I'm supposed to feel better after a ride, not worse.

But then, what do i expect; not all decisions are under my control.

Stray lamb

Here's a fourth- or fifth- or sixth-hand story from Fr. Dave's homily today from a book he read (so: the priest, the woman, the author, Fr. Dave, me, you), with an implication to me:

A woman who'd drifted away from the Lord during college subsequently went to visit her sister in Colorado, who invited her to attend Sunday Mass with her.  She demurred in favor a ski outing, on which she broke her leg.  The following weekend, she was therefore available when her sister again invited her, where she sat near the  back of the church and heard the visiting priest from Israel share this account of a practice of shepherds from his homeland that goes back for several millenia. When a lamb congenitally tends to stray off, they will break one of its legs.  The shepherd then carries it - picture the lamb riding in the shepherd's folded arms across his chest - as the flock moves around the area.  By the time the leg heals, the lamb has learned to trust the shepherd and the flock for its safety.

The woman with the broken leg accepted this as a clear message from God to her, and subsequently walked much closer with God through her life.

Fr. Dave question for us was whether we have experienced a brokenness that has caused us to feel that God was carrying us close, caring for us, and helping us to rely on him for what we need?

Of course I have.

So why do I still struggle to trust him?

lay it down, lay it down, lay it down, lay it down . . .  
don't measure it, weigh it, appraise it or assay it
just lay it

When I leave the mountain, I'm supposed to remember the reality I saw there.

Why do I feel like this?

Today's word

patagium \puh-TAY-jee-um\ - 1. the fold of skin connecting the forelimbs and hind limbs of some tetrapods (as flying squirrels)  2. the fold of skin in front of the main segments of a bird's wing

Non sequitur

(like crazy)

Progress

I'm really grateful that Thursday nights have taken a step up from "always apart night." But it will be really nice to spend time together the next couple nights away from the television completely.

Now to get to work early for a head start on the day, and maybe I'll be able to ride my bike down to West Carrollton tonight for the play . . .

I am not drinking nearly enough.

Calling

When I read quotes from James Martin (SJ), or Thomas Merton (OCSO), or Martin quoting Merton, about their search for meaningful vocations and how they found them fulfilled, I am filled with wonder and envy.

And am touched, just a little, by the temptation to despair.

A setback averted

It has taken me a couple days to get both a chance and the perspective to write about this one, but I think it was an important moment, perhaps not so much a watershed as a point to which we might need to refer again (and again).


I entered the family room while the tail end of NYC22 was on; I think this was more of a daughter/boyfriend preference than one of my wife's favorites.  As soon as it was over, my daughter chose a recorded show that she and her mom like, but that has never failed to bother me within the first few minutes of viewing.  I've just quit watching shows that bother me, that promote points of view with which I disagree or are about things that I don't want to be about.  Don't get me wrong, it isn't that I've lacked my own worse weaknesses, but at least there was no denying their nature, which is one problem I have with much of what we choose to entertain ourselves with.

So I asked if we could please not watch this program right now, in the hope that we could hang out together.  My daughter quickly stopped the playback.  My wife was distracted by either the phone or the computer, and the show that was now on in the background - with the sound on mute at the time - was one that I don't watch for a completely different reason: the monotonous performance consistently delivered by its lead actor.  After sitting there for about five minutes with no sign that the channel was going to change again, and not willing to beg - again - for the program to be changed to something I might enjoy watching, I went upstairs to get on the computer.

At that point, I was pretty disappointed in how the evening was going, and what it meant in our larger context.  I'd thought that we'd been making progress, but was becoming afraid that we were slipping back into separateness.

A few minutes later, I heard a call from downstairs (I usually hate that, though I do it sometimes, too, and probably would have especially done so in these circumstances, so this didn't bother me) asking me if I was coming back down, to which I replied that it depended on what we would be watching.  I was pleasantly surprised to be told that they were trying to figure that out. So we watched a program that I personally would have probably been neutral about, but at least it was tolerable and we were able to spend an hour of the evening together.

A nice day

Nice progress on things at work yesterday, and a break from what has been some frantic activity for a couple days to let me focus on other parts of my job.

Dinner at the home of good friends as Teri prepared to babysit so they could go to a concert on a rare night out together (really wish I could do this for my friends who live out of town!).

A short choir rehearsal, with an interesting new arrangement of an old piece (Wade in the Water) - so fun that I don't even mind (much) that there's no guitar part - and concluding with me signing up to cant at mass this weekend for the first time in, I dunno, maybe years!

A chat with Hannah on the computer.  Hard to believe the girl can communicate so well by keyboard when she's only 6.

My first Mythbusters episode of the new season (Duct Tape Island, and it was about time!).

Another Orioles win I didn't expect (and didn't see).  (Though it is sad that they've gotten to the point over the last 15 years that our expectations are so low.  Still, it's early in the season, and hope remains seductive even as perennial disappointment has hardened us.)

An exhilarating Capitals win in game 7 on the road in OT, which I didn't expect and did see (well, the last 23 minutes of, at least!).

A peaceful and thankful sense, in the midst of these latter 3, that while it was nice for a rare evening to be able to view what I wanted - or to not have to be antisocial to do it, at least, which is a choice I don't like to make - I wouldn't want to live so independently for an extended time.

Teri getting her flight booked to visit our sweet young grandchildren - even if I am disappointed that I can't go, too, especially as it now looks as if they're not going to be able to come here before they go to Hawaii.

(Lord, if I could ask one blessing for today: please let there be more time and conversation with people I love!)


(As I read back over this, there seem to be a lot of negative even among some of the good things.  Am I not fully appreciating the blessings, or am I just being honest about the fact that, while there were many gifts, life isn't perfect?  Must keep an eye on this.)

Today's word

cahoot - partnership, league — usually used in plural

In fact, the only reason I've put it hear is that I'd never encountered the singular before.

Mystified

With about a dozen programs on the DVR that I haven't seen (including probably eight Mythbusters, a show which bores my wife; I get that, and wouldn't have inflicted one on her in these circumstances), I can't figure out why she would insist on watching a rerun of a program we both saw already in what she knew would be our only hour of viewing together - well, for that matter, of being in one another's company - last night.

What kind of fool am I?

This morning, I woke up from the sort of dream that I've always felt reassured by not having before.

I suppose it doesn't really change anything, but it was still (something, and that makes it) scary and it has implications.

God, please help me just continue to choose to be the person I should be.

So tired

I must stop waking up every few hours throughout the night.

And I must especially stop waking up disturbed.

Balancing

That said, I think we - the more introspective of us, at least; maybe everyone isn't so driven in this area - have a legitimate need to express our innermost self, and sometimes there may be reasons why the partner to whom we have committed our lives may not be the best person to share all of those things with.  Even if he or she may wish to fill that role for us, not every spouse is equipped to receive us without feeling threatened, no matter how committed the partners might be to each other and no matter how much we might try to share our selves in a nurturing and nonthreatening way.

The first priority when facing such conflicting needs must be our partner's needs, especially for security.  But our own need for expression and sharing cannot lie very far behind it.  It falls to us to first make every opportunity to reinforce the former, then find an outlet for the latter that is non-indulgent and holds no risk of creating emotional distance - let alone harm - between us.

For instance, there was a time when I was convinced that my wife didn't "get me."  I've long since learned that this judgment was part of how I promoted my self-esteem at her expense, and no longer need or want to put her down in that way nor seek to exalt the selfish parts of myself.  Nonetheless, she has made clear - in so many words - that there are some parts of me that simply don't interest her, both personal interests and aspects of my self that don't appeal to her.  If I insist that she cannot embrace me without becoming more accepting of these interests and traits because of how fundamentally I may view them as a part of myself, I am only going to create a greater gulf between us by fomenting resentment and insecurity in both our hearts.

So I must lay those things down.

Today's word

pace \PAY see\ - contrary to the opinion of — usually used as an expression of deference to someone's contrary opinion

Exhausted

I can't think of the last time I was so exhausted for such good cause.  Stayed up late last night watching a movie with the grandchildren.  Took the teenaged grandsons paintballing after Mass today.  I am completely wiped.

Busy week

I expected that, in the absence of organized activities early on, I figured this week would be a breeze.  So much for expectations.

Sunday night I knew we had set up a music rehearsal for our Thursday meeting, so I was already counting on that being a lost night.  Monday night I did the taxes.  (Phew; I was worried I was going to have to file for an extension.)  Since we had no prayer group Tuesday night, I ended up taking my longest bike ride in 20 months.  I sure hope I get to build on that.  It sure made for a lousy night's sleep, though!  Wednesday we had a fairly shortish choir rehearsal, after which I basically had to occupy myself.  Thursday's quarterly prayer and praise gathering was wonderful though I do think we need to work on a couple things, including developing the gifts that we claim to be about developing.  If the same "old timers" are sharing each time, we're doing something wrong.  But it was especially wonderful to introduce this new group of musicians to a different way of leading worship, and to see our praise of God reach new heights as we each offered our talents to his glory!

Then last night was the Elizabeth's New Life Center banquet.  The main speaker was once the business manager of several abortion clinics in the Dallas/Fort Worth area.  Her sharing of the agenda which those who are in the abortion business take into the school environment was chilling and enraging.  Her insight into the brokenness of many of those who work in this area was saddening.  And her remorse over her own role, prior to her delivery into the love of Christ Jesus, was heartrending.  It was wonderful to be with so many of our friends who were also there, and also to meet and be affirmed by folks I met for the first time who were so touched by Jubilee's Lenten ministry.

Trust in God

"If you're going to love with the emotionally closeness which alone can fulfill you, you must be able to share your self with your partner."


There is truth in this belief.  But it is not the whole truth, and there is at least one great deception in it, too.

It has at its core a lack of trust in God to provide what we need most - in fact, assumes that our fulfillment can only lie along a particular path - and simultaneously elevates our own needs and actions to too lofty a throne in our lives.

For a young person making a decision about the sort of marriage relationship to enter into, it is probably sound advice, except for the nugget that there is only one path to our emotional fulfillment.  For an older person who has already established and who nurtures that relationship according to the gifts and limitations and expressed preferences of each partner, it can become an insidious poison.

I think we are usually more fulfilled in simply laying down our needs before God and trusting God to provide for them than we are by allowing our lives to be being driven by them.

When we do that, we will generally see which of them we are to do something about directly, and how.  The Holy Spirit will keep us in mind of our most fundamental need to act in accordance with the basic Truth of our lives, and that we are to choose rather to do what is clearly right and trust in God to provide for us through it rather than do what is wrong and expect things to turn out well.

Can only be one place!

Am wishing I could bi-locate tonight.  Have a great evening of prayer and praise planned out at St. Rita parish, working with a fine group of musicians I'd never met before Sunday to lift up the Lord.  But I would not have signed up for it - they'd have likely been fine without me, even though much of the music is new for them; the leadership group would have rearranged things so that our other music minister could have done less meeting leading and more music leading - had I realized our parish was celebrating the sacrament of Confirmation tonight.  Still, it is clear where I am supposed to be this evening, and I refuse to feel disappointed about it!

Another lonely night with the television blaring mindless nonsense.

Today's word

bedizen \bih-DYE-zun\ - to dress or adorn gaudily

One of those words I'd probably heard in context but never paid any attention to . . .

Red flags

There can be little question about my frame of mind when I'm disappointed in making it through each intersection safely or completing my ride without giving myself a coronary.

I love you.  I just desperately wish we had more common interests, that we got excited about or were intrigued by the same things or enjoyed more of the same activities. I wish that I could share with you all of the things I struggle with, and not be afraid of you feeling threatened by them, or not judge that if I'm not going to do anything stupid about them you'd just rather not know these thoughts.  I wish I had just an iota of hope that I was ever going to feel differently.

But please, don't ever think that I want out.  I want to love you for our whole lives. I'd rather be miserable loving you than try to live without you, or to live with myself if I didn't.

More snippets

The child is grown. The dream is gone


Looking into their eyes, I see them running, too


Hello Darkness, my old friend


I have seen the writing on the wall


'Til there was nothin' left to burn and nothin' left to prove


You shout and no one seems to hear


I know just when to face the truth


Mother do you think she's good enough for me?


Emotions on the surface of my skin


Everything under the sun is in tune


We're just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl year after year


All we do crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see


Now there's a look in your eyes like black holes in the sky


Man, I swear that these are long nights


Walking in your footsteps


Now I've got that feeling once again

Progress, and not

So last night I finished our annual income tax exercise. It was our latest filing in years - maybe ever, by calendar date, though I think I may have needed an extension one year.  We were late this year because of waiting for paperwork related to my father-in-law's estate, then confusion over how to report one piece of information (which ended up being a small deduction from estate income that the tax software wouldn't support; it would have increased our refund just slightly, so I just skipped it).  I was *so* excited at the chunk we're getting back from our federal return, and started making mental plans for the new instrument I've been considering for over a year, as well as thinking about a major jewelry purchase I've been looking forward to making.

Then I went to verify our bank account number prior to e-filing, and saw a savings balance that, while not frightening by a long shot, was still unexpectedly and significantly lower than I was expecting.

*sigh*

Today's word

One of those words I've seen, understood the gist of in context, but never seen the definition for:

nebbish - a timid, meek, or ineffectual person

(sometimes I worry that I are one?)

A change in the foul wind

for the longest time, i was sure it would be not being willing to live with myself any longer that would push me over the edge.  now i'm pretty sure that, should that day ever come, it will be more a combination of factors, and not being willing to make any more choices i can't live with is more likely be a part of it.  it will take a lot of effort and diligence and cooperation to make sure that day never comes.

every.


single.


swearword.


time.

Back in the saddle?

Nice ride of almost 30 wind-blown miles yesterday.  I was really pleased with how well I rode, especially as the tail wind I thought I was was pushing me on the way out turned out to be mostly cross, and I was able to ride strongly despite its head component on the way back.  Definitely have more miles logged than all of last year.  If I manage a 50-miler by this weekend, I may consider doing TOSRV (or a similar ride) in May.

Today's word

The meaning was in my vocabulary, but the pronunciation wasn't; I would've pronounced the "qu" in the English /American manner, though I still think it should have a schwa in the second syllable:

piquant /PEE-kunt/ - 1. agreeably stimulating to the palate; especially : spicy  2. engagingly provocative; also : having a lively arch charm

and gave Himself up for her

Today's word

four-flush - 1. to bluff in poker holding a four flush;  broadly : to make a false claim : bluff

A pretty obvious etymology from five-card stud poker.

What a day

My two meetings this morning had me feeling back in my element.  That feeling of hopelessness that has been such a continual undercurrent felt distant and almost silly.

I came home and caught a nap, from which I was startled awake by the telephone, which I mistook for the alarm on my cell phone.  But it was daylight, so I just knew I'd overslept, though I couldn't figure out what day it was because I knew I'd already gotten up Saturday and I wouldn't have had an alarm set for Sunday.  In my confused haze, I ventured out to the kitchen to look at the time, still confused by the rainy daylight. into thinking that it was a morning, but now sure I was very late to something.  Am I missing work?  I saw the mis-set clock on the coffeemaker first, then remembered I needed to look at the microwave.  3:00?  That couldn't be right; there must have been time left from someone using the microwave.  No, it really does say that it's 3:00.

Finally reality starts to break through to my dawning consciousness, I remember I was taking a nap and realize that it really is 3 p.m. on Saturday afternoon. Very disconcerting and unsettling experience, though.

The next couple of hours were a flurry of more activity than I knew we had left to get ready to host tonight's meeting.  By the time I made my trip to the grocery store, that feeling that had seemed so inappropriate by the end of the morning was back in place again.  *sigh*.

The meeting tonight was very nice, and we are going to serve as our marriage encounter circle's leaders for the next two years.  Everyone else was praying that we would, apparently.  I was surprised when Teri grabbed my arm and started raising it to volunteer us.  We'll see what this brings.

I am now ready for bed, deep nap notwithstanding.

Today's word

querulous - 1. habitually complaining  2. fretful, whining

I've never known the meaning of this word, and would have guessed it was related to query, which it isn't.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her. - Eph 5: 25

Casting stones

Bobby Petrino has lost his job, and deserves to lose his family, though I hope he'll be able to make the changes he needs in order to reconcile with them and be the husband he should be.  He has admitted to an inappropriate relationship with a young woman, and although that only occurred after he tried to cover up his dalliance, it is now an established fact.

So why was there a news article yesterday outlining the number and timing of phone calls which serve only to confirm what he has already admitted?  And why is there another today outlining the series of text messages that occurred prior to his firing?  Why are these things considered newsworthy?  (Did the reporter also have access to texts with Petrino's paramour?  If so, he or she at least deserves credit for not including them in the article, too.)

Let the man do what he needs to do, and leave him alone.  What more is to be accomplished by airing his weaknesses in public?

Sometimes a person owes it to everyone around him to just find a way to drink life down, and sometimes he just owes it to himself.

Today's words

I have a friend who I bet knows this first one - maybe both:

tragus \TRAY-gus\ - the prominence in front of the external opening of the outer ear
agnate - 1. allied, akin  2. related through male descent or on the father's side

Snippets

In restless dreams I walked, alone, narrow streets of cobblestone

I suppose you have missed them

Lookin' for an island in our boat upon the sea

Clear your mind and do your best to try and wash the palette clean

A gentle rain falls softly on my weary eyes

"Kathy, I'm lost," I said, though I knew she was sleeping

Don't want to hurt anybody.  Don't want to make them cry

But now it's just another show. You leave them laughing when you go.

Someone's in trouble somewhere tonight

Outside I'm masquerading

Don't give in. Don't tell them anything

Through early morning fog I see visions of the things to be

Numbers game?

Before I posted this, it said I had 4444 page views and 777 posts.  Wonder if I could parlay those as Pick3 and Pick4 values for tonight?

Rough morning

Things in double quotes were actually said. Things in single quotes merely ran around my neural network without escaping (until now):

My wife answers the phone as I'm getting out of the shower. It's our grown daughter letting us know that her car has broken down on her way to work, on a very busy street about twenty-five minutes away, and trying to figure out what she should do. 'Okay, what's that have to do with us?' My first inclination was for her to have it towed to our mechanic, and that turned out to be how things ended up. But she said she thought it might be the serpentine belt, which sounded consistent with how it broke down, so I'm thinking, 'well, even though that wasn't on my radar for today, and even if it might not be our responsibility to take care of, i can save her some $ by doing that for her. those are generally fairly easy. but i'll have to go have a look and figure out what engine she has in that thing so i can get her a belt. oh, and i'll need to put the toolbox in the car.' "I'll call in to work and let them know I'll be late."

Our daughter's call had come in as my wife was trying to get out the door to the gym, and she had just been observing how our neighbor who rides with her - who doesn't drive at all - always seems to have something she's still doing to get ready at the time my wife has set to leave. Meanwhile, our daughter is stuck sitting in her car because of the heavy traffic, and it occurs to me: 'y'know, we'd better make sure this is the belt, or i'm gonna eat time off of work for no reason. i'm not going to be able to fix anything else on the spot that might be the problem. oh, and i'd better not forget that toolbox.'  I try to explain to my wife where to have our daughter look to check the belt, while our daughter continues to wait for a break in the traffic that will let her get out of her vehicle. By now I'm toweled off, shaved, and have my teeth brushed.

My wife tries to give me the phone. 'Yes, it would be easier for me to explain this to her directly, but,' "No, I need to keep getting ready." At this point I just need to floss and get dressed. My wife replies, testily, "I need to go to the gym."  "No. I need to be ready to go straight to work after this. Your plans are going to have to take a hit, too." With escalating tension and volume, of course.  "But our neighbor is at the door," she replies, as if I should be able to see how urgent it is for her to leave, which I can't.  "So tell her she'll have to wait!" 'i mean, really? i'm supposed to take off of work to deal with this but you can't wait to get out the door to the gym until we know what's going on, when you've got *nothing* to do today?' Now she's hurt, "Do you really have to speak to me like that?" "Yeah, I do." 'i've tried several times to get you to just hang on and you've basically ignored me, acting like this shouldn't interfere with your agenda at all, too, now that we've determined it's probably affecting mine. Toolbox.' "No, you don't," she replies.  Then, as she's walking down the hall, I say something, more quietly but still audibly, that I really shouldn't; as it is particularly hurtful.

I really hate that I said it. In fact, I'm glad I wrote about it, because I don't think it really registered with me how ugly and hurtful it was until I thought about it again outside the moment. The thing is, whenever a crisis comes up, I almost always know intuitively and immediately how to respond to it: when to wait and what information to gather; once that's in, what the path forward should be; when to reengage in what resolution activity. But that the people around me aren't seeing that arc, and I should be careful in how I communicate? That usually isn't on my radar, especially when their not getting it is interfering with the arc.

Our daughter tells my wife that she already bought a belt the previous weekend when the oil change place said the existing one was cracked, so I quit thinking about having to find an AutoZone (etc.) and figure out what engine she has. I suddenly remember that we're living in the second decade of the 21st century, and have my wife tell her to take a picture of the correct end of the motor and send it to my phone.

By the time I get it, I'm dressed and ready.  The belt is plainly in place, so we tell our daughter to call for a tow, and my wife calls our mechanic to let him know the car will be coming there. 'i guess i can quit worrying about the toolbox.'  My wife and I coordinate who will pick up our daughter if she needs a ride to work - she suggests right away that she can - and manage a few moments to start reconciling from our disagreement before she and the neighbor leave for the gym and I leave for work.

In writing the first draft of this, I realize I'm still going to have to let her know how sorry I am for my worst comment, though.  Later I do; she tells me that she didn't hear the comment, and I apologize for it anyway.

Today's word

picaresque - of or relating to rogues or rascals; also : of, relating to, suggesting, or being a type of fiction dealing with the episodic adventures of a usually roguish protagonist.

I used to know this word, recognized it, but couldn't recall it's meaning.

Glorious day

What a blessed Easter.  Wonderful new music included the a capella spiritual On That Great, Great Morning and an incredibly moving arrangement by Mary McDonald - accompanied by piano, violin, and double bass - of The Holy Heart.  Our regular violinist had to be overseas on a business trip, so our director got word from somewhere of very talented 10th grader who did a fine job of subbing in for him.  Vigil was long (3:10) but wonderful, with 9 baptisms and additional 5 people confirmed.  I didn't screw up too badly on the hand bell pieces I rang on.  And we had a fine percussionist with us on Saturday night, too, on timpani. etc. (though I wish he could have joined us Sunday, too).

Mrs. tg's cousin and his wife drove almost 3 hours to be with us yesterday, and we got to hang out with the gentleman our daughter has been seeing, as well. Dinner turned out fine - love that Santa Maria tri tip! - and it was nice to break my fasts from sweets and alcohol, in moderation.

As wonderful as all that is: my Lord is risen!  This is of course the very definition of Easter, and the rest is participation in and celebration of that great truth.

(And must not dwell on the disappointment of the family that wasn't with us, especially the part that could have been fairly easily.)

Mysteries (slightly revised)

(4/9)


"God became man." "The Word became flesh." "Incarnation." The words are so familiar to Christians that we become dulled to the astonishing thing they say. The cross shocks and scandalizes and reastonishes, and never more so than in the cry of dereliction, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus, Death on a Friday Afternoon


I wonder if Fr. Neuhaus put this seeming non sequitur here just to grab our attention. It certainly caught mine. The thing is, it's exactly right to put these two ideas together. These first three phrases happened with the eternal Son's full knowledge of where this miracle would lead. It isn't that the fully human Jesus couldn't have chosen otherwise, it's that God's Son knew in eternity, before the foundation of the world (or, where "before" and "after" have no meaning, for all is now, except that somehow that still implies an element of time which does not exist in eternity if indeed that is more than the "time without end" which may be the best that our time-locked minds can truly grasp), that he did not.  We do not understand how the fully human and fully divine natures of Jesus fit together, do not know "what happened" to the things that God the Son knew in eternity outside of his conception in Mary's womb.  These mysteries are beyond us, not that we should not ponder them.  But that the Incarnation should lead to this dereliction should indeed be a cause for shock, scandal and astonishment for us.

We spoke earlier about the necessity of our speaking about God by analogy. Speaking by analogy, by comparison, can mislead us into thinking there is a smooth correspondence between realities divine and human. But analogy does not mean that there is a neat correspondence between similarities and dissimilarities, that we can gain an approximate and more or less satisfactory understanding of God by reference to our own experience.  No, wherever there is similarity, we discover that the dissimilarity is infinitely greater. - ibid.

I think this final idea was likely borrowed from an earlier writer - St. Augustine, maybe? This seems another non sequitur relative to what comes before it, but again they fit together.  We must get out of our heads the notion that we comprehend God.  The best our finite minds which are bound by time can hope for is the smallest, briefest glimpse of insight into the infinite God who dwells in eternity.  We can never fully understand God, though striving to do so insofar as we are able is a fitting task on which to focus a lifetime of effort.  Some might protest that this would detract from time and effort we should be spending helping our neighbor, when the truth is that our striving to see God more fully always leads us to reach out to our neighbor more than we ever would otherwise.  The Incarnation and the dereliction fit perfectly together in God, even if our understanding of God is insufficient to fully make the connection.

Also, if the most that we can get is a glimpse of God, and that only by analogy, then it must be up to God to reveal Godself to us in the ways which we are able to grasp.  It is fully the work of grace, not of our own understanding nor of our own faith, that delivers us into the presence of God for these brief, astonishing, shocking, scandalous, eternal moments.

And when we cooperate with grace, when we embrace the mystery that is beyond us for all time but will be ours for eternity, we are awestruck.

Good Friday adoration, 2012

Come, let us worship Christ, the Son of God, who redeemed us by his blood. - Good Friday antiphon for the Invitatory Psalm

[Here are my reflections before the Lord in Eucharistic adoration this Good Friday. Square brackets are added at the time of posting]:

Come. Let us sing to the Lord and shout with joy to the Rock who saves us. Let us approach him with praise and thanksgiving, and sing joyful songs to the Lord." Ps 95, first stanza.

The Rock through whom God delivered us through the Red Sea is the Rock through whom he gave us water in the desert is the Rock of our salvation from sin and death, is now in the Garden [Gethsemani, but also Eden], in agony. We know that the whole creation has been groaning in travail together until now; and not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies, (Rom 8, 22-23) the redemption won for us, but it must groan all the more for what we are doing to the One who created us, the Rock of our redemption. How dare we presume to put him to death?

[I know, it isn't quite like that for us, exactly (see stanza 2 reflection). Still, it is good in moments of temptation to remember the connection between our choice and his suffering under the weight of our sin.]

The Lord is God, the mighty God, the great King over all the gods. He holds in his hand the depths of the earth, and the highest mountains as well. He made the sea, it belongs to him; the dry land, too, for it was formed by his hand." Ps 95, second stanza.

What love the Creator has for us, in submitting to our judgment.
It is the judgment we deserve or, at least, the one we have chosen rather than choosing to be the sons and daughters which God has created us to be. God alone knows enough to judge properly - at least about what really matters: the condition of my/our heart and soul - yet chooses instead to take our judgment upon himself, be it our judgment of ourselves, our judgment of one another, or our presumptuous judgment of him. [When we choose sin we choose our own eternal death over the abundant eternal life that our loving God desires for us. But Christ loves us too much to let this decision which we make in our ignorance stand unchallenged, and so chooses to be put to death for our sake.] He is the One who created everything from nothing.  He didn't merely rearrange what was already there, as we do in grabbing materials to build a wondrous, towering, glorious edifice, or a combination of sound frequencies and amplitudes that have never been put together in precisely that way before, or a neural connection that results in a thought over which others might ponder or wonder (ponder or wander?). Yet he who alone can create something out of nothing is in the Garden, in agony over how he is to be reduced to the nothing of our contemptuous judgment of him. [If we trust in God, we know that we are not reduced to nothing by our death; still, we routinely make others, and most especially God himself, as nothing to us. No one is as nothing to Christ, and these hours demonstrate it as nothing else ever has.]

Come, then, let us bow down and worship, bending the knee before the Lord, our maker, for he is our God and we are his people, the flock he shepherds. Ps 95, third stanza.

The angels come to be with you, Lord, to comfort and encourage. I, who am about to judge you, Lord, who has judged you so often, dare to approach you here, as well.  Full of sorrow for how I have dared and will dare to judge you, is there any comfort at all that I can bring to you for what my sin is bringing you to?  If I cannot bring succor to you, Lord, please at least let me worship you and marvel at the depth of your love and your submission.

Our desire to comfort you is like an abusive parent trying to comfort their child by being tender toward him after hurting him terribly. The child's trauma remains, Lord, just as we are told that the marks of our judgment remain upon the Lamb of God for all eternity.  It is how we recognize you [and our place in you. I can't find the scripture reference to this. I'll add it later if I run across it, but the idea is that, like Thomas, we will recognize Jesus in heaven by his scars].

Today, listen to the voice of the Lord. Do not grow stubborn as your fathers did in the wilderness, when at Meribah and Massah they challenged and provoked me, although they had seen all of my works. Ps 95, fourth stanza

[I have written so often about this psalm, and alluded to these in my notes from this morning, yet can't seem to find the place where I observed the insights that are gained when we reflect on the two ways the first verse of this stanza are interpreted: as above, and "If today you hear his voice . . . " They both provide important points of view for our approaching and responding to God's presence.]

The Rule of St. Benedict begins with the words Listen carefully, my child, to your master's precepts.  I've also reflected on a couple occasions about the significance of this psalm verse in calling us to reflect on Christ's words from the cross, three of which we will hear in today's Passion reading. And over these last three Lenten years I have written at exhaustive length as inspired by Fr. Neuhaus' book, Death on a Friday Afternoon. It is valuable for us to listen to what you say, Lord, and reflect on what each word means for us. We have stubbornly judged you, concluding that your will and your evaluation are less applicable than our own to our lives. We will doubtless do so again, determinedly hardening our hearts, trusting ourselves and our judgment rather than yours, trying to remake you and your will and your word according to our own image of you rather than allowing you to remake us in yours.  No matter how much we witness the works born in the extremity of your love, we challenge and provoke you.

Forty years I endured that generation. I said, "They are a people whose hearts go astray, and they do not know my ways." So I swore in my anger, "They shall not enter into my rest." Ps 95, fifth stanza

We cannot enter into our rest in you while we cling to our right to judge in your stead. Do we not see how our judgment leads to agony rather than rest?  The writer of the letter to the Hebrews writes (Heb 4) about our entering into the Lord's sabbath rest. This is the archetype of the eternal "rest" in which we praise and worship you for all eternity!

Pange Lingua Gloriosi!
Sing, my tongue, the Savior's glory!
Of his flesh the mystery sing,
and the blood, all price exceeding,
shed by our immortal King! - St. Thomas Aquinas

[I won't quote all of this wonderful ancient hymn. But it has a special meaning on this holy night as I reflect on what the Lord is and will be experiencing for my sake.] Oh, I won't be able to convey all the thoughts which have flooded me in praying this hymn in this eternal moment!

The Eucharist demonstrates for us how every created thing in nature is transformed in you [including ourselves if we allow it]. It is more than a mere archetype, for this mere matter has actually become you, Lord. [Perhaps, in the end, this will be true for all of your creation?] Yet every thing, all of creation, bears you, by your grace and action.  Yet you are uniquely present in these elements Lord, which bear your body and blood, soul and divinity, to and for us.

Why this tumult among the nations, among peoples this useless murmuring? 
They arise, the kings of the earth; princes plot against the Lord and his Anointed . . . 
Now, oh kings, understand. Take warning, rulers of the earth; serve the Lord . . ." Ps 2

As we cast our judgment upon God, are these verses not speaking of us? Though we may feel powerless, how often is that not in response to a course which we ourselves have put into action [as king and ruler over our own life] when we choose what we deem best for ourselves and our loved ones: a career, a hobby, an addiction, a way of life?

Let me instead do you homage, here now in the Garden and later beneath your cross, Lord, so that I might also do so in your glorious presence for all eternity!

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Ps 22

We often feel forsaken.  I've heard it suggested that Jesus may have prayed this entire Psalm from the cross, and the gospel writer used shorthand to convey it to his audience. [Alternately, Jesus may have been invoking the entire Psalm to his hearers, lacking the energy to pray it aloud entire.]

Whatever our emotional state - joy, despair, excitement, abandonment, sadness, longing - we can find its counterpart in the Psalms, and know that we are praying these emotions using the very words which Jesus prayed, too.

The Hebrews reading from today's Office of Readings (also the source for the Psalms on which I've reflected thus far) is especially powerful to spend some time in on Good Friday!  [I didn't record any specific reflections on it this year, but relished it nonetheless. But I wanted to spend some time with Fr. Neuhaus before the Lord in this special time.]

At the entrance of the chapel of Mother Teresa's Missionaries of Charity in the Bronx are the words, "I THIRST, I QUENCH." These are the same words at the entrance of the community's chapels all over the world . . . In Rome I said Mass for the Missionaries of Charity in their plain little chapel just outside St. Peter's Square. Six sisters, including two from India, one from Indonesia and a formidable Valkyrie, perhaps from Sweden, operate a soup kitchen and refuge for the street people of Rome. The intesity of the sisters' devotion and the simplicity of their lives embarrassed me.  How complex and cluttered with plans and projects is my life compared to theirs. Then it came to me: Their austere attentiveness was a thirsting for the water of life. It was an ecstatic thirsting. In the communion their thirst was quenched and, at the same time, intensified." Fr. Richard John Neuhaus, Death on a Friday Afternoon

[Fr. Neuhaus is writing on the fifth word, I thirst. Many (including me) have written on this word extensively, about how Jesus' physical thirst is a sign of the thirst which led the eternal Son to become incarnate knowing we would judge and condemn him.  His thirst for his beloved prodigal sons and daughters is greater.

After reading the passage above, I seemed to sense the following message:]

Enter into my thirst, and allow me to slake it.
You hunger and thirst already, not realizing what you truly need to have your longing satisfied.
I am all you need.  Every other longing of your heart and your life - beyond your physical needs for food and shelter, which I supply - is really your longing for me, which you so often misattribute and misinterpret. You turn to that which can never satisfy your thirst when I am waiting with a fountain of my love and my presence [for they are inseparable]. It is no mere sip of wine on a sponge that I offer you, but a river of grace that leads to an ocean of love. Yet it is true that when you allow me to quench your thirst, you will find yourself sharing instead in my thirst for my people whom I love.  I long for you, my dear one, and you will know when my thirst for you is quenched, because you will thirst for your brothers and sisters. This wholesome thirst would drain you, were I not its source and its fulfillment.
I am thirsty.  I know that you thirst, as well.  Enter in, and discover my true thirst, and find its quenching in me.

[I then continued reading, to encounter this paragraph in the next half page, as if in verification:]

From the cross, "I thirst." And those who kneel at his cross share his thirst, which is both a thirst for him and for all for whom he thirsts. - ibid.

[The final quotes I jotted down prior to leaving the chapel this morning are too disjointed to quite work as posting.  Fr. Neuhaus refers to this event by and in which the world is refounded, and quotes a half dozen scripture passages in which it is clear that these events now fulfilled were planned "from the foundation of the world." To understand this properly we must enter into the mindset of eternity again, not "time without end" but the absence of time, in which our thoughts and actions are not "foreseen" so that we have no choice in them, but seen as we will choose them. It isn't that God had to respond to our fallen condition by sending a Savior who fulfilled all the conditions he had established through prophecy. It is rather that God has seen our need, has seen the choices we are making, and prepared for us the law and the prophets so that we would recognize this Deliverer because of them.  This was his plan in response to us from eternity before there was such a thing as "before," and as it is fulfilled in Christ and in our embracing of Christ, is the plan for eternity when there is no longer any such thing as "after."

Lord, help me to enter more fully into the eternity you have prepared for me.]

Behold

"Come follow me," Jesus says.  The invitation resounds through all the time there is and ever will be, and all who respond in faith - all who exchange their "I" for the "I" of the Christ who lives within them - make their way, one way or another, to the foot of the cross. There they find themselves with John and Mary and a host of bedraggled saints and sinners whose hour has come. And to each of these brothers and sisters in whom he forever lives, to each of us, Jesus says, "Behold, your mother." And to Mary, "Behold, your children.  Behold me." - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus, Death on a Friday Afternoon


So much theology in one brief quotation.  Fr. Neuhaus has spent pages developing these thoughts:

• the role of our earthly mothers in nurturing our sense of our self.
• that Christ was telling Mary, John, and - most of all - us that he lives in us insofar as we are willing to allow him to, by the Holy Spirit's presence. 
• that it is not our own initiative that brings this potential into reality in our lives, though it will only be real to the degree that we must cooperate with God's love.
• how much John must have learned about the Lord's Incarnation and the early days of his life as Mary spent the latter days of hers with him.
• the nature of the exchange in which we so unfairly exchange our mortal, limited lives for God's immortal, eternal life.

Yet sometimes I insist on clinging to my own "I."  There are sometimes parts of me that can seem more important to stubborn me than reflecting Christ in all things.  I suspect this is true for everyone.  Don't you do it, too?

How sad for us.

And yet our hope and our way is immeasurably greater than our limited ability and willingness to give ourselves over to his grace. So patient with us, he ever leads us to embrace his "I" more fully.

Wonder and wisdom

In wonder is wisdom born.  The most elementary and at the same time the most profound of questions is, "Why is there anything at all and not nothing?"  Why am I?  we must never get embarrassed about asking something so basic, so apparently naive. In our supposed sophistication we may suppress the question, we may become practiced at forgetting it, but we never really get beyond it. The fact that I find myself in a boundless world of innumerable existent beings is astonishing beyond measure. - Fr. Richard John Neuhuas, Death on a Friday Afternoon


Our worst response to these questions is not suppression nor jaded forgetfulness, but disdain for those who insist on looking for an answer to them.  The current egotistical line of thought is that we are above needing an answer to such a question, that the search for significance is a fool's errand and the wise person is beyond it.  And there go both the wonder and the wisdom it engenders.

I don't need an explanation for my existence; if I am a mere insignificant speck in the vast universe, I can live with that for another few fleeting decade-attomoments and make the most of the life and love with which I am blessed therein.  But though I may not need it for the sake of my ego, I am thrilled to have one, and such a wonderful Answer that alone explains every mystery over which I wonder.  All of salvation history points to him, as on the cross he fulfills every prophetic foreshadowing which God knew we would need to recognize him.

Today's word

incunabulum - 1. a book printed before 1501  2. a work of art or of industry of an early period

Ahh.  So the root of our struggles lies in the fact that our umwelten are so different?

utter failure

ok. you apparently can't serve as a resource for me in dealing with this, as much as my therapist almost insisted that you should, that you must, that we won't be a healthy couple until i can turn to you for your help with this. but i can see that it's always going to hit too close to home for you, that you're never going to believe that it isn't at all about you. i can understand why that's so hard; i'd probably feel the same way if this was your issue - i've always felt that way about your issue, in fact. at any rate, you can quit trying or pretending - whichever it is you've been doing by by asking me the question once every few months - to be helpful if you can't handle getting the answer you don't want occasionally. seriously, that's worse than no help at all. way.  no, you shouldn't have to deal with it. but at this point it's just an ugly habit, probably way less harmful than smoking would be. i can beat myself up for it without your help.  so if you can't just assume that it's still going to be a problem area that i'm always going to have to work on, and ask me about it with that mindset so that you're not hurt and disappointed if it still is, then just leave me alone with it. i'll try not to go down the rabbit hole, and i'll try to make sure that my local friend who keeps me in line knows that we have to talk about this regularly.


then maybe you can just deal with the issues that are yours to handle if you're going to become the best version of your self instead of acting as if i'm the only one who's screwed up, and i'll focus on trying to become the best version of my self and the husband you deserve, since i've obviously failed so miserably at that. again.

Jesus, Mary

Ad Jesum per Mariam. "To Jesus through Mary." The Latin inscription is over the altar of a small parish church in Quebec near where I was born. The phrase appears frequently in Catholic architecture and devotional literature. One might object that it should be Ad Mariam per Jesu. After all, our access to Mary and all the saints, both living and dead, is "through Christ." But the two ways of saying it are not in contradiction nor even in tension. At least, they need not be. We have said that to think about Jesus is to think about Mary.  Even more it is the case that to think about Mary is to think about Jesus. From the very beginnings of Christianity, what Christians have said about Mary is a consequence of what they said about Christ. - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus, Death on a Friday Afternoon.


"What we have said" is stuff I haven't written about here, but Fr. Neuhaus has already made the case that it is necessary to consider Mary in considering Jesus if we are to enter into any meaningful reflection into how he could have been both fully God and fully man. As I have written, just earlier today, his mother was there at the very beginning and at the very end of Jesus' earthly life, so there is that to think about.

It was the role of Mary - as it is true of every saint - to bear Christ into the world.  In looking to follow Christ and to fulfill our mission and calling, it is good for us to consider how others have done so, and marveling over the work which Christ has done includes being amazed at how he has worked in the lives of others.  God's grace transforms, and seeing how he transforms others allows us to participate in his transformation of us.

The greatest gift

Stabat mater dolorosa. At the cross her station keeping. There was nothing else to be done, except to be there.  The presence of our helplessness is our gift to the helpless. - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus, Death on a Friday Afternoon


Not understanding this is why so many people struggle to find some way to comfort the grieving, and end up saying such hurtful things in the process. I'm likely as guilty as anyone of this. We're taught to resist our helplessness, not to embrace it, so we struggle for some words of ours that will bring comfort when only our presence will make any difference at all.  The gift of our self is the best thing we have to offer.

It is the gift which God offers to us.

Love letting go

Mary learned the hard love of letting go, the love that is forged in surrender to a love that is greater than our own, the love that grows beyond all possessing. - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus, Death on a Friday Afternoon


It is another contradiction: she was there at the beginning, and there at the end with him, yet she had let go.  All good parents learn this letting go, this understanding that our babies have grown into their own adulthood and must be responsible for their own paths. And there is a degree of this in every real love in which we are privileged to participate. Even in the marriage relationship, striving to possess will inevitably stifle the mutual self-giving that is meant to be.

This is the love God has for us, as well.  He has created us, and then leaves us to choose for ourselves what to love, what to embrace, what to choose.  Here he completes his choosing of us, his making of a way for us to always be able to choose him, no matter what choices we may have made previously.  How it must pain him to know that the very best thing for us to choose is to love him in return, and yet in love he makes this way for us without compelling us to choose what he knows is best.

How deep the Father's love for us.

Today's word

resile - recoil, retract; especially : to return to a prior position

I knew, of course, its sibling resilient.