Another stripe

I get home from rehearsal, hang up my coat, and go downstairs to kiss you.  You're still feeling lousy, and I hate that you do. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do for you. I ask what you're watching, and it's some movie or other you've found.  I don't mind too much that you made it a priority to go help your friend with sewing today, even though you felt so poorly, or that you basically haven't had anything left after that beyond sitting around watching whatever you've managed to find throughout the afternoon and evening.

I go upstairs and use the bathroom, then come down with my computer bag to sit with you.  That's when you inform me that you're now watching The Bachelor.  "How long?" I ask.  "An hour," you reply, then double check it. "Two hours."  I glumly turn around and walk back upstairs, where we continue our separate lives for another evening.  I can only surmise that there's no room for me in the middle of what you're already dealing with, even though I just want to spend the evening with you.  That's better than thinking that the programs you watch are more important to you than our relationship is. I guess tonight, at least, I should have been more prepared for this, and should take comfort in knowing it's the season finale.

I need to talk with you about all of this, and about finding a path forward that accommodates our disparate sets of needs. I can't do it while you're so sick, though, and I still need a while longer to get my thoughts finished.  I'm close.  I am not at all sanguine that it's going make any difference, but I owe it to myself and to the both of us to try before resigning myself to the status quo.

Because I know how terrible you're feeling, I'm going to stop writing and go clean the kitchen.  Then I'm going to take the trash out, and maybe read a little, and try to get my eyes and my mind on something better.

I should probably have told you at some point that more of my coworkers were let go today.  I just don't know when I could have done that. But because I couldn't find a chance to do that, I ended up dealing with a very hard day by myself, and that made it harder.