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Argos, IN  46501, Atwood, IN 46502  I have passed just north of these zip code twice - well, on both legs of round trips on two separate occasions. The first time was in 1988, with our friends Herb and Maureen as we attended the national charismatic conference at Notre Dame. This was my only visit to the campus, and I can understand why people love it. This was just a couple months after my sister had passed away, suddenly and unexpectedly at age 23, due to a drug problem none of us knew she had. I didn't fully realize how filled with remorse I was over the role I might have played in her drug issues in my younger days - by the conference I'd turned 28 (so a dear friend was a newborn!) - and that I'd never really shared the gospel with her following my conversion experience. After the sessions late one night, I joined others at the grotto and felt led to ask for prayer, though I wasn't really sure for what. I was surprised when I heard myself sharing with the prayer team the burden that I didn't even realize was on my heart. As they prayed with me, I had the experience of being "slain in the Spirit" for the only time in my life, as the Holy Spirit brought me God's consolation in my grief and flooded me with a deep sense of His mercy and love. I laid there for what felt like a half hour but was probably only a few minutes, allowing my loving Lord to minister to me, and arose with a deep sense of gratitude for His forgiveness and with a truly peaceful spirit, as the months-long tension with which I'd been unwittingly living was lifted from me. The next day I found myself able to join in the praise and worship with abandon.

My second trip through the area was on my way to and from the Apple Cider Century in Three Oaks, MI. At that point, I still had aspirations of doing a century (100-mile ride) in every state, back before my cramping issues really developed. I'll have to look at my shirt from that ride to see what year it was, or perhaps I have information in a scrapbook at home. Memories of the ride: I overnighted at a motel west of South Bend and drove the last 25 miles the morning of the ride; a pancake breakfast was served in the town firehouse; there was apple cider to drink at every rest stop; the ride was very well supported; route markings were in the shape of an apple, and color coded for the five different length rides; I ended up feeling a little as if I had cheated on my goal, because about 45 miles of the century route was in Indiana; I talked with some folks at both breakfast and lunch who had come over from Chicago for the ride; lunch was at park in a neighborhood with a beautiful view of Lake Michigan. A coworker friend did this ride just a few years ago and lunch was no longer at such a picturesque venue.

The other song . . .

. . . that really spoke to me last week:

REFRAIN:
Help me, Lord. I am in need,
reaching out to You.
Call to me with Your own voice,
The voice that I once knew.

In my darkest night I wait for You,
Longing to be free
Let me hear my name by Your own voice
Calling out to me.  

All around me, Lord, is darkness
Drawing me away.
Bring me back you. Just call my name.
Show me, Lord, Your way. 

When I reach for you, I tremble, Lord.
I am filled with fear.
Will you hold me, Lord, in Your embrace,
Wrapping me with care?  

 - Jerry Galipeau, Help Me, Lord, WLP

I have been very comforted to discover that the answer to that last question is always "yes."

It's a good sign . . .

 . . . when the new pastoral associate for music ministry sacrifices a half hour of her first rehearsal so that we could pray a really awesome evensong together!

Futility

No, really, I was intentionally not watching stuff you hate on TV last night. I even watched a show you watch, in a useless attempt for us to spend an hour in the same room. And really, I do mind eating dinner by myself every weeknight, and not having any time together.

Do you want to spend the rest of our lives together or not?

This morning I find myself invoking St. Paul's instructions to give thanks to God in all circumstances. It has removed my thoughts from the darker path down which they tend to wander when your choices isolate me and circumstances keep me from my exercise routine. I'm glad for the chance to lead praise and worship at first Friday Mass tonight, especially seeing as you've unilaterally decided to have dinner out again tonight. At least your unilateral decision to invite our "adopted" daughter over for dinner tomorrow includes me.

Praising God

 . . . *always* lifts my spirits, at least for a time.

Catch-22

Late last month, I was pseudo-invited to lead worship for a charismatic Mass at an area church tonight. I lost track of time a little, and when I followed up with the organizer to make sure that the music ministry needs were covered he indicated that they are. Then one of my fellow parishioners chimed in with a request that I bring my guitar and help lead worship. Unfortunately, things don't just work that way, especially with the folks who are most likely leading tonight. I love them and their music selections, but their key signature choices usually prevent me from singing melody on anything. It's a family ministry, and the mom is an alto who can't sing harmony. As a result, they're always choosing lower key signatures than a mid-range male or female is usually comfortable in. Not to mention: they didn't ask me to join them.

So I'm going to this Mass tonight, knowing that I will probably struggle to sing and that I'm going to face questions about why I'm not in the music ministry. But that will feel better than not going and supporting this event, of which we don't have enough in town.

(After report: the music ministry wasn't who I was expecting. I was able to sing out on everything! What a nice Mass!)

"This is my desire, but Thy will be done"

Some people, to avoid the pain of surrendering, ignore their hearts and pray for God's will in a sterile, apathetic way. It is like playing poker for peanuts instead of dollars: there is nothing on the table. Our desires ought to be brought before heaven so that our hearts go there, as well. - Neal Lozano, Abba's Heart

I get this. I think that I don't do it, but understand why people do.

There is a difference between praying for our heart's desire, though, and praying for all that we desire. When we start walking with the Lord, we begin to know when something we want is clearly not the Lord's will for us; we trust what His Church teaches us about His loving call for our life, what is good for us, and what isn't. We learn to pray about that thing we want in a different way: that the underlying desire or need that it represents will be met in a way that glorifies God rather than in the thing that we have focused on. This is part of having our hearts conformed to God's will.

Our relationships with our spouses may manifest elements of this growing spiritual maturity. We may play the martyr by ignoring our moments of frustration, or pray for God to change our partner in some way. It may be that, for their own sake, they sincerely need to grow in a way for which we might intercede on their behalf. But to offer this intention without including our own feelings and desires prevents us from accepting any growth God may have planned for us, too. When we offer God our honest feelings and ask the Father to provide what we truly need as well as the growth we might desire for our partner, we give Him permission to also provide us with a heart more conformed with His love for our spouse.

Incarnation

6/8 Intro/Interlude: |D  A G  D|Bm  |D  A G  D  |F#m 
  A       |D        |A        |D  A   G  D  |(F#m) A     |
Imagine a time, one moment containing ev-ry mo  -  ment
D                        |A      |G          Em       |Bm     |
Poignant, mundane, breathtaking, heartrending  and sublime
     |Em     F#m   |Bm7         |Em       A    |Bm7sus4 Bm7  |
Each joy and every sorrow every heart has ever known
G        Em      |Asus4  A   
Touch upon God's timelessness

Interlude

Picture a |place so |open  it|reaches every |place
from vast |galaxies down to |leptons which our |senses can't per|ceive
|Mountaintops and deep |oceans, shining |stars and prison |cells
Im|merse in God's sacred |presence

Refrain:
     |G   Em     F#m         |Em   A/C#    Bm   |
O my God, You're beyond all imag  - in  -  ing
          Em           Gm          |Bm          
though we struggle and yearn to conceive
      |G   Em    F#m        |Em  A/C#   Bm  
You reveal yourself in your love for    us
        |G          A         |Interlude
Give us hearts that burn to believe

Con|ceive of every con|ception every |one has ever |fathomed
Phi|losophies and in|ventions, |plots, ideas and |schemes 
Each |wonder science dis|covers and |mysteries not yet re|vealed  |
Marvel at God's |boundless mind

Interlude

Consider a |love so |giving it |begs us all to |enter  |
Bearing each hurt and |betrayal, re|turning forgiveness and |peace   |
Shining great light in deep |darkness, bringing |hope to those in des|pair   |
Fall |into God's |loving arms

Refrain

Bridge:
G             Em              |G            A     |
  Since we're told that we're made in God's image
G        Em         |G       A     |
  We assign God our image as well
G          Em              |G            A        
  Bound by physics, space, time, and our feelings
    |G             Em    |G                 |Asus4   |A Tacet 
our minds cannot hope to grasp all that God is

But know this small |child, one |infant who |touches every |person For|saking the glory  of |heaven to be|come as one of |us     |
Born to deliver, by |dying and rising, |all people unto him|self
Come |enter God's |very life

Refrain

© 2015, LifeKnell Music Ministry; All rights reserved.

Incarnation

(edited 10/10)
At last I think I have finished this song about which I was so excited when I started it, nearly two years ago. It turns out that I needed time away from it to get out of my own way, to figure out how to rework the lyrics so that, while they may actually seem more awkward (at the end of each verse and the bridge) to read, the music and therefore the entire song now flow much better, and the parallelism between the verses is vastly improved. I also have a tentative title that I like at least a little.

I am highly indebted to the motivational influence of other wonderful songwriters. I was inspired to start this song after hearing the talented members of the Heider family share their music in a house concert. I was moved to revisit it after rehearsing for the first time with Keri Edwards, Kris Krumal and Nic Cardilino to accompany their wonderful songwriters' concert.

This is, of course, too long, and way heady, but there is a point to both of these shortcomings, as it's so broad in what it attempts to convey (which may literally be the understatement of all time and eternity).


Incarnation

Imagine a time: one moment containing every moment
Poignant, mundane, breathtaking, heartrending and sublime
Each joy and every sorrow every heart has ever known
Touch upon God's timelessness

Picture a place so open it reaches every place
from vast galaxies down to leptons which our senses can't perceive
Mountaintops and deep oceans, shining stars and prison cells
Immerse in God's sacred presence

Refrain:
O my God, you're beyond all imagining
though we struggle and yearn to conceive
You reveal yourself in your love for us
Give us hearts that burn to believe

Conceive of every conception everyone has ever fathomed
Philosophies and inventions, plots, ideas and schemes
Each wonder science discovers and mysteries not yet revealed
Marvel at God's boundless mind

Consider a love so giving it begs us all to enter
Bearing each hurt and betrayal, returning forgiveness and peace
Shining great light in deep darkness, bringing hope to those in despair
Fall into God's loving arms

Refrain

Bridge:
Since we're told that we're made in God's image
We assign God our image as well
Bound by physics, space, time and our feelings
Our minds cannot hope to grasp all that God is

But know this small child, one infant who touches every person
Forsaking the glory of heaven to become as one of us
Born to deliver, by dying and rising, all people unto himself
Come enter God's very life

Refrain

© 2014, 2015, LifeKnell Music Ministry; All rights reserved.

Transforming (phase 4) - Jesus appears to the disciples on the road to Emmaus (step 30) - session 2

1 Peter 1:3-12

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! By his great mercy we have been born anew to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and to an inheritance which is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. - (3-5)

I fail in different ways to live out the full implications of the second half of verse 3. Sometimes I try to be born anew by my own efforts, which invariably fall short. Then and at other times, I fail to let God make me anew by forsaking my former ways of being which Jesus has nailed to death on his cross, choosing to remain my old self rather than letting God keep making me into my new self. Since my relationship with my bride is so rooted in my brokenness, this includes various aspects of being in relationship with her, but in fairness to both of us, we are both a part of that problem. I think she would admit as much, even as we both continue to seek to grow together in new ways.

Well, I could take off on that tangent and fail to return to the good news here, so . . .

And that good news is found in verse 5: it isn't in my own power that I am guarded for my final and total salvation and sanctification, but by God's power. It is because of God's grace and mercy that the imperishable, undefiled, unfading inheritance awaits this mortal, sinful man, not because I deserve it but because Jesus has purchased it by his death and brought it to fruition by his resurrection and by his Spirit. Perhaps he keeps it in heaven for us because only then shall we be fully able to walk in it in eternal purity.

In this you rejoice - (6a) though surely not as consistently as I ought!

In this you rejoice, though now for a little while you may have to suffer various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold which though perishable is tested by fire, may redound to praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Without having seen him you love him; though you do not now see him you believe in him and rejoice with unutterable and exalted joy. As the outcome of your faith you obtain the salvation of your souls. - (6-9)

Many times when I pray with others, it so often starts with a reminder of verses 3-7, though I haven't realized this. But God's mercy, grace and love far overcome the trials we may have to suffer, having our dross burned off so that God may be glorified by his work in and through our lives. As our attention is increasingly consumed by our circumstances, we lose sight of the greater victory that has already been secured for us. After allowing the Spirit to remind us of this, we then have the right perspective to ask God for the blessing we think we need in this specific situation and the humility to ask him to provide for what we really need - and help us accept it - if it's different from what we think. I think it's the latter part that brings us peace, when we know that we can trust God to do what is best for us.

The truth is, the trials we now suffer are as nothing compared to the eternal celebration that is ours.

The prophets who prophesied of the grace that was to be yours searched and inquired about this salvation; they inquired what person or time was indicated by the Spirit of Christ within them when predicting the sufferings of Christ and the subsequent glory.  It was revealed to them that they were serving not themselves but you, in the things which have now been announced to you by those who preached the good news to you through the Holy Spirit sent from heaven, things into which angels long to look. - (10-12)

Likewise, as recipients of this grace and glory, we are likewise called to serve others as we walk together through our various trials, that we may all receive this inheritance, with both its eternal rejoicing and its present comfort.

Conforming (phase 2), God Prepares a Way for Our Salvation - The Mystery of the Incarnation (step 8), Session 3

The Magnificat

He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts. - Lk 1, 51b (RSV, NKJV)

I love reading different translations of familiar scripture passages. I imagine that Mary's canticle has been set to music more often than any other New Testament passage, and while it may be most cherished in Catholic circles, other Christian denominations also treasure this passage as a wonderful model of unbridled praise and worship. I have personally sung at least a half-dozen arrangements, and written one as well (though a friend recently pointed out that my chord progression was heavily influenced by Styx). I have prayed it as part of evening prayer on many occasions.

Here are some other translations of this verse with which I was familiar:

• (he has) dispersed the arrogant of mind and heart. (NAB)
• he has routed the arrogant of heart. (NJB)
• he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.  (NIV)
• he hath scattered the proud in the conceit of their heart. (Douay-Rheims)

Because of my experience with this canticle of praise, I really expected no new revelation this morning from this familiar passage. You'd think I'd know better by now.  As he has done from the beginning, God once again breathes new life through his Word. This idea of the proud (of which I have too often been a member) and the "imagination of their hearts" really resonates with me. So often I imagine myself as more than - more accurately, something different from what - I really am, to the detriment of those around me and also of all that I am and am called to be.  

Isn't it strange that the greatest self-concept that our pride conjures up in the imagination of our hearts can never be so great as the true self into which God calls us to grow? Isn't it odd that the bliss we imagine could be ours and for which we pine fails to approach the joy which is already ours for the living?

(Okay, this next paragraph should be read with an exclamation point at the end of every sentence, but I hate it when people write that way . . . )

Now, to focus too much on this particular verse is to miss this great canticle's whole point. God is so much greater than both our biggest imagining and our greatest failure. He has already blessed us so abundantly, with boundless love past and present, with comfort in the midst of great heartache, with joy beyond telling, with wonder and awe at the marvels of this world, all of which are a foretaste of all that he has in store for us. God's greatness can be seen both in what he has done for us and in what he has promised to do, and as we have lately discussed in this context, God keeps every promise and makes possible that which we cannot even imagine.

This great proclamation of praise offers us so much to consider about God's great glory.  I've intentionally begun this session today so that I might have time to reflect on it another day; more to come . . .

Conforming (phase 2), God Prepares a Way for Our Salvation - The Mystery of the Incarnation (step 8), Session 2

The Visitation

"And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfilment of what was spoken to her from the Lord." - Lk 1, 45

Yes!! This!! Each of our lives is blessed to its greatest possible abundance when we believe that there will be a fulfillment of what the Lord has spoken to us!  This is a true Advent: to spend these weeks longing for God's presence, asking and allowing the Holy Spirit to help us believe what we have not quite been able to fully believe on our own:

• That we can do what God is calling us to do, because God empowers us (see last item)
• That we can count on God o fulfill his promise to provide for our needs  
• That God's desire for us to do what he is calling us to do is not rooted in some despotic wish to control our lives and deprive us of joy, but instead in a deep love for us and a desire to maximize the blessings he pours out in and through our lives
• That the things we choose in God's stead are a vaporous mirage
• That adoring, praising, and worshiping the Savior leads us to all of the "more practical" ways of living out the Gospel in our lives
• That holiness and sacrificial love are not burdens, but the great gift which is our only means of participating in the life and presence of God 
• That the Holy Spirit indeed dwells in us, sanctifying us and drawing us ever deeper into the love of the Triune God

Sometimes my unbelief can feel overwhelming, yet God's gift of faith remains. As we heard in Sunday's second reading:

May the God of peace himself sanctify you wholly; and may your spirit and soul and body be kept sound and blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful, and he will do it. - 1 Thes 5, 23-24

It is not us doing this, though we must participate in the process. I don't primarily sanctify myself or keep myself sound and blameless, though I must cooperate in both these things. But having given my fiat, I will trust - and ask - God's Spirit to be at work in me to fulfill what he has spoken.

Thoughts inspired by a message conversation with a friend

"I am just trying to receive the current circumstances of my life as a gift, a glimpse into God's love for his beloved sons and daughters who choose our self-centered roads over his greater desire for us. How he aches for our sake, when we lack the sense to recognize our own pain. I am also trying to remember that I am not supposed to find fulfillment in anyone except him, and to stop looking for it whence it cannot come. And I am trying to trust that he will provide it . . . .

"I feel like Lucy Pevensie's siblings in Prince Caspian: following her because I cannot see who she sees; not even quite daring to believe she has actually seen him, either; taking direction more from knowing that I lack any other way forward than from knowing God himself."

Should I take comfort that I have finally entered into the dark night of the soul, as opposed to the mere self-neglect that has heretofore been the primary constant within my spiritual walk?

Like the deer that yearns for running streams, so my soul is yearning for you, my God. My soul is thirsting for God, the living God; when can I enter and appear before the face of God? My tears have become my bread, by day, by night, as they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?” These things will I remember as I pour out my soul: For I would go to the place of your wondrous tent, all the way to the house of God, amid cries of gladness and thanksgiving, the throng keeping joyful festival. Why are you cast down, my soul; why groan within me? Hope in God; I will praise him yet again, my saving presence and my God. My soul is cast down within me, therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and Mount Hermon, from the Hill of Mizar. Deep is calling on deep, in the roar of your torrents; your billows and all your waves swept over me. By day the LORD decrees his merciful love; by night his song is with me, prayer to the God of my life. I will say to God, my rock, “Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning oppressed by the foe?” With a deadly wound in my bones, my enemies revile me, saying to me all the day long, “Where is your God?” Why are you cast down, my soul; why groan within me? Hope in God; I will praise him yet again, my saving presence and my God. - Ps 42

with a thirst brought on by not finding water for desperate days on end though sometimes I mistake things far less than you for the object of my desire I look for sustenance from the wrong sources, from the very gifts with which you have graced me. This false bread can never sustain me. Only you can satisfy I remember the days when the simple act of praising you was sufficient to lift my spirit, to allow me to hope in you why does even praising you fail to bring me comfort? it is this vocation for which I am created. yet I will not stop praising merely because it brings no relief; indeed, you are no less worthy of my praise, and praising you is still your gift to me. the depths of my thirst long to drink from the depths of your love. as well they should. Indeed, I revile myself. yes, I shall praise you all my days, each day that you grant me, though hope itself should seem to abandon me.

Perhaps I can find a crumb of comfort in knowing that Jesus himself prayed this Psalm.

Autumn:

the season in which my heart always feels perpetually broken. Those early seasons of uncertain fear, of rejection, of violation, of brokenness seem to echo in my emotions even when their spiritual hold has been broken.

Our hearts are restless until they rest in You. - St. Augustine, Confessions

Only when I am praising do I feel whole.

Reforming (phase 1), Our Human Vocation (step 2), session 5

Cry out with joy to the LORD, all you lands!
Serve the LORD with gladness!
Come into his presence with singing!

Know that he, the LORD, is God!
It is he that made us, and we are his;
we are his people, and the sheep of his flock.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving,
and his courts with praise!
Give thanks to him, bless his name!

For the LORD is good;
his steadfast love endures for ever,
and his faithfulness to all generations. - Ps 100

Whatever our specific calling, this is indeed each person's vocation: to praise God with our voices, our hearts, our lives. Every other thing that we do will find its context in this.

There are only five sessions to this step, so I will be moving on to the next step. But this one has served as a good reminder of the importance of daily praise, and a barometer indicating just how far I have drifted from having this as part of my daily life of faith.

Exercises - the first step, session one

For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and return not thither but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes forth from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and prosper in the thing for which I sent it. "For you shall go out in joy, and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands." Is 55, 10-12

They had better, for I often find that I cannot.

But that is the purpose of embarking upon this retreat. My participation in my prayer life has too long been a matter of how I feel rather than simply waiting faithfully upon God. I am more than my feelings, whatever they may be. And I am more than my tendency to engage in pride, to impress with my insight.

Even my blogging can be that, though this is now for me just a place where I can retrace my steps along these exercises. If I should borrow Miss Manners' term - Gentle Reader - I must first associate these words with myself, for whom they have often been not terribly accurate.

Lord, allow your word to water me, to make this dry seed bring forth and sprout. Let my entire soul join the mountains and the hills in song, and the trees in claps of rhythm and praise to your glory.

Maybe the four greatest characters since the tetragrammaton:

HE>i

A better choice than stewing

"Offer praise as your sacrifice to God;
fulfill your vows to the Most High.
Then call on me on the day of distress;
I will rescue you, and you shall honor me."

"Those who offer praise as a sacrifice honor me;
I will let him whose way is steadfast
look upon the salvation of God." - Ps 50, 14-15, 23

God is good!

The strangest inspiration

Tuesday a week ago was the roughest evening I've had in some time. We'd cancelled our prayer meeting the week before because of weather, and had lost the two previous meetings due to the holidays, so it had been four weeks since I'd been to prayer group. Over almost three decades this has become one of my greatest sources of perspective and growth. No matter how much praying on my own I might be doing, I soon feel out of touch with God if I am not involved in praise and worship. As we gather together to praise God and open our hearts to him, submitting to the Spirit's movement in scripture and prophecy, and then break open the upcoming Sunday's gospel reading, I find insight into my life that I don't get in any other context. My personal prayer time draws nourishment from this weekly time; indeed, my entire walk is strengthened. Even though I receive Jesus himself in Eucharist, weekly Mass doesn't provide all that I need to sustain my journey. On the one hand, Jesus is everything, and there should be no "other hand." On the other hand, God has formed this one part of my spirituality to be filled by a different form of worship. Don't get me wrong, prayer group is no substitute for the Eucharist, which I expect I would similarly feel starved - probably quicker - without. But I never go more than a week without attending Mass. Ideally, each Eucharistic celebration would incorporate praise and worship and reflection and the spiritual gifts in addition to the physical presence of Christ. So while I wouldn't choose charismatic worship over receiving Jesus' sacred Body and Blood, it is nonetheless an important element of my faith walk, and I had very much been missing it. The other regular opportunity that I've had to lead praise and worship, prior to the first Friday evening Mass, had also been cancelled due to weather.

So last Tuesday my tank was running empty, and I was so glad to be getting back where I needed to be. I was on my way into the kitchen to kiss my wife goodbye when she brought up a faux pas I'd made earlier in the day. After a long history we had agreed that I wouldn't correct her online anymore, yet without thinking I'd told a younger friend what she'd meant to say on a birthday post, which contained a Swype-induced error that wouldn't have necessarily been obvious to the recipient. I didn't even consider it a correction of a mistake. My wife, on the other hand, very clearly did, and asked me again as I was leaving to please stop correcting her online. I immediately knew what she was referring to, and it seemed so minor and nit-picky an offense - although clearly a repeat infraction - that I felt attacked, and so I over-reacted terribly. (That may be as much of an understatement as one can have over a mere two words.)

Well, after that I was definitely not in any frame of mind nor state of peace to lead worship. This was clearly a case of if you there recall that your brother has something against you (Mt 5: 23), and I needed to resolve that before I could make an offering of praise. I stuck my head in at prayer group long enough to explain that I couldn't stay, and went back home to try to deal with things with my bride. 

My wife was understandably and unmistakably not ready to reconcile with me over this. I wouldn't have been, either, in her shoes, and to my credit I realized this in the moment, upset with myself and determined to respect her need for time and space. I sat in the living room while she finished what she was working on in the kitchen, and remained there for some time after she retired to the spare room where she has been watching t.v. during the colder weather. Finally I went downstairs, where I laid upon the sofa in the dark, not wanting to distract myself with the television or other entertainment. A few hours later as my wife was preparing to retire to bed, she came partway down the steps to ask me if I intended to sleep where I was. It is very rare for us to go to bed without reconciling, yet her annoyance was still obvious in her tone of voice. I really didn't know how to bridge the gap between us in that moment, so I replied that since she clearly hadn't wanted to be in my company, I'd thought I would stay where I was. Normally she would have made an overture at that point that would serve as an opportunity to talk about things, at least briefly, but she simply wasn't up to it yet. 

By this point I was feeling hurt by her rejection as much as I was upset with myself for causing it. I was on very unfamiliar ground, as I didn't feel at all confident that just waking up in the morning was going to provide some magical or inspired insight into how to bridge the gap between us. I just continued to lie there and try to sleep, without much success.

After a while I began to hear a noise from upstairs. It was clearly not my wife; I'd have heard her footfalls starting from back down the hall in our bedroom. I soon realized that it was our dog, who usually spends the night on the living room sofa. We block his access to the family room when no one is home and at night, as he has a history of accidents down there at these times. The gate we installed at the top of the stairs sufficed for several years, but within the past year he has figured out that he can squeeze through the bars of the railing, which we've started blocking with one of my guitar cases. Usually this does the job, unless something really gets his attention, such as the house being under attack by the Evil Mail Carrier. In such dire circumstances he has learned to nuzzle the guitar case out of the way so that he can squeeze through the railing. I began to suspect that my unprecedented presence downstairs at night in the dark was motivating him to try to join me. Sure enough, within a couple of minutes I felt him jump up onto the sofa with me and curl up behind my knees.

I was struck by his determination. In the moment I probably anthropomorphized a bit - as much as I love our dog, I probably don't understand the canine mind quite enough to get what was really driving him, aside from his desire to be with his pack if that was at all within his ability. It seemed to me that he had been singularly determined to overcome whatever obstacles there might have been to his being with me.

And I felt chagrined. I knew right away that he was a nobler dog than me. Shouldn't I have been more determined to overcome whatever obstacles I needed to, to do whatever was within my power to resolve things with my bride - especially when I had been the one to so exacerbate our disagreement - and be with the woman who has loved me through hell and back for three decades? 

Inspired, I got up from the sofa went upstairs, sat on the edge of the bed for a couple minutes before laying down across my side of it and putting my head on her hip. After a minute the weight of my skull became uncomfortable and she lightly batted at my head, then realized it was me and apologized. We didn't exactly talk things through in that moment, but it was clear that we both wanted us both to be there, to be together, to be our couple-self. That was good enough for the moment. 

It was still not a very good night's sleep thereafter, but I couldn't bring myself to banish our dog back to his place in the living room when he'd been such an example for me.

And seeing as prayer group was "weathered out" again this week, I'm going to be especially careful between now and next Tuesday!

Giving birth to the Savior

Mary said: My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord, my spirit rejoices in God my Savior. The Lord has exalted me with a gift so great, so unheard of, that language is useless to describe it, and the depths of love in my heart can scarcely grasp it. I offer then all the powers of my soul in praise and thanksgiving. As I contemplate his greatness, which knows no limits, I joyfully surrender my whole life, my senses, my judgment, for my spirit rejoices in the eternal Godhead of that Jesus, that Savior, whom I have conceived in this world of time. - From a commentary on Luke by St. Bede the Venerable

I am certain that all of us underestimate what a great gift God has bestowed upon us. There is certainly a great dearth of gratitude to him for him, and I fail as greatly as anyone in this, settling my attention to often upon what I perceive to be my lack rather than on God's abundant Providence. Especially when I consider that Christ dwells within me by the Holy Spirit and that I, like Mary, am blessed with the unspeakable honor of bearing him to the world, my heart finally begins to overflow with the praise that should be the hallmark of my entire life.

Let my soul proclaim your greatness, O Lord, unrestricted by my mind's and my heart's frequent distractedness by less important things.