My first fifties post

So much has happened since last post.  I was still really down when I wrote it, feeling isolated and rejected and hurt.  We'd had a wonderful Sunday, but I was feeling that t's affection for me that day was rooted more in the occasion than in our relationship.  Before I left for work I asked her about that, and she assured me that wasn't the case.  Later in the day she left me a very encouraging and affirming FB message, which was really what I needed, and also really when I needed it.  Last week would have been too soon, would have kept me from seeing clearly all that I needed to about things, left me less determined to work on them in a new way.  And our hectic weekend had afforded no opportunity.  But I'd reached the point where the lack of affirmation was dragging me down, and it actually took me some time to be able to receive what t was trying to give me.

It has led to some really open discussion that has been important for me and has helped us to grow together as a couple.  We've reinstated some old environmental controls about which I'd grown too lax, and I now feel that I have the partner I need in living the life I'm called to in this area in which I've struggled on my own for so long.  I was trying to go it alone, or even just "me and God," and in truth I must admit that was partly due to not detesting my sin and weakness sufficiently.  Now, the two of us are determined not to just go it alone, either.

I feel I've received a 50th birthday gift from God.  I know it's a gift that he's been offering me for a long time, but I haven't received it as of yet.  It is a gift of new grace and holiness, and of growth and transformation, and I am determined to treasure and nurture it.

My actual birthday yesterday was a mixed bag.  I had a beater of a day at work, and t was sick so couldn't make dinner.  But that worked out well, as I ended up picking up a nice steak to grill for us, along with some garlic mashed redskins and some leftover salsa from Sunday - which just gets better for the first few days afterwards anyway.

Another tough workday today, and tomorrow will be no better.  I need another of me there.  But it will be okay.  And the bike ride with my friends tonight was great. Now, to bed; Lord, bless my rest.