Balancing

That said, I think we - the more introspective of us, at least; maybe everyone isn't so driven in this area - have a legitimate need to express our innermost self, and sometimes there may be reasons why the partner to whom we have committed our lives may not be the best person to share all of those things with.  Even if he or she may wish to fill that role for us, not every spouse is equipped to receive us without feeling threatened, no matter how committed the partners might be to each other and no matter how much we might try to share our selves in a nurturing and nonthreatening way.

The first priority when facing such conflicting needs must be our partner's needs, especially for security.  But our own need for expression and sharing cannot lie very far behind it.  It falls to us to first make every opportunity to reinforce the former, then find an outlet for the latter that is non-indulgent and holds no risk of creating emotional distance - let alone harm - between us.

For instance, there was a time when I was convinced that my wife didn't "get me."  I've long since learned that this judgment was part of how I promoted my self-esteem at her expense, and no longer need or want to put her down in that way nor seek to exalt the selfish parts of myself.  Nonetheless, she has made clear - in so many words - that there are some parts of me that simply don't interest her, both personal interests and aspects of my self that don't appeal to her.  If I insist that she cannot embrace me without becoming more accepting of these interests and traits because of how fundamentally I may view them as a part of myself, I am only going to create a greater gulf between us by fomenting resentment and insecurity in both our hearts.

So I must lay those things down.