Life and death

When I was last alive, I learned to be a friend
and loving husband simultaneously

Before that I was not a person you would want to know

Well-earned self-judgment had convinced me
that I deserved no better than to utterly
quash my own needs and interests
and simply serve from within my grave
a cold blade slid along my wrist
periodically affirmed that I was not ready
to die physically, as I had emotionally

A friend helped me believe that maybe I deserved better
But decades old reality made that 

a frustration that still remains

A long time before, I'd fallen deeply in love
while my bride continued the affair
that substituted for the respect I didn't give
That relationship helped me forgive her, saved our marriage
But allowed an impure spirit freer reign in my life
It was another self-indulgence
as he'd imposed the pattern upon me those years before
making sure I couldn't leave the room
until we'd both achieved release
He'd taught me not to control myself
To resist temptation without success

Next came the twisted manifestation that
deeply hurt everyone I love
They've all forgiven me, every single one
Yet still I struggle to forgive myself

In the intervening years I have made do
with poor excuses for being whole again
indulged small personal sin that I convinced myself
wasn't hurting anyone except maybe myself
momentary escape that bathed my brain 

in enough of its own chemicals 

that I could live with my empty other half of the bed
while the one i love chose instead to occupy
her hours with whatever was on the tube
"I'm a tv addict" she protests,
"And that's all there is to it.
I always have been and I always will be."
I haven't bothered yearning, because 

I still don't believe I deserve better
Or maybe I just know what I am called to do
and remain determined to do it
no matter what decision someone else makes.

The present stands in contrast as I live again
without temptation, or conflict between my needs and my bride's
Simply enjoying the presence of a friend
who helps me feel alive
without contrasting unfavorably against my life's partner
It has been a great pleasure to spend this time with you
To play, to enjoy your company,
to love and value you and not be tempted

I know you must leave soon, to go back to your life
For your sake, and your groom's, I am glad that you are going
I hope to stay alive once you are gone
and not return to the empty longing of my living grave