Dying to self

"God's chosen ones live out the drama and destiny of God himself.  It is a fearful thing to be chosen . . . The chosen are detached from themselves, from their own emotions, desires and hopes, and are called to live out the passions of God's heart - Yahweh's love, wrath, revulsion and yearning for his own." - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus, Death on a Friday Afternoon

One must be careful writing about such a thing as the painful growth of being detached from one's own emotions, desires and hopes, lest one reader or another think you must be writing about them, and set about looking for the evidence that proves it.  I'm just being general here . . . 

I believe that we all - every human being - have experienced this pain with regard to those whom we love.  We've had to subjugate our own wishes for the sake of what is best for our beloved, had to place their well-being ahead of our own desires and dreams.  As for "God's revulsion," at first I found this phrase abrasive, as it initially evoked in me the self-judgment I struggle to set aside.  But I soon considered how we see our loved ones make decisions that are clearly terrible for them, and for their own sake long for them to choose a better way for themselves.

Given these experiences of everyday relationships, it isn't such a stretch to consider how the Holy Spirit leads the chosen to subordinate their own wishes and emotions for the sake of a closer union with God, abandoning part of ourselves in trust that what God wishes for us is greater.

The love to which we are each called in our lives goes beyond our own emotions, desires, and hopes.  Each other person whom we love has emotions and desires and hopes of their own, not to mention their own quirks and faults.  Inevitably our differences will sometimes conflict.  But if we make the decision to love with our will, to choose in our relationship what best draws us into God's revealed plan for us rather than what we want, our fickle feelings and selfish desires gain the benefit of a larger perspective.  It isn't that I become emotionless, desireless, or hopeless.  God's perfect will for me and for those I love is greater than our wishes for ourselves.  The degree to which I subjugate my own emotions and desires and hopes to God's will determines the degree to which the gift of perfect, divine love can be made manifest in my life.

Dying to ourselves in this way can hurt deeply - sometimes we might prefer physical death.  That's why it's a fearful thing to be chosen, and why so many want no part of it.  But there's a greater consideration that really can't be overstated: it may be impossible to explain how it is incredibly worth the pain.  There is no resurrection without the cross, and that glory is so much more than we can imagine.

I believe that "incredibly worth the pain" is about as well as I can understand how my risen savior feels about his passion when he sees its effect in the lives of the chosen, though the pain of it was far greater than most of us will ever endure.  Such is God's love for us.  God loves us so much that he bears the cross for us, but more so, allows and chooses and calls us, insofar as we are willing, to participate in the most painful, most rewarding love of all: his own.