A morbid post that I've been sitting on

(edited to smooth a couple of sharp edges)

I was "accused" (not at all the dynamic in which it was offered, nor in which I received it; I'm just being lazy and not looking for a better word) last week of getting morbid when my wife is away.  A good friend speaks the truth to you as they see it, and a good friend receives that in the spirit in which it is offered and looks for deeper truth within it.  I've decided that this one wasn't completely accurate.

I'm almost always morbid.

I shouldn't be.  I have so many blessings in my life.

But I feel as if I have squelched my own interests for so long that there's no room for them in my life anymore.

Is this what it means to "die to yourself"?  If so, I guess I should feel hopeful and all the more thankful because of it.

So what is better to choose to live for?

• What is over the horizon: a skydive, a trip to Hawaii to visit our dear grandchildren?
• The short term impact on others, such as the effect on Ben and Rebecca and their wedding?
• The long term impact on others: not wanting my wife, daughters, grandchildren and dear friends to deal with the pain and questioning that I've experienced during those times when I've learned that someone I cared for had taken his life?

I suppose it is best to just live for the joy of living and loving, trusting God to make living worthwhile as I live for him.  That latter part is so hard, though, when my faith in him seems so insubstantial.

The thing is, I know I have a great life.  After all, to paraphrase Pearl Jam, "I'm a lucky man (who can't) count on both hands the ones I love."  I need to appreciate my life more, work on changing the things I should, and quit lamenting any other ways I wish it were different.