Identity

When we identify ourselves with our shortcomings, we give them a foothold over us that becomes so entrenched that we don't even recognize that this identification is a lie. In his videos for the Unbound: Freedom in Christ seminar, Neal Lozano talks about a prayer experience in which he was being prayed for, well before his ministry developed, and the prayer leader asked him if he "felt that?" Until that moment, he'd always assumed that the "that" which he felt was just a natural part of him, but it was not really a part of his own identity.

Sometimes our self-identification can be an excuse to not be the son or daughter that we know we're being called to be. That can take many forms.

Conclusion

God is pursuing you. In His outstretched hands are all the good things a Father wants to share with His children: our adoption as sons and daughters. The Father's broken, yet joyful, heart. The Father's embrace. The ring, the robe, and the sandals. The invitation to worship in the Spirit and in truth. Above all, Jesus' promise to restore us to the Father . . . . I pray that you have begun to discover a loving Father who is pursuing you and drawing you to Himself. The Father desires intimacy with you. Now is the time for you to take hold of your inheritance as a child of God; now is the time for you to take hold of that for which Christ has taken hold of you. - Neal Lozano, Abba's Heart

I should have known that Neal would wrap this up powerfully. He finishes with some practical tools for entering into the Father's joyful, loving heart. To summarize them would be an injustice.

Buy this book, read it, and know how pleased your loving Father is with you, beloved daughter, beloved son. Be drawn into His abundant love.

The end of perfectionism?

It appears that this job may make me more humble by disabusing me of the notion that mistakes from inattentiveness to detail are things that other people make.

Sometimes I don't understand some people

So I know this grandmother who has had a bunch of stuff from her daughter (and her daughter's family) sort of laying around the house for quite some time now. Some of this stuff is no longer of any use to her daughter or to anyone else in the family. So the grandmom, sensibly enough, decides to sell it and at least get a few dollars out of it. She's selling some other items, too, that are her own.

I asked this grandmother how she was keeping track of the money she gets for her daughter's things, so that she could pass the money along to her. The daughter is a single mom now, and can use the money, even if she does appear to spend some of her own money in ways that the grandmother probably considers frivolous. 

I was kind of surprised and disappointed when the grandmother looked at me as if I had two heads. The concept seemed completely alien to her.

Today's word

noetic /noh-ET-ik/ - of, relating to, or based on the intellect

I might find this adjective handy someday. I can think of a few times that I might have used it in the past, had it been in my vocabulary . . . 

A general principle greater than any quotation

I keep scouring this chapter from Abba's Heart on forgiveness for that one quotation that leaps off the page and says, "Yes, this thought is the fresh insight that encapsulates this truth." And I just can't find any combination of Neal's sentences that accomplishes that.

But the one concept that he expresses that I love is the idea that unforgiveness is such a blocker for us spiritually because it is a rejection of the very nature of Jesus Himself. It isn't that "The vindictive Father will refuse to forgive you if you refuse to forgive others." It is that it is impossible to enter the Father's forgiving, merciful heart - on display in Jesus' tortured, lifeless body hanging on the cross - and to simultaneously keep our own hearts closed off by invoking on others the judgment which we ourselves deserve. I cannot receive God's mercy while I withhold it from others, and if I receive God's mercy I won't knowingly withhold it from others.

Now, there may be a number of reasons why I do so unknowingly. For instance, events from years or decades ago may have influenced our lives in ways that feel like part of ourselves, so we don't recognize anymore that we need to forgive the classmate who shunned us, the girl- or boyfriend who broke our heart, the parent who taught us to be so self-judgmental, or the sibling who belittled us. Or, I may have sincerely tried on my own to forgive an offense that hurt me more deeply, for which I need to enter into God's protective heart to sufficiently feel safe and be healed to be able to sincerely wish blessings for the person who hurt me. But unforgiveness for any reason is an impediment to God's liberating power. Fortunately, it need not be. God is eager to help us welcome our prodigal brother home.

For the life of me, I can't seem to remember the name of the young man with whom our daughter was living six months ago, who responded to their breakup by stealing household goods she needed to care for her children. I can picture him with his motorcycle, bandanna around his head, and clearly see his face in my mind's eye, yet his name escapes me even though I thought I'd never forget it. My heart wants to rage against him, on behalf of my daughter and her children, "Whatever the two of you went through, why would you take this out on my grandchildren!" Instead, I find I must lift up this clearly wounded young man, whose name the Father has etched on His own heart, and ask Him to bring him home.

As much progress as I sometimes think that I have made in the area of forgiveness, other people come to mind for whom I know I must also pray.

Today's word

canaille /kuh-NYE/ - 1 : rabble, riffraff  2 : proletarian

One of the examples uses the term beau monde. I knew both pieces, but didn't have a sense what "beautiful world" might refer to, so:

beau monde /boh MAHND/ - the world of high society and fashion

My fate?

From an article I just read: If life really is a story about how we become more like ourselves year after year, Kobe Bryant left us with the most human performance a man could muster.

I sincerely hope that's not what life is.

Continuing with authority

I don't know that I will keep blogging from this wonderful book, Abba's Heart. It just seems as if I may have reached content that is best shared in the context of the rest of the book. However, I had begun one entry before I reached this point, about which I haven't had time to finish writing, and which seems well aligned with my most recent posts from the book. In this chapter, Neal has moved from general principles of authority to specific truths about the Father's authority that guide us as we walk in the delegated authority of sons and daughters that has now been restored to us. Each of these underscores a point which Neal has previously made: no matter what our personal experiences may have taught us to the contrary, authority is not evil. In fact, the Father's authority in particular is immeasurably, indescribably good.

The Father's authority is compassionate. I believe we see an example of this in the Holy Father's most recent encyclical. But in countless examples from the Gospels we see how Jesus repeatedly responds to those who are in difficult circumstances by putting the hurting individual's needs first. As he feeds the hungry, cures the sick, and raises the dead - even as he teaches the crowds - he is moved by compassion. Yet he never compromises the truth to do so: he doesn't tell the woman caught in adultery, the Samaritan woman at the well, or the tax collectors with whom he eats that it's okay to continue in sinful patterns of behavior.

The Father's authority is humble. Jesus doesn't shirk the Father's plan, even at the ultimate personal cost. I often wonder: how completely did the human Jesus have faith in his own resurrection? Was there ever doubt mingled with the anxious - even fearful - anticipation of the cup which he accepted in the Garden of Gethsemane? In front of Pilate, but before as well, he clearly he understood that he wasn't to be the sort of Messiah that his Hebrew brethren expected. His kingdom was to be greater, yet not an earthly kingdom. And Neal points out that Jesus' humility is rooted in understanding who He is in relationship with the Father. The same is true of our own humility - when it is true, rather than an excuse to not do that to which we are called.

Acting with authority releases power. When we are moved by these two characteristics to exercise the authority which God bestows on us according to His plan for our lives, powerful, wonderful things happen. In the context of Unbound deliverance ministry, the Holy Spirit moves in ways we would never expect to deliver God's sons and daughters from bondage that has held them back for their whole lives!

Perhaps I will yet share another post or two from this book, on the topic of forgiveness. It's a theme on which I've written on many occasions, but as you might imagine, Neal addresses aspects of it that are particularly relevant to our relationship with the Father.

Hiding an emotional flashback

It was an innocent, offhand, smart aleck comment. My coworker complimented my vision, observing, "You have good eyes." Of course, the glasses I've worn since I was eight years old attest otherwise, and even my near vision is corrected by bifocals, but I do have excellent computer vision. Apparently, blocked from my sight by my cube wall, one of my other office mates happened to be looking in his direction, so he nervously explained, "No, I mean, good eyesight. I'm not saying he has cute eyes!"

We all had a laugh as my coworker realized that he'd gone from bad to worse. As we were about to be alone in the office area, he suggested that my office mate who was leaving the area "Just turn off the lights on your way out," with a laugh.

After a brief survey of our locations, I observed, "Oh jeez, and you're between me and the door."

I hope my smile didn't falter at the awful memory that evoked.

I'm actually a little nauseated by that hopeless, helpless feeling.

I hate that I ever made someone feel anything similar to that. I know I'm forgiven for it, though, and beyond grateful that we're reconciled.

Forgiving a lost boy

There's more stuff I still want to comment on concerning the nature of the Father's authority, especially its compassionate and humble nature. But having read on from there, today I find myself reflecting on the spiritual key of forgiveness.

As I've kept reading on this topic, covered so thoroughly in Neal's other books, and scouring my mind for who it is I still haven't forgiven, because I have just known there was still someone. But I couldn't think of who it was, for the life of me. I've forgiven people for such a variety of hurts in which they played a role, intentionally, cooperatively, incidentally, or unknowingly. I've even forgiven myself, following my loved ones' forgiveness, for such deep harm that I've done to myself and those I love.

This morning, after wracking my brain, I finally realized the one person I'm still struggling to forgive, and why. There's something that I still can't quite forgive myself for, from that long-ago Thanksgiving weekend in NYC. After he had abused me for the first time in our room at the YMCA, I can't seem to forgive myself for climbing into his bed later that night, my arousal unmistakable, inviting him to do so again, giving him the rationale he needed for the next twenty months of abusing me.

I've forgiven him, although maybe I need to pray more for him. He didn't understand the harm he was doing. But I still don't seem to have forgiven me, even though I was just a confused kid - both by his design and in my dependence on him - who knew so much less than I know now.

No wonder I remain stuck here.

Right place, right time

I wasn't sure why I asked my wife to bring my copy of Abba's Heart for me to take with us to our Marriage Encounter area board meeting last night. The business of the meeting - discerning new area coordinators for the NKY-Cincinnati-Dayton region - was going to take a lot of the time of the meeting, and the discernment process doesn't provide much opportunity for input outside of its own flow. This is partly out of a desire to avoid the influences of ambition and popularity. I suppose I just wanted to let people know about this wonderful book, if the chance came up.

This was our fourth ME discernment meeting: two for circle leadership (the first of which my wife missed), and two for area coordinators (one for Dayton, one for Cincinnati). Three of these four have resulted in only one couple being willing to serve in the role being discerned. Ideally, at least two couples will be willing to serve.

We began with a period of affirmation, in which we took turns affirming each couple there for some gift we saw in them. Interestingly, at least twice when I was getting ready to affirm one of the couples, another couple affirmed them for the same thing. I noticed the couple who led the discernment taking notes to ensure that each couple present was affirmed for some gift they bring to the community. The introductory remarks gave us the opportunity to write down the challenges or reluctances that would tend to cause each of us to withhold our willingness to be discerned as coordinators. We then prayerfully turned these over to God to overcome our reservations. The current ecclesial team leaders and outgoing area coordinators discussed their own concerns with accepting their roles, and the biggest surprise blessings they encountered when they stepped out in faith. I realized that there were some words I'd recently read in Abba's Heart that seemed particularly relevant, but there was not a good opportunity to offer it in the context of the presentation. We then had a brief dialogue question, after which each couple indicated on paper whether they were willing to be discerned as area coordinators.

We were there primarily to prayerfully support the process; geographical concerns alone would have precluded us from serving in this role for this community. If we have a separate discernment later for Dayton area coordinators, we may respond differently. We were surprised when the couple leading the discernment announced that no couples had agreed to serve in this role for the Cincinnati area. They shared another passage of Scripture, and were preparing to ask us to please go off as couples and reconsider, in light of the fact that no one had stepped forward, whether we might be being called to serve after all. But before they sent us off, I now asked permission to share something briefly. It turns out that I still had the page marked, intending to share about it here when I got the chance:

God will not give us more responsibility without the grace we need, and He will be with us to accomplish the task. That is why it is exciting to work with what the Father gives us. We are never alone. We have the joy of fellowship with the Lord. As we take responsibility for our lives, we will get to know the Father and grow in our identities as His children. 

An increase in responsibility is an opportunity to depend on God. When you exercise your authority, it brings you closer to the One who gave it to you. You were created to represent God in service to others: "For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (Eph 2:10)

Faithfulness releases God's power and authority through us to extend His Kingdom, and it comes through service. To be a son or daughter does not mean hiding from an increase in responsibility. It means taking one's place at the Father's right hand, serving with His authority. It means going lower in humility with Jesus to wash the feet of others. When we do the Father's will, we become more intimate with His heart for others. Whatever God has given you to do, He has also given you the authority and power to carry it out.

When we next returned, a couple had stepped forward to serve. I'd like to be able to say that we were willing, too, if we had been discerned, that we had sufficient trust in God and the community to not put us in a position we clearly understood that we shouldn't have been in, and to equip us to overcome the obstacles if we were chosen. I'd even like to think that we would trust each other enough that, in the potential upcoming discernment for our own area coordinators, we would be willing to serve. I'm not at all certain that we do. I find this disappointing, and I'm glad that someone doesn't read my blog. I don't love her any less for it, and I also don't want her to think that she's the only one with reservations.

Interestingly, in our dialogue we each invoked a familiar image. I talked about the feeling of jumping out of an airplane, and she talked about being on a high dive. And it fits us, somehow, that I did, and she doesn't. I want her to know that she won't have to jump alone.