inventions, plots, ideas and schemes
Each wonder science discovers and mysteries not yet revealed
Marvel at God's boundless mind

Consider a love so giving it begs us all to enter
Bearing each hurt and betrayal, returning forgiveness and peace
Shining great light in deep darkness, bringing hope to those in despair
Fall into God's loving arms

Refrain

Bridge:
Since we're told that we're made in God's image
We assign God our image as well
Bound by physics, space, time and our feelings
Our minds cannot hope to grasp all that God is

But know this small child, one infant who touches every person
Forsaking the glory of heaven to become as one of us
Born to deliver, by dying and rising, all people unto himself
Come enter God's very life

Refrain

© 2014, 2015, LifeKnell Music Ministry; All rights reserved.

Catching the bug again

Spending time with these wonderful songwriters last night has me jonesing to finish my last song . . .

And I believe the time off has gotten me past my roadblock.

Even an inadequate one feels good

There is something reassuring about being offered a job, even one with a compensation package significantly lower than that of my last position. It feels good to have made such an impression upon a potential employer that they called me back with an offer the same day. It really isn't adequate for our needs, though, let alone our goals. Still, it could be worth taking for the rest of the year, if nothing else develops very quickly here.

We'll see . . .

Today's word

vilipend \VIL-uh-pend\ - 1. to hold or treat as of little worth or account : contemn  2. to express a low opinion of : disparage

What a great new word, and one to which I fear I am entirely too prone, in its first sense. I think that the most important part of Pope Francis' messages to us involve being on guard against this tendency.

Some days . . .

. . . I should just stay away from the comments on Carolyn Hax's posts.

Today was one of those days.

Every autumn is the same

And I hate it.

Easier renouncing in my dreams

Just before waking, I dreamed an impure dream. It was not with anyone I know, but my wife was watching, encouraging even, as I  reveled in an activity that has only been a fantasy. In the midst of my dream, as my bride began an act for which I have begged her, I rejected the dream activity as not being God's will for me. In essence, I broke away from the dream.

I am having a harder time doing the same thing upon waking.

The role of self-identification

Simply identifying myself first as a follower of Jesus Christ is not the end of spiritual battle. It turns out that there are many other ways that we self-identify that also play a key role in our spiritual life, too. When we accept as unchangeable aspects of ourselves things that God would have us shed - a tendency to superiority, desires that are not God's revealed will for us, unbridled anger - we give them a power over us that interferes with the transformation that should be ours in Christ Jesus. 

When we have done this, turning loose of them can require more than just deciding otherwise. We will likely need to renounce the lie that has warped us, and any spiritual influence that has taken root in our lives as the result of it. 

I seem to have gotten too busy to write.

Today's word

neoteric \nee-uh-TAIR-ik\ - recent in origin : modern

I was pretty sure what this new word meant. First new WOTD in a month.

 

Losing one's perspective

I suppose that when you are convinced that you know for yourself what is just and right and good, and nobody is going to tell you any different - certainly not the Bible or Church - eventually you can reach a point at which you blame a 10-year-old for the trouble you get in when you leave her in charge of five younger children (8, 6, 4, 3 and 2; all sleeping, but still) late at night (10:30) and she calls her dad about it. I guess you can conclude that your problem is that she set you up and you can decide that she needs to be punished for it.

I am at a complete loss. This situation is hopeless unless God does something about it.

A hopeful development . . .

. . . apparently disturbs my sleep as much as a setback does.

Testaments

We always give thanks to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ when we pray for you, for we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and the love that you have for all the holy ones because of the hope reserved for you in heaven. Of this you have already heard through the word of truth, the Gospel, that has come to you. Just as in the whole world it is bearing fruit and growing, so also among you, from the day you heard it and came to know the grace of God in truth - Col 1, 3-6

As I revisit these words from this morning's liturgy, I find myself thinking of my many friends who are faithful followers of Christ Jesus, who are clearly giving growth to the kingdom of God by how they live their lives, and who serve as examples for me. Their faith encourages my strength against the temptations in my own life, helps me to renounce my sin and the influences that come with it, to instead walk in grace so as perhaps to bear fruit for those around me to see, as well.

Not using the "b" word

Three of my previous five posts have used the word "busy" in the title - the last one three times. This one uses it in the first sentence, but only to observe this reality of my life of late, not to lament it. So while I have been very b-word, and I will be again this afternoon, I have a short break in the action, and I'm going to use it for a bit of time with the One who loves me most, lest my b-word-ness lead me to unhealthy places. I've started the last two mornings with Mass, but won't have the luxury for the next couple of days.

Busy busy busy

I have been gearing up the job transition activities, which hasn't left me nearly enough time for blogging, but that's just a sign that I have my priorities in order. We'll see where all of that leads.

Meanwhile, I have come to realize a couple things:

• The last person in the world to whom I should complain about reminders of my sister is the person for whom that would be a reminder of her two sisters. She deserves better than my intrusion on her busy life with that emotional wrecking ball.
• Our marriage encounter circle is a real gift to us. We may not have met for months, but it was very nice getting together on Saturday. I'm glad we were able to make that happen.
• I am blessed with wonderful friends who will do anything they can to help me. 
• My wife is a gift beyond telling. (Even if she's also a frustration sometimes. After all: who isn't?)

The search has started

Finally applied for my first position yesterday, and sent my resume to an old Air Force friend whose current company has several openings that I might fit with. As for that one, I don't really want to drive to Columbus every day, but I'll do it for the right offer.

I think I'm going to be resigning from a ministry soon . . .

And busy week

Four meetings on three nights so far this week, but at least we have a pretty good sense of what to do with our 401k and our severance package. And even though our conference in October will not have the author for whom we hoped - who is having back surgery - I'm convinced that the Lord wants to bring the gift of spiritual freedom to his people who have been spiritually bound for so long!

Busy weekend

Nice, long-overdue phone call with a friend. Meeting Saturday morning, with a potentially disappointing development for a major event we have scheduled for October. Keeping Neal Lozano in prayer for his impending back surgery. Got the inside back panel off of the van and the back opened so that I could replace a bulb, so it is safer to drive now. Prepared our dishes for our two picnics on Sunday, which we managed to attend both of even though our plans for the grandchildren to be attended to by the aunt and uncle who agreed to take them didn't exactly pan out. Nice company at both of them, though.

Now, to gear up a job search.

They said she'd become my most reliable friend

I've encountered a lot of things over recent years that have caused me to realize more often than ever how deeply I miss my sister.  They include "siblings' day" postings on FB, friends who have also lost a sibling, reconnecting with old friends who ask me about her, brief pangs of jealousy as my wife gets to be with her sisters and brothers, even an article about Karen and Richard Carpenter - since his Karen died just a few years before mine; there is such a wide variety of reminders, seemingly everywhere I turn.

While our relationship was never as screwed up as Dora and Sven's, today's QC nearly made me cry in my cube.

Today's words

isinglass \ˈī-zən-ˌglas, ˈī-ziŋ-\ - 1. a semitransparent whitish very pure gelatin prepared from the air bladders of fishes (as sturgeons) and used especially as a clarifying agent and in jellies and glue  2. mica especially when in thin transparent sheets; especially :  muscovite 2

I was marginally familiar with the second definition, having encountered it in a couple of period novels, except I didn't know that it was made of mica.

spelter \ˈspel-tər\ - zinc; especially :  zinc cast in slabs for commercial use

This one was new to me.

Cloudy vision

If I am primarily trying to see God's plan for me in this layoff in terms of the possible upside for our finances, I am probably missing the main thing.

In my life, Lord, be glorified today.

The hope of glory

So on Tuesday, I went to the office early, about an hour earlier than I had been arriving of late. I've pretty much always worked later hours, and usually longer ones, than many of my coworkers. But on this day I figured that, if I was being let go, it would be best for everyone involved to get it out of the way early in the day.

When I arrived, neither of the guys in the nearest cube had yet been summoned to learn of their fate. Soon thereafter one of the guys was called to the conference room, and returned a couple minutes later with a piece of paper in his hand and let us know he'd been cut. I couldn't have been more surprised; this was one of the guys who had been traveling the world installing and troubleshooting the system that was supposed to be lifting the company out of its financial straits. If he was gone, there was no longer any question that I would be, too.

The severance package might not be quite as good as it was several years ago, but it is still very solid, so I was not excessively anxious about our financial position if my analysis was correct. Within a minute or so, my own phone rang, and at that point I knew I was cut. They have always notified the people who are let go first, followed by the other team members. Sure enough, when I entered the conference room my boss told me that I had been "impacted." What a sanitary word they've chosen; I've always hated it, because even when it was my coworkers who were leaving it was obvious that we were all "impacted," even as much as I hate that use of the word. I told him that I had figured as much, and after he let me know the key dates and where and when I'd be getting more information, he asked if I had any questions.

I'd actually developed the habit over the years of praying for my boss - whomever it might be - when there was a layoff, not so much that they might have the good sense to keep me but sincerely for their own peace of mind. I imagine that this must be one of the most difficult aspects of supervision, and I've always recognized the stressful nature of being in that sort of position. Perhaps this was what helped me ask the two questions that were on my mind. First I wanted to know if there was anything in my job performance that I should have done differently, and was relieved when he told me there wasn't.

Then I was able to ask how he was doing. He seemed a little relieved to have the opportunity to share how much he had been struggling over this. Even after several rounds of layoffs over the past several years, I'm glad that he hasn't become jaded over the process. I think he also recognizes that the only way his team isn't going to have more work than people to do it is if this product fails to take off, and that would not bode well for the company.

At any rate, I feel as if my genuine concern for him was the one thing I was able to do to really witness the presence of Christ in my life. I don't know if it had that effect, but I am hopeful that it did, and that I might get a chance to give him the credit more explicitly before I am completely out the door.

Monday's meeting

When I arrived at Monday afternoon's meeting, I couldn't help but notice the new young woman there, and I'd pretty much figured out who she was before my boss introduced her, along with the other HR representative who had called in from Rochester.

Taking inventory of who was in the room and on the call, of who my remaining coworkers are, I concluded that there was a pretty good chance that I was on the chopping block this time. I told my wife as much when I went home. My boss just couldn't afford to lose too many people who were traveling the world to install equipment.

But the weekend was nothing . . .

It has been too hectic to blog about.

It's weird being on the job market again, being told I'm less necessary than my coworkers, not knowing how God is going to provide for the future.

While I have a strong mental confidence in God's providence, that assurance doesn't seem to reach my gut.  Also, I had an interesting reminder yesterday not to misinterpret God's promises according to how I might desperately desire for them to apply to my own circumstances.

But it's still true that I am at least as excited as I am anxious. It's not quite as intense as stepping out of the airplane in midair, but it's the same sort of feeling.

Weekend

What a busy weekend, by turns fun and stressful and worrisome.

I'm still dealing with the phone call from last Tuesday night, and trying to figure out what to do about it, if anything.

Had a wonderful visit with my SIL and her husband, including good food and great company.

Had two daughter crises on Saturday, the first of which looked as if it might involve a divorce and the second a mom-kid meltdown. Both seem to have gotten resolved reasonably.

But had a wonderful birthday party for our second-oldest granddaughter on Sunday, even it there were moments in the lead-up in which we thought we were being accused of inadequate mind-reading skills.

Today's words

Courtesy of the Dictionary Devil puzzle:

epigone \ˈe-pə-ˌgōn\ - follower, disciple; also :  an inferior imitator

Silly me. I had the right idea about this word but the completely wrong pronunciation and etymology, based on my misunderstanding that it would be related to "epitome."

compurgator \ˈkäm-(ˌ)pər-ˌgā-tər\ - one who under oath vouches for the character or conduct of an accused person

Because everybody needs a twenty-five cent word that means "character witness."

debenture \di-ˈben-chər\ - 1. British :  a corporate security other than an equity security :  bond
2.  a bond backed by the general credit of the issuer rather than a specific lien on particular assets

I'm pretty sure I've heard this investment term before. I couldn't have told you what it means, though.

That moment when . . .

. . . an old friend, who has been aware of my history nearly from the start - though she never really understood our situation very well, for which I've always made allowances because, after all, who would want to? - calls the house and opens the conversation with, "I'm sorry, I know this is going to sound awkward, but I needed to talk with you instead of your wife because you're the only person I know who," and proceeds to name the worst possible truth about me using the most legally inaccurate descriptor possible. I let this pass, too, as she was clearly distraught and struggling. She then followed up by describing a family situation that must be reported to the authorities.

Must.

It makes me grateful, for the moment, to be in my own shoes, to be able to speak clarity into the muddiness of their lives, to expose the thinking errors that will otherwise keep her from doing what she must.

But if she won't, then I must.

Feeling hopeless again. And then not.

You know, I'm not really all that guarded. You just don't care enough to read my expressed thoughts, or to set aside your vapid entertainment to have a real, human connection. No wonder I so often feel as if I'm alone in the world.

I wrote the previous paragraph after coming in from mowing on a humid night to find a detestable program on the television. I retreated upstairs to cool down and resigned myself to soon calling it an early night.

Shortly thereafter, I was pleasantly surprised when she came upstairs and asked if I wanted to play what has become our nightly game.

I'm not sure whether this bodes well for the future or if it's just a matter of there only being one thing on that catches her interest at present. But in either case, it is also a case study for me of the importance of not rushing into snap judgments and not assuming the worst. There are indeed things in our relationship which will be impossible to change, but I need to quit doubting that I can trust God to use our marriage to make me into the person he dreams for me to be.

An idol

I suppose if we were a nation with whom God had established a covenant, I would feel a whole lot more worried about an idolatrous statue. But I think the idols we already worship are way worse than this one.

And I'm not just talking about others.

Today's words

abulia \ay-BOO-lee-uh\ - abnormal lack of ability to act or to make decisions

Wow, a completely new one.  I wonder if this is applicable to the usually temporary - if sometimes quite long term - depressed condition from which some mourners often feel unable to rouse themselves.

etymon \ˈe-tə-ˌmän\ - 1a.  an earlier form of a word in the same language or an ancestral language
b.  a word in a foreign language that is the source of a particular loanword  2.  a word or morpheme from which words are formed by composition or derivation

Another new word, though with a familiar root. (Well, I suppose the "a" in the previous word meets that criterion, too.)

A bright light

We went to the area board meeting in Cincinnati on Friday night, not really knowing what to expect but mainly hoping to connect with the larger Marriage Encounter community. We also hoped there might be other couples from the Dayton area there, but apparently none of the leaders could get subs to attend.

(The meeting was in the current parish of our former pastor, but it turns out that he was out of town on vacation, so there wasn't a chance to see him.)

After the informal meet and greet period, we had an opening prayer and then took some time for introductions. There were a lot of couples from around the Cincinnati and northern Kentucky area, and apparently we weren't the only ones there for the first time. I was surprised at what happened next, as the couple who was leading the meeting apparently thought the couple from the ecclesial team was going to be presenting, and vice versa! Oops.

Fortunately the ecclesial team couple at least had a dialogue question handy on which we could write and share: In what ways to I struggle to be vulnerable to you? What are my feelings about my answer?

Well, I must confess to experiencing a moment of panic when I heard this. Did I dare to tell the truth concerning the depth of my isolation? I suppose I decided that it was now or never. It wouldn't be right to share here what I wrote to my bride, but it was honest and vulnerable and heartfelt. I know it was a surprise to her, but she received it in the same spirit as I offered it.

In turn, she also shared a significant struggle that she has in our relationship, one that didn't surprise me at all and very much fits with our relationship history. Again, it wouldn't be proper to share what that is, but I think I can say without compromising her confidence that, if I am not primarily responsible for her struggle, I did substantially contribute to it through the way I treated her in the first decade and a half of our marriage.

We have a follow-up question on which we have agreed to dialogue, but having the younger two of the older set of grandchildren over last night prevented our doing so. I believe I will invite her to do so shortly.

A glimmer

The line in this great article that was most helpful to me:

One thing I love about marriage (and I love a lot of things about marriage) is that you can have a bad day or even a bad few years, full of doubt . . . and confusion . . .

I'm sorry I snapped at you

I've really enjoyed playing Farkle with you in the evenings since you've gotten home. But I'm going to hate it if you spend it texting the whole time like last night.

It isn't a matter of paying attention to the game. It's a matter of setting aside some dedicated time together.

You'd spent ten minutes almost constantly texting with our daughter when I (rudely) asked if you would please stop that. I realize that my tone of voice was not conducive to what I was trying to accomplish, and I am sorry for not being more gentle.

You paused for a few minutes, but didn't stop, as the texts kept coming and you just had to answer them.

Most of my nostalgia hurts

Searching in vain around the house for gutter screws last night - of which I ended up buying ten (more) and using one, just like the last time - I stumbled across a box with old pictures my mom had, along with her birth certificate. While there is a sense of nostalgic warmth in them, there is also terrible heartache and loss, and not just for those who have died. I feel as if those pictures portray my lost self, too.

Even the simple act of referring an old friend to the business of another former friend reminds me of what is gone. We were so close, and I ruined it. And another old friendship, from college, where the feelings were mutual, might have been preserved; I can only presume that she hadn't told her husband about the time we saw each other in the early 80's, and I let the cat out of the bag.

I guess I'm feeling lonely, lately. I'm glad that my relationship with my bride, at least, has been going pretty well,. Still, she can't be everything to me, and that's okay. I'm being careful, though, not to seek the wrong things elsewhere - substitutional closeness, for instance.

Now, to apply as needed

It is the height of vanity to deny myself the grace and mercy that I freely grant every other person in the world. - words I heard coming from my own mouth at lunch time

Hesitation

I've been reading about the semicolon tattoo. The idea appeals to me and terrifies me at the same time. I think it would make my struggles seem bigger and more omnipresent than they have been. At the same time, it represents a degree of openness that feels foreign to me now. (Younger me is slapping me inside my head now.)

So many decisions, too. I'd want it to be more artistic or expressive, but how? And where? Not too in-everyone's-face, not too private.

Okay, this isn't going to happen.

"I Just Do"

Sometimes it becomes your life.

Read this link first. (Ignore the click bait graphic.)

Even if the reasons were all wrong through the decades:

• because no one else will have me
• because I fell into her eyes and couldn't climb back out
• because she loves me
• because I need to be loved
• because she's the mother of our children
• because I'm committed to our marriage
• because she has forgiven me
• because I don't deserve her
• because I'll die without her
• because she deserves to be loved

Eventually, there accumulates decades of what amounts to "because I just do." 

I think you deserve better than this. You deserve for someone to know why they live for every moment of life with you. But I will continue to lay down my life for you, and continue to refuse any temptation to take it back up again for myself. Sometimes this seems to be all I have to give. And as I told you - as we told each other - just last week, after you there won't be another.

I don't know why I love you, why I still choose you, but this choice seems to have become who I am, and I am convinced I can only be the man I am called to be in this choice.

Boundaries

One of my former classmates (grade school and high school) has a son attending college in her town. I probably shouldn't have mentioned her B&B to them.

At every turn, I keep running into the walls I've built around myself.



I need to just focus on my calling and trust God.

Today's word

virgule \ˈvər-(ˌ)gyül\ - slash mark (/)

Okay, I may have known today's WOTD (octothorpe, to save the reader a click), but I didn't know this one to which it linked even though I use the symbol all the time.

Where is it? I need it!

I can't find my Ennui-B-Gone.

Today's (rhyming) word

truculent \TRUCK-yuh-lunt\ - 1. feeling or displaying ferocity : cruel, savage  2. deadly, destructive  3. scathingly harsh : vitriolic  4. aggressively self-assertive : belligerent

This is not a new word for me. But because it rhymes with "succulent," my brain always takes an extra moment to process it.

Today's word

longanimity \long-guh-NIM-uh-tee\ - a disposition to bear injuries patiently : forbearance

Just when I'd almost abandoned my hope of Merriam-Webster ever giving me another new WOTD. I think I've heard this one before, but given the utter dearth of novelty of late, I'll take it.

This is my calling (updated)

This was a vague enough heading. Apologies to the reader. Now, to expand just a little.

The moment before I posted this title I felt a wave of dissatisfaction with life crash into me. There was no real reason for it; it's just something that I get for brief moments sometimes, and it can spiral if I let my thoughts linger on whatever brings it on.

So the title of this post was my response to that momentary feeling, a bit of a "thought-stopper" to check that feeling and that train of thought before they could derail the enjoyable evening that my wife and I had spent together.

A good call

After dinner last night at the end of a steamy but precipitation-free day, I realized I had better take advantage of the window of opportunity for mowing the lawn. It's a good thing I did, as it stormed before bed last night and things would have stayed pretty wet through the day, plus more storms are in the forecast for later.

Today's word

abatis \ˈa-bə-ˌtē, ˈa-bə-təs\
plural abatis \ˈa-bə-ˌtēz\ or abatises \ˈa-bə-tə-səz\ - a defensive obstacle formed by felled trees with sharpened branches facing the enemy

I don't think I've ever heard or seen the word before, but as soon as I saw the definition I knew I'd seen them before, in movies.

A quibble with a quote

A relatively new friend shared a quote attributed to George Eliot - and I must be nearly illiterate to have not remembered who she was - in a post on FB, with which I must quibble:

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

It turns out to be a misquote, at best, and I've read enough of her biography to not take her as a moral mentor, but neither of those things represent my quibble. After all, this so much depends on what you think you might have been! There are things I thought I might have been that will never be available to me, because of decisions I have made along the way and circumstances beyond my control.

Many of those things are no great loss, and others are quite a great loss indeed. When people talk about living your life without regret, my internal response is always an acknowledgement that the best for which I can hope is to avoid fresh cause for it.

But I would agree that it is never to late to be what you might be, or even what you are meant to be. And the far greater tragedy of many lives is that we fail to seek a vision for what we might be because we are too busy lamenting the loss of what we might have been.

When you wish . . .

. . . that you could touch base with someone who understands just how you feel, except you care about them enough to not want to trigger their own feelings.

The dark spot she brightened

I was listening to Focus on the Family on the way back from lunch, and was feeling pretty trapped by the life I've chosen. Today's guest, Paul Coughlin, was discussing the ways that Christian men get the gospel message wrong that keep us from being strong in our witness.

He was asked by the host what sort of things a Christian should watch out for to determine if he might be falling into this trap, and his response floored me. Honesty and sincerity, he basically said. He indicated that some of the most consistent counseling he's done has been with pastors and grown sons of pastors. He said that they tend to display persona rather than personalities. They present a front or a mask to whomever their audience happens to be - their church, their community, their family - that represents what they think that audience expects of them rather than their true selves.

And I couldn't help but think that this is true of pretty much my entire life.

As I read more of what he means by this, he does not seem to be addressing the parts of myself that I rightfully subjugate to my marriage. J.R.R. Tolkien also indicates that there are indeed things that a man should be expected to turn from in order to love his spouse as he is called to do. Most of what I deal with falls into this category. Indeed, the specific needs which Coughlin's article makes clear that men mustn't deny are genuinely met in my relationship with my bride.

And yet I find myself feeling that I am withholding myself from, well, pretty much everyone.

This is especially difficult for me, as authenticity was always one of my strongest values. My mother hated nothing like artifice and dishonesty (ironically enough; sorry, mom, but your secrets ran deep). And while I am certain that I have chosen rightly in how I am living, I tire of being so guarded lest I hurt the ones I love by making them feel that I would choose otherwise if I had the chance. Instead I choose to hide my choices so as not to reveal anything hurtful about them, about myself.

Upon returning to my desk after hearing this on the radio, the next thing that happened was a follow-up phone call from my wife indicating that our granddaughter had called her. She'd been lamenting that she hadn't heard from her. I was glad for her, while also a little hurt that I haven't had that sort of contact, which I expressed as a joking lament about being able to tell who rates. It was shortly after this that my granddaughter called me, too, and my wife still hasn't answered my query as to whether that might have been a prompted call.  I'm therefore sure it must have been, but I appreciate it anyway, from both of them.

I know that most of this is another example of being entirely too "in my head." Jesus is greater than any of it, and is the context for receiving the good things and dealing with the challenging parts.

An unexpected bright spot

Just had an unexpected phone call from Hannah. What a pleasant surprise. She's hanging out with her mom at work today.

I'm suspicious that g-ma might have texted her instructions to call me, when I lamented that "at least one of us rates" when g-ma called to tell me that she'd gotten a phone call of her own. She won't answer my question about it. But still, my granddaughter sounded genuinely pleased to be talking to me, so I'll take it.

Today's words

estival \ESS-tuh-vul\ - of or relating to the summer

I knew I was familiar with this word, but couldn't quite place it.

serotinal \sə-ˈrät-nəl, -ˈrä-tə-; ˌser-ə-ˈtī-nəl\ - of or relating to the latter and usually drier part of summer

I wasn't at all familiar with this one.  Apparently unrelated to serotonin, which is going to mess me up should I encounter it again without strong contextual clues.

majuscule \MAJ-uh-skyool\ - a large letter (such as a capital)

Another one that seemed a bit familiar but which I couldn't nail down.

uncial \ˈən(t)-shəl, -sē-əl\
      adj. - written in the style or size of uncials
      noun - 1. a handwriting used especially in Greek and Latin manuscripts of the fourth to the eighth centuries a.d. and made with somewhat rounded separated majuscules but having cursive forms for some letters  2. an uncial letter  3. a manuscript written in uncial

Follow the word link and scroll down for an illustration. Might have seen this one before, too.

schnorrer \ˈshnȯr-ər\ - beggar; especially : one who wheedles others into supplying his wants

This one was courtesy of the Dictionary Devil puzzle that I caught up on from the weekend. Its Yiddish origins seem to resonate with me just a bit.

Before I *completely* forget

One of the most impressive things I saw on Saturday was on the way back from Indian Lake following the afternoon at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame: thousands upon thousands of fireflies for miles along and in the fields adjacent to the road. There were far and away more of them than I have ever seen before.

The best laid plans

Pretty much the only thing all weekend that went according to plan was music at Mass this morning.

Most of what didn't go according to plan just sucked.

But Saturday was a gem (except for the part about losing Teri's favorite lawn chair).

It's lonely out in space . . .

. . . on such a timeless flight . . .

Getting out of my . . .

 . . . head?  Not completely, although I do recognize my tendency to get too focused on myself can be a sort of self-idolatry and makes me vulnerable to temptation.

 . . . self-indulgence?  I hope so, by focusing less on myself and more on Christ's awesome love.

 . . . danger zone?  Yes, certainly, in more ways than one.

This is shaping up to be a good time alone.

Very nice meeting

With Teri out of town and the parish planning meeting for special musical events moved to earlier in the day, I was free to attend the family praise and worship meeting in the St. Julie Center last night. Several of the young folks had attended the Encounter conference for young adults in St. Louis, and reported on the things that struck them.

They shared some really practical things related to overcoming habitual sin. They also shared a very flexible prayer paradigm that I am already finding useful for restoring my daily prayer time. Mine had definitely taken the downward turn I anticipated when I completed the Spiritual Exercises, which had also left me separated from my only Strength in the face of temptation. I'm concerned about how close I was to making a foolish decision. I don't think it would have led me into true catastrophe - which would have still been of a very different nature from where I was two decades ago - but it would have been another baby step closer. Last night and this morning had very different thought, emotion and prayer dynamics as a result of attending this meeting.

I faced a pretty clear decision point last night about whether to go, at which time it was clear that I was deciding what was more important to me. I can see that God has blessed me with a desire to live according to His vision for my life and continues to honor every choice I make to act according to that desire.

Today's words

garderobe \GAR-drohb\ - 1. a wardrobe or its contents  2. a private room : bedroom  3. privy, toilet

It seems odd to me, at first, that this new word would describe three different types of rooms. But then again, I'm in the middle of reading Bad English, so all of the strange quirks of our language seem more normal now. Some of the etymologically-related words surprised me, too.

donnicker \ˈdä-ni-kər\ - toilet 3a

I suppose around the 1930's someone decided they needed a more socially acceptable term for toilet. This one seems more highfalutin than privy, which I was surprised to see primarily refers to an outhouse. Apparently the synonymous sense of loo didn't develop for nearly another decade.

This post belongs in the water closet.

Late night truth

I persist in sinful thoughts because the resulting endorphins distract me from - and feel better than - my despair.

And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries

Today's words

No new ones today. But I want to save this link to temerity because of the succinct explanation it provides of the distinctions among it and audacity, hardihood, and effrontery.

Today's word

interpellate \in-ter-PELL-ayt\ - to question (someone, such as a foreign minister) formally concerning an official action or policy or personal conduct

While I recognized that this WOTD from last week would have a pronunciation and meaning different from "interpolate," I didn't know what it might mean until I read it. (But by and large, the dearth of new words for my vocabulary in this daily feature continues.)

Long-ago rewritten history

I disagree with this guy's conclusions concerning what should be done about this issue today, but this is the second place I've read about the misunderstanding of the role of states' rights in the Civil War. These two articles have confirmed my own new insight on the roots of the war based on my recent first reading of the Lincoln-Douglas debates. The southern states adamantly opposed northern states' rights to not support the institution of slavery, particularly the Fugitive Slave Act and the move to prevent new territories from starting with a bias toward slavery. The primary issue over which they seceded seems to have been to preserve and expand their economic model which was strongly based on slavery and the fear of what would happen to their way of life should slavery be abolished.

We - well, well-schooled lawyers, anyway - can argue all day about whether states had at that time or today have a right to secede from the United States of America. If so, that would probably make the Civil War technically about states' rights. But there is strong evidence supporting the slavery issue as far and away the motivating reason for southern states' secession. They wanted to preserve their own rights to their slave "property" - along with the economic model that came with it - and (particularly) force northern states to recognize slave owners' right to own and recover their slaves the same as any other property over which they might retain possession when it passed within another states' borders. They also wanted new territories to be allowed to govern themselves on the slavery model even before they reached the less-federally-controlled status which came with statehood, if the (white) residents of the territory so wished.

In our free nation, I will simultaneously defend your individual right to display the confederate flag as an expression of what it represents to you and try to help you understand why many view it as a symbol of racial oppression. I will also help you to understand that your free speech rights come with the same consequences to which all of our speech is always subject, and none of us is free from the court of public opinion. I am largely of the opinion that state and local governments have no more business flying it than they do the flag of the United Kingdom.

Today's words

WOTD has gotten into one of its dry spells, not (directly) serving me up very many new words. Fortunately I'm finding some in other places. Today's was the first Dictionary Devil puzzle to expand my vocabulary.

bijouterie \bi-ˈzhü-tə-(ˌ)rē\ - a collection of trinkets or ornaments

I was familiar enough with bijou to match this definition to its word with no problem.

anhinga \an-ˈhiŋ-gə\ -  any of a genus (Anhinga) of fish-eating birds related to the cormorants but distinguished by a longer neck and sharply pointed rather than hooked bill; especially :  one (A. anhinga) occurring from the southern United States to Argentina

This one was completely new, but I didn't have to resort to the process of elimination to place its definition. It just seemed right. 

While the words of the day have not themselves included very many new ones for me, write-ups like today's have included some interesting etymology's, as well as links to new related words, such as:

tottery \ˈtä-tə-rē\ - of an infirm or precarious nature

Sadly and currently relevant, my son-in-law's mother's had long been in tottery health, so her family has declined an autopsy the specific cause of her death in the nursing home is not so important to know.

The value of a brother in Christ

Great lunch meeting with a dear, close friend today. I miss the days when we could meet weekly. We shared and prayed some good stuff today, I think, rooted in a long history of walking together.

Today's words

On this list of 13 (with apologies for sending the reader to what is clearly a marketing site), I knew six, and have experienced at least three or four others. My new ones, plus a couple of bonus words discovered when looking up ones links for the ones from the list that I didn't know:

overmorrow - the day after tomorrow, apparently obsolete

which lead to the also obsolete

ereyesterday - the day before yesterday

eigengrau - the uniform dark gray background that many people report seeing in the absence of light

apparently also virtually obsolete

dysania -  state of finding it hard to get out of bed in the morning

very rarely used

eyesome - pleasant to look at

archaic

 anuptaphobia - the fear of remaining unmarried or being married to the wrong person

a rare word, but its roots make perfect sense

collop - 1. a small piece or slice especially of meat  2. a fold of fat flesh

the only of these words to be both common enough and current enough to be included on Merriam-Webster's site. Also, the first I think I've heard before.

lethologica - the inability to remember a word or put your finger on the right word

The Free Dictionary entry for this word then led me to the related

loganamnosis - the obsession with trying to recall a word that one wishes to use

 

The "Love is love" trend

I just read a litany about all the things that marriage allegedly isn't about, with an example for each one indicating why it isn't. One of them was procreation.

Really?

Gay marriage may be among the least damaging effects of our efforts to separate of our sexuality from its primary biological function. Or it may be far more damaging than we understand. Perhaps both of these are true at the same time. But here are some other serious results of that trend: broken families, rape culture, sexual abuse, STD epidemic, single parenthood, emotionally broken children who grow into emotionally stunted adults, increased poverty and crime (in prison, Mother's Day is the most difficult day to use the phone; Father's Day is just another day), pornography addiction, other sexual addiction, prostitution, sex trafficking, abortion, etc.

When compared against this list, it's easy to understand why proponents of allowing gay couples to marry insist that they aren't hurting anyone.

(It is no coincidence that so many items on the list above could also be listed as effects of drug addiction, as the neurotransmitters engaged in our sexuality are as powerful as many artificial addictive substances, and they are commonly engaged both in sexual activity and drug use.)

In a world with 7+ billion people, I can understand why some might argue that sexuality and procreation shouldn't necessarily have anything to do with each other. 

Today's bonus word

orology - the science of mountains

Courtesy of today's Jumble Crossword. (Sorry; I'm all hyperlinked out today.)

Today's words

jiggery-pokery \ˈji-gər-ē-ˈpō-kər-ē\ - underhanded manipulation or dealings :  trickery

This piece of vocabulary used by Justice Scalia in his scathing dissent from the majority SCOTUS ruling on the most recent challenge to the ACA to make it through the court was highlighted in a Words at Play blog post. The renowned post author, whose books I'm going to have to check out on Amazon Prime if I can get my wife to leave her Kindle behind when she goes on vacation, presents it as simple example of rhyming slang, with a wonderfully witty editorial nod to its (presumably) English source. However, a commenter on this post pointed out a possible older Scottish etymology for the word, and Google led me to this gem - which you should get while it's available as its linked and related article from the previous week appears to be gone; it also provides a likely etymology for the modern verb juke.

stare decisis \ˌster-ē-di-ˈsī-səs, ˌstär-\ - a doctrine or policy of following rules or principles laid down in previous judicial decisions unless they contravene the ordinary principles of justice

The same blog post led me to this legal term of Latin origin. I was familiar with the concept but the actual term is new for me. My brain is going to insist on the Latin pronunciation, even though I don't really know Latin, because that's just how I am.

waddy \ˈwä-dē\ - cowboy

I believe I've encountered today's WOTD before, but didn't remember it when I saw it. (I wish the Merriam-Webster website would use the same pronunciation scheme for the WOTD as for the rest of the site.) 

skewbald \'skew-ˌbȯld\ - 1. (adj) of an animal :  marked with patches of white and any other color but black  2. a skewbald horse

And one of the the examples in that WOTD write-up has led me to this other word that I'm pretty sure I'd never heard before. It makes me wonder if this word inspired the Peter, Paul and Mary classic, Stewball.

 An uncommonly rich morning for new words!

Two smiles this morning . . .

. . . following another restless evening (for far more mysterious reasons than the night before):

First, talk about living on the edge! The bungee walk!

Then this gem from a Words at Play post about Scalia's dissent on the SCOTUS ACA ruling:

Jiggery-pokery comes from Britain, as does most of the finest rhyming slang and spicy mustards . . . 

(I'm ignoring the awkward verb/subject disagreement issue . . . )

More on the latter in today's vocabulary post.

Another thought about the value of dialogue

In addition to my preference for writing, which I will freely grant is partly because it gives me a chance to keep from being a clumsy oaf with regard to the effect that the expression of my own feelings is likely to have on the recipient, there is an element of emotional safety that the dialogue process is supposed to provide for us.

For instance - and I mention this strictly as example; I am not at all still dwelling on this moment - on Sunday I needed for my bride to understand that I was struggling. Yet because I had to express that in the context of the plans she was trying to make, my feelings were received as an impediment to her desire to do something nice for me rather than as an indication of my need for support. Therefore, the response I received wasn't support and love, but frustration and irritation.

This whole incident wasn't affirming for either one of us. It slapped her down in her well-intended and loving initiative as she tried to do something nice for me, and reinforced once more my long-standing tendency to guard my heart and mind.

Today's words

Could this new vocabulary be?

anastrophe \uh-NASS-truh-fee\ - inversion of the usual syntactical order of words for rhetorical effect

Recognized immediately, I did, the speaking practice of a character short, green, pointy-eared and wise. Knew not, did I, the word for it.

anacoluthon \ˌa-nə-kə-ˈlü-ˌthän\ - syntactical inconsistency or incoherence within a sentence; especially :  a shift in an unfinished sentence from one syntactic construction to another (as in “you really ought—well, do it your own way”)

I also wasn't familiar - oh, you should probably just follow the link for the lowdown on this one. Watch out for its preferred plural.

Who I am

For as long as I can remember, I've always been most comfortable expressing myself in writing. This was certainly true when we started dating in high school, and it has never changed. It seems to me that you wrote letters back to me back then, too, but I could be remembering wrong. There have been quite a few sleeps since then.

You haven't said it, but I agree that you shouldn't have to read my blog to find out what I'm thinking and feeling. That is part of why I enjoy marriage encounter's dialogue process: it gives us a chance to share our selves with each other one-to-one. It eliminates the assumption that communication is just going to happen all by itself when it far more commonly gets lost in the shuffle of our busy lives. But you hate that approach, and I would rather suffer for myself than pressure you into an unpleasant experience every day, especially when you've already given it a fair try.

It's probably irrelevant that if you had a blog where you shared what was on your mind, I would read it religiously. If you enjoyed expressing yourself that way, we wouldn't be at odds in this area.

I feel lonely

When I shared what I was dealing with on my most difficult day of the year, I really didn't expect to get my balls busted for it. It underscores for me how hopeless I am of ever being one with anyone again in all four areas: spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, physically.

Maybe I never have been.

Lord, help me to remember that the unity for which I long can only truly be found in You, and that your longing for it on my behalf far exceeds my own.

A not-awful day

I had to put it aside and get on with things in order for it to get better.

The morning started off pretty darkly, and if I'd kept up with just stewing in my thoughts it would have ended that way, too. After all, by the end of the day two of my girls had made all the time and effort for me that it took them to send a text, and one of them should never be expected to make any time or effort for me anyway. But this would have bothered me much more had I just been moping already.

I suppose the transition started by going to mass again. Prior to that I was pretty emotionally wracked, resisting the day amid my usual dynamic of being certain that I don't deserve to be celebrated as a dad. When my wife started talking about where she might take me out for Father's Day, I know that my response took her aback: "You know I just try to survive this day, right?" Then I quietly went downstairs and cried for a few moments.

It's clear that she doesn't understand the struggle. I'm not sure she understands how severely damaging my actions were. So I'm glad that our parish doesn't so much honor us on Father's Day as simply pray over us.

After my wracked tears, I dried my eyes and put the finishing touches on getting ready. Once at church, my emotions settled down pretty well, and I was able to enjoy the homily to which I'd only been able to give passing attention the previous evening as I tried to keep our youngest granddaughter from being excessively distracting to our side of the church. When our middle daughter and her husband inquired after the service about getting together, my wife invoked my earlier response to her in dismissing their suggestion, to which I wasn't really averse.

The evening and morning had been dry after a rain-filled Saturday morning and afternoon, so when we got home I checked the status of the yard. It seemed dry enough to allow me to mow, even the back, which'd had me worried. Since I wasn't sure if I'd get another shot at it before more rain rolls into the area, I got right on the chore. It was a hot early afternoon, but the job went smoothly.

After finishing the grass, I saw that my wife had responded to a FB message from our youngest daughter looking for someone to join her and the kids for an early dinner out, asking me if I wanted to do so. I agreed, especially as I knew it wouldn't be too fancy or expensive. Clancy's was the plan, and middle daughter and her husband agreed to join us. The timing was perfect, because I needed to take time to finish up with our evaluation of this month's budget. By the time I emerged from the shower to leave, the youngest had cancelled because the kids needed a nap, so it would be just the four of us. Before we left I made sure to announce my intentions for a bike ride afterward. It wasn't clear that the weather was going to cooperate, but after enjoying a more leisurely meal than we'd planned due to slow delivery of our food - though it was still nice to hang out together - the cloud cover had given way and it was a quite nice late afternoon.

I did have a slight - and welcome - delay before setting out on my ride, and the evening weather was quite nice. Based on a known wash-out in the path to the east, I decided to head toward town. I figured I could get as far as the bridge across the river for a short jaunt north, but I also only intended to be out for an hour. The direction ended up being convenient, as there was a fairly stiff and steady westerly wind, so I worked into it on the way downtown and would have it at my back on the way home. I wasn't watching the time or the distance very closely when I hit a flooded section of the path about a half mile before the switchback for the bridge, it seemed like a good turn-around point. It turned out to be perfect, as it made for a 17-mile ride in just over an hour.

In the absence of making me a "nice dessert" as I'd suggested for the day - since I'm the only one of us capable of actually, you know, planning ("in advance" being redundant) - the mrs. took my fall-back suggestion and picked us up the peach cobbler from City Barbecue to finish the day off. A second shower had me ready for a good night's sleep. My legs and stomach didn't completely cooperate, unfortunately; I was short a full meal on the day, and when my restless, tired limbs awoke me around 12:30 my belly announced its dissatisfaction, too, so I had a quick snack before returning to sleep for the night.

how can this day still catch me off guard?

God, please get me through another one.

Rain

rain

rain

rain


At this rate, I should be able to mow the back yard again sometime in July.

It was *so* nice to have the money

Just sunk 4 bills into my car. Exhaust leak repaired, tie rod end replaced, tires for front, alignment, oil change.

Had the money to pay for it.

Now need to replenish the emergency fund. But an unexpected refund from our homeowners insurance, following an adjustment based on a review last month, covered half of it.

I guess we're being unclear

"We only watch the kids while you work."

So why, then, does mom get a text close to midnight that you're stuck in traffic due to an accident on a street that isn't on the way from work to our house?

Okay, your friends are celebrating their baby adoption. You didn't have to go to the hospital after work on a work night to be with them while we continued to watch your kids on a work night. You probably assumed that, if you asked, we'd say no. If so, you're probably right. That's why we want to transition from being your child care provider to being just grandparents again. An hour or two of being with your kids so you can hang out with your friends is way different from an extra hour or two after we've already watched them for twelve hours.

The four walls

Dave Ramsey says that the first priority, before undertaking any of the baby steps, is to take care of the "four walls" of the household: food, shelter (and basic utilities), clothing, and basic transportation.

Even if you're not following Financial Peace University in an effort to accomplish the baby steps, this seems like a good starting point for evaluating the physical well-being of household. These "walls" don't address emotional or other important needs, but if you aren't taking care of them you shouldn't reach the conclusion that you and your family are "okay."

Today's words

Okay, I'm not going to list all the new ones in this cool blog post, several of which were familiar to me, and a couple of which were new but obvious. I have recently wished, on multiple occasions, that a word like antepenultimate existed, and now it will enter my active vocabulary - unlike most of the words in the post.

For me, a lot

So, Friday night included a beer and a couple swigs of moonshine. Saturday included a Maker's Mark at Steve and Jodi's, a generous pour of Tanqueray on the rocks at the reception followed by a glass of champagne. Today I drank one of Teri's Mike's hard black cherry lemonades when there wasn't anything made up to pour after my drink.

I haven't been anywhere near inebriated all weekend, though.

An exceptional day

It felt *so* nice to be included in Ashley and Garrett's celebration. Especially when we saw the size of the event, we felt truly special. And for Hannah to be included, too, really made the event for us. We danced more than we ever have, because she was on the floor most of the evening. We all had such a blast, and got to spend it with such wonderful company, including the Berent clan, John and Rita McGinn, Mary and Rita Heider, the Nixes - with whom we had a drink between the service and the reception,too - and of course the Huber family.

Dreams go by

The first track on Greatest Stories Live is all the reminder I need of why I've stopped listening to Harry Chapin.

(especially alone)

A funny, off-color toast, but a reminder therein

As we were passing around the white lightning as the lightning crackled through the sky last night, each one sharing a toast as it was our turn to drink, one of the guys shared this, "as my great grandma told me on her death bed:

"Remember the storks, which bring the good babies,
and remember the ravens, which bring the bad babies,
and remember the swallows, which bring no babies at all."

Now, it was a joke, and it was funny, and I laughed with the rest (though I'm pretty sure my wife hadn't joined the circle yet). But I've been reflecting a lot lately on how we've turned the pleasure of our sexuality into its purpose. Don't get me wrong: I'm not suggesting that each act of sex should have the goal of conception, nor that couples who can't (or mustn't) conceive shouldn't have sex or take appropriate action when they do. But that doesn't mean I'm not aware of the attitude that a baby is an undesirable outcome of the expression of our love, or worse, the ultimate damper on our fun. This separation of sex from procreation is at the root of a vast set of misunderstandings we have about ourselves and our world. Pope Paul VI was prophetic when he wrote of the fruit that the contraceptive mindset would bear. We must be careful, even when our circumstances compel us to choose in apparent diversion from the ideal, not to let this choice erode the sanctity of our sexual nature as couples and as a culture.

I'm not so good at that.

Revelatory contrasts

A hurting family, and a joyful one:

Of course, we can be mostly one and still know some of the other. I think that most of us have a mix of these two things in our lives. The beloved family who is grieving their son's death has mixed amid their anguish the joy he brought to their lives, the memories of the precious person he is, and the belief that he is now set free of his failings to be in God's presence for all eternity.  The beloved family celebrating their daughter's wedding is grieving the absence of the son who isn't here because he was unwilling or unable to manage his leave requests such that he could be with them.

It has been good for us, in this week in which we have been hurting with the first family to also celebrate our love for and with them. It will be good, too, when rejoicing with the second family today to share in their twinge of emptiness.

Knowing that God is self-sufficient can leave us with the impression that God is free from pain and grief, even if we look at the cross and know otherwise, because we associate these things with lack, and we know that God has no lack. But I think that instead we should sometimes - perhaps much more often and more completely - associate them with love, with our union with other hearts. And God is love.

My brain keeps going "yeah, but . . . "

The latest one is this quote from a new friend's post: a few bad chapters does not mean your story is over.

Two compliments this week

This week included the day which I had long ago recognized as my personal annual d-day if there is ever going to be one, on which I might hold to a minimum the long term pain of making a stupid and self-absorbed decision. It isn't that I am looking to make such a decision, but rather putting even the possibility off to this one occasion of the year helps me dismiss any thought patterns that might lead me there. I find it ironic and perhaps providential that this week I have received two incredible compliments which have been building me up.

The first came on Tuesday, when a young woman of faith whom we have watched grow up in our parish shared a birthday blessing, telling me that because of me she knows it is sometimes possible to tell just by looking at someone that they know Jesus. She said that for as long as she can remember she has watched me radiate God's love, joy and peace in a way that few can. I know I don't get the slightest bit of credit for that grace, for it is the work of God. But I am so grateful that he has let his light shine through me in this way, even though I have not known it.

The second was today after Jesse's Mass of Christian Burial. Our music director told me how much she enjoys working with me, how easy I make things for her. I know she's a stickler for good worship and excellence in music, and this compliment means all the more because of her high standards.

God is so good, to allow us to participate in and radiate his glory!

Bidding farewell

Today we said our final goodbyes to Jesse, and placed him in the Lord's loving arms. We believe that is where he keeps us all, so that we will never be fully separated from him.

He was trying to turn his life around, and just didn't quite get there before the damage he'd done to himself caught up to him. He is healed, now, no longer addicted and broken. There remains for us the sadness of seeing his daughters grow up without their dad, but since he wasn't married to either of their moms, there is also the hope of the Lord will providing for each of them a dad who will care for them as his own. And there is the knowledge that there are two generations of grandparents and aunts and uncles who will continue to pour love into their lives.

I know that his parents will carry their pain for a very long time; in some ways it will never be gone from them, though it will not always be as acute as it is today. I am so grateful to have been able to minister to them in music, and especially to have been able to help their dear friends express their love in song, too.