Hiding place

There's a dark cloud hanging
Full of pain
And I'm caught out in the rain

In my secret heart a stillness gives way
To the sound of a longing for a better day
Behind the easy laughter is a man who is afraid
That he will repeat every mistake that he has made

. . . 

In my secret heart where I run to hide
Nobody knows me but you - Bob Bennett, My Secret Heart

Okay, I'm not so worried about repeating my worst mistakes. They are long since over and done with and healed from. Some would say that they have led me here, so they are ultimately for good. I cannot be so sanguine about them, especially the worst. But even ignoring the worst, I have become incapable of truly opening up to anyone, of being fully myself with anyone save God alone.

That isn't how I'm supposed to be. Oh, I'm not supposed to have anyone in God's place, but I'm also not supposed to be on guard from everyone except God. It isn't (just) a matter of mistrusting; that isn't why I shy back. It is (mainly) because I am no longer willing to grant to anyone access to me that should be hers alone (along with God's).

You are my hiding place, O Lord
You gaze into the secrets of my soul - John Michael Talbot, The Hiding Place

But I know the refuge that you are, O Lord, is not for hiding myself away, but for finding myself so as to share you.