Car Radio

This song's lyrics really strike close to home.

Now I just sit in silence. 

I get that. I've done it for too long. And I think it's better if I don't reflect long on the rest of these lyrics, as this is just the beginning of how they tend to resonate with me.

(BTW: the five rounds:
Counselor one: my first referral after my confession, trying to figure out how i could have done what i hate. she helped me tremendously, but got the cart ahead of the horse due to her unfamiliarity with the accepted treatment protocol, which caused issues with team two
Counselor (team) two: forced on me, but really, they did right by me, and i had a couple of very important breakthroughs with them. i hope i never forget the ring of truth when she said, so gently after i'd become so defensive when she insisted that my ice cold hands meant something important: Tom, I have no trouble believing that you have been afraid for as long as you can remember. now i can't remember her name.
Counselor (team) three: when i couldn't learn to trust team two, they referred me to team three instead of the very severe alternative. this was really effective work, where i became a real contributor and not a threat anymore. even though our work included important self-image elements, this aspect would be subsequently undermined by the judgment i heard all around me
Counselor four: years later, when i was looking for a way to live with myself despite having seen and heard what others really think of someone like me. i really connected with his cbt approach, and he was good, and I did good work there, but somehow i only found a lesser reason than i need
Counselor five: counselor four didn't do couple work, and we had to work on some boundary issues concerning our grown children and our grandchildren; this is where my wife shut me down, though she didn't mean to)

For six weeks this summer i've tried to live for me instead of just to spare everyone else more pain, while keeping my eyes fixed on my vocation, too. Why should these feel at odds? Still, this was probably the best i've managed both in over two decades. Now, it feels as if returning to my silence is inevitable; despair wants to smother my voice again. But feelings are not truth, and what I fear will only become my reality if I give it power over me. In the name of Jesus, I renounce the lie - and the spirit of fear that speaks it - that my early adulthood choices have doomed me to an unfulfilling life. My bride and I are probably connecting better than ever. Before, I wouldn't have even told her that I am feeling sad, and if I did she'd have felt threatened by it. Instead, she knows how I feel - I am no longer hiding myself from her in my prolonged frustration - and is being supportive.

In the midst of this, I read this quote from Wright Thompson's review of the documentary Gleason, which is evidently heart-rending and hope-inducing at the same time: "we realize that continuing to fight in the face of certain defeat is at the heart of what it means to live."

Perhaps I'll never in this life know complete victory in my battle, either. Yet I choose not to end this post with a period;