Thoughts on St. Theophilus

St. Theophilus of Antioch:

"A person's soul should be clean, like a mirror reflecting light. If there is rust on the mirror, his face cannot be seen in it. In the same way, no one who has sin within him can see God.

"But if you will you can be healed. Hand yourself over to the doctor, and he will open the eyes of your mind and heart . . . .

"But, before all, faith and the fear of God must take the first place in your heart."

I would expand a little. It has been my experience that the more I have insisted on clinging to my sin, or resisted it only in the ways that I was willing, the less able I was to open myself up to God and to know the joy of simply being in him. It takes a combination of similes to explain what this was like, for me.

- It was the monkey trap, the hollowed out hole large enough for the monkey to work in an open, empty hand, but too small to withdraw a closed one. Resisting God's call to holiness, embracing sin, was like clenching my fist around the nut with which my adversary had baited that monkey trap, and as long as I held fast to the the allure of the prize - which I could never really have - I was caught fast.

- It was like being a small child with a tennis ball in each hand. When God wanted to give me something more meaningful, as long as I clung to both tennis balls, I couldn't receive the far greater blessing God wanted for me.

Often I'm still too attached to smaller gifts. I think that's an issue for all followers of Christ. The more we've let go of, the more we discover to let go of, though the things we retain are progressively smaller than the ones we've already released. But as long as we think we have all we really need, we will never experience the joy of discovering the abundant depth of the life to which God is calling us.

I have the cart before the horse, of course. As long as we think we're okay without God, or with him at a distance, as long as we're convinced that a little religion is okay but we don't want to go overboard, none of this will make any sense. This is why the "fear of God" must join "faith" in "first place in your heart." I've written recently on the fear of the Lord, but I'm not sure I mentioned that it includes an awareness that we have absolutely no chance of measuring up to his standard. Once I know I am completely lost without him, only then will I turn myself over to the doctor, and receive him, only after which can I begin to go deeper with him.

But if I think I'm okay, then I'm really in trouble. "'But we see,' you say, and your sin remains." More on that as we approach the second scrutiny . . .