Newer, better dynamics

(trying not to crawl back inside now . . . )

It has taken me a long time to learn how to balance the connectivity that I need - yes, need - with my marriage. Or, I suppose it's more accurate to say that it has taken me the longest time to recognize the connectivity I need within my marriage, and not misuse the connectivity I find outside of it. For the longest time I turned it into a false god, succumbing to the temptation to pursue it no matter what emotional toll it took on my bride. She deserved so much better than she got from me in those early years.

It took me the longest time after that to learn that I could be close to someone in ways that she and I cannot be close - because we are not equipped to be close in those ways - without hurting her with it by rejecting the treasure of the closeness and love and commitment that she and I do share. In fact, for the longest time, I felt that I had to forsake myself utterly to be the husband that she deserves. I was willing to do that because I was certain that I didn't deserve to connect with others anyway.

The aftermath of all of this is that it has taken a long time for her to trust me not to hurt her again, because I would previously withdraw from her in contrast as I entered into the friendships I'd find. I was so selfish. Part of what made it hard was that we had initially established such an unhealthy basis for our relationship together, each focused primarily on using our relationship as a means to provide for a lack in our own lives, while not really having a real friendship of our own built on common interests beyond our neediness and our children.

We've finally gotten past that, and our communication together of late has been incredible. But several challenging truths remain. A side effect of the dysfunction in which we first came together is that pursuing the things we each enjoy will always tend to take us in different directions. So many of our mismatching interests offer little common ground, which can leave us feeling isolated from each other. I am now careful to avoid doing that to her, but I often feel alone, and no amount of our discussing this, even in therapy, has produced an answer to that. It remains incumbent on me to meet her where she is, and that's okay. I will do that, where I can. (Still, there are things I will never watch on television.)

It is good that I am no longer looking to my wife - nor to anyone else in her stead - to fulfill me in ways that no human is really meant to do for another. It is good to understand and trust that my Shepherd is the one who supplies my need. And it is good to appreciate the precious gifts through whom He does that for who they are, and not need to force them into something that will meet some unhealthy inner perceived lack.