E5MAN

Tom, be forewarned: just 'cause I've spent a week on this doesn't mean it's worth the wait, or contains many original thoughts!

The specific passage of Scripture that has had the most consistent and prolonged effect on my life is probably the 5^th chapter of the letter to the Ephesians. This has become a somewhat unpopular passage of late, because at first glance it appears to give women the short end of the stick. It contains the contemporarily notorious passage:

"Wives, submit to your husbands . . . "

I suppose that if this were its central message, men might have an excuse for the way we've misused this passage over the centuries. We've given women such good reason for hating it! I can understand why someone who considers themselves a modern thinker would come across those five words and just stop reading.

But this chapter's message to husbands is a challenge that too many of us have forsaken. Starting again with the quote above, it says,

"Wives, submit to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head over his wife as Christ is head of His body, the church."

Again, taken on the surface, this looks to imply a superior/subordinate relationship, but reading on (and starting one verse sooner!) gives a different picture. If we consider for just a moment how Christ exercised his headship over the church - through love, forgiveness, service (using the basin and towel to wash his disciples feet, a chore from which even a slave was excused!) and ultimate sacrifice - we begin to get an inkling of what is coming. St. Paul will not be subtle about it:

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her . . ."

Now we begin to get to the heart of the matter. I've seen this paraphrased as

"Husbands, go the way of the cross for your wives."

Few of us approach our marriages this way, and I certainly don't hold myself up as a model. Our commitment to and love for our wives tends to be conditional: "As long as you don't hurt me too terribly," or, "As long as things balance out fairly evenly," or unconsciously, "As long as you continue to fill what is lacking in my own self-image." (Too often, what it really comes down to is, "As long as you remain willing to put up with my B.S.") These unspoken conditions have nothing in common with how Christ has loved us, nor with the sacramental calling of marriage, in which my partner and I are called to help one another grow in our love for the Lord together.

I don't seem able to go forward on this without looking back at how this past Lent led me to reflect anew on the way of the cross. It seems to me that it's more than just docilely accepting whatever pains may come. This Sunday we'll hear Jesus' post-resurrection words in the Gospel: "As the Father has sent me, so I send you." Jesus did not gullibly step down from the throne of glory to become a zygote in Mary's womb. Knowing full well what we would do to him, the eternal Son stepped into time, choosing to bear the unspeakable hurt we would inflict on him, even to the point of feeling utterly abandoned by the One with whom He'd been united ere time began. All this He did for one reason only: out of Love for us, He chose was best for us.

If I'm to love (my bride or anyone else) as Christ has loved the church, I should know in advance that my beloved will hurt me deeply. This hurt will be not always be incidental; sometimes it will be the result of conscious, self-centered decisions which my beloved knows will be severely hurtful to me. She may justify them by convincing herself that I won't find out, or blame me for the emotional environment that leads her to them. (In fact, the deepest hurts my wife ever inflicted upon me were rooted in my failure to love her as I should have. That doesn't excuse her hurtful decisions, but underscores my calling to respond in love.) Regardless, I must choose - in advance, and again as they happen - to respond to those hurtful actions in the way that is best for my beloved. It should be obvious that this doesn't mean being an enabler of unhealthy behaviors; that isn't best for my partner. Still, I must somehow respond to those hurts in other than the instinctive, self-protective manner that causes me to withdraw rather than continue to love in the way that is best for her. This, incidentally, will also be the way that best leads both of us deeper into the holiness to which we are called and for which we are sacramentally joined.

How appropriate to be writing these words during the novena before Pentecost! This sort of loving is only possible by the grace of the Holy Spirit. God's insane love is beyond our human capacity, save by God's very Self dwelling within us, transforming us into Christ's body.

And what is the purpose of Christ loving the church - and our loving our wives - in this way?

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to
sanctify her . . . that she might be holy and without blemish."

The purpose of sacramental marriage is to build one another up in holiness, manifesting Christ's love by the Holy Spirit at work in us individually, in our relationship with one another, in the most basic church community - the family God raises up through our manifestation of His love - and in the larger community.

Wouldn't our wives be a whole lot more comfortable with their portion of Ephesians 5 if we men were to live out our part? It isn't that I could ever insist on my wife's obedience; it's that I am to love her with the love of Christ, and to His love she and I are both to be subject. In fact, verse 21 tells us to submit to one another!

We're too unwilling to be transformed by love in this way, to lay ourselves down for our wives. We're afraid of being crucified, of being crushed, of becoming selfless, or even just of missing out on "something better," as if there could be anything better! We see the degree of pain and suffering that our Savior bore for us, and we do not choose it. We choose illusory, temporary comfort or pleasure in place of lasting, eternal, unifying love.

But what if loving in the way of the cross turns out to be the only possible way to experience the greatest joy we could ever know? What if that's the only way for anyone to become the whole person God dreams for them to become?

And as this Scripture makes clear, when we hurt our spouse, we hurt ourselves.

Oh, enough already. There's more in this scripture passage than I can pontificate on even in a megapost like this! As for the post title, that would be my license plate. More at e5men.org