It just occurred to me . . .

. . . that my "healthy" life mostly consists of living as well as I can with the aftermath of decisions I made when I was unhealthy.

I suppose that's true for a lot of folks, though.

A stumbling stone

He will be the Truth that will offend them, one and all

A stone that makes men stumble, and a rock that makes them fall

And many will be broken so that He can make them whole

And many will be crushed and lose their own soul

Michael Card, Scandalon

I remember when I was confident that, by God's grace, I was in the former group.

Now I guess I'm just trying not to be a different kind of scandalon for others ever again.

A holistic approach

I keep telling people: the greatest work God (the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit) desires is to cause a single heart to fall in love with Him. There is no greater miracle, and the conversion and healing of the heart is the motivation for every other sign Jesus performed and every prayer that God answers for us now. Today's gospel reading, in which Jesus heals the paralytic after forgiving his sins (Mt 9: 1-8), illustrates this wonderfully.

Sometimes we accept the "this world" view of a situation as the full view. There are things with which we struggle that indeed have elements that are merely part of our own personality and brain chemistry and the habits we have formed over time. There are medical conditions which are solely a matter of their medical explanation. But in many cases, there are also spiritual components of these challenges which we ignore, asking God only for the grace to bear them rather than to solve the spiritual part of them. Unforgiveness alone plays a role we little understand in our bodies and our psyches, and it is also not entirely a matter of exercising our own will.

Until we bring the power of the cross, and the freedom which Christ has won for us thereby, to bear against these bondages which have come into our lives through our responses to a variety of hurtful, unhealthy, or sinful situations, we will only be addressing a part of the problem. Just as someone who deals with chronic - or even situational depression - may do themselves an injustice by not availing themselves of the professional help that is available, even more futile is our refusal to trust in the power of the cross to address any spiritual element of our struggles.

There is bondage in our lives from which Christ wants to set us free, as part of the whole solution for which He is providing.

I get this, too

I never even considered, but I hear so much of myself in this.

Two scriptures

I'm not going to look up the chapters and verses for these right now:

Whoever loses his life for my sake, and that of the gospel, will save it.

There is no greater love than this: to lay down one's life for a friend. 

There are times when I can clearly see the truth of these words of Jesus.

There are other times when the hope they offer seems far from me.

I wonder whether the chief difference between those times might primarily be on where my attention lies, and on whether I am trying to take the life that I have long since laid down for Christ and for those I love back up for myself.

There is no gift of God . . .

. . . without the potential for great misery, if we receive it wrongly.  But in His goodness, God will keep us safe from the misery of each gift if we will seek that gift only according to His will, as a means of being drawn closer to Himself.

Deeply moved and affirmed

I can't believe I haven't shared about this already. I think it's because I was too busy dealing with my Father's Day anxiety by the time I was back at a computer to share it.

The whirlwind trip to MD for my wife's brother-in-law's surprise 70th birthday party was wonderful in several ways. A yummy crabcake lunch was followed by an unexpected afternoon visit to Annapolis. A miscommunication kept me from visiting my favorite aunt, but there was really nothing to be done about that. Then came the surprise party. I got to keep watch, and ask people whose cars Al would recognize to park around the side of the building. I was able to let everyone know when the guest of honor had arrived, and he was indeed taken by surprise.

After dinner, each of his surviving sons briefly shared about what his dad meant to him. After he took a moment to affirm them in return, as he approached to hug them, I noticed that he kissed each of them on the lips, and that they returned the affectionate gesture. I think I'd seen this exchange between them before, though it has been a couple of years for me. It is rare in our culture, of course, to see men express their love for each other in this way. I felt privileged to witness it, and a little jealous to not have sons of my own with whom to share in this beautiful exchange, made more touching by its rarity.

After the party, my wife and I did a bit of grocery shopping for the next day's drive home before returning to her sister and brother-in-law's house. He opened his cards and gifts, and soon it was time for me to retire for the evening. My long day had started about 4:30 a.m., and I knew I was on the hook for most of the drive back. I hugged my sister-in-law, who thanked me for lending her my wife and for coming. As I approached to hug her husband, Al kissed me on my lips.

This is a man who knows my worst moments, and who understandably took some time to come around to me thereafter. We have long since put that behind us, but I had no inkling that he would ever bestow on me the same gesture of love which I had just seen him share with his own sons. While I was surprised, I was also deeply touched, and am grateful that the unexpectedness of the moment did not cause me to hesitate to respond in kind.

I am still moved, beyond what these feeble words can express.

My mother's son?

I suppose that sometimes I have been so worried about not being my adoptive father's son that I have not been on guard against a different type of existential threat. I tell people that her worst fault was her taste in men, but I think that was just a symptom of her root issue: that woman was unmatched at hiding her self.

To be clear, though, rather than alarmist: I am not talking about a threat to actual physical existence here. 

Radio Silence

It's an important boundary - one I both respect and agree with, so I'm not complaining about it, let alone asking for a change or exception. Honest. Nonetheless, it can feel a little like waiting for a spacecraft to traverse the back of a heavenly body.

In an only marginally related observation: I can't complain at all about the first wakeup, but after two more, now I'd like to sleep for the remainder of the night.

Another page view palindrome

44244

For the first time ever

I reallocated my retirement fund balances based on the news before the markets opened. I realize that probably won't happen that fast, but still.

I think that it's no coincidence that Brexit and the Trump candidacy are happening in the same year.

Unbalanced friendships?

It occurs to me that my insistence on being forthcoming has had an interesting and potentially unhealthy side-effect. In every relationship in my life, my gratitude for the other's forgiveness or acceptance has become disproportionate. Perhaps this has become a continual reprise of a long-ago relationship decision, in which I love because I am loved. This is, of course, how our relationship with God is supposed to be, but I think that our human relationships are intended to be, in total, more balanced. And perhaps there's a flip side for others, too: maybe they feel internal pressure to remain my friend.

In some cases, I see that God has used this entire dynamic for good. But the latter part of it is related to what Fr. Kelty warned me against, so many years ago.

(I also think that I am entirely too "in my head" again.)

shhh

it's a secret.

you know how the TARDIS is bigger on the inside?

my life is (a different six-letter comparative adjective) on the inside.

Yes! Thank you!

Personage can also mean “a dramatic, fictional, or historical character.” Its least-common meaning still in current use is a synonym of “person.” The rareness of this use of the word may be due to a common prejudice against longer words used when shorter words can do the job (people criticize utilize when used to mean use for the same reason).

I realize that they're not saying that I'm right to criticize the use of utilize, but even though they're accusing me of a common prejudice, this blog post still feels like a validation. After all, I'm in the technical writing business, which has a different set of rules than creative writing, in which longer words may serve a useful purpose.

Dear coworkers

Can we please agree that our use:utilize ratio should always be greater than 4:1? Also, can we please agree that "in order to" may almost always be shortened to merely "to"?

Survived another Father's Day

No matter how much affirmation I've received, it's always my hardest day of the year. I guess my own opinion will always matter more to me than everyone else's; I realize that's probably a prideful spirit at work. But I also believe that most people would agree that there are some things that should always be hard to live with, that this was one of them, and that one day of utter torment per year is a small price to pay.

That's all the further that this mitigates that.

An overdue post

What do you say, on Father's Day, to a biological father who left you to return to his family shortly after you were born, not even leaving you his name for your own?

What do you say, on Father's Day, to an adoptive father who never managed to accept you for who you were, lived as long as he could in a bourbon bottle, and when he couldn't anymore, stopped living with a self-inflicted bullet?

What do you say, on Father's Day, to a stepfather who betrayed your trust and taught you to betray yourself, who systematically trained you that there was no denying the pleasure your body wanted, who warped your entire life?

Perhaps I can finally say, to each of them, two things that are very important for me: Thank you, and I forgive you.

Stanley: Thank you for giving me life; I would not exist without you. I forgive you for not knowing what was important for a while, and for siring me during that time, and for leaving me to go back where you belonged. I hope you found yourself there, and that the love of your wife and your children overcame the void you were trying to fill.

Gary: Thank you for trying to be the dad I needed. I forgive you for not knowing how to set aside your hopes and expectations for me, your longing for your own simpler days. I know that it would be unhealthy to apologize to you for not being the son you wanted. I hope that in death you have found the grace and peace that eluded you in life, that the Savior has welcomed you home to the place in the Father's heart to which he came to restore you.

Ed: Thank you for teaching me so many of the skills I've needed. I forgive you for misusing my sexuality to serve yours, which of course you were also misusing at the same time. I hope that you have broken the bonds of sexual slavery which you did not understand were consuming you.

I struggle, still, to give this reality full rein in my life, but I pray, heavenly Father, that you will provide for each of these men the wholeness in You which we all need.

Palindrome week

Every year this decade has featured periods in which the date (using the 2-digit year) are palindromic. We're in one of those periods now.

Ignorance is bliss

I read an article this morning about things you are/were better off not knowing. There were a few on the list, which was mostly pretty specific, that I do wish I still didn't know. But I have two general ones to add:

• Other people's worst moment.
• What they think of yours.

zzz

I haven't slept well in so long that this morning I can't tell if I'm feeling depressed or just exhausted.

Love

My second best reunion of the week happens this evening.

The best one(s) will happen on Saturday.

I suppose that, between them, they more than make up for the one I missed last weekend.

But . . .

. . . the love and grace I have received is my answer to the call of despair.

Today's words

A pair of new words from today's Dictionary Devil puzzle:

dragoman \ˈdra-gə-mən\ - an interpreter chiefly of Arabic, Turkish, or Persian employed especially in the Near East

I'd've probably mispronounced this with a long vowel in the first syllable. And I'd certainly have used the alternate plural of "dragomen" rather then the preferred plural formed by adding an "s." 

kerf \ˈkərf\ -  1.  a slit or notch made by a saw or cutting torch  2.  the width of cut made by a saw or cutting torch

As familiar as I am with this concept, if I ever knew the word itself I had long since forgotten it. 

Also, although today's word of the day was the highly familiar "obtuse," it's linked antonym was somewhat new for me:

luculent \ˈlü-kyə-lənt\ - clear in thought or expression :  lucid

Despair is knocking

In the cold blackness of your silence
i wonder if at last i've found
Another who agrees with 

my opinion of myself?
It's been so very long
since i have lain curled here
where hope and healing dare not tread
and no One comes to redeem
an undeserving worm.

i hope that you're just busy
but if my recent words
and abusive distant past
have driven you away
i understand completely

and am so very sorry
that i have hurt you, too.

What makes it dark - and the self-forgiveness challenge

My post from yesterday was short and bitter, not in tone or expression but in its impact on me. Nothing makes my life go dark anymore like those moments in which I am acutely aware that I was a part of a problem that has fundamentally hurt so many people. It isn't a nebulous idea for me: I know that pain, too, intimately (also "too intimately"), and yet nonetheless I caused it. And decades of consistently striving to be a part of the solution fail to keep that darkness from having a hook into my psyche.

Forgiveness is a process, whether one is forgiving others or forgiving oneself. But each time I see how someone else - especially someone whom I love and respect - has been affected by actions like my own broken ones, it seems I have to reenter the process. And my ability to do that is too dependent on my current frame of mind.

I've been so loved, so forgiven, so accepted, that you'd think this would get easier.

I am sorry, beyond expressing, to have been a part of the problem.

Palindrome again

43934.

Yes, I'm still easily amused.

Appreciating two friends . . .

. . . who don't like each other. I am truly grateful for each of them, though.

Today's word

semelparous /seh-MEL-puh-rus/ - reproducing or breeding only once in a lifetime

Of the things I don't commonly share, the thing I guard most closely involves this word that I've never heard before.

Today's words

The Merriam-Webster site gave me a birthday present: a Dictionary Devil puzzle with new words in it:

gamelan \ˈga-mə-ˌlan, -ˌlän\ - an Indonesian orchestra made up especially of percussion instruments (as gongs, xylophones, and drums)

Now I'm going to have to try to hear some gamelan music.

parfleche \ˈpär-ˌflesh\ - 1.  a raw hide soaked in lye to remove the hair and dried  2.  an article (as a bag or case) made of parfleche

I've seen this word before, but have mentally mispronounced it by accenting the second syllable.

sachem \ˈsā-chəm, ˈsa-\ - 1.  a North American Indian chief; especially :  the chief of a confederation of the Algonquian tribes of the North Atlantic coast  2.  a Tammany leader

Another totally new one for me, for which my initial tendency was to use the alternate pronunciation.

Three new words in one game. Now, if only the WOTD were new to me, too, although I never considered that sheaf was a synonym for passel.

Happy birthday to me

It's really important to me, every year, to count my blessings on my birthday. Some would suggest it's just a good practice to do regularly anyway, but it is more important for me than that. My birthday is one of my two most vulnerable days of the year; the other falls close on its heels, but won't be a problem for me this year as I'll be driving home from MD w/ my loving bride on Father's Day.

Running on low power

I came home last night, and half my power was out. Finally realized, after talking with my wife's brother-in-law, that it could be a power company issue - as if I've forgotten everything I ever knew about household power. I have extension cords running all over the place to keep the fridge and freezer powered up, but no 220 devices are working. Fortunately it won't be hot today, and also fortunately, I have an electrician lined up in case the problem isn't with DP&L.

Did I forget to say "sigh"?

Even though power was out to the kitchen and freezer outlets, at least I was able to run heavy duty extension cords to each of them, so there isn't any danger of food loss.

Cycling links

http://www.mapmyride.com/blog/6-stretches-every-cyclist-should-do-5744/?utm_source=silverpop&utm_medium=email&utm_content=stretch_cycling_button&utm_campaign=newsletter&spMailingID=51545179&spUserID=NDgwMzMxMDkxODIS1&spJobID=940875036&spReportId=OTQwODc1MDM2S0

http://www.bicycling.com/training/tips/5-reasons-youre-not-getting-faster?cid=NL_BIK_-_05132016_&smartcode=YN_0008486955_0001552770

http://www.bicycling.com/food/recipes/make-these-healthy-homemade-sports-drinks

Seriously?

When I introduce myself, do people think, "What an unfortunate name!"?

 . . . What I can't stop thinking now that I know. Along with this:

Poetic justice.


This, too, shall pass, right?

"Thy will" challenges

I started to make a list, but then realized that the seven deadly sins would do as a great starting point, allowing me to focus on ways I tend, or that I see others tend, to justify myself/themselves as I/they indulge the ones to which I am / they are prone:

• Sometimes it can be hard for my faith in God to be thorough. What if I'm wrong? Am I not then depriving myself of some desirable thing?
• They are struggling so greatly with that circumstance. Surely it would better - or more just - for them to have whatever thing they seem to need?
• If people will not choose to do the right thing, we'll simply have to make them.
• I can't help myself. 
• God understands.

Being conscious of these, in the moment, can be the first line of defense against them.

Just wondering

You know how some people can't see things close up, and they're called "far-sighted," and people who can't see things at a distance are "near-sighted"?

For a while now, I've been wondering: do you suppose some people could be "clean-sighted"?

(If so, it's probably predominantly men.)

Yesterday and today

Yesterday was a day full of success and disappointment. The feedback we received from the government affirmed for me the difference that I have been making, passed through a period of frustrated sadness that I believe managed with graciousness, and concluded with a rehearsal that was a balm to my tired spirit. There hasn't been nearly enough sleep for the past three nights.

Today presents a potential for a difficult decision that may pit my personal goals and values against each other. I will pray for wisdom and, again, the grace to treat everyone involved - including myself - with the respect they deserve.