Searching in vain around the house for gutter screws last night - of which I ended up buying ten (more) and using one, just like the last time - I stumbled across a box with old pictures my mom had, along with her birth certificate. While there is a sense of nostalgic warmth in them, there is also terrible heartache and loss, and not just for those who have died. I feel as if those pictures portray my lost self, too.
Even the simple act of referring an old friend to the business of another former friend reminds me of what is gone. We were so close, and I ruined it. And another old friendship, from college, where the feelings were mutual, might have been preserved; I can only presume that she hadn't told her husband about the time we saw each other in the early 80's, and I let the cat out of the bag.
I guess I'm feeling lonely, lately. I'm glad that my relationship with my bride, at least, has been going pretty well,. Still, she can't be everything to me, and that's okay. I'm being careful, though, not to seek the wrong things elsewhere - substitutional closeness, for instance.
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