Rough morning

Things in double quotes were actually said. Things in single quotes merely ran around my neural network without escaping (until now):

My wife answers the phone as I'm getting out of the shower. It's our grown daughter letting us know that her car has broken down on her way to work, on a very busy street about twenty-five minutes away, and trying to figure out what she should do. 'Okay, what's that have to do with us?' My first inclination was for her to have it towed to our mechanic, and that turned out to be how things ended up. But she said she thought it might be the serpentine belt, which sounded consistent with how it broke down, so I'm thinking, 'well, even though that wasn't on my radar for today, and even if it might not be our responsibility to take care of, i can save her some $ by doing that for her. those are generally fairly easy. but i'll have to go have a look and figure out what engine she has in that thing so i can get her a belt. oh, and i'll need to put the toolbox in the car.' "I'll call in to work and let them know I'll be late."

Our daughter's call had come in as my wife was trying to get out the door to the gym, and she had just been observing how our neighbor who rides with her - who doesn't drive at all - always seems to have something she's still doing to get ready at the time my wife has set to leave. Meanwhile, our daughter is stuck sitting in her car because of the heavy traffic, and it occurs to me: 'y'know, we'd better make sure this is the belt, or i'm gonna eat time off of work for no reason. i'm not going to be able to fix anything else on the spot that might be the problem. oh, and i'd better not forget that toolbox.'  I try to explain to my wife where to have our daughter look to check the belt, while our daughter continues to wait for a break in the traffic that will let her get out of her vehicle. By now I'm toweled off, shaved, and have my teeth brushed.

My wife tries to give me the phone. 'Yes, it would be easier for me to explain this to her directly, but,' "No, I need to keep getting ready." At this point I just need to floss and get dressed. My wife replies, testily, "I need to go to the gym."  "No. I need to be ready to go straight to work after this. Your plans are going to have to take a hit, too." With escalating tension and volume, of course.  "But our neighbor is at the door," she replies, as if I should be able to see how urgent it is for her to leave, which I can't.  "So tell her she'll have to wait!" 'i mean, really? i'm supposed to take off of work to deal with this but you can't wait to get out the door to the gym until we know what's going on, when you've got *nothing* to do today?' Now she's hurt, "Do you really have to speak to me like that?" "Yeah, I do." 'i've tried several times to get you to just hang on and you've basically ignored me, acting like this shouldn't interfere with your agenda at all, too, now that we've determined it's probably affecting mine. Toolbox.' "No, you don't," she replies.  Then, as she's walking down the hall, I say something, more quietly but still audibly, that I really shouldn't; as it is particularly hurtful.

I really hate that I said it. In fact, I'm glad I wrote about it, because I don't think it really registered with me how ugly and hurtful it was until I thought about it again outside the moment. The thing is, whenever a crisis comes up, I almost always know intuitively and immediately how to respond to it: when to wait and what information to gather; once that's in, what the path forward should be; when to reengage in what resolution activity. But that the people around me aren't seeing that arc, and I should be careful in how I communicate? That usually isn't on my radar, especially when their not getting it is interfering with the arc.

Our daughter tells my wife that she already bought a belt the previous weekend when the oil change place said the existing one was cracked, so I quit thinking about having to find an AutoZone (etc.) and figure out what engine she has. I suddenly remember that we're living in the second decade of the 21st century, and have my wife tell her to take a picture of the correct end of the motor and send it to my phone.

By the time I get it, I'm dressed and ready.  The belt is plainly in place, so we tell our daughter to call for a tow, and my wife calls our mechanic to let him know the car will be coming there. 'i guess i can quit worrying about the toolbox.'  My wife and I coordinate who will pick up our daughter if she needs a ride to work - she suggests right away that she can - and manage a few moments to start reconciling from our disagreement before she and the neighbor leave for the gym and I leave for work.

In writing the first draft of this, I realize I'm still going to have to let her know how sorry I am for my worst comment, though.  Later I do; she tells me that she didn't hear the comment, and I apologize for it anyway.