Danger, Will Robinson!

I don't know if I can or should take this step right now . . . 

Reforming (phase 1), Existential Experience of the History of Salvation (step 4), session 7

This session's reading is Amos 2, 6-16. There isn't a particular verse that resonates with me, but this whole section on the transgressions of Israel follows shorter ones indicting Damascus, Gaza, Tyre, Edom, Ammon, Moab and Judah. The words against Israel are underscored in chapter 3 by the assertion that, of all nations, they should have known better given that the Lord had delivered them into the promised land so wondrously.

We're still referring to the existential experience rather than the personal one, so it is probably premature to align myself too closely with Israel in this. Perhaps it is better to see the pervasiveness of God's righteous judgment upon all peoples, and to realize that the salvation he has provided for us is the answer for all people, including me and including those I love.

I am a little nervous about entering into step 5, but that's next up.

I am noticing that beginning when I have and taking the sessions as I've been doing thus far has put me almost on track to now pick up with Step-by-Step's calendar approach to the Exercises. On the one hand, I really don't want to slow my momentum; it has been nice to use this as a daily meditation. On the other, I really see value in following the upcoming steps along with the calendar events that are associated with them. We'll see, maybe revisiting past sessions along the way may provide fresh insights already, allowing the Spirit to help me keep growing and not lose my focus on allowing God to work in me in this wise tradition.

Contentedness

Not that I complain of want; for I have learned, in whatever state I am, to be content. - Phil 4, 11

I clearly need to learn this lesson.

I can do all things in him who strengthens me. - Phil 4,13

I'm not so sure I have connected these very much. If I complain about the lack of contented peacefulness that verse 13 brings me, I am undermining my experience of verse 11.

Reforming (phase 1), Existential Experience of the History of Salvation (step 4), session 6

And when he drew near and saw the city he wept over it. saying, "Would that even today you knew the things that make for peace! But now they are hid from your eyes." - Lk 19, 41-42

I still don't know if I'm doing this step right. But I find that consideration of my personal sin as a component of the sin of the whole world is a useful thing for me, in multiple ways.

• It makes me less surprised at things that have many of those around me shocked. "How could they" - whomever the "they" of the current story is - "do such an awful thing?"  Well, how can I be surprised that the accumulated effect of sin in the world has led us to such extremes? In fact, I've been wondering in recent days: how much of a spiritually binding effect does the widespread tolerance of sinful behavior have on our world?
• It makes me less judgmental of others. Of course, I had an element of this good trend in my life already simply because . . . but to see all of our sin as connected helps me to live that not-supposed-to-be-a-cliché more effectively: hate the sin, but love the sinner. How can I not feel compassion for the sinner if the whole world's sinfulness is interrelated?

Okay, that's a lot of rhetorical questions for a short reflection. But I find that this reading fits right in with my heartache over the brokenness I see in my own family.

Today's words

unwonted \-ˈwȯn-təd, -ˈwōn- also -ˈwən- or -ˈwän-\  1.  being out of the ordinary :  rare, unusual  2. not accustomed by experience

I can get to the second definition from the meaning of wont which I am wont to use. I didn't get the first one, though.

exiguous \ig-ˈzi-gyə-wəs\ - excessively scanty :  inadequate

I don't care for the indicated pronunciation, which to my mind should be more like \ehg-'zi-gyu-wəs\. While I recognized this word (both of these are from today's Dictionary Devil puzzle), in my modern cultural bias I suppose I tended to associate the "excessively scanty" definition given with clothing rather than circumstances; when I finally saw it in that context, it clicked. 

Thoughts inspired by a message conversation with a friend

"I am just trying to receive the current circumstances of my life as a gift, a glimpse into God's love for his beloved sons and daughters who choose our self-centered roads over his greater desire for us. How he aches for our sake, when we lack the sense to recognize our own pain. I am also trying to remember that I am not supposed to find fulfillment in anyone except him, and to stop looking for it whence it cannot come. And I am trying to trust that he will provide it . . . .

"I feel like Lucy Pevensie's siblings in Prince Caspian: following her because I cannot see who she sees; not even quite daring to believe she has actually seen him, either; taking direction more from knowing that I lack any other way forward than from knowing God himself."

Should I take comfort that I have finally entered into the dark night of the soul, as opposed to the mere self-neglect that has heretofore been the primary constant within my spiritual walk?

Like the deer that yearns for running streams, so my soul is yearning for you, my God. My soul is thirsting for God, the living God; when can I enter and appear before the face of God? My tears have become my bread, by day, by night, as they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?” These things will I remember as I pour out my soul: For I would go to the place of your wondrous tent, all the way to the house of God, amid cries of gladness and thanksgiving, the throng keeping joyful festival. Why are you cast down, my soul; why groan within me? Hope in God; I will praise him yet again, my saving presence and my God. My soul is cast down within me, therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and Mount Hermon, from the Hill of Mizar. Deep is calling on deep, in the roar of your torrents; your billows and all your waves swept over me. By day the LORD decrees his merciful love; by night his song is with me, prayer to the God of my life. I will say to God, my rock, “Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning oppressed by the foe?” With a deadly wound in my bones, my enemies revile me, saying to me all the day long, “Where is your God?” Why are you cast down, my soul; why groan within me? Hope in God; I will praise him yet again, my saving presence and my God. - Ps 42

with a thirst brought on by not finding water for desperate days on end though sometimes I mistake things far less than you for the object of my desire I look for sustenance from the wrong sources, from the very gifts with which you have graced me. This false bread can never sustain me. Only you can satisfy I remember the days when the simple act of praising you was sufficient to lift my spirit, to allow me to hope in you why does even praising you fail to bring me comfort? it is this vocation for which I am created. yet I will not stop praising merely because it brings no relief; indeed, you are no less worthy of my praise, and praising you is still your gift to me. the depths of my thirst long to drink from the depths of your love. as well they should. Indeed, I revile myself. yes, I shall praise you all my days, each day that you grant me, though hope itself should seem to abandon me.

Perhaps I can find a crumb of comfort in knowing that Jesus himself prayed this Psalm.

Today's words

sempiternal \sem-pih-TER-nul\ - of never-ending duration : eternal

Not a term I imagine I'll ever use, but I'm pretty pleased to have recognized the root. I suppose there might be times when I might grab this as a highfalutin cross between "perpetual" and "persistent," especially in contexts in which I wish to accentuate some negative aspect that is ever present in my life.

maunder \MAWN-der\ - 1. chiefly British : grumble  2. to wander slowly and idly 3. to speak indistinctly or disconnectedly

I'm pretty sure I've encountered this word before. What really surprised me was the synonymous definition that was linked at the bottom of the write-up, a word with which I was only familiar in its more common usage.

Reforming (phase 1), Existential Experience of the History of Salvation (step 4), session 5

"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, killing the prophets and stoning those who are sent to you! How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you would not!  Behold, your house is forsaken. And I tell you, you will not see me until you say, `Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!'"  - Lk 13, 34-35

How the Lord longs to bring his beloved ones home.

Again, I get just a taste of his longing for us.

We say (or sing), "Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!" But do we mean it, and as a result, do we see him?

Another earlier verse caught my attention, and caused me to wonder how thoroughly I have read this gospel in the past:

At that very hour some Pharisees came, and said to him, "Get away from here, for Herod wants to kill you." - Lk 13, 31

We know about Nicodemus, of course, but apparently he wasn't the only of the Pharisees who didn't have it out for Jesus.

There can be no doubt: I did not equip them well. at all.

Reforming (phase 1), Existential Experience of the History of Salvation (step 4), session 4

Hear, O heavens, and give ear, O earth;
for the LORD has spoken:
"Sons have I reared and brought up,
but they have rebelled against me.
The ox knows its owner,
and the ass its master's crib;
but Israel does not know,
my people does not understand."
Ah, sinful nation,
a people laden with iniquity,
offspring of evildoers,
sons who deal corruptly!
They have forsaken the LORD,
they have despised the Holy One of Israel,
they are utterly estranged. - Is 1, 2-4

As I was sharing with men's group about my son-in-law's view of the world, they encouraged me to remember that God feels this way about his beloved children all. the. time, or - more accurately, I suppose - perpetually.

I think I could do with feeling a little less like God.

It is hard to trust that this minor glimpse into his heart is good for me. But even as I resist it, I can see how it might be a useful tool in the next step, as he moves me to step up my opposition to my personal sinfulness.

Your country lies desolate,
your cities are burned with fire;
in your very presence
aliens devour your land;
it is desolate, as overthrown by aliens.
And the daughter of Zion is left
like a booth in a vineyard,
like a lodge in a cucumber field,
like a besieged city. - Is 1, 7-8

What will it take for us to recognize the inevitable end of our selfish short-sightedness? How many destroyed families and lives must lie in ruins behind us?  How many hearts must lie broken and bleeding in our wake?

Again, there is so much more in this first chapter of Isaiah, all of which belongs to this session. We see God's rejection of our ritualized offerings in the context of our corrupt, self-centered hearts and lives. We hear his promise to restore justice and righteousness. We are warned of the fate that awaits those who fail to repent of their wickedness.

I tremble, yet I hope in his goodness and grace.

Reforming (phase 1), Existential Experience of the History of Salvation (step 4), session 3

There is much that struck me in Jeremiah 5, the reading for this session. I suppose the biggest thing is how the beginning of this chapter corrects a misconception I had about Old Testament teaching. I thought that one of the things that was unique about Jesus' teaching was the idea that the rich are not necessarily favored by God. But even this reading from Jeremiah makes clear that at least one prophet of old proclaimed that neither poorness nor richness alone is indicative of our standing with God. Sinfulness is a universal scourge to which rich and poor alike are prone.

But despite the universality of sin among humankind, God doesn't give up on us. Rather, he has provided for our restoration, even before we are ready to walk in it.

Reforming (phase 1), Existential Experience of the History of Salvation (step 4), session 2

But the serpent said to the woman, "You will not die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."  - Gen 1, 4-5

Oh, there is so much truth revealed in these two critical verses from our fall. Look at some of the thoughts and lies in this one temptation:

• Knowing - defining - good and evil for ourselves is a good thing.
• It is, in fact, how we should aspire to be like God.
• Doing what God says not to will have positive effects. 
• God has lied to us.

How much we live our lives under the influence of these false premises!

Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves aprons. - Gen 1, 7

Yep, they knew good and evil, and it was not a good thing.

Today we often deceive ourselves about good and evil, to rationalize doing what we want. It invariably has hurtful consequences, and eventually our eyes are open and we are dismayed by what we have done.

Then the LORD God said, "Behold, the man has become like one of us, knowing good and evil; and now, lest he put forth his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever" -- therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from which he was taken.  - Gen 1, 22-23

The tree of life is not eternally kept from us. The cross has become the tree of life, and when we eat the fruit of this tree, Jesus' very Body and Blood, we have eternal life.

(I want to say more about this, and may edit later.)

Reforming (phase 1), Existential Experience of the History of Salvation (step 4), session 1

First of all, this step is a mouthful.

Secondly, it and the next step are a review of areas which I have given much attention. But I trust in God to use them to bring me the growth that he desires for me.

Sin is not just a dialectical opposite of grace; it is not a trick of God’s love that He uses to show us our poverty and creaturehood so He can then show us how merciful He is. Sin in itself does not demand grace! And therefore, Christian existence is not a dialectical unity of sin and grace; rather, it is a road of decision from darkness to light, according to which the situation of each of us must be judged - Karl Rahner, Spiritual Exercises, as quoted by Step-by-Step Retreats in Step 4:  Existential Experience of the History of Salvation 

I suppose there has been a bit of a movement to view sin itself as either a means or an inseparable obverse of grace. In this view, ultimately my individual sin and our collective sinfulness are both God's fault. St. Ignatius clearly does not hold to this view any more than I do. This step will focus on the general fallen state of humankind; the next will hone in on my individual sin.

It seems to me that both of these steps will have to constantly present salvific grace as the answer to sin.

For if God did not spare the angels when they sinned, but cast them into hell and committed them to pits of nether gloom to be kept until the judgment; if he did not spare the ancient world, but preserved Noah, a herald of righteousness, with seven other persons, when he brought a flood upon the world of the ungodly; if by turning the cities of Sodom and Gomor'rah to ashes he condemned them to extinction and made them an example to those who were to be ungodly; and if he rescued righteous Lot, greatly distressed by the licentiousness of the wicked (for by what that righteous man saw and heard as he lived among them, he was vexed in his righteous soul day after day with their lawless deeds), then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trial, and to keep the unrighteous under punishment until the day of judgment, and especially those who indulge in the lust of defiling passion and despise authority.  - 2 Pet 2, 4-10

We can choose sin or we can choose grace. We cannot choose both. God's great desire is for our good, but he will not force that choice on us. But just because, by grace, I have repented of one sin or a series of them more destructive than those which I may still indulge, I must not conclude that the sin that remains is of no concern.

Today's word

turophile \TOOR-uh-fyle\ - a connoisseur of cheese : a cheese fancier

The "phile" part was obvious. The "turo" part? Not so much.

Today's words

redux \ree-DUKS\ - brought back

A word with which I was familiar, but I wasn't aware that it is always used postpositively.

esculent \ESS-kyuh-lunt\ - edible

 This one sounds as if it should mean something more elegant than merely "edible."

neophilia \nee-uh-FILL-ee-uh\ - love or enthusiasm for what is new or novel

I was pretty close to getting this one, and might have if I'd just given myself a touch more time.

bucket shop \BUK-ut-SHAHP\ - 1. a gambling establishment that formerly used market fluctuations (as in commodities) as a basis for gaming  2. a dishonest brokerage firm

Didn't have a clue.

Reforming (phase 1), The Principle of Freedom (step 3), session 5

From your dwelling you water the hills;
by your works the earth has its fill.
You make the grass grow for the cattle
and plants to serve mankind’s need.
That he may bring forth bread from the earth
and wine to cheer the heart;
oil, to make faces shine,
and bread to strengthen the heart of man. - Ps 104, 3-15

What might this have to do with the Principle of Freedom? As it relates to our human vocation, it is absolutely essential that I not forget that it is God who provides for my needs. When I am in the midst of circumstances that seem overwhelming or hopeless, I can become intimidated in a way that causes me to turn away from the path to which God is calling me. I think of how long I resisted my initial entry into counseling, even as it became increasingly obvious that I was hurting the people I love most, because I could not see any way out of the hole I had dug for myself. I failed to consider the lilies - okay, I didn't quote that exact verse in this post, but it was part of the reading for that session - and to realize that God will never fail to provide for what we need.

I think this causes us so much anxiety! We agonize over every implication and ramification of each decision we might make, rather than simply making sure that we are not committing sin and trusting God to provide for the details. We forget that God is equally capable of redirecting our steps for us by placing obstacles within our path and of using the steps we take for greater glory than the ones we might have chosen in their stead. We also fail to remember that God is never surprised by any decision we make, as he has already seen us make it.

This scripture speaks directly to where I have been living. I become filled with despair when I begin to think that it is up to me to provide for everything (I think) I need and I can't see any way of doing that.

All of these look to you
to give them their food in due season.
You give it, they gather it up;
you open wide your hand, they are well filled.
You hide your face, they are dismayed;
you take away their breath, they die,
returning to the dust from which they came.
You send forth your spirit, and they are created,
and you renew the face of the earth.
May the glory of the LORD last forever!
May the LORD rejoice in his works!
He looks on the earth and it trembles;
he touches the mountains and they smoke.
I will sing to the LORD all my life,
sing psalms to my God while I live.
May my thoughts be pleasing to him.
I will rejoice in the LORD. - Ps 104, 27-34

What a wonderful song of praise. I always have freedom to fulfill my vocation of glorifying God with my life because God is always supplying my need, even when I don't see my life that way.

darker

In my examen today, i realized thati i've failed in a way i swore i never would, very differently from my past failings, but still completely unacceptable.

"I didn't mean that the way it sounded . . . " one of my coworkers to another outside my cube a little while ago.

But i did mean what i said the way it sounded. It was a cruel thing to say. It turned out that it wasn't true, even though I did mean it at the time.

I don't know what i'm doing.

But now it isn't who i am or the life in front of me tempting me to despair, as it has been since those darkest days 18 years ago. For the first time since then, it is both, only without the hope I had then  my circumstances might ever improve.

My last therapist would have me remember, though, that it is not these things, but the thoughts within my head.

So i guess i need to start looking at my abc's again, and start learning a new normal of my own that i can embrace rather than merely tolerate.

Where is hope?

Only prayer brings me any.

Sometimes I am very close to not wanting it to anymore. I'm tired of feeling alone in my life and of believing I always will be.

Even reading brings me no comfort. Fabulous tales of distant lands intended to teach of the greater people we can be in Christ instead accuse me and then remind me by contrast of my unloved, bastardly roots.

Yet comes, unbidden, the ancient psalm that has carried my unwilling, despairing soul through its very darkest days:

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From whence shall come my help?
My help comes from the Lordwho made heaven and earth - Ps 121, 1-2

Oh Lord, nobody knows me but you. Hasten to my aid.

Reforming (phase 1), The Principle of Freedom (step 3), session 4

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil, for thou art with me - Ps 23, 4

I am certain I can't say anything about this great psalm that hasn't already been said countless times, but I'm going to say what's on my mind about it anyway.

This valley represents different things at different times in our lives. I have been literally in the shadow of death when my loved ones have died, and when I have been close to taking my own life. Yet the greater ever-present threat that this valley might represent is the temptation to forsake the way in which my Shepherd leads me in order to forage on the poisonous plants that grow in places where he leadeth not. Despair and hopelessness are among these dangers, as well as disenchantment. Really, the seven capital sins as St. John of the Cross relates them to the spiritual life are all examples of the real shadow of death against which I must remain on guard. I must trust my Shepherd to lead me where the pastures are pure and the water clean, and not let my taste be corrupted by eating of what is not wholesome for me.

I think of how our society's taste for sweet, fatty, or convenient food is a parable of this spiritual corruption.

Reforming (phase 1), The Principle of Freedom (step 3), session 3

We know that in everything God works for good with those who love him, who are called according to his purpose. - Rom 8, 28

The reading for this session is passage that kept me alive for a time, Rom 8, 28-39. God used this scripture along with Ps 121 to provide a glimmer of hope in the midst of my darkest self-judgment and despair. It can be challenging to remember the truth of this verse when my attention is too focused on my challenges.

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, will he not also give us all things with him? - Rom 8, 32

Why do I keep insisting on which of his "all things" God should be giving me? I need to be content to wait in him in the midst of the dark night, trusting that he is providing for my every need.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, "For thy sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Rom 8, 35-39

Even when I feel that part of me is dying, I must remember that God is all about resurrection and glorification. I must allow him to put to death those things in me to which I would cling as an empty substitute for receiving him in his fullness.

Hiding place

There's a dark cloud hanging
Full of pain
And I'm caught out in the rain

In my secret heart a stillness gives way
To the sound of a longing for a better day
Behind the easy laughter is a man who is afraid
That he will repeat every mistake that he has made

. . . 

In my secret heart where I run to hide
Nobody knows me but you - Bob Bennett, My Secret Heart

Okay, I'm not so worried about repeating my worst mistakes. They are long since over and done with and healed from. Some would say that they have led me here, so they are ultimately for good. I cannot be so sanguine about them, especially the worst. But even ignoring the worst, I have become incapable of truly opening up to anyone, of being fully myself with anyone save God alone.

That isn't how I'm supposed to be. Oh, I'm not supposed to have anyone in God's place, but I'm also not supposed to be on guard from everyone except God. It isn't (just) a matter of mistrusting; that isn't why I shy back. It is (mainly) because I am no longer willing to grant to anyone access to me that should be hers alone (along with God's).

You are my hiding place, O Lord
You gaze into the secrets of my soul - John Michael Talbot, The Hiding Place

But I know the refuge that you are, O Lord, is not for hiding myself away, but for finding myself so as to share you.

Reforming (phase 1), The Principle of Freedom (step 3), session 2

For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. - Jer 29, 11

An encouraging word that meets me right where I am.

You will seek me and find me; when you seek me with all your heart . . .  - Jer 29, 13

Could there be any greater future and hope than this?

I'm not sure what this reading (Jer 29, 11-14) has to do with the principle of freedom, except that God has promised to deliver us from our exile. Christ has, of course, accomplished this for us.

If my "exile" is being enslaved to sin, and my freedom is being free to love God in the decisions I make, then yes, I am delivered.

I know. I know!

Dammit, I know!

I still have plenty of family.

God supplies everything I need.

So why am I feeling so lonely and empty?

Reforming (phase 1), The Principle of Freedom (step 3), session 1

In this “principle of freedom” which stands at the beginning of the Spiritual Exercises and summarizes its entire program “Ignatius basically articulates the view that the Christian should seek to cultivate an inner spirit of faith in the divine providence which is so deep and profound that her or she simply says to the Lord: 'God, here I am! I am coming to obey your will.' (Heb 10:7)” - Tyrrell, “Christotherapy II,” p. 207, as quoted in the orientation to step 3

There's some great stuff from St. Ignatius preceding this that's just too long to quote in its entirety, that makes it clear that the central premise of this step is that, in whatever circumstances God may permit to occur in our lives, there is nothing to hinder our freedom to exercise our will so as to listen and to fulfill our basic human vocation. We'll see if the individual session readings validate this or if I'm off base, in which case I trust that what God really has for me in this step is greater than what I think it is.

Therefore do not be anxious, saying, `What shall we eat?' or `What shall we drink?' or `What shall we wear?'  For the Gentiles seek all these things; and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well. - Mt 6, 31-33

Indeed, it is easy for me to be anxious about my "needs" that I perceive are not being met, and to let my life get derailed as a result. But God's word reminds me that this is not true. God knows what I need and has already made ample provision for it.

I must allow the Spirit to recall this truth to my mind more consistently.

I can see that these exercises might be accomplished by taking multiple sessions over the course of a single day, which would result in each phase being closer to a week. Perhaps this was St. Ignatius' original intention. But I am finding that this gradual pace of once-daily reading and reflection may bring a long-lacking discipline to my walk, and serves to allow me a longer period to soak in each step's focus and spiritual truth.

I have been taking these sessions primarily at lunch time during the week, but I really needed this now.

Autumn:

the season in which my heart always feels perpetually broken. Those early seasons of uncertain fear, of rejection, of violation, of brokenness seem to echo in my emotions even when their spiritual hold has been broken.

Our hearts are restless until they rest in You. - St. Augustine, Confessions

Only when I am praising do I feel whole.

Today's words

My judgment on today's WOTD: I can now put aside my scorn for those who use the extra "e."

This reminds me of someone with whom I used to read Shakespeare aloud - always with an unabridged dictionary handy, as many of the Bard's usages are no longer considered standard. We would frequently encounter words about which we disagreed on the pronunciation, and every single time it turned out that we were both correct.

silviculture \ˈsil-və-ˌkəl-chər\ - a branch of forestry dealing with the development and care of forests

As I was working out today's Dictionary Devil puzzle, this word fell into place pretty rapidly. I soon recognized the relationship to silvan - variant of sylvan, with which I was familiar, perhaps thanks initially to Tolkein - and the use of culture as in agriculture and horticulture.

Reforming (phase 1), Our Human Vocation (step 2), session 5

Cry out with joy to the LORD, all you lands!
Serve the LORD with gladness!
Come into his presence with singing!

Know that he, the LORD, is God!
It is he that made us, and we are his;
we are his people, and the sheep of his flock.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving,
and his courts with praise!
Give thanks to him, bless his name!

For the LORD is good;
his steadfast love endures for ever,
and his faithfulness to all generations. - Ps 100

Whatever our specific calling, this is indeed each person's vocation: to praise God with our voices, our hearts, our lives. Every other thing that we do will find its context in this.

There are only five sessions to this step, so I will be moving on to the next step. But this one has served as a good reminder of the importance of daily praise, and a barometer indicating just how far I have drifted from having this as part of my daily life of faith.

Reforming (phase 1), Our Human Vocation (step 2), session 4

In him, according to the purpose of him who accomplishes all things according to the counsel of his will, we who first hoped in Christ have been destined and appointed to live for the praise of his glory. In him you also, who have heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and have believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, which is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory. - Eph 1: 11-14

To the praise of his glory.

That really is what the whole thing is about.

I keep coming back to this idea that the cross and the resurrection cannot be separated in our lives. We respect no successful person who has simply lucked into their position. We only deem those who have suffered to get there to be worthy of our esteem. That isn't to say, if God is in any way glorified in my life, even through my suffering, that I get any credit or glory for myself. But I need to stop treating each challenge along the way as some sort of great impediment to the life I want - one that glorifies God - rather than as the only possible means to it.

Today's word(s)

derogate \DAIR-uh-gayt\ - 1. to cause to seem inferior : disparage  2. to take away a part so as to impair : detract  3. to act beneath one's position or character

With its obvious relationship to the adjective "derogatory," I don't know why I had trouble with this one.

 Yesterday's and today's words are familiar to me, but interesting for their etymology.

At it again

We were already not in a good place for the evening. I'm sorry that I feel so frustrated when the next thing that I have to take care of gets tossed onto my plate. I know you think I should just have a solution and a smile right away, but there are some things it seems like you should be able to handle as well as I can - although I suppose the thing you raised last night may not be one of them. I'm pretty sure. though, that I'm just going to look under that sink, find a loose linkage on the sink plunger, and tighten it up. I'll bet it isn't anything more than that, though it didn't occur to me last night.

But at least I didn't start watching our Sunday night program without you. I really was just killing time in front of the tv when you came down and "suggested" that I switch from the game that I really wasn't interested in to our recorded Sunday night program. When you got upset about needing to hear what was going on upstairs, I was in the middle of trying to switch to it, then you got so impatient when I couldn't get the tv silenced quickly enough for you. (Didn't you realize that their mother was up there with them?)

So at that point I went up to do the dishes, mostly to blow off steam over getting bitched at again for not doing something the way you wanted it done. I was pretty disappointed that you started watching the program without me. When I came downstairs and saw that you had abandoned it, I tried to catch up to where you were, but by then you apparently were not at all interested in any time with me. So I went to bed alone again (just as well, last night; I don't think I'd have fallen asleep as quickly had you come to bed with me), having left off watching it around where I thought you might have been. But I don't know when we'll get a window to finish watching it together in our respective busy viewing schedules. The O's will be on again tonight, though it looks like their season may be finished soon, and you still have things you watch nightly, so . . .

My life feels pretty dismal. I'm continually having to remind myself that God is in charge of things, and I struggle to trust that there are better things to come for us. Nor is this is primarily because of the change in our household circumstances.

Reforming ("week" 1), Our Human Vocation (step 2), session 3

Up until now I have just used the "week" number in my post title, but this first phase ("week" in the traditional terminology for the Spiritual Exercies) and the subsequent ones also have a title or a focus into which each of the named steps fits. Since the first phase is called Reforming, so I presume that each step will deal with some aspect of allowing God to reform our lives out of our self-centered tendencies and into his greater will for us.

The first step of this process was recognizing that we need to listen actively to God's voice, that we must choose to hear his often quiet leading amid the cacophony of this world. The second cannot come before the first: how are we to hear our vocation to respond to God's call rather than the world's if we do not first accustom ourselves to listen for him?

We tend to think of our specific vocation for a particular station in life, as a priest, permanent deacon, religious, single lay person or married person. But this Step reminds us that

God creates every man and woman out of love and for the same human vocation: to love and praise God with their existence and serve him with reverence. Living this way they will find the fulfillment of their life and collaborate in their salvation and that of all humankind. - the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola, “Principle and Foundation”

It is in this long overdue context that I continue along this journey.

Listen to me, O coastlands, and hearken, you peoples from afar. The LORD called me from the womb, from the body of my mother he named my name. - Is 49, 1

Is it not true for each of us that the Lord has called us into our place in him from before we were born? God is not surprised by my struggles, and he has an answer for them, if I will but seek his will instead of insisting upon my own.

But Zion said, "The LORD has forsaken me, my Lord has forgotten me."
"Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb?
Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have graven you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are continually before me." - Is 49, 14b-16

We are not abandoned by the Lord. No matter how alone we may feel, God is ever with us. His greatness and glory I shall proclaim!

Today's word

clerisy \KLAIR-uh-see\ - intellectuals who form an artistic, social, or political vanguard or elite: intelligentsia

Further evidence of our deification of intelligence?

I need to let go of a couple things

One of my Orioles' fan coworkers walked by my cube this morning and asked if I went to the game last weekend. In the process of answering, I lied again.

I put a high value on honesty, but in this case I cannot reconcile it with a higher one. I simply cannot say the bald truth - that I was discouraged from going rather than encouraged, and so I didn't go, even though I longed to - because I don't want to portray my bride in the negative light that would result from it.

So yes, there are a couple of things that this reveals that I need to turn over to God. I need to not hearken to my lifelong fandom more than to being the husband and grandfather and follower of Christ that I am called to be. I need to quit blaming my wife for something that was, ultimately, my decision to make. I need to be done with this childish petulance that I don't have the life I wish I had, and mourning over unimportant things in a way that interferes with my appreciation for my many blessings.

At least I was calmly honest with my bride when she suggested that I might be glad I didn't go to the game on a fairly chilly day.

I suppose I may be dying to myself a little bit more here, which would be a good thing, but I'm not sure I am doing it right. If I am or if I'm not, it hurts about as much as you'd think dying would.

"I'll keep putting my faith in my rationalism, thank you."

Our response when the inexplicable - a word which I've intentionally chosen over the one I believe to be more applicable in this week's events - occurs can include a broad range of thoughts and feelings. Oddly enough, Christians and nonbelievers may share many of them.

This week, good friends whom we've known since at least 1988 received a bona fide miracle. Their youngest daughter was born with a hearing impairment that took a couple years to diagnose. She has used hearing aids in the six years since to engage in conversational speech, and has been seeing a speech therapist to help her learn to speak normally.

About a year ago, this wonderful young girl had a conversion experience, accepting Jesus as her Savior. That night she reported to her parents that God had told her he was going to heal her and use that to bring many people to know him.

Last weekend the first part of that prophecy was fulfilled. At a sort of workshop/service on healing prayer, her hearing was fully restored. When she went down front for the boisterous youth praise and worship, she asked her mom to please hold her hearing aids, as she often did before entering this loud environment.  She never took them back from her afterward, and at the end of the service, she told her dad she could hear.

What is your reaction to a story like this?

Mine is usually to search for the rational explanation. The most probable causes of most phenomena are rational ones, after all. Even when we pray for someone undergoing medical treatment, don't we end up attributing the credit or the blame to the medical process rather than to God?  But what might the rational explanations be, exactly, in this case? Dishonesty about the child's condition before or after the service? Did she just "grow out" of some childhood condition, even though they had never been told that this was possible? Could her own mind have healed her by some unknown means?

None of these seem to apply in this case, and some of them require a more irrational faith than the one that atheists reject outright. "I have no idea what it could have been; I'm only certain that it couldn't have been 'God'!" I've spent time with this dear child, as recently as this past summer, and listened as her parents fretted about the expense of continuing to provide her with the aids that improved her hearing well enough to allow her to function in society.  This couple is amazed and overjoyed at what has happened to their precious daughter. Still, my rational approach insists on defaulting to the likelihood of some scientific explanation that we just haven't discovered yet, and I find I must come against that natural tendency if I am to simply rejoice in this wondrous blessing that these beloved friends have received.

Besides this skepticism, what other responses do I sometimes see in myself or others?

Sometimes I can feel resentful over not receiving such a gift for a loved one or for myself, even as I know in my heart that my faith has never been as great as this young girl's is.

Sometimes I feel frustrated with myself for not having such a simple, trusting faith.

I've heard others express indignation that a supposed God would pour forth this sort miracle when there are so many great(er) and (more) desperate needs to be addressed throughout the world. What about people who experience great calamities, or who are stricken with terminal illnesses or debilitating conditions? And why can't a God who can miraculously restore a child's hearing do some sort of wonder that would convince us to stop hating and killing each other?

In short, there are a lot of responses other than the one that I need to have: humble awe at God's abundant love, and a desire for a faith that would allow it to flow unhindered in my life, too.

Our human vocation ("week" 1, step 2), session 2

But now thus says the LORD,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you. - Is 43, 1-2

In the midst of living out my vocation, how often do I doubt this promise that I shall not be overwhelmed, burned or consumed? How often do I instead conclude that all three things are happening to me almost daily? How often do I feel alone, even though God has promised to always be with me?

And how often do I not feel redeemed? Just today I felt slapped afresh by the circumstances of my birth. Has God not become my Father, filling up the shortcomings of my earthly fathers?

Today's word

pomology \pō-ˈmä-lə-jē\ - the science and practice of growing fruit

Got this one correct in today's Dictionary Devil puzzle based on the roots, but partly assumed that the "pom" was a shared root with "pomegranate." I'm not convinced that isn't the case, even though the specific fruit's name came from French origins as opposed to being directly from Latin.

How to get me to stop . . .

. . . doing dishes (or any other chore): tell me how I should be doing them. twice.

No, really, I've been washing dishes since I was eight. I will get them clean. (Mostly. At least.)

Is it possible to figuratively bite your tongue off?

That is, can you decide so often that it's better to just shut (tf) up that it eventually becomes your new normal?  If so, does that bear emotional repercussions, such as there are with stuffing your anger for too long?

Really?

You squawked when I tried to buy a $100 ticket for what turned out to be the ALDS-clinching game in Detroit (and the O's last victory of the year). Now you want to go to Stanwood and Camano Island?

Some well intended FB posts . . .

. . . just hurt.

Today's words

obloquy \AH-bluh-kwee\ - 1. a strongly condemnatory utterance : abusive language  2. the condition of one that is discredited : bad repute

I'd heard of this one; I couldn't recall it, but recognized it after seeing the definition.

fulgent \FULL-jint\ -  dazzlingly bright : radiant

This one, too.

Our human vocation ("week" 1, step 2), session 1

Thou knowest me right well;
my frame was not hidden from thee,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately wrought in the depths of the earth.
Thy eyes beheld my unformed substance;
in thy book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them. - Ps 139, 14b-16

As I struggle to embrace the life that is mine, to rejoice in it and celebrate it in the context of God's love for me, it is good for me to remember that - just as I professed last week in my time of uncertainty about my employment - God is never caught unaware by a single circumstance in my life or a single thought that I have. It isn't that I am therefore robbed of my will, but that God has seen the choices I will make, and has the way of my eternal life in him mapped out for my choosing. Whatever else life may bring, this is God's ultimate plan for me, and he has provided for its fulfillment.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any wicked way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting! - Ps 139, 23-24

All that remains is for me to entrust myself to his scrutiny and providential plan rather than rebel against his love and care in my vain selfishness.

Listening ("week" 1, step 1), session 7

Different versions of Ps 95, 7b-8a:

If today you hear his voice, harden not your hearts. Common responsorial version of Ps 95, though I can't find an official translation that uses this text

Oh, that today you would hear his voice: Do not harden your hearts . . .  NABRE

O that today you would hearken to his voice! Harden not your hearts . . . RSV

O that today you would listen to his voice! “Harden not your hearts . . . Revised Grail

Today, if only you would hear his voice, "Do not harden your hearts . . . " NIV

To day if ye will hear his voice, harden not your heart . . . KJV

(I was sure I had a label just for this psalm, as often as I've written about it. I do now.)

I love how the different translations give us different ways of thinking about this: listening vs. hearing him, God specifically telling us not to harden our hearts vs. the psalmist warning us against this. I know there is a version - perhaps the Grail, but I'll have to check on that when I have my breviary at hand - that says " . . . do not grow stubborn . . ." rather than "do not harden your hearts."

All of it comes down to putting aside my agenda and desires in order to heed God's.

I am still not good at this.

I might need to revisit this first step even as I move on in the Exercises.

A bit of today's examen

First of all, I allowed yesterday's events to be more important to me than spending this daily time with God. I ruminated, rooted, celebrated, resented, grudgingly served, but at no point did I actually set my agenda aside to pray, to listen.

Perhaps this is why I am more susceptible to being knocked off track in my thoughts, too. It is hard, now, to keep my attention where it needs to be even for a few minutes. My mind wanders off to the sports news, to other things than to our wondrous God.

Listening ("week" 1, step 1), session 6

The heavens are telling the glory of God;
and the firmament proclaims his handiwork.
Day to day pours forth speech,
and night to night declares knowledge.
There is no speech, nor are there words;
their voice is not heard;
yet their voice goes out through all the earth,
and their words to the end of the world.
In them he has set a tent for the sun,
which comes forth like a bridegroom leaving his chamber,
and like a strong man runs its course with joy. - Ps 6, 1-5

In the context of listening, this wonderful scripture passage takes on a fresh new meaning. Without speech, without words, we must listen to the proclaimed glory of God, which he speaks to us through the marvels of creation.

The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul;
the testimony of the LORD is sure,
making wise the simple;
the precepts of the LORD are right,
rejoicing the heart;
the commandment of the LORD is pure,
enlightening the eyes;
the fear of the LORD is clean,
enduring for ever;
the ordinances of the LORD are true,
and righteous altogether.
More to be desired are they than gold,
even much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey
and drippings of the honeycomb.
Moreover by them is thy servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
But who can discern his errors?
Clear thou me from hidden faults.
Keep back thy servant also from presumptuous sins;
let them not have dominion over me!
Then I shall be blameless,
and innocent of great transgression.
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in thy sight,
O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. - Ps 19, 7-14

Verses 7-10 are quite familiar through frequent use in the Mass, but the rest of this great psalm is the whole point! Of course, none of us are innocent of transgression, but the Lord keeps us from failing greatly when we are heedful of his word. But the greatest reward is that by listening to God we begin to know him, and there is no greater gift God has to give us than his very self.

Listening ("week" 1, step 1), session 5

What is man that thou art mindful of him, and the son of man that thou dost care for him? Yet thou hast made him little less than God, and dost crown him with glory and honor. - Ps 8, 4-5

I may remain but a speck of cosmic dust in the vast universe, but the Creator of the universe and of every speck within it deigns to speak to me, to crown me with glory and honor, most of all by becoming a speck like me so that I might become a part of Him. I am nothing, and my physical existence will soon pass away to nothingness, but that doesn't mean that I don't matter. I matter so much that the Creator would not have me simply vanish. How much, then, does this compel me to listen to the only One who has the words of eternal life? To whom else should I go?

People think that humility means debasing ourselves, when in truth it means knowing ourselves in the proper context. I am nothing, really, but I am precious and loved and made something by God himself.

Listen to the love song God sings. Sway to its rhythm. Take up a small thread of its complex, variegated polyphony. Dance within it as it snatches us up in its joyful love and crowns us in glory and honor.

Is this ironic?

It was easier to believe that God would supply my need if I were laid off than that He will in . . . other areas. I may have developed a habit of pessimism and dissatisfaction. This is contrary to the person I have always striven - and thought myself - to be.

Listening ("week" 1, lesson 1), session 4

. . . because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew you out of my mouth.  For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing; not knowing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked.  Therefore I counsel you to buy from me gold refined by fire, that you may be rich, and white garments to clothe you and to keep the shame of your nakedness from being seen, and salve to anoint your eyes, that you may see. Those whom I love, I reprove and chasten; so be zealous and repent. - Rev 3, 16-19

This excerpt from today's session (Rev 3, 14-22) would sting me were I not already so acutely aware of my wretched, pitiable, blind, derelict nakedness. Still, I know that while I am being completely honest with God about my status, I am not so forthcoming with someone else who should probably know. Perhaps it is a matter of my having "said something" too often for too long with no lasting changes. Perhaps I have grown weary of being a persistent widow, and if so, maybe that resignation is what needs to change in me.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if any one hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me. - Rev 3, 20

I believe this verse to be true. Thus my hope remains, in the One in whose faith I walk, despite my frustrations.

The examen pains me daily

Every day it brings back into focus the very thing that has driven me to seek God to meet my every need. Every day it challenges me to seek a reconciliation where I know I have done no wrong, that the circumstances and thoughts that torment me are outside of my ability to control and that I am in fact doing what I should in response to them. Every day the examen reminds me that I still feel isolated and hopeless. Even on a day when I have received what should be moderately good news on the professional front and yet my heart and soul remain tender toward my departing coworkers, my examen brings me no quarter.

I know that I must shift my focus off of myself and back to God. That's what this decision to undertake the Exercises is all about. I honestly know that it is not a prideful undertaking. Yet even its suggestion about how married persons should best do them is a daily reminder.

Lord, if this is of you, a step toward losing myself more completely so that you might more fully have your way with me, then I embrace your painful pruning. If not, please provide the way you intend for me.

Saying goodbye

The two people I know of who are being let go are pretty irreplaceable.

Me? Not so much. But here I still am.

Oh, one of them has been a good friend, too, and the other has been through the wringer this year, burying both of his parents in a two-week span.

I distinctly remember . . .

. . . the last time I felt this anxious. It was 18 years ago.

I haven't missed this feeling.

Yet I believe that God is providing for our needs, and that nothing will happen tomorrow that will surprise Him.

Listening, session 3

. . . (Samuel) ran to Eli, and said, "Here I am, for you called me." But he said, "I did not call; lie down again." So he went and lay down. - 1 Sam 3, 5

What do I run to, mistaking it for the call of God in my life? Could it be that's what this damned empty, dissatisfaction really is: a misinterpretation of God's call?

I was a lot more encouraged by yesterday's session. It is harder today to reject my hopelessness, to trust that God is at work in my life regardless of my feelings. It is harder to respond as Eli taught Samuel: "Speak, for thy servant hears."