Last night and this morning were probably the darkest I have been since April 1, 1996.
Since before we were married, I knew that one of my bride's shortcomings was her inability to understand the effect her words might have outside of her brain, that is, of the context of the thought in which she forms them. I'll never forget the first time I noticed it: it was our nephew's birthday, and she had not had a chance to buy him a gift yet. So she wanted to ask his input on what she might get him, but what she said was, "Was there anything that you wanted that you didn't get?" rather than concluding "that I might get for you?" The next thing you know the kid was having a meltdown over some gift that was on his wish list that he hadn't received.
Knowing that she struggles with this and as a result says things that mean something other than what she intends to convey doesn't make me immune from the power of what she actually speaks. And last night, she accidentally hammered me in my most vulnerable spot.
I heard our therapy team (both #2 and #3, to be specific) insist to my peers near the conclusion of their program, "You're not that person anymore," and they tried to instill that thought in me, too. And yet, as Fr. Neuhaus has pointed out and I have previously reflected on, what we do determines who we are more than our aspirations do. Even though I have become healthy(er), it will always be true that I have done a terrible thing, and it looks like I'll always be vulnerable to my own accusation, especially when I hear it from the mouth of someone I love.
Oh, I almost forgot to mention: this made for another very poor night's sleep last night.
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