darker

In my examen today, i realized thati i've failed in a way i swore i never would, very differently from my past failings, but still completely unacceptable.

"I didn't mean that the way it sounded . . . " one of my coworkers to another outside my cube a little while ago.

But i did mean what i said the way it sounded. It was a cruel thing to say. It turned out that it wasn't true, even though I did mean it at the time.

I don't know what i'm doing.

But now it isn't who i am or the life in front of me tempting me to despair, as it has been since those darkest days 18 years ago. For the first time since then, it is both, only without the hope I had then  my circumstances might ever improve.

My last therapist would have me remember, though, that it is not these things, but the thoughts within my head.

So i guess i need to start looking at my abc's again, and start learning a new normal of my own that i can embrace rather than merely tolerate.