It was a difficult conversation. It wanted to wander in the wrong direction, and it trailed off without getting to a resolution, although I really wasn't expecting one.
But the goal of taking the first step, of acknowledging my feelings of loneliness and isolation along with my habit of withholding things from my bride that she would rather not know - and no, that was not just my perception or excuse for holding back from her, as evidenced by her question when I told her I needed to discuss my sore rib: "Do I even want to know this?" - was accomplished. That question made for a perfect lead-in for what I really needed to talk about, which is a much bigger issue than my injury. Still, it was hard to stay on track, to not wander off onto a spur of specific example issues.
There was a lot of quiet afterward, but also opportunity to continue to affirm my love for her. Now we'll see if we can develop better ways of being. I will not be so secretive, and she will be more responsive when my needs are legitimate. We will both be more understanding of each other's circumstances. Most of this was not said explicitly, but this is how things felt last night between us.
This morning I feel an increased freedom to be myself. I shaved my chin for the first time in a couple decades - and probably the last time for a while; this look just feels like a bad memory. And I was able to tell her last night that I was considering getting a semicolon.
At the end of the day, she and I both agreed that we'd had a very nice day.
Our dynamic is not going to magically change overnight, but this was a good start.
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