I guess I've started

2 mile run Thursday. 1000 yard swim on Saturday. 15 mile ride today. It seems that I have begun my triathlon training.

It also seems that my heart is working awfully hard for the slower results I'm seeing.

Last pool swim of the season

It was a nice swim! And it looks like I'm going to get some help training for my first triathlon in July. Fortunately it also looks like I'm not boxed out of it by the other plans we've made for the month.

Glad my friend (now in Germany) got me fixed up with this organization.

What it's really like for me

I keep referring back to Bob Bennett's haunting song - from the poignant Songs from Bright Avenue album - My Secret Heart. I think the lyric would fit me better if it went something like this:

Behind the easy laughter is a man who is afraid
He will never become the obedient son that God has made

Okay, it's awkward and not completely theologically accurate. But you get the point. 

Old posts

More true than ever
This one, too

ouch

that felt like rejection.
i really wasn't trying to get closer, or share inappropriately. i think we pretty much agree on where those boundaries should be, and i was just pointing out that i was staying on this side of them and was trying not to lean on you. 
maybe you didn't mean for your agreement with that to feel terse or harsh, but it did. 
or maybe you felt that i was over the line already, in which case i am sincerely sorry; i was trying very hard not to be.

Today's word

Included, for a change, not because I was at all unfamiliar with its meaning but because I was curious about its etymology; follow the link if you're similarly curious (but the back story isn't as developed as I'd hoped):

upbraid /up-BRAYD/ - 1. to criticize severely : find fault with  2. to reproach severely : scold vehemently

the battle

opposing armies at war
in the battlefield of my mind
each lamenting what i am not
i seem to have forsaken
both purity and depravity
each half resenting the other
locked in perpetual stalemate
by my refusal to decide
once and for all
to give up what i perceive
to be central to myself

i know which i should choose
i keep saying that i have
i keep proving i have not
carefully not overstepping
except in my mind
and in my own body
there i know without a doubt
that i am an impostor

Today's word

hummock /HUM-uk/ - 1. a rounded knoll or hillock  2. a ridge of ice  3. a fertile area in the southern United States and especially Florida that is usually higher than its surroundings and that is characterized by hardwood vegetation and deep humus-rich soil

Wanting to let affection run amok in a hammock on a hummock.

I was not at all surprised but still a little disappointed . . .

. . . that you didn't cook dinner while I was mowing last night. Still, the yummy sandwich I made was a nice consolation. Oh, I should've put tomato on it. Darn!

It was shaping up . . .

. . . to be another evening of the same frustrations. Instead it ended up being fairly balanced, and pretty nice.

Gifts, not burdens or trials:

Denying myself
Loving sacrificially
Accepting the Father's will for my life over my own

These things make me more like my beloved Savior. There is no greater gift.
Must remember this . . . 

Today's words

The latest Dictionary Devil served me up a few new words:

fess /FESS/ - 1. a broad horizontal bar across the middle of a heraldic field  2. the center point of an armorial escutcheon

See relevant images here and here.

malversation /'mal-ver-SAY-shun/ - 1. misbehavior and especially corruption in an office, trust, or commission  2. corrupt administration

I expected this to be harmful discourse.

tomalley /tuh-MAL-ee, -MAHL-, TAM-'al-ee, TAM-uhl-ee/ - the liver of the lobster

One of these pronunciations sounds like a Mexican dish.

And one I should have already known:

aiguillette /'ay-gwil-ET/ - aglet; specifically :  a shoulder cord worn by designated military aides — compare fourragère

The last of which led to . . .

aglet /AG-let/ -  1. the plain or ornamental tag covering the ends of a lace or point  2. any of various ornamental studs, cords, or pins worn on clothing

I knew the first definition, but not the second, and

fourragère /'fur-uh-ZHAIR/ - a braided cord worn usually around the left shoulder; especially :  such a cord awarded as a decoration to a military unit

Now that I'm nowhere near the edge

I really need a chief reason that isn't also often my chief anti-reason.

Today's word

tatterdemalion /tatt-er-dih-MAIL-yun/ - 1. ragged or disreputable in appearance  2. being in a decayed state or condition : dilapidated

Two new words of the day in a row. This one means about what I expected. 

Today's word

grimalkin /grih-MAWL-kin/ - a domestic cat; especially : an old female cat

I thought I'd recognized this word from the musical Cats, that perhaps this had been the name of the character who (I now see) was actually Grizabella. Perhaps the beginning of her name comes from this term? At any rate, this word felt comfortable, like a familiar old cat. 

Discouragement is exhausting

I can barely keep my eyes open.

Like I said . . .

. . . I wasn't really tempted, it was just a thought. But if I'd actually done such a thing, I wouldn't have had the discouragement I experienced last night while doing my taxes. Of course, I'd have a much greater set of issues to deal with, far worse ones about my own nature and telos, and I'd have left this mess for my bride instead. And fortunately, God has already provided the means for last night's reality check. Now I must trust Him to provide for our other financial needs, as well, and continue to walk according to His plan for my life.

Odd thought

I should be clear at the outset that I was not considering doing this, it was just a passing thought driving to work: "What if I was so dissatisfied with my life that I just skipped my exit and kept going?" a la Springsteen's Hungry Heart. I thought about how strange it would be to come to my senses later in a faraway place, realizing everything that I would have lost and trying to figure out how to explain to a potential employer why I shouldn't still be viewed as a risk to just walk out again. Weird.

I'm grateful for all the people who love me, though, and who I love, who keep me from being tempted to such a strange decision in reality.

The rest of Easter weekend

Friday night I was up with foot and leg cramps about 5 times during the night. It made for an awful night's sleep, following a short one the two previous nights.

Saturday, I got the choir area set up early, then went with my wife to buy some tomato, pepper, and herb plants.

Great Easter liturgies w/ Fr. Dave (vigil, 10:30) and Fr. Satish (8). 14 baptisms at vigil, making it a very long service, so it was about 1 a.m. before I got to bed. I was committed to 8 a.m. mass, too, so another short night. But both Easter morning services were also very nice. The wonderful bonus at 10:30 mass was ministering in music as our dear friends' twin grandchildren were baptized.

We had a wonderful meal together, and though my 30-minute afternoon nap was a little shorter than I probably needed, it was a small price to pay.

I was really sad, though, at not hearing from our youngest daughter. I'd left a voice message, and didn't hear anything back. I was feeling a bit of a hole in my heart, despite the otherwise great day we were having. Then, just after our cousins left, we got a text that our youngest and her boyfriend were going to come by for a short while. I felt so relieved, then overjoyed when I heard her kids' voices shouting their Happy Easter greetings as they came through the door!

Still, this made me aware of what our oldest is going through. I've got to try to help her son get over his anger at her and reconcile.

I still have some Good Friday thoughts to share . . .

Very nice Good Friday

Good prayer time in the early morning (will transcribe my reflections into here later), followed by a much needed nap. Very nice service in the afternoon at St. H., after which I received a great compliment from our music director. Since rain was in the forecast for last night and today (which hasn't developed), I took advantage of the beautiful day to mow the lawn. Thinking I had plenty of time to get to IC for the Taize evening prayer and veneration service, I was getting ready to prep my picking fingernails when I checked the call time, which put me in a panic because I was already late. Still, the service was very nice, though that tardiness did cause a relatively large mistake. Oh well. Watched a bit of banal entertainment with my wife before calling it a night too late.

Today's word

napery /NAY-puh-ree/ - household linen; especially: table linen

I'd have probably recognized this in context. I think I may have to use this on a regular basis, too.

The difference between Jesus and me

Well, of course, there are many and vast differences, chief among them being that He is God and Savior, and I am most definitely not either. Still, He calls and transforms us to be His body in the world, and I hope that the velocity and acceleration curves associated with the differences between us both have a(n at least infinitesimally) negative slope.

But one big difference is that He wanted to live but was willing to die for you, whereas I want to die but am (usually mostly) willing to live for you. While my death wish is greatly diminished from what it has been in the past due to the grace I have managed to receive, it is never completely gone, nor far from me. But for your sake, I persevere in God's love as He calls and enables me to do, trusting that His plan for my life remains greater than I know or imagine.

More strange glory

In the cross we see that of which humanity is capable: self-transcendence in surrender to the Other. All the evidence to the contrary, we are capable of love. The sign of shame and death becomes the sign of cosmic possibility. - Fr. Richard John Neuhaus, Death on a Friday Afternoon

It is certain that I am again not going to complete this book this Lent, even despite having very few times I have been inspired to write about new passages on which I haven't previously reflected. Taking two weeks off will do that, I suppose.

Fr. Neuhaus speaks of the strange glory of the cross. Even before first reading this excellent book, I was in agreement with him, as I spoke of the cross in a specific context. Considering Ephesians 5, I have often referred to a paraphrase I once read of the verse Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the Church, which was rendered, Husbands, go the way of the cross for your wives. I would tell my fellow married friends how we consider the cross something to be avoided, but Jesus shows us that it is something to be embraced, that there is in fact no love without sacrifice. Love is selfless, and avoiding pain is not.

In the midst of a hurt, we can have trouble thinking of the harm that someone has done to us in such terms. It can seem unhealthy to keep leaving ourselves vulnerable. But I have seen, even recently, how the right focus on the other in the context of what I have been forgiven can serve to bring healing. It isn't easy, or natural, but it can be a glorious thing.

Living the Way

At the foot of the cross, there is sorrow;
At the foot of the cross, there is love;
Flowing down together in a river of salvation,
Covering all the world with grace. 

At the foot of the cross, there is sadness;
At the foot of the cross, there is hope;
Flowing down together in a river of forgiveness, 
Covering all the world with grace. 

This is where I have, ultimately found myself this Lenten season.

There is deep sorrow when someone you love hurts someone else you love.
There is great sadness when that person is non-repentant of their actions.
There is hurt when that person has intentionally hidden their actions from you, then lies to you about it even when you try to be gentle in your confrontation. (The person has since apologized for the deception.)

But there is love and hope at the foot of the cross. There is salvation, and forgiveness.

And I hope that there is healing and growth.

After all: I have been forgiven a greater debt.

More on The Way of The Cross

I had hoped to share this evening with a friend who is leaving, but it wasn't to be. In fact, none of the people I personally invited came.

I felt so humbled to realize how the prayers and reflections which I was blessed to play a role in writing still continue to resonate even eight or nine years later. I don't remember exactly when we rewrote our service, but I know we did the new version for at least two seasons before our friends Matt and Ellie left.

Several songs really struck me this time. I can't believe I never really paid any attention to the Latin lyrics to Adoramus te Christe, which of course we repeat in English at the beginning of each station: Adoramus te Christe, et benedicimus tibi, quia per santam crucem tuam redemisti mundum. We adore you, O Christ, and we bless you, because by your holy cross you have redeemed the world.

I love singing the Chanticleer Ave Maria, and especially having enough strong men's voices to do it justice.

The pieces that most "hit me where I live" seemed to be Mercy (by Craig Courtney), and Song of Surrender (Hodge, Lantz).

It felt as if I finally reentered into the season of Lent. I'd allowed personal events this season to really knock me off course.

Productive day

Glad to have extra folks here.

A favorite thing

Praying The Way of The Cross with Jubilee tonight. I love this.

That felt good

Vented a little frustration at Woot. Yeah, I think that Death Star grinder is REALLY cool. No, I'm not going to load their app so that I can buy it.

Stuff that doesn't matter

I didn't expect to see this in my stats, but this blog has had exactly 50,000 page views.

Based on what I know for certain, maybe 1000 of them are probably from me and a couple other people, and the other 49,000 could be from bots.

There are a couple of important things . . .

. . . that I'm just not going to say out loud. That way, they only hurt me.

So tired

Yes, I'm channeling Madeline Kahn in Blazing Saddles again. Sorry.

Today's word

defile /dih-FYLE, dee-/ - to march off in a line

Not the definition I was expecting, but I've heard the term before. I'm also slightly familiar with the noun form of defile, meaning "gorge," as mentioned in the WOTD write-up. Here's another one for which I'll be using the alternate pronunciation.

Patience

Sometimes I need more of it.

This situation as a whole, though, is still pretty disconcerting. These two people I love are like poison to each other.

Frustration

When you try to display truly merciful patience with someone you love, and they treat you as if you have wronged them, it is hard to continue to respond with tenderness. It is a little easier, though, when you know that you clearly have not done anything wrong.

God, please help me be more like you.

I don't agree that it has been okay for you to have some of the conversations you've had with Brad. I understand your motivations, which is what has kept me from being angrier about the situation as a whole. But just because you "have a right to talk to anyone" doesn't mean it is right to talk to anyone about anything. There are serious boundary violations in there. I'm pretty sure that anyone who sees that thread would agree that you have meddled in something that we should not have been in the middle of. Getting a blanket generalized approval about who you "can or cannot communicate with," so that you can feel self-righteous about this is a fine way of defending the indefensible. I know that you were trying to act in what you see as Hannah's best interest, but you have been way out of line.

No, I don't blame Cassie for never trusting you about anything again.

No, I don't hold her blameless in your relationship. But when did you revert to junior high school?

Today's words

A few new words of the day:

vaticination /vuh-tiss-uh-NAY-shun, va-/ - 1. something foretold : prediction 2. the act of prophesying

Pretty sure that, whenever I encounter this word, I'll use the alternate beginning. In fact, I'll probably say it /va-tiss-ih-NAY-shun/. I have a feeling this is going to be one I need to look up again when I encounter it,  unless there are very strong contextual clues.

 brachiate /BRAY-kee-ayt/ - to progress by swinging from hold to hold by the arms

Pretty sure I'd heard of this one before, but couldn't quite place it . . . 

 gimcrack /JIM-krak/ - a showy object of little use or value : gewgaw

I think I'd heard of this one, too.

 

Post withdrawn

Thank you. Your communication was welcome. Even if we still disagree about some things, at least we aren't being clandestine or dishonest.

I can't win . . .

You know, I really don't need you for that. I probably should, if I were completely living as I ought, but I don't. But I was not using you for that, nor pretending that everything was hunky dory, nor belittling you, not for a moment. I am just trying to stay engaged with you while we work through this.

But sure, just go ahead and leave me hanging out here with the indisputable truth, to figure things out on my own. At least you aren't trying to deny it anymore, but that appears to be only because you plainly can't.

No, after you've hidden things from me, and then been dishonest with me about it, with your unilateral decisions, I am not going to just wait patiently for you to handle this according to your own timing and agenda, especially with no indication that you had the slightest inclination to do so.

And now someone is stealing from us

A warm memory

When I was in high school, my friends envied my lunches. Mom used to really pile on the lunch meat.

Today I inadvertently made myself a Mom sandwich. Yum.

I miss you, Mom.

I've made such a mess of everything. 

No matter what it was . . .

. . . that has knocked me for a loop, being off track is my responsibility to address. And if I don't feel as if I can currently lean on the person I'd usually go to in such times, I will have to find some other way.

"When can we be back to normal?"

I sense that this is an unspoken question in your mind, but I can't leave the answer unexpressed any longer.

First, please know that it isn't that I'm not forgiving you. In the past, I think this was often the biggest delay in our reconciliation. For instance, when I found out about Rodney (again) after Shemya, I didn't want to consider a future with you at all for nearly a year, and as much as that was mostly a matter of not trusting you (though also my heart being elsewhere; I am sorry for that), there was also an element of unforgiveness there. (Trust and forgiveness are two separate issues that a lot of people lump together.) There was an important benefit that came from this, though: you finally understood that your infidelity had consequences, and had hurt me deeply. You've been faithful ever since; although you did once come close to entering into a non-adulterous deception with him again, you understood that being honest with me was more important.

In other situations in which we've been mildly estranged, there has also been an element of my needing to get over my hurt (forgiveness). In some of these cases, there was also a part not related to forgiveness, of needing you to acknowledge wrongdoing so that I could be confident it wouldn't happen again and could trust you again. Other times, there was just a matter of determining that I could live with the ongoing situation, such as your television addiction. Of course, the shoe has been on the other foot, too; you have had things that you needed me to address before restoring our relationship. 

This situation is different for a number of reasons, and similar in others; I'm going to address some of these in no particular order. First of all, throughout this situation, you've had Hannah's best interests at heart, insofar as you've (mis)understood them. That counts for something in your favor, at least, and is the only reason we're currently on at all affectionate terms. Secondly, you weren't unfaithful, although you were dishonest with me in a very sneaky way, even though you may not have technically lied to me. Please don't deny this again: I've seen several messages in which you indicated that my presence meant that you couldn't communicate at the time or that I couldn't know about what you were doing. You knew that this would not be okay with me, and conspired with Brad to keep it from me. (I can clearly infer that you also conspired with Hannah; though I don't have conclusive evidence of that, I don't see how it could be otherwise.)

But the biggest difference is this: I'm not the main person you've hurt, and that makes it all the more important that I not fully reengage in our relationship as long as you think it's okay to a) keep on this course, and b) not begin to deal with the harm that you've caused. Suppose, when I'd hurt Christina, I'd been unrepentant or aloof. You wouldn't have been able to live with that; it would have put her, our other girls, and you at risk of further harm. If the current matter were instead something just between us, in which you did what you deemed best but hurt me in the process, I could be a lot more flexible about reconciling. But this was a boundary violation of the worst sort, a gross intrusion into Cassie's life, and deeply hurt her. This happened despite all the counseling work we've done regarding boundaries. Perhaps you've been too focused on making sure that everyone else's actions not cross your boundaries rather than on your own actions. You should never have meddled in this very difficult situation, and it is the height of arrogance for you to approach it as if it was okay for you to decide what's best, yet you've stubbornly done that from the outset. Perhaps my own arrogance has rubbed off on you, but it's important that you understand that you cannot unilaterally decide what is best for our grandchildren and then act on that. That isn't your place or mine. And I will not reconcile our relationship until you understand that and agree with it.

Here are some ramifications of your actions over the past year which you may not have considered.

You have directly taught Hannah that it is at least sometimes okay to disobey her mother. In this case, you did so despite knowing there was much more involved here than she was aware of, at least at the beginning. In the process, you have undermined her relationship with her mom, and we don't know what effect that will have on her as she enters adolescence. Never mind the extreme trickiness of this specific situation: that's almost always a bad idea, unless the parent is teaching the child to do something harmful. You've also taught her that deceiving people who love her is a means to pursue what she wants. This is emotionally dangerous even for an adult - as evidenced by this whole situation.

While you weren't involved in the specific phone call in which Brad told Hannah about her paternity, you did nurture an environment in which she thought it was okay to have contact with him against her mother's wishes. Who can blame her for thinking, "Well, Grandma has said it's okay to disregard mom and talk to Coach Brad, so I'm going to go ahead and call him even though G-ma now won't let me, either." All she knew was that he was a trusted authority figure who took interest in her and her siblings; she didn't know he had any specific emotional stake in her as her father, but you did. By encouraging their communication, you directly contributed to her traumatic experience. You didn't understand why Cassie was restricting contact with Brad, so you concluded that she was just being capricious, and that it was okay to encourage both Hannah and Brad to disrespect and disregard her mom's wishes. So while you aren't responsible for his decision, you cultivated the environment that made it possible. And to the degree that Hannah now resents her mother, first for keeping this secret from her and now for keeping her from her paternal biofamily, that is partly the result of your actions. (And even after he did such a selfish, harmful thing - yes, it was selfish and harmful for him to tell her this, no matter how much he may have been hurting and frustrated over it - you still encouraged him?? Did you ever even mention to him what a thoughtless thing he'd done and how much it has hurt Hannah's relationship with her mom?)

Cassie now doesn't trust you about anything. If she misunderstands anything that you say, or if circumstances ever change, she will be convinced that you have lied to her. If you say anything inaccurate - let's face it, we all have trouble being clear sometimes - she will be certain that it was intentional. She thinks you're playing with her mind and manipulating her life, and she thinks that because you have manipulated her life. I don't know that you'll ever be able to restore her trust, but certainly not unless you begin by acknowledging that you were completely out of bounds. Please do not protest that you don't trust her, either. Yes, she has lied to you and taken advantage of you. That is not a valid reason for you to take actions like this. And you have also undermined your relationship with James, in the negative things that you have said about him. You will need to start to address this with a sincere apology to the both of them, and explain that you don't expect them to trust you just because you've apologized.

And that's just from the FB messages I have seen. Only you, Hannah, Brad, and God know what else you said in what is clearly a significant number of phone calls and text messages among the three of you, the latter of which I'm pretty sure you deleted one recent day in the car - that is what you were doing when you complained that the mass delete didn't work the first time, right? - so that no one would ever know and you could have deniability. (If so: do you see how bad this whole situation is? If not: do you understand why I would think this?)

Meanwhile, it's very important for you to know this: I'm sure all of this long communication sounds harsh, but I have gone to this effort because I still love you and remain committed to you. But I will not enable you to hurt our family by acting as judge and jury over what is best for our grandchildren, so it is essential that we address the boundary issues that made this possible. That includes leaving it up to Cassie and Brad to work out their issues, and supporting our grandchildren only in ways that don't cross the boundaries. And we also have to work on our resulting trust and honesty issues. I keep trying to give you the chance to admit that, yes, you kept this from me, on purpose. I have seen at least three messages that make it clear: "I can't have her call you but she can text you . . . (Tom's in the car with us);" "Tom is hm so I gotta go now;" "Maybe we could meet at Stebbins. But in order for Tom not to know it would have to be like 8:30 a.m." You were intentionally keeping this from me. I was hoping that you'd admit to this without being confronted about it, because after all it was understandable in light of your actions that you would keep them from me; admitting this would have made it easier to for me to trust in your honesty in addition to pointing out why it's so important. Once I publish this or otherwise present it to you, the first part of that opportunity will be gone, and the process that's left will take longer.

Finally, though I am still working through the process of forgiving you, I have entered it in earnest. I don't require anything from you to forgive you. But for us to be fully reconciled, I will need a couple things, in addition to what I've mentioned above. I need to know that you are finished meddling in this situation. The best way to be sure of that would be for you to have no further contact at all with Brad, and our daughter may very well insist on that before she is willing to restore to you any measure of trust. That way you won't be further bad-mouthing Cassie and James - and me, by implication, as I'm obviously among the "bad guys" keeping him from his daughter - to him, nor feeding him advice and gossip. Finally, I will need a sincere, heartfelt apology from you that acknowledges your dishonesty to me and addresses how you plan to keep it from happening again. Dishonesty by omission/deception is no less dishonest. I am not an obstacle for you to get around, and I don't appreciate being treated as such. Part of our role in each other's life is to help each other not make such dreadful mistakes, and we can't do that if either of us is being so deceptive.

Those things will suffice, from my perspective, to get you and I back on track. At some point, you will have to apologize to Hannah and explain that you were wrong in this, both in general about it being okay to disobey her mother and specifically about interfering in this relationship. She probably isn't going to believe you; she's more likely to think that you did what was right before and that now everyone is just ganging up to prevent what she wants. I hope that by dealing with things the right way, finally, we can create a healthy situation in which she can gradually enter into a relationship with her paternal biofamily, so that will no longer be an issue. That will be hard, since Brad has also undermined her mom's authority and will need to demonstrate that he can respect it even when he disagrees with her before Cassie can trust him to be a truly healthy father figure for their daughter. But maybe then we will have a chance of helping this dear child pilot through the entirely too complicated waters of her young life, surrounded by people who love her and act together in her truly best interest.