Today's word

bludge /BLUJ/ - 1. (chiefly Australia & New Zealand) to avoid work or responsibility
2. (chiefly Australia & New Zealand) to get something from or live on another by imposing on hospitality or good nature : sponge

I had to click through to see why I'd never heard of this word. It's obviously because I've never been to Australia or New Zealand. 

Hello

Your name is Inigo Montoya.

I killed your father.

More anagrams

Obverse, observe, and verbose

Not just "much younger," actually

In my last post, I spoke of what would happen if "someone much younger" offered themself to me. But that was because of the context of the weekend's posts. The same thing would be true regardless of who lost their mind in that way.

40 years ago right now

We were driving back home to MD. He had done his damage control, talking about how "weird" the previous night had been, making sure that I wasn't going to tell anyone what "we" had done, especially my mom.

Over time, I came to understand the periodic extracurricular activity as the cost of his patronage, his interest in me. I didn't tell mom for nearly 20 years, when I was in therapy. It was nearly a decade before I told anyone at all, and then with an ulterior, if unconscious, motive. And also, until therapy, with the mistaken notion that it was something from my past that hadn't affected me much.

I have come to realize that even my complicit participation, including that first night, is on him.  If a much younger person offered themselves sexually to me today, (I sincerely hope and anticipate that) I would graciously decline, and insist that God has a far better plan for us, for them. I wouldn't take advantage of their vulnerability and naivete.

This weekend of remembering has been very hard.  There have been times when I have wanted to physically hurt myself. I've also been tempted to pursue aspects of desire that are not God's will for me. I have thus far managed to turn away from these temptations, and to trust that God's plan is better. But I don't therefore imagine that the battle for my mind and heart - and to determine where my trust truly lies - is over.

40 years ago right now

I was making the mistake that he'd use to keep abusing me for the next 20 months.

I woke up aroused.

And I stupidly got into his bed.

It's the thing from that weekend I still can't forgive myself for.

40 years ago. Right now.

This is adult material. I'll try not to be too explicit. There are plenty of details I am remembering beyond these. 

He was standing in front of me. Between me and the door. He'd gotten out of the shower, and stood there in his skivvies. Within a minute or two he pulled them down and started masturbating. And he begged me to take mine out and "just let him see it." I stood there, mostly mute. I'd said no, but I didn't go anywhere. Where was I going to go? He kept at it, kept asking me. I didn't know what to do. I was somehow repulsed and yet aroused at the same time. He pointed out my arousal. He insisted that I did this myself, right? And then he said that he just wanted to watch me do what i already did. Then he'd stop for a while. He didn't want to finish by himself, I guess. I must've stood there for over a half hour, resisting his repeated entreaties. 

Before I gave in.

And he didn't just watch.

 After, I felt so. Very. FILTHY.

40 years ago right now

. . . or so . . . this happened. At the time, I was certain it would be the most disturbing thing I'd experience this weekend. It definitely changed my opinion of NYC.

40 years ago right now

He was buying me my first leather jacket. I still naively thought it was cool that he had taken me under his wing, was acting in some ways like the dad I'd never really had, even though I'm pretty sure neither of us really considered him a father figure. Still, it was nice that he seemed to really enjoy my company and appreciate me.

40 years ago right now

I was in Central Park for the first time.

40 years ago right now

I heard gunshots outside through the window as i was trying to sleep. I'd forgotten that.

40 years ago right now

We were finishing dinner. Probably a burger in a gay bar. He said "I just love watching people. Especially the weirdos."

40 years ago right now

We were checking into the YMCA.

I still leave the room whenever they start playing that song.

40 years ago right now

We were on the New Jersey Turnpike, and I was thinking of Simon and Garfunkel.

40 years ago right now

So I'm advance posting this one  to publish at the proper time because I'll be busy when it actually happened. 

We were sitting in the diner. It seems to me that the sun was shining while he nervously approached his subject. He was afraid that I must not be having a very good time. Why don't we head up to New York, where the drinking age was only 18 and I would be able to pass for old enough? He'd already cleared it with mom. 

I was having a fine time. The concert had been a blast, though I'd done that by myself. Still, he wanted this to be a really great weekend for me, and he was sure I'd have a much better time in New York. 

I finally relented, and we soon headed back to the hotel to pack our stuff. 

The two breakfasts in Philadelphia are basically all I remember of the daytime hours in that city. 

Having some trouble

Getting my PTSD thoughts out of my head. Choosing better for myself than what I think I want. Choosing to trust that it really is better.

But, man, am I obsessed. (Don't ask.) 

40 years ago right now

I was walking through Philadelphia to get back to our hotel room, because the bus wasn't running this late on Thanksgiving night.  It was cold, but not excessively so. I was more uncomfortable walking through a strange city alone than from the temperature.

It was a very good concert. I don't know what I'd expected, but I was disappointed that they back-tracked the choral section of Bohemian Rhapsody.

40 years ago right now

I was enjoying Queen at The Spectrum. I think I took the bus there, but am not sure; perhaps my future stepfather dropped me off.  If I wasn't buzzed yet, i would be soon, when a fellow attendee shared. No, this is not a fond memory. I hate that I have drug use in my past.

40 years ago right now

I was finishing my only thanksgiving dinner in a restaurant.

40 years ago right now

He was giving me grief for putting cream and sugar in my coffee.

40 years ago right now

I was asleep in a hotel room in Philadelphia, while sleeping in the next bed was a horror waiting to spring upon me.

I know I'm not supposed to still feel destroyed, but I do.

40 years ago right now

We were figuring out that there was no way I was getting served beer in Pennsylvania. That was not a big deal to me; I was still having fun.

40 years ago right now

I was so excited for the weekend ahead.

I can't stop . . .

. . .  remembering.

. . .  hating remembering.

. . .  wanting to not remember anymore.

Word fun

Solving yesterday's daily Jumble, I learned that deductions is an anagram of discounted.

On second thought . . .

. . . it was likely not casual and callous at all. It was probably rooted in a life marked by deep fear and painful experience.

Giving thanks

We're still a few days off from the holiday, of course. But we'd planned to be out of town for the weekend, which didn't work out as we didn't end up with a dinner invitation from among my wife's siblings and my cousins. That hurts a little, but life happens. We realized later that, with our son-in-law scheduled for a serious surgery today, that it would be a good idea to try to have dinner yesterday instead. As it turned out, that made for a very full table, even with the ones who weren't available, with 13 people gathered around it.

We had prayed and were dishing up dinner when my middle daughter asked where the gravy was. Well, in the rush of getting the meat carved I'd forgotten to make it. So I hopped up and and whipped it up - it only takes a couple minutes - and brought it to the table in a creamer. I handed it to my son-in-law and had returned to the kitchen when I heard the sound of shattering china and a commotion. It seems that my son-in-law and daughter had missed the hand-off, and the hot-off-the-stove gravy ended up mostly on our daughter and the floor. While some of the family tended to our daughter, others of us hastened to shoo the dog away and clean up the spilled gravy before he could ingest any shards of china.

She ended up with first degree burns on her arm, leg, and torso. As miserable as it was for her, we are grateful that it wasn't worse, as it certainly could have been in those circumstances.

Aside from that, it was a very nice family day. The house was full of children and fun and good food and people we love. And as the evening drew down, my wife and I each got a hug from - well, it's a little hard to explain, because they're not our grandchildren officially yet, but we're increasingly part of one big blended family.

Oh, and we're replacing an alternator on the car that we'd just had worked on last week. (Brakes and a sensor last week.) Older car issues. Still, it's good that we have the means.

Also, this coming weekend is the 40th anniversary. If you know me well, you aren't asking "of what?" but in case you don't know, here is a little more (without any gross details of my life thrown in).

Despite all of its challenges of many sorts, my life is also filled with many blessings for which I am giving thanks.

unable to stop

being sad

Just realized

This Thanksgiving weekend is the 40th anniversary.

Weekend

Friday night, very nice dinner at the Meadowlark with our dear friends from Chapel 3 from the late 80's. Went to bed fairly early, but didn't sleep well and was up way too early on Saturday. Nice men's group meeting, followed by a much needed nap. Finally got the jalapeños canned, cooked the pumpkin, made the shepherd's pie that my wife never got around to. Since I was basically on my own, I instead went out and had my first free veteran's meal ever at City BBQ, and took home a couple of cobblers for folks to share. (We ate the shepherd's pie last night.) Went to bed fairly early again, although not as much so as Friday night. Then was up Sunday not quite early enough for 8:00 mass. Played at 10:30, went to the VA for a 5k, then played the rock mass. Had to miss the annual shoebox party, though. Watched one recorded episode of Once Upon a Time with the wife before going to bed at a decent hour again. Still don't feel well rested. In fact, I still feel pretty wiped out and am having a difficult time concentrating. I wonder how much of that is from what feels like the beginnings of a chest cold? 

I am so very tired

I just want to close my eyes. And sleep. And not dream. And not wake with a cramp or a bathroom urge or any other sleep distraction until I am finally well-rested again.
if at all.

Today's word

mandarin /MAN-drin/ - 1. of, relating to, or typical of a public official in the Chinese Empire of any of nine superior grades 2. marked by polished ornate complexity of language

What a wonderful new definition. I was, of course, somewhat familiar with the first one, although I had the mistaken notion that it was a provincial term, like Szechuan (Sichuan), and had no idea that the word was of Portuguese origin. But I'd never heard it used in anything like the second definition. 

Time change . . .

. . . is kicking my tush.

Today's words

Two new words of the day:

stridulate /STRIJ-uh-layt/ - to make a shrill creaking noise by rubbing together special bodily structures — used especially of male insects (such as crickets or grasshoppers)

I was familiar with this word, though couldn't quite place it in the couple seconds I gave myself before clicking through to the write-up. I can't remember where I encountered it before - perhaps in an old Dictionary Devil puzzle - and could have sworn I'd already included it in a blog post, but didn't find it when I searched. I would pronounce it /STRID-you-layt/.

esemplastic /ess-em-PLASS-tik/ - shaping or having the power to shape disparate things into a unified whole

God does this all the time.

And one from the Dictionary Devil:

rebozo /rih-BOH-'zoh/ - a long scarf worn chiefly by Mexican women

How I am

Better when I don't overthink it much, I suppose. So I'm not gonna.

Today's words

First, a new WOTD:

apodictic /ap-uh-DIK-tik/ - expressing or of the nature of necessary truth or absolute certainty

The Five Keys of spiritual freedom in the Unbound model of deliverance ministry have a highly apodictic quality about them. 

 Then, a couple new words in today's Dictionary Devil puzzle:

hypogeum /'high-puh-GEE-um/ - the subterranean part of an ancient building; also : an ancient underground burial chamber

I suppose this word applies to the undercroft of York Minster (or, more formally, the Cathedral and Metropolitical Church of St Peter in York), one of the most fascinating places I've ever visited because of the multiple prior buildings on the site. 

 prothalamion /'pro-thuh-LAY-mee-uhn/ - a song in celebration of a marriage

This one applies to one of my favorite pieces to self-accompany and sing or harmonize on, which was also a part of our wedding ceremony. 

Both of these words have strong hints of their meanings in their roots.