What kind of fool am I?

To abuse Churchill's observation regarding Russia - a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma - I may be an oxymoron wrapped in a puzzle inside a contradiction within a paradox.  The person that I aspire to be and the person I am are at odds. Still, I think that many people have such a challenge within and I don't imagine myself as having an inordinate degree of hardship because of it. Others deal with far harder circumstances. For me, it is more important to embrace my struggle to know who I am without letting these newly-discovered aspects of myself steamroller either the parts of myself that I must treasure and nurture or the people I love.


I tend to think that most people's aspirations are somewhat at war with parts of their nature. St. Paul suggests as much, but I don't think it's only true for Christians trying to allow their spiritual nature to have dominion over their physical lives. In small ways, we are often challenged in our workplaces with tasks that call us to overcome weaknesses and develop parts of ourselves that we've never exercised before. Maybe a father strives to balance time with his family against time for himself, or a mother struggles to teach her children self-control in the context of what's best for them rather than what creates the environment in which she is most at ease. Many spouses choose to love by setting aside attractions and relationships that have the potential to lead them into infidelity, for the benefit of letting their partner know the safety, security, and depth of committed, monogamous love.

The thing is, my struggle isn't just a matter of purity of spirit battling against weakness of flesh, though I suspect that may be the key to it (to invoke Churchill again).

How fundamental a part of myself is this aspect which my dear bride is understandably repulsed by and fearful of, which she has clearly and plainly said does not appeal to her? What of it is learned and nurtured, and what has been part of my nature all along? Does it matter how it came to be a part of me, now that it is?  Regardless, no matter how at ease I become with my entire self, I know I mustn't indulge myself at her expense, even were she to suddenly have a change of heart and encourage me to do so.  I think that our traditional marriage vows omit something very important as they look to the future of our two-lives-become-one-faithful-life together: "no matter what I may discover about myself along the way."