Judgment

To see judgment such as I know I deserve so prominent in the news and social media, combined with the historical reminders of this time of year, makes the refrain pound in my brain:

You don't deserve any better, either.
You deserve only pain, as you caused.
You deserve no comfort.
You deserve no escape.
Eat what you deserve.
Choke it down.
Let it fester inside you
Until it consumes you.

I feel myself shrinking.

I shared with my wife last night, told her how hard yesterday was, and why. I couldn't have done that a couple months ago. She hugged me. Still, I wanted to die. (I didn't tell her that, though I'm obviously not keeping it from her, either.)

21 years.

I managed to make the Sign of the Cross on the way to work today. It doesn't feel like it reaches me.
I have believed that the Truth is bigger than my feelings, even this overwhelming self-judgment and despair, but I'm struggling to believe now.

It is very hard to renounce what you embrace. I know it is a lie, this thought that my vile past puts me beyond God's mercy, but I am having a very hard time renouncing that.

But one positive in the midst of this darkness: I don't view further sin, even "less abhorrent" sin than my increasingly distant past, as means of distracting/self-medicating. I can at least finally renounce the lie that some sins are appealing, or even exciting, and worthy of my consideration.