Holy Hunger

"For paradise we long. For perfection we were made. We don't know what it would look or feel like, but we must settle for nothing less. This longing is the source of the hunger and dissatisfaction that mark our lives; it drives our ambition." - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus, Death on a Friday Afternoon

Much to my surprise, I keep being led to reflect on passages in this book that I've never written about before. Not exclusively, but still. 

For most sins, it's easy to see something good that has been corrupted. They tend to represent some basic human need that has become a disproportionate priority. Each of the seven deadly sins has a corresponding virtue identified as its cure or counterpart. Those virtues are not the need grown out of control, but the approach to bringing balance back into our lives. While Fr. Neuhaus isn't specifically calling out sin here, what he's expressing is the longing that can lead to several of the deadly sins, including greed, gluttony, envy, and lust. And he seems to be saying to be careful not to throw the baby out with the disgusting bath water. 

"The hunger is for nothing less than paradise, nothing less than perfect communion with the Absolute--with the Good, the True, the Beautiful--communion with the perfectly One in whom all the fragments of our scattered existence come together at last and forever. We must not stifle this longing. It is a holy dissatisfaction. Such dissatisfaction is not a sickness to be healed, but the seed of a promise to be fulfilled." - ibid.

Don't let the longing grow out of proportion into sin, but neither squelch it out. I've skipped the part about how our friendships and loves are unsatisfactory, less than whole efforts to fulfill this longing, because to me it's more important to remember how they give us the greatest satisfaction when we receive them in the context of the greater longing for the Perfect. Each time we allow God's love to form a relationship in our lives we must avoid the temptation to grasp it and twist it into something that meets only our needs and desires. When we do, we find that those become part of how God works in and through us to create a fellowship that is the smallest insight into the perfect one we will finally enter into one day. Sometimes we are privileged to work on the twisted parts of those relationships and let God make them more conducive to his plan for our eternal lives.

When I come back to read these words, I want to remember that they were written in a time of great turmoil, as Russia has invaded the Ukraine. Even Putin's desire to recreate (his flawed recollections of) Soviet glory has roots in something not entirely evil. Our battle is still spiritual, as is our enemy. (That doesn't at all mean that we should let him have his way.) Even though I am now too old to be required to fast on this Ash Wednesday, I have entered into prayer and fasting anyway, and am offering the hunger in my belly as a further prayer for the protection of the people of Ukraine and an unlikely change of heart for those who have undertaken this invasion.

Envying the "Good Thief"

I'm not leading off this post with a quotation right now, and if you just read one it's because I came back in and added it when I get that far in the book. Also, I've written a little about this thought before, from a different angle. But I have been thinking about the implications of yesterday's post and wanted to capture this thought.

I think it says a lot about our miscomprehension of sin that we either begrudge or envy those who experience deathbed conversions. "They're sneaking in at the last minute!" we protest, "It isn't fair!" When he told us that we can only enter the kingdom as little children, this isn't what the Lord meant! In fact, Jesus told an entire long parable about this issue so that we wouldn't miss the point. Still, we don't get it.

Maybe that's partly because, due to the creation narrative concerning our fall from grace, we view work as a necessary evil that we must bear, so neither we nor the workers in the parable consider meaningful labor as God's gift to us. Even when it's the incredible opportunity to share God's love with the beloved, we think of the labor as a chore. And secondly, because we have partaken of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (really? four "of's" in one phrase?) we decide for ourselves that sin is pleasant to engage in, and even good for us. As a result, we are jealous of those who "get" to partake in sin their whole lives and never "have to" do any work to promote the kingdom, yet still manage to squeak into "their heavenly reward" at the very end of their lives. 

I could offer the concept of Purgatory as a solution to this issue, and as a Catholic I believe it's a valid one with a good Scriptural foundation. But I think the point that Fr. Neuhaus is going to make, probably somewhere in this chapter, is a more pertinent one. The truth is that God has not and will not withhold from us anything that is truly good for us. He may be in the business of using even our sin to achieve his purposes, to bring us to our senses so we return home to him. But we are still better off when we choose to walk with him at every opportunity. The real reward of serving God in his kingdom and knowing his love even while we walk on this earth is that we get to know and serve God, which is a greater joy and blessing than any sinful temptation. 

And doing so doesn't make us less of an undeserving recipient of grace that the good thief or deathbed confessor. It just allows us to receive more joy as we journey through this world toward our eternal home.

Another lie

They've been the same from the very beginning, but what they all come down to is:

It's okay to decide for yourself (or, to all of humanity, among yourselves) what is right and what is wrong. 

Isn't that the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil? But what is the true, long-term fruit of that tree? Isn't it relativism?

I prefer to trust in my loving Father, who both knows and truly wants what is best for me, rather than in the mass of humanity whose chief interest lies in each of ourselves.

So when humanity insists that my sin is not so bad, a normal part of human nature, or even laudable and beneficial, it might appeal to my natural - and, I should be honest: selfish - inclinations. But it will not ultimately result in my becoming the person my loving Father dreams for me to become: the image and bodily presence of His beloved Son.

The arrogance of self-determinism underlies all the deadly sins and undermines all virtue.

Lies which the evil one uses

All of his lies are intended to make us disbelieve either our identity as God's children or our destiny in living in His love. In the broadest sense, they include:

• God's blessings are burdens.
• The things and actions from which God tells us to abstain are blessings.
• The remarkable things God has done in others' lives are beyond us.
• We are incapable of that to which God calls us.
• God's timeless truth is outdated ignorance.
• We have plenty of time to be obedient and trust Him. "It can wait."
• Living for the moment means putting off God's will for later.
• My sins are greater than others'.
• The particular way that I am disregarding God is not that important.
• A small and understandable disobedience is no big deal.
• Other's sins are greater than mine (or mine isn't really a sin).

(The critical reader may note that there is significant overlap among these.) Now, the specifics to which our adversary applies these lies vary greatly from one person to the next. But the general theme of them is the same in all of our lives, and they are all intended to keep us from embracing our identity and our destiny of beloved sons and daughters of a Father who knows what is truly best for us and reveals it through His Word and His Church.

So whether the thing with which we compromise be connected to lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, or pride, let us renounce the lie beneath it and embrace God's greater plan for us as sons and daughters destined for eternal holiness.

Measuring progress

Over four weeks now. Some days I feel confident, others I'm sure I'm going to fail. Both types of days, God has reminded me to depend on Him.

Another dream

I'm not sure what to make of them. I certainly know not to conclude that I'm gay. 

So far, I am not letting them lead me into fantasy, but trusting in God's revealed plan for my life.

I've been doing so well

After my dream this morning, I feel as if I'm clinging to the edge by my fingernails.

Grace. Must remember that it isn't me, it's God.

Disturbing dream

The dream was graphic. I'm not including the details, but still, you should stop reading if you don't want to know this about me.

In it, I was visiting my uncle, who was still alive. In my dream, he shared the long-term obsession from which I've felt the Lord has been delivering me for the last month or so. In my dream, I shared with him where I think that obsession came from and why it was so hurtful to me.

At first he was patient with me, understanding that I didn't want to give in to this desire. But eventually he tempted me anyway. I resisted by saying that I would feel like a piece of defecatory material if I did. He replied that this was the purpose of it. Then I woke up.

The first thing I realized was that my uncle is still dead. I miss him so much, and he would never have done anything like this to me.

The second thing I remembered was to interpret dreams as if every element represents me in some way. That actually fit, especially the reminder at the end, which is very important for me to remember!

The third thing I remembered was to ask God to help me in my weakness.

(Added: The aftermath of this dream is that this temptation that had been so far removed from my thoughts for the last month has been in the forefront of my mind all day. Failure feels inevitable again.)

Measuring progress - days become weeks

21, so 3.

I don't expect I'll post about this on a weekly basis, at least not for long. But for now, it's good to keep reminding myself how God continues to provide grace. I'm still weak, but am trying to trust Him each day. 

If there's a next time I post about this, I'll have to drop the label "Lent" . . . 

Safe for another year

So many birthday greetings throughout the day yesterday lifted my spirits by showing me the treasure of friends and family and love with which God blesses me. The low moment toward the end of last night which could have been the beginnings of an invitation to reenter the darkness was met with a clarity of just how much I would be hurting so many people, including those equally vulnerable -- even those who weren't part of my day and whose absence may have been especially acute; I don't love or treasure them any less for it -- were I ever to succumb to it.

It isn't that the day was free of screw up or disappointment or hurt but, in perspective, what day ever is? But God always provides yet greater love and blessings, grace and mercy. His love is unfathomable, even if it is sometimes a challenge for me to remember or believe what great delight He takes in me.

He even got me to my parish in time to receive Benediction last night. What a birthday treat!

I will not fellowship with you . . .

I will not use this current disappointment and self anger as an excuse to engage in habitual sin.

My Exodus

All the day I am ashamed,
  I blush with shame
as they reproach me and revile me,
  my enemies and my persecutors.
All this happened to us,
  but not because we had forgotten you.
We were not disloyal to your covenant;
  our hearts did not turn away;
  our steps did not wander from your path;
and yet you brought us low,
  with horrors all about us:
  you overwhelmed us in the shadows of death. Ps 44: 14-19

For all that the Psalms express what we might be feeling, they also express things that will never be true for me. I will never be able to proclaim my faithfulness to the Lord's covenant. Yet that no longer torments me as it did. I know that the Lord is present with me in the desert, just as Jesus knew that He was present with the Father.

Dear friends, at every moment the earth is full of the mercy of God, and nature itself is a lesson for all the faithful in the worship of God. The heavens, the sea and all that is in them bear witness to the goodness and omnipotence of their Creator, and the marvellous beauty of the elements as they obey him demands from the intelligent creation a fitting expression of its gratitude.

But with the return of that season marked out in a special way by the mystery of our redemption, and of the days that lead up to the paschal feast, we are summoned more urgently to prepare ourselves by a purification of spirit.

The special note of the paschal feast is this: the whole Church rejoices in the forgiveness of sins. It rejoices in the forgiveness not only of those who are then reborn in holy baptism but also of those who are already numbered among God’s adopted children.

Initially, men are made new by the rebirth of baptism. Yet there still is required a daily renewal to repair the shortcomings of our mortal nature, and whatever degree of progress has been made there is no one who should not be more advanced. All must therefore strive to ensure that on the day of redemption no one may be found in the sins of his former life.
  
Dear friends, what the Christian should be doing at all times should be done now with greater care and devotion, so that the Lenten fast enjoined by the apostles may be fulfilled, not simply by abstinence from food but above all by the renunciation of sin. - St. Leo the Great, Pope

I think that it is because our pastors in recent decades have emphasized the three great Lenten practices of prayer, fasting, and almsgiving that I have lost sight, a bit, of a fundamental part of this path to holiness: turning away from sin. Or perhaps it is because I have so consistently failed to do so, despite my intentions.

It is true that we are always to turn from our sin, that this is an every day calling for us. But this season calls us to refocus on that in the context of God's call to us. This time in the desert is part of our Exodus, by which God delivers us from slavery into His kingdom. It is good for me to partake of this manna, which can seem more like drudgery than the gift of God's sustenance, yet the latter is what it truly is.

Looming failure

actually, i have failed already; i just didn't "finish failing," as i tend to think of it. i'm resisting, but not with all i have and not fully relying on my Savior. i'm believing the lies that my failure is inevitable and that this self-indulgent pleasure is desirable, instead of renouncing them.

Stupid brain.

18 days? Really? Is that all the chastity and determination you have? you

Weak excuse of a man.

let me take this moment, then: in the Name of Jesus, i renounce the lie that i will inevitably fail at walking in holiness, and the lie that the pleasure i have sought my whole life is desirable; in the Name of Jesus, i repent of impure thoughts and fantasies, and of self-pleasure; in the Name of Jesus i renounce the spirits of bisexuality, carnality, adultery; in the Name of Jesus, i embrace the truth that i am weak, and i lean on His strength to accomplish in me what i have been unable to accomplish for myself; in the Name of Jesus, i break the hold of any spirit with which i have ever participated in these areas that i have renounced, and i command them to leave right now and never return, in the Authority of Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior.

Resisted temptation grows stronger

I've observed before that yielding to a temptation reduces its apparent strength. Once the adversary has us, there's no need to keep us uncomfortable; he'd rather let us settle snugly into our sin. I've also pointed out that therefore no one has ever known the full power of temptation like Jesus, who never yielded to it. In my best periods, I have never managed to resist temptation for very long; my former sinfulness was so devastating that everything I deal with since seems almost trivial by comparison, and therefore almost not worth battling against. Having been set free, now I'm basically just clinging to Jesus, and feel like I'm doomed to fail anyway.

Yet I know that these last two sentences contain lies of my adversary that I have believed. I renounce them In the Name of Jesus, and repent of the sin I have used them - indeed, cultivated and embraced them - to commit. I forgive those who have instilled them in me.

Through the decades of my life, I've repeatedly seen with discouraging clarity what I was made of. Lord, please show me what You've remade me of, and let me know the strength You bring to those who rely on You in our weakness.

Resisted temptation may grow stronger, at least for a time . . . but so do we!

Finding His strength in my weakness

Every time I repent, forgive, and renounce in Jesus' authority, and receive the Father's blessing - hey, there's all Five Keys! - I feel free. But I'm still weak in the areas in which I've had to repent, just in the flesh rather than in spiritual bondage. And to the degree that I don't lean on Jesus' strength, my weakness will continue to trip me up. But when I know I'm weak, and renounce the lie that this weakness is something other than what it really is, and ask Jesus to supply the strength that I lack, I find a better answer than just continuing to fall.

It was pretty easy to do this when it was obviously a big deal. It's when we believe the lie that some sins are really no big deal that we fail to be transformed the way that He wants for us, in His perfect Love.

Temptation, passion, death, and resurrection

(Depending on the translation,) St. Luke says that, after Jesus' temptation in the desert, the devil left him "for a time," or "for a season," or "until an opportune time." (Lk 4:13) I think the vagueness is likely intentional, and a good thing. We know of at least two later times when Jesus felt tempted: before he rebuked Simon Peter, and of course in Gethsemane the night before his death as he fervently prayed (Lk 22:44) that the Father's will would be done rather than his own. (Scripture does not use the term "temptation" to describe these two incidents, so some might balk at thusly portraying them, at least without the qualification that there is no obligation to interpret them as such. Granted.)

I think we are tempted, as we die to ourselves, to want to rise in the same way that we have just allowed God to put part of us to death. Maybe this was the root of Jesus' temptations, too. He had, in a sense, put to death his heavenly glory to walk with us, and in his humanity maybe he faced a nearly constant temptation to take it back up again. In his case, what he'd given up was a good thing.

In our own lives, we're often called to give things up, some that are good along with the bad, for a variety of reasons. Each of them represents a part of dying in Christ, and each comes with a temptation to look with longing on that which the Father has asked and graced us to lay aside to do His will. Every good thing will be restored to us when we are resurrected in Christ, and every bad thing fully burned away. Meanwhile, we must enter our personal passion in the same way as Jesus, offering his prayer to the Father: not my will, but thine be done.

I'm noticing that physical tension

I've learned what it means.

I'm responding to it proactively rather than letting it continue to build up and drive my choices.

Yes, some energy goes away when I do that, energy that I might have needed following a short night of sleep, but the gain is not worth reentering the dynamic.

It has been a very long time . . .

. . . since I've done anything truly reprehensible - although I'm sure that when I see what I think of as my "smaller sins" in the clear, loving light of God's truth I'll be appalled at how inaccurate that statement is. Still, it feels good to know that I have set boundaries that I remain unwilling to cross even when the temptation to do so may grow strong. And I am grateful to God for the grace that keeps me from giving rein to my more ignoble inclinations.

Today's word

veridical /vuh-RID-ih-kul/ - 1. truthful, veracious  2. not illusory : genuine

I find it helpful, in light of last night's dream of a practice that I am sure is not God's will, that both example sentences in today's WOTD article deal with the fact that our memories and our sensory experiences (and, by extension, so much more that takes place in our minds, including our feelings) can be misleading.

Temptation and Sin

It is said that when we sin, temptation lessens.  For this reason, Jesus alone knows the full weight of temptation, because He never yielded to it. Many others know that power in one area of their lives or another, but perhaps no one but Christ has ever known it in their weakest area.

Or maybe it's also true that, when we sin, that particular temptation grows stronger the next time. Or does it just feel that way because the will is weak in that area? We probably can't be certain.

And it is probably not very useful to dwell on this overmuch.  In either case, it is with the beginnings of gratitude that I observe that purity requires diligence, along with a determination to trust God to do what I never have before. I haven't believed it impossible, but I have dismissed it as less desirable than carnality.