So last Tuesday my tank was running empty, and I was so glad to be getting back where I needed to be. I was on my way into the kitchen to kiss my wife goodbye when she brought up a faux pas I'd made earlier in the day. After a long history we had agreed that I wouldn't correct her online anymore, yet without thinking I'd told a younger friend what she'd meant to say on a birthday post, which contained a Swype-induced error that wouldn't have necessarily been obvious to the recipient. I didn't even consider it a correction of a mistake. My wife, on the other hand, very clearly did, and asked me again as I was leaving to please stop correcting her online. I immediately knew what she was referring to, and it seemed so minor and nit-picky an offense - although clearly a repeat infraction - that I felt attacked, and so I over-reacted terribly. (That may be as much of an understatement as one can have over a mere two words.)
Well, after that I was definitely not in any frame of mind nor state of peace to lead worship. This was clearly a case of if you there recall that your brother has something against you (Mt 5: 23), and I needed to resolve that before I could make an offering of praise. I stuck my head in at prayer group long enough to explain that I couldn't stay, and went back home to try to deal with things with my bride.
My wife was understandably and unmistakably not ready to reconcile with me over this. I wouldn't have been, either, in her shoes, and to my credit I realized this in the moment, upset with myself and determined to respect her need for time and space. I sat in the living room while she finished what she was working on in the kitchen, and remained there for some time after she retired to the spare room where she has been watching t.v. during the colder weather. Finally I went downstairs, where I laid upon the sofa in the dark, not wanting to distract myself with the television or other entertainment. A few hours later as my wife was preparing to retire to bed, she came partway down the steps to ask me if I intended to sleep where I was. It is very rare for us to go to bed without reconciling, yet her annoyance was still obvious in her tone of voice. I really didn't know how to bridge the gap between us in that moment, so I replied that since she clearly hadn't wanted to be in my company, I'd thought I would stay where I was. Normally she would have made an overture at that point that would serve as an opportunity to talk about things, at least briefly, but she simply wasn't up to it yet.
By this point I was feeling hurt by her rejection as much as I was upset with myself for causing it. I was on very unfamiliar ground, as I didn't feel at all confident that just waking up in the morning was going to provide some magical or inspired insight into how to bridge the gap between us. I just continued to lie there and try to sleep, without much success.
After a while I began to hear a noise from upstairs. It was clearly not my wife; I'd have heard her footfalls starting from back down the hall in our bedroom. I soon realized that it was our dog, who usually spends the night on the living room sofa. We block his access to the family room when no one is home and at night, as he has a history of accidents down there at these times. The gate we installed at the top of the stairs sufficed for several years, but within the past year he has figured out that he can squeeze through the bars of the railing, which we've started blocking with one of my guitar cases. Usually this does the job, unless something really gets his attention, such as the house being under attack by the Evil Mail Carrier. In such dire circumstances he has learned to nuzzle the guitar case out of the way so that he can squeeze through the railing. I began to suspect that my unprecedented presence downstairs at night in the dark was motivating him to try to join me. Sure enough, within a couple of minutes I felt him jump up onto the sofa with me and curl up behind my knees.
I was struck by his determination. In the moment I probably anthropomorphized a bit - as much as I love our dog, I probably don't understand the canine mind quite enough to get what was really driving him, aside from his desire to be with his pack if that was at all within his ability. It seemed to me that he had been singularly determined to overcome whatever obstacles there might have been to his being with me.
And I felt chagrined. I knew right away that he was a nobler dog than me. Shouldn't I have been more determined to overcome whatever obstacles I needed to, to do whatever was within my power to resolve things with my bride - especially when I had been the one to so exacerbate our disagreement - and be with the woman who has loved me through hell and back for three decades?
Inspired, I got up from the sofa went upstairs, sat on the edge of the bed for a couple minutes before laying down across my side of it and putting my head on her hip. After a minute the weight of my skull became uncomfortable and she lightly batted at my head, then realized it was me and apologized. We didn't exactly talk things through in that moment, but it was clear that we both wanted us both to be there, to be together, to be our couple-self. That was good enough for the moment.
It was still not a very good night's sleep thereafter, but I couldn't bring myself to banish our dog back to his place in the living room when he'd been such an example for me.
And seeing as prayer group was "weathered out" again this week, I'm going to be especially careful between now and next Tuesday!
No comments:
Post a Comment