A brighter morning

Over the last couple of days, I've started to figure out what this depression has been about, and this morning feels better than any in a long time.

At my core, I don't recall ever having felt good about myself.  I had long since given up hoping I ever could, but the balance I'd found in being accepted in spite of myself and my failures seemed good enough for me - more than I felt I deserved, really.  My friend, you helped me realize how cruel I've been to myself.  Unfortunately, your opinion of my worth was not ever going to make the difference, really, no matter how much I respect you.  I hope you're relieved to know that I haven't been looking to you for that; I understood that wasn't a burden one could bear in the context of what our friendship could and should be, and was determined not to lay it on your shoulders - not that you'd have accepted it - no matter how dark things became in the meanwhile.  Yet your opinion did matter, and has made a real difference for me, as you've helped me understand how several pieces of my long screwed-up dynamic needed to fit together in a healthy way.  And a truth you spoke - which I initially failed to recognize, losing sight of it in the progress I'd already made - turned out to be a really key piece.

Sorry to be mystical, reader.

I don't know how long I've doubted my value as a person, but I know it goes back to my earliest memories, back to my dad's futile and ultimately abandoned attempts to help me earn his respect in the ways that mattered to him.  (And I used to think I'd been set free from his negative influence by his suicide when I was 14.  Sheez.)

Yesterday evening I became certain that no effort to convince myself of my value - even of looking to Christ's redemption as evidence - will be sufficient to overcome the decades of habitually thinking (consciously or not, and in the latter case proving it by unhealthy actions) poorly of myself.  Finally, I determined to reach out for help via our company's employee assistance program, but couldn't find the number from home.  It's apparently protected information, kept safe from misuse by non-employees by residing within our company firewall.  I was pretty frustrated; I mean, if I was suicidal I guess I'd've known to go to an ER, but still, what use is an EAP if it isn't accessible where the employees need it?

But before bed last night, I realized that there is someone on earth who knows me better than anyone else does, and whom God has positioned and best qualified to help me recognize and accept the goodness that God has placed within me.  My precious bride, turning to your help as I should and must, I find the sufficiency God is providing.  Ultimately, I expect to find his usual abundance.