Damn

That hurts.

Don't worry; it isn't you. You were going to be gone next week anyway. And you've made it clear that the friendship I wanted with you is outside of your boundaries. It was probably outside of mine, too, when I first wrote this and didn't publish it, because I can't let myself be closer to anyone than I am with my bride. Maybe your reluctance was just because you knew you'd be leaving soon, but I think otherwise.

It's okay. Those are your boundaries to set. I certainly don't think of myself as worthy of your friendship, anyway.

But that does leave me alone here on the outside of everyone I want to be inside of. And you aren't the one that it really hurts to be rejected by.

It also leaves me still feeling called to share a testimony with you that we'd both apparently rather I just keep to myself.

Because I feel rejected, and hurt, and confirmed in my fundamental self belief.

I had almost convinced myself otherwise.

I don't know. Maybe I just ought to keep my thoughts to myself, y'know?

When the phone rings

I've quit checking whether it's for me.

Life and death

When I was last alive, I learned to be a friend
and loving husband simultaneously

Before that I was not a person you would want to know

Well-earned self-judgment had convinced me
that I deserved no better than to utterly
quash my own needs and interests
and simply serve from within my grave
a cold blade slid along my wrist
periodically affirmed that I was not ready
to die physically, as I had emotionally

A friend helped me believe that maybe I deserved better
But decades old reality made that 

a frustration that still remains

A long time before, I'd fallen deeply in love
while my bride continued the affair
that substituted for the respect I didn't give
That relationship helped me forgive her, saved our marriage
But allowed an impure spirit freer reign in my life
It was another self-indulgence
as he'd imposed the pattern upon me those years before
making sure I couldn't leave the room
until we'd both achieved release
He'd taught me not to control myself
To resist temptation without success

Next came the twisted manifestation that
deeply hurt everyone I love
They've all forgiven me, every single one
Yet still I struggle to forgive myself

In the intervening years I have made do
with poor excuses for being whole again
indulged small personal sin that I convinced myself
wasn't hurting anyone except maybe myself
momentary escape that bathed my brain 

in enough of its own chemicals 

that I could live with my empty other half of the bed
while the one i love chose instead to occupy
her hours with whatever was on the tube
"I'm a tv addict" she protests,
"And that's all there is to it.
I always have been and I always will be."
I haven't bothered yearning, because 

I still don't believe I deserve better
Or maybe I just know what I am called to do
and remain determined to do it
no matter what decision someone else makes.

The present stands in contrast as I live again
without temptation, or conflict between my needs and my bride's
Simply enjoying the presence of a friend
who helps me feel alive
without contrasting unfavorably against my life's partner
It has been a great pleasure to spend this time with you
To play, to enjoy your company,
to love and value you and not be tempted

I know you must leave soon, to go back to your life
For your sake, and your groom's, I am glad that you are going
I hope to stay alive once you are gone
and not return to the empty longing of my living grave

Today's words

usufruct /YOO-zuh-frukt/ - 1 : the legal right of using and enjoying the fruits or profits of something belonging to another  2 : the right to use or enjoy something

A newish WOTD. I'm pretty sure I have encountered it before, but I'll take it.

kleptocracy /\klep-ˈtä-krə-sē/ - government by those who seek chiefly status and personal gain at the expense of the governed; also :  a particular government of this kind

. . . or by those who steal from the governed (klepto)

HE>i

Sometimes we must be willing to do what He is asking of us, even if we don't like what it might cost us.

HE must increase; i must decrease.

A piece of dialog

I can relate to wanting to take a vacation from yourself.

Very nice weekend

Well, Friday night is lost in the blur of the weekend, aside from an early bed time and broken night's sleep. But Saturday's run was wonderful, and between the massage afterward and being well hydrated I had no issues with cramping. I slept better than all summer on Saturday night, and Sunday morning got a yard chore at least partially done. Then I watched a great round of golf; it was a shame both guys couldn't win this Open Championship. We enjoyed a really nice dinner with a dear friend, followed by taking my sweetie out for a $1.46 cone to celebrate Graeter's 146th anniversary.

Alas, I didn't sleep as well last night, but got up for a CrossFit session anyway this morning. I sure wish I hadn't interrupted my friend's sleep, though, so she could have joined me.

I think one of the best parts about where we are right now is the great communication we're sharing about things. I'm a little concerned about what "back to normal" might mean for both of us in another few weeks, but am meanwhile determined to enjoy this time.

It can feel nice to have an advance rejected in a loving way.

Dear God,

my Papa,

I believe that You love me dearly, and have revealed what is best for me. I believe that You delight in me. I love You, too, and delight in being in Your presence and praising You! I am certain that You are calling me to love as You have revealed and demonstrated, because that is what will best help me to know You and delight in You in return, and will fill my heart and my life and those around me with Your love.

I'm pretty sure I'm doing something wrong.

And it feels like it's killing me.

Not physically. But I keep having to cut off parts of me that I never thought were a problem, that shouldn't be a problem. I can't seem to love as it seems I ought - as I want to! - and also keep those parts of myself. Yet I also know I am loving well, that I am loving in the way that Your Son has said there is no greater love than.

Oh, I knew there were things that had to go, and broken things I needed You to heal. Some of them the world would promote and celebrate but are clearly not Your perfect will for us, that are part of our fallen nature. Others, well, no healthy person would accept.

But I keep thinking that You've gotten me well beyond those things, and still the pruning continues. I feel like You're cutting back the trunk.

Please help me.

Help me to know I'm okay. Or help me to know what to change.

Please don't let me keep nurturing parts of myself that really have to go.

But also, please don't let me keep feeling so lonely. So hurt.

I believe You're with me, but I often feel so alone.

A decent night's sleep matters. So does praise!

Monday night was awful. I was awake at least 5 separate times due to a combination of intestinal activity, cramping, and emotional factors. All of yesterday bore a shadow of exhaustion-induced hopelessness. It was hard for me to focus on the things that I need to in order to keep hope in sight.

Nothing about our circumstances has changed since; indeed, the evening was further confirmation of the things that confound me. Yet today I seem more able to remember the greater truths on which I need to keep my attention. As a result, despair seems further from me.

The two differences seem to be: a few consecutive solid hours of sleep, which followed a really nice prayer group last night.

I am healthier when I seek to be a more grateful person.

Being well-suited matters

It just does.

It's not everything you need for a successful relationship, and your relationship isn't doomed without it. But it makes a difference.

Socially impaired

I have long understood that you don't grasp how your words appear or sound to others. I don't mind helping you with that.

What drives me crazy is that you don't understand this about yourself, and resent me when I try to tell you even privately, even gently. No, adding an "LOL" doesn't make it okay to tease about not being invited to someone else's family event.

Since it bothers you so much, I guess I'll try stop telling you. It's probably a control issue on my part, anyway.

Three emotional tugs

The second doesn't really compare, but:

• Teri came up the stairs last night to show me an e-mail from a dear friend, whose wife, also a dear friend, is losing her long battle against brain cancer. I've probably known her from our prayer group for a quarter-century, and have gotten to know the two of them in a new way from marriage encounter over the last decade. 
• I awoke this morning from a strange dream featuring my grandfather and my sister. I haven't dreamed of either of them in so very long.
• Then saw that a dear parishioner's mom, also a parishioner, passed away from a mysterious illness. She'd been battling for so long, and I need to remember that she is now free!

I'm deciding to interpret the second of these as a reminder that these dear friends are entering more fully into God's presence amid the full communion of saints.

Sigh

Just keep laying it down . . .

I delight in you, my precious child! - the Father, to each of us

Two positive changes

I got out my guitar the other night, for no particular reason except to spend a few praise-filled moments in God's loving presence. I can't remember the last time I did that, so it has clearly been entirely too long.

While battling insomnia the same night, I spotted a book that has been on the coffee table for some time, the Unbound Ministry Guidebook. I've started working through the first chapters. The themes have been God's delight in us, the essential role of the Holy Spirit, and humility. The last book I read was Abba's Heart, also by Neal and Matt Lozano, but that was months ago. I've missed being a reader.

I can't help thinking that the first development has led to the second.

The Father's delight

I'm reading Neal Lozano again, this time the Unbound Ministry Guidebook. The entire book will not be as focused on this first chapter's theme as Abba's Heart is, but it has started out at this point, which is a nice reminder for me. I've been dealing with so much sleeplessness, and last night that came earlier than it has been, so I was able to read a bit in bed without disturbing my wife, who wasn't there yet.

I think that most people struggle with this idea that God takes delight in them individually. The general theological concept isn't so hard to apply to humanity as a whole, but to believe that God takes great joy in me is not so tenable for us. I have shared this idea with two people since last night: one called me crazy and the other ignored me.

It isn't so easy for me to believe, either, for that matter. I am not so in touch with God's love for me that it always overpowers my harsh self-judgment, and these responses add to my struggle by making me question: if it doesn't feel true for my beloved wife and dear friend, how could it possibly be true for me? Yet I believe that the reason that we are, respectively, spouses and friends is to help us know this truth in a way that leads us into the freedom which Christ has won for us.

The Five Keys of Unbound (faith and repentance, forgiveness, renunciation, authority, the Father's blessing), all required to fully unlock the spiritual freedom which Christ has won for us, are rooted this central idea: God takes great delight in us, and desires for us to know the joy of walking closely with Him. While we consider ourselves unworthy, our Father has revealed our true worth by giving his very Son to bring us back to Himself. This delight, likes His love, is unconditional. There is nothing we can do to keep God from rejoicing over us. Even when we sin, His anger is directed toward the thing that is separating us from Him, not toward His precious sons and daughters themselves. This is why St. Paul says that our struggle is not against flesh and blood (Eph 6:12).

Particularly, there are lies and schemes of our adversary that we must renounce, which he nurtures within us specifically to keep us from knowing this truth, so that we don't trust God sufficiently to enter into His freedom and receive God's abundant blessing. Our enemy wants us convinced that God's love for us is conditional, and to believe that we are certainly not going to meet the conditions.

But this lie is a carefully crafted scheme, designed to keep us from knowing the Truth. God delights in you, and delights in me, and wants us to receive the gift of delighting in Him in return.

If you're doing it right

Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. - The Man in Black

Love is, too. 

I don't know. Maybe that isn't true for everyone, but it has always been for me. I think that in the past this was largely because I was doing it wrong: I was too selfish, and my comparative approach caused pain that wasn't really necessary. But I find that even as I love in the ways that I am clearly - called? invited? ordained? privileged! blessed! - to love those around me, there is this exquisite, painful relinquishing of myself and my own will that I know is ultimately and infinitely better than self-protection could ever be.

Newer, better dynamics

(trying not to crawl back inside now . . . )

It has taken me a long time to learn how to balance the connectivity that I need - yes, need - with my marriage. Or, I suppose it's more accurate to say that it has taken me the longest time to recognize the connectivity I need within my marriage, and not misuse the connectivity I find outside of it. For the longest time I turned it into a false god, succumbing to the temptation to pursue it no matter what emotional toll it took on my bride. She deserved so much better than she got from me in those early years.

It took me the longest time after that to learn that I could be close to someone in ways that she and I cannot be close - because we are not equipped to be close in those ways - without hurting her with it by rejecting the treasure of the closeness and love and commitment that she and I do share. In fact, for the longest time, I felt that I had to forsake myself utterly to be the husband that she deserves. I was willing to do that because I was certain that I didn't deserve to connect with others anyway.

The aftermath of all of this is that it has taken a long time for her to trust me not to hurt her again, because I would previously withdraw from her in contrast as I entered into the friendships I'd find. I was so selfish. Part of what made it hard was that we had initially established such an unhealthy basis for our relationship together, each focused primarily on using our relationship as a means to provide for a lack in our own lives, while not really having a real friendship of our own built on common interests beyond our neediness and our children.

We've finally gotten past that, and our communication together of late has been incredible. But several challenging truths remain. A side effect of the dysfunction in which we first came together is that pursuing the things we each enjoy will always tend to take us in different directions. So many of our mismatching interests offer little common ground, which can leave us feeling isolated from each other. I am now careful to avoid doing that to her, but I often feel alone, and no amount of our discussing this, even in therapy, has produced an answer to that. It remains incumbent on me to meet her where she is, and that's okay. I will do that, where I can. (Still, there are things I will never watch on television.)

It is good that I am no longer looking to my wife - nor to anyone else in her stead - to fulfill me in ways that no human is really meant to do for another. It is good to understand and trust that my Shepherd is the one who supplies my need. And it is good to appreciate the precious gifts through whom He does that for who they are, and not need to force them into something that will meet some unhealthy inner perceived lack.

Still easily amused

Okay, I skipped the last hit-count palindrome I saw, but this one is 44444!

My vocation

I am so grateful for the opportunity to love my bride as God calls and enables me!

I've told hundreds of people my story.

The whole, ugly thing. Now, not as many people know how the fear of rejection still affects me, but it doesn't keep me from sharing, and I've started sharing that fear, too, because there is great help for others in my doing so.

But that isn't my biggest current struggle, which is hard to share for complicated reasons that have nothing to do with being ashamed of it.

The thing is, I know there's a fault in my thinking about this situation, and when I find that and correct it, this struggle will be won.

Is it anxiety if it's probably true?

An offer withdrawn

You have every right. I will always respect your privacy.

That's all the easier since I still believe that you wouldn't be my friend,anyway, if you knew how I used to be sick.